A Gud Book

The Chomp's magnum opus, "Manufacturing Consent," is thick as shit. If you're not into statistics and fairly repetitive writing, it t'ain't for you. But if you like a blow-by-blow dissection of media bullshit on some fairly obscure topics, it eats its Wheaties, then delivers a 720 reverse gorilla slam on the notion of an unbiased media. And you won't believe which way the media is biased! (hint: the fascists win).

Many prognosticators believe that the rise of Internet journalism will vanquish the old media, thus opening things up so the issues discussed in the book won't be as easily hidden. I don't think that's gonna be true. We basically already have dominance in Internet-related news and people still don't really know shit. The Internet can provide a huge amount of information, but most of it is selective and, surprise, prepackaged for the audience. All it has done is made a wider array of choices available. People still go to TheFoxNation for their daily dose of crazy fascist shit (faschit, heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheee).

Once again, it's up to the cowboys and the geniuses like me to take on the system... alone. But I'm not alone. I have the Chomp behind me. Godspeed, Chomp.

Things to look at when you're staring at the ass of a car

Someone from Massachusetts, and I'm not gonna say who (Tina) is stalking me at work. I don't know why a Masshole works at my building, but there she is. I know it's a she because TINA IS A SHE. I KNOW IT'S YOU. OR SHAYNA. POSSIBLY DAWN.

It occurred to me, though, that license plates are a source of pride for our many states in this America Union. The design of a plate is supposed to evoke the pride of the issuer, the glory of the state in question, the nobility of their state-y cause.

But what happens when a license plate is shit? What does that say about you and your state? Let's take a look.


As you can see, this here is Arkansas. The Natural State. Now I don't really know what Arkansas is famous for other than the KKKLINTONS, but I'm not sure this giant gem is really all that compelling. Is Arkansas even known for diamonds? That seems like a rather gaudy thing to be proud of, much less put on your license plate. Also check out the depressing azure fade in the background. I know not every state is SUPER COOLEST, but can you show a little pride, Arkansansanaasans?


Colorada, home of John Denver songs, is the Rockiest state in the Union. And this is the best they could do? Previous plate designs attempted to capture the wonder that was the Rocky Mountains, but all they ever amounted to was a vague white splotch against a blue background. To make it clear that you're supposed to be looking at mountains, the good folks at the Colorado DMV added some details to the mountains. Voila, now you can see what it is, right?

Well, no. Whereas the old designs looked like someone had spilled milk on the floor, the new design looks like someone spilled oil on the floor. Look at all that shine in that slick! I give COL credit for trying to spice things up, but going from milk to oil is not a step in the right direction. At least you can drink milk and have it in cookies. All oil is good for is dumping babies in or something. Better luck next time, Denver!


I know what you're thinking. "Well gee, guy, you're gonna trash Hawaii for having a rainbow? Not exactly the most challenging thing to attack, huh?" First of all, shut up. Second of all, I'm not pissed about the rainbow per se. I like colorful shit. I think a state embracing is colorfulness instead of copping to some drab shit is cool. But this is not how you do it.

Just because I like colors does not mean I'm willing to tolerate a literal rainbow on my shit. Just look at that thing. There wasn't even any effort put into it! A rainbow on a WHITE background? Since when do rainbows appear in white skies? Can you imagine looking at that thing on a sunny day? Hawaii gets an A+ for effort but a F-+ for execution, which averages out to an F.


Idaho, the state everyone forgets. Its capital is Boise. Its famous grain: taters. No, not dingers, taters. That's all Idaho is good for, so naturally they embrace it.

Problem: Scenic Idaho. Against a backdrop of a forest and mountains. Now I'm not an agriculturalist, but I do think that potatoes are not exactly plentiful in forests. So already we have an unrealistic depiction of the potato. Furthermore, I'm not sure FAMOUS POTATOES is congruent with anything that is "scenic". Maybe some people go gaga over potato farms and are mesmerized by their browness, but I'm willing to wager that most aren't. So what gives, Idaho? Are you trying to be ironic? Shoot me an e-mail and I'll revise my evaluation. Until then, go back to wherever you came from.


Ah, New Jersey. The state that gave us "The Sopranos," the... Nets... and Newark.

