You know I'm FAT, I'm FAT, SHAMOO

I'm taking a break from Christmas to address BIG FUCKING NEWS.

For you American cats, not the ones sitting in some gay place like Korea Boston Garden City, the Yankees signed CC (stands for Chocolate Chip) to a gazillion year, $160 million contract. This after he initially said that he wanted to play for (loo) San Francisco. It only took $20 million and an entire truck of raw pig fat to change his mind.


CC is part of the Yankees' plot to assemble the fattest pitching staff in history. With CC and JOBA RULES on the team, they are 2/5 of the way there.

We know who the two other missing ingredients are: Curt Schilling (361 lbs, mostly from playing WoW) and David Wells (13 heart attacks, heart is made of pure fat).


But who is the fifth? Word has it that the Yankees are in hot pursuit of A.J. Burnett, who is only kinda fat. Perhaps the strategy is for him to get injured and then be confined to a motorchair until he cracks 400, then he can gloriously return in the World Series, clinching it by striking out NOMAH, then suffering a multiple coronary on the mound.

Yes, people, the Yankees are going places this year. Well, not really. I mean, they'll probably be able to run a few steps before hunching over, panting, drooling a bit, then slowly falling on the ground, clutching their chest. It's gonna rock. Baseball rocks.


The HOT STOVE period has to be so much fun for reporters. ESPN's bloggers have been all over it, blogging significant updates like "GOD FUCKING DAMN THIS HOT STOVE IS QUIET SO FAR" and "OMAR MINAYA SPOTTED EMERGING FROM BATHROOM, TRACES OF URINE ON HIS PANTS... DID HE FORGET TO SHAKE???" If I ever had the chance to blog that shit, I would just run throughout the lobby screaming "HOT STOVE" until they ejected me. I can't sit still during that shit, like Election Day. I just gotta get up and move around as if it has any effect on anything at all.

With Fatty signed, though, HOT STOVE is pretty much almost over. All that's left is TEX and MANNY and some other fat people. So like all HOT STOVEs, it shines awesomely but briefly, then is snuffed out. By fat people.

But...

There's also one last domino left to fall...

...

Will the Yankees get...


HIM?????????