Now what the hell is this? Charlie Brown is one of the best comic strips ever made, and that's really saying something. Or maybe not. Anyway, as such, someone decided that the best thing to do with a comic strip about a loser is to make a TV show about it. And then, inevitably, a TV special.
A Charlie Brown Christmas was made back in the days when TV producers gave a shit about making programming that was approaching decency. In this case, someone decided to throw together the futile existence of Charlie Brown and the Bible and a semi-repudiation of the consumer culture. You will never, ever, ever fucking see anything like this on TV ever again.
This shit shouldn't even get off the ground! The premise of the special is that the school (presumably public) is having a Christmas-only pageant. Either Charlie Brown's town is chin-deep in WASPland, USA (ahem, Martha's Vineyard) or they took care of all the non-Protestant kids surreptitiously. Perhaps they were sent on a... learning pogrom....
To top that PTA nightmare-in-the-making off, they decided to make Charlie Brown the director. Charlie Brown. I thought it was understood that Charlie Brown's ineptness was an open secret but I guess not!!! I can see him as a producer, or maybe art director, or hell, make him a grip for God's sake. But you let the clod be the DIRECTOR? Uwe Boll would've been more qualified. Especially if he included more explosions and gunshots and a scene were Uwe Boll is executed.
But anyway, Chuck has to direct, and naturally he's freaking out over it. Lucy Van Pelt, ever a tease as always (AHEM, READERS), attempts to induce a panic attack and subsequent nervous breakdown by declaring that Charlie Brown has pantophobia (the fear of everything), but it doesn't work because psychology is a LIE.
This is insane and I should be killed. So when Chuck tries to take control of this shitshow, everyone decides to go and do their own thing. Namely by dancing. Imagine the whitest dancing ever in the history of mankind. Now imagine that not even being white enough, and you'll have a decent picture of what happens at this point.
Who's surprised that Lucy, Sally and Snoopy won't listen? When he tries to inspire them by discussing the historic implications of Jesus Christ being born, it natually fails, because 8-year-olds don't give a shit about Jesus Christ their SAVIOUR. That was your first mistake, Chuck. Well, no, your first mistake was being born. The second was playing football with Lucy. The third was not pursuing a life of crime by robbing beggars and cashiers before going down in a blaze of glory after botching a Wal-mart heist. (Hint: do not try to rob the gun section.)
Linus, a true sperg case if there ever was one, suggests getting a Christmas tree to get everyone focused. Because when people think of the Nativity, they of course think of Christmas trees. Why not suggest candy canes while you're at it, Rhodes Scholar?
Where are those fucking drums coming from, anyway? Chuck and Linus go search for a tree. After wandering through a forest of horrifying purely-aluminum monstrosities, they find the only natural tree left. And of course, it's shit. And not the "look all the way around, oh hey look at this half of it is dead. You're trying to put one over on me, are you? Don't give me that fucking look we both know what's going on here. You're trying to rip me off here. Well guess what? I have a zippo right here, you wanna bet I can hold you down long enough to burn your face off? You don't show me a real tree, we're gonna find out" kind of shit, but it's literally just a branch stuck on a base. I guess Peanuts really does take place in some backwoods WASP hellhole.
Needless to say, when they return with their gay little tree (that they probably stole, not that anyone would care), they're laughed off the stage (irony alert: everyone laughs themselves off the stage instead!!!!). While the cast and crew continue to laugh at Chuck and Linus' expense (and get blown out of their minds on some goofballs in the basement), Linus decides to drop some Bible knowledge and quote verbatum the Christmas story. I think it's Luke. Someone look it up for me. Now.
DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, JUST DO IT.
If you could be any insect in the world, which would you be? After that rousing... story, Chuck decides that he now knows the true meaning of Christmas: being born in some godforsaken manger. Unfortunately for him, that's not possible. But what is possible is that he can drag his ass home and decorate his tree branch, which he does. Then the branch dies. Or did it ever live to begin with?
Chuck is facing a terrible depressionary downspiral. Before he can find his solace in the sweet embrace of a line of heroin, though, the gang show up and spruce the tree up, turning it from an abomination to a tree that's pretty good but needs more tinsel. Then they serenade him with some Christmas music, it snows, the credits roll and you wake up.
But... REARRY? I think this is too simple an explanation. We have to consider the outrageous impossibility that a) everyone got done tweaking at the school at that quickly and b) that they could transform a branch into a full-fledged tree after only a few seconds of literal handwavery and c) they could sing a perfect Hark! The Herald Angels Sing WITH unseen musical accompaniment. No, I posit that this indeed is not what happened. But then, what did?
Clearly the answer is Chuck had a psychotic break. To protect his mind from totally losing it, he summoned a hallucination born only of the most extreme denial of his circumstances. That's the only rational explanation. That Christmas Eve ended with him singing all by himself in front of a dead branch (that he personally murdered), believing that everyone had come to join him. His parents (or the authorities) will find him still belting out Christmas tunes, and he'll sing all the way to the psychiatric facilities at Nantucket.
Yes, Charlie Brown, this is the best Christmas you'll ever have!!!
The verdict: A Charlie Brown Christmas is a cautionary tale. Do not give screwups too much responsibility on Christmas, lest they go insane (and fuck up a pretty expensive off-Broadway production). Sure, we all love the music and the opening sequence of Charlie Brown being slammed into the title card and then buried under snow to suffer a cold, humiliating, lonely death, and Snoopy's laugh is still the standard for the sound you play in your head when you see someone do something utterly retarded, but beware of the larger message. Christmas is gay if you don't handle it right.
Oh, and also Jesus was born and there's a sheep and goat in the manger but not a herding dog? Don't think we didn't notice that, Bible.
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