Okay, not a lot can be done with the Garden State. But instead of making the most of a mediocre situation, New Jersey opted to go with making the most PUTRID. What were they thinking in the design board meeting? "Hmm, okay, what design most resembles the sight of bedsheets that have been wetted? I KNOW!" And voila, the world has been blessed by the first license plate dedicated to bedwetting. For this show of solidarity with 6-year olds everywhere, I award this plate a failure.


Another state from nowhere, North Daokta, chimes in with this. On first glance, this doesn't look bad at all. A now-extinct bison, some grain, some mountains, NORTH DAKOTA slapped on via label-maker, and topped off with an invitation to discover the spirit.

But what's that? Below the NORTH DAKOTA? "Peace Garden State"? What the hell? What is that even supposed to mean? Perhaps this plate was designed by Chinese factory workers. If so, then that makes this plate totally un-American. But even if it wasn't, I have to deduct points anyway for ripping off New Jersey. Not that anyone really cares if you rip off another plate, but ripping off New Jersey is like trying to become a better baseball player by emulating Pat Meares. Stupid decision ruins what could have been a decent plate.



A rare twin-killing is brought to us by South Dakota and South Carolina. Individually, these plates are unremarkable. Okay, the palm tree in South Carolina looks a bit weird, but whatever. What disqualifies both these plates, though, are their mottoes.

I don't know who copied whom. Perhaps both came up with the "____ Faces. ____ Places" motto at the same time, then realized they were ripping each other off. It doesn't matter. Someone decided that they'd try to fudge it by replacing a few words, then hoping we wouldn't notice. But we did. We noticed, hard. Mimickry of this kind is unforgivable, and so both plates are condemned. Unless one of you fesses up and tells me who decided to rip the other off...


Jamestown was the first colony in America or some shit. Actually I can't remember offhand if that's true. It was probably Plymouth. But who cares, it's Jamestown! The place where they filmed "Pocahantas!"

But there are two major problems with this plate. No. 1: the state is VIRGINIA, not JAMESTOWNLAND. Why does Jamestown get TWO mentions on the plate, including a rather awful-looking logo (seriously, what is that? Three sails? As in the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria? HELLO, JAMESTOWN WAS FOUNDED BY ENGLAND NOT CASTILLE. YOU DUMB SHITS NO WONDER YOUR SCHOOLS SUCK. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU ALL). I'm opposed to corporate logos being on shit, and license plates are no exception. How dare Jamestown impugn this plate with its foul presence.

Perhaps more egregiously, this plate has a factual error. It states that America, which is the United States, the only country in NORTH MERICA, is 400 years old. Ummmm, not quite, Virginny. Actually the United States is (counts) like only 230 years old or some shit. Certainly not 400. I mean, if this plate is to be trusted, then that means that Americans in 1776 invented a time machine, traveled back a couple of centuries, and then founded themselves! But that would be a time paradox! Or the plot to a shitty Star Trek film! And I'll be damned if I live in a country founded by Captain Janeway. (If Kirk or Picard want to found the US, though, then that would be different.)

License plates ought to be a source of pride, but these plates are a source of shame, making their states shameful. A SHAMEFUL PLATE. I strongly implore these states to come up with better designs before 2012, when the world is scheduled to end.

All the world's a stage, and all the people in it are merely retards

If it's one thing that can't ever be underestimated, it's people's capacity to act a fool, and not in the jovial Ludacris way.

One of my favorite dens of foolishdomship is http://www.metsblog.com/, a place where Mets fans, traditionally known for being stodgy and tempermental, gather to ridicule their favorite team for another awful performance.

Here's a nice, simple gem that sums up the mentality of the typical metsblogger commenter:

Second time this season that Manuel has opted not to bunt late in the game with a runner on and no one out. When is Jerry going to learn that he is not managing in the American League anymore? Instead of trying to manufacture a run he just seems to be waiting around for some big homer that never comes. Of course, none of this would matter if we had more than one starting pitcher that could get into the seventh inning and an offense that didn’t leave more than ten men on base.

You should understand that this commenter is used to watching NL baseball, which is basically like watching teeball. The National League is the home to some of the worst baseball strategies known to man, chief amongst them the magical bunt.

Bunting is stupid. It's been statistically proven to lower the chances of scoring a run in an inning. Bunting is the equivalent of Charlie Brown rearing back to kick that football when everyone knows what's going to happen. But he just has to keep trying to kick it because maybe one day Lucy won't pull it back in time.

