Things I don't understand: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Who is he? Rudolph is the brainspawn of some guy named Robert May. He was born the same year as the start of World War II, perhaps making him a dark omen or some shit. Maybe he was complicit in the Holocaust. We'll never know, but is it any wonder that Santa is a Dutch creation? Perhaps... a creation... of the Dutch SS? Think about it...

But... why? Now I have a soft spot for Rudolph. My main bitch gave me a Christmas card with him on it, making lustful eyes with a non-red-nosed reindoe. If that's not a message then I don't know what is. I hump that card every night before I go to bed hand to God.

Anyway, Rudolph is truly an enigma despite his ability to land reinbitches. Nobody knows where he came from. Is he an orphan? Maybe the TV special explained that but I can't remember shit about it. Well that's not true, but I don't remember any parents being in the picture, so either he's a bastard or a genetically-engineered project gone wrong.

What is obvious is that he is some kind of mutant. His red nose, though, does not bode well for his genetic prosperity. If it weren't for Santa, he'd probably have been blown away by some amateur hunter. I mean, come on Rudolph, you don't think that shit's gonna give you away? You might as well walk into Elmer Fudd's house, slam a glock and a bandsaw on his table and say, "Let'er rip you fucking retard!"

MUUUUUTIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

MUUUUUUUUTIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

How can this be! So let me get this straight: Santa makes Rudolph the leader... because he needs his sleigh to be guided on a foggy winter's eve.

Okay, maybe Rudolph has inherent leadership skills. Maybe he doesn't walk in at 5 in the morning, out of his mind on coke and unsure if he accidentally murdered a hooker or not (why hello there Blitzen), but I don't think having a glowing schnozz makes you capable of leading men.

Furthermore, I'm not sure May even knew the basics of flight. But here it goes, Gene: first of all, if it's foggy out, light isn't gonna help you too much, especially if said light only reaches out maybe 3 or 4 feet in front of you. You might as well have the reindeer toting glowstiks or some shit. I could generate more light rubbin my footsie pajamas on my sheets than that.

And really, what's the point anyway? I can understand if Santa was worried about a mid-air collision or some shit. That's why they put lights on planes. You know what's not a reason to put lights on airplanes? TO FUCKING GUIDE THEM.

Okay Santa let's be real here for a second, can we? It's the 21st century. Surely you have GPS or some shit. At least a Garmin. You're a fat European, you have to have a map and a snide attitude and you probably love eating as much shit as possible and repulsing everyone at the beach. How about using an astrolabe? The point is that you don't need Rudolph, or any light whatsoever, to see where you're going because you're 10,000 fucking feet IN THE AIR.

What, you're afraid you're gonna hit a mountain or some shit? Newsflash Santa: by the time Rudy's nose shines on the rocky face of Mt. You're Gonna Fucking Die, it'll be too late. Are you the kind of jackass who wonders "Duuhhhhhh, where's the headlights?" before he boards a plane? YOU PROBABLY ARE. That's why you're still using shitty elvish contractors and not hiring the good El Salvadorans who live somewhere near my neighborhood (probably in their truck that's always parked across the street. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY, PEDRO).

You're scaring the straights, now. This isn't really Rudy's fault, though. He's only trying to make money and not be considered a horrible freak for the rest of his life.

The story concludes with Rudolph being a hero because Santa's too much of a fucking headcase to get through some fog. Instead of having a confidence vote on Santa's ability to carry out his duties, though, they just ignore that and celebrate Rudolph and his lucky disability.

There is a very popular Bass-Rankin TV special that CBS farts out every early December. It adds a shitload to the mythology like an old bum snowman, a Yeti who doesn't have a penchant for blood (perhaps he's a gay Yeti hmmmmm?) and an elf who is similarly disfigured with a gigantic head. The special makes the Rudolph story way more complicated than it needs to be, but MadTV once had a funny parody of it so I guess it has made some positive impact on humanity.

Oh wait, the cartoon was produced by GE, which owns NBC, and thus doesn't have the rights to broadcast it anymore. Merry Christmas indeed, fuckos.

The verdict: Rudolph is a lost soul, torn between the inefficiencies of Santa's operation and the racism that permeates Reindeer society. Maybe one day the Rednosed reindeer will be accepted for who they are. But we have to wonder, does Rudolph's collaboration with the Blacknoses make him a civil rights paragon... or an Uncle Rudolph?

As Rudy himself would say, "9/11!"