Okay, granted, sometimes bunting leads to a runner actually scoring. And sometimes when you run a red light you don't end up being flattened by a moped. I'm sure managers are aware that bunting is more harmful and useful, but, come on man. The runner is on second! Now all you need is a hit. That's all. Just a single will do! It's so easy! Plus there's no chance for a double play! Oh my God IT'S RIGHT THERE JUST BUNT HIM OVER PLEASE

Not all Metsbloggites are dumb. A lot recognize their sorry lot in life, forever consigned to supporting one of the most managerially inept teams in the majors, a team whose identity is forged by two teams who haven't played ball in New York for like 50 years now. Do they see the Red Sox doing sendups for the Braves? Do the Yankees have Orioles paraphenalia in their new stadium? No of course not, they have their own identity and don't need to name shit after players who never played for their team because they cribbed a color from the team he did play for.

Baseball is plagued by all kinds of retardation, namely managers overthinking shit. Of course, maybe they have to overthink shit because they are inundated with mooks who don't actually belong in pro baseball, but that's a matter for another day. On the other hand, even at it's most esoteric, baseball is not nearly as thick as pro football. (Or gridiron, as they say in Europe. Way to fuck up another thing, Europe!)

I don't know if pro football became this stupid due to evolution gone awry or by coaches deliberately making everything as obtuse as possible. Every playbook is loaded to the gills with formations, movements, audibles, flag signals, smoke signals, morse code, flash cards, charts (pie, bar and scatter), encyclopedias, encyclopedia browns, connect-the-dots AND Monopoly trades. Can there really be more than 150 plays that can be called on offense? Really? REALLY?

I'm pretty sure that football plays are as complex as they are by design. Specifically, by design of the 50,000 coaches needed to implement them. Smedley Butler famously declared that war is a racket. Well so is football. An endlessly self-reinforcing cavalcade of coaches, devising increasingly complex formations, thus necessitating coaches to tell players how to master the daunting task of preventing a large, soon-to-be-crippled man from getting past you.

But if they're not careful, they can accidentally complexify their way to extinction. Yes, what'll happen when Andy Reid devises a play so magnificently stupid that only a computer can process it? What'll happen if this computer figures out an algorithm to design plays, plays that achieve complexity at a geometric rate? Coaches will become obsolete, no longer able to communicate with their quarterbacks how many audibles they need to yell before calling a timeout.

And with those plays so complex, will the puny brain of Tony Romo be able to comprehend them? Okay, bad example. How about... um... okay let's come up with a QB who is hypothetically able to read. Will he/she be able to comprehend these plays, so complex that putting them on a wristband would be futile? (The wristband would simply print out "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" instead.) Hypothetical QB (#1, Rams, from the University of Ohio (hahahaha okay that's too unbelievable even for me; let's say he's from Rutgers)) would not be able to figure it out, thus necessitating a computer QB. But as we all know, while computers are fairly decent at passing, they lack mobility in the pocket. So unless it had a good o-line, it wouldn't be getting far at all.

Eventually we'll see a world where only computers can play football. Imagine a draft where players are taken out of Hewlett-Packard and Sony. Imagine a training camp that is simply 30 seconds of downloading porn. Imagine a drug-testing policy based on tracking down warez. Imagine audiences being replaced by endlessly spamming spambots. I can tell you that this would be FUCKING AWESOME. I want this football singularity, RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

But there is an ultimate downside to all this. As the singularity says, eventually computers will become so advanced that they will progress infinitely faster, until eventually WHAM. We hit a singularity and then a whole lot of UNKNOWN happens. Eventually, football games will be played in a matter of nanoseconds, simulated for our enjoyment and available at a spreadsheet near you. All league functions will be reduced to a few seconds of calculation, just like that episode of "Pete & Pete."

On the other hand, I'm not sure the football singularity will have any ability to crack down on helmet-to-helmet hits.

Our pursuit of stupid complexity will wipe us out as a species, I'm convinced of it. We are tearing down our own future, one bunt and one bootleg at a time. Won't someone put an end to this mad-- ah shit, hold on, I have to do this double switch here. What were we talking about?

Oh yeah, FUCK THE RED SOX.