It occurred to me, though, that license plates are a source of pride for our many states in this America Union. The design of a plate is supposed to evoke the pride of the issuer, the glory of the state in question, the nobility of their state-y cause.
But what happens when a license plate is shit? What does that say about you and your state? Let's take a look.
As you can see, this here is Arkansas. The Natural State. Now I don't really know what Arkansas is famous for other than the KKKLINTONS, but I'm not sure this giant gem is really all that compelling. Is Arkansas even known for diamonds? That seems like a rather gaudy thing to be proud of, much less put on your license plate. Also check out the depressing azure fade in the background. I know not every state is SUPER COOLEST, but can you show a little pride, Arkansansanaasans?
Colorada, home of John Denver songs, is the Rockiest state in the Union. And this is the best they could do? Previous plate designs attempted to capture the wonder that was the Rocky Mountains, but all they ever amounted to was a vague white splotch against a blue background. To make it clear that you're supposed to be looking at mountains, the good folks at the Colorado DMV added some details to the mountains. Voila, now you can see what it is, right?
Well, no. Whereas the old designs looked like someone had spilled milk on the floor, the new design looks like someone spilled oil on the floor. Look at all that shine in that slick! I give COL credit for trying to spice things up, but going from milk to oil is not a step in the right direction. At least you can drink milk and have it in cookies. All oil is good for is dumping babies in or something. Better luck next time, Denver!
I know what you're thinking. "Well gee, guy, you're gonna trash Hawaii for having a rainbow? Not exactly the most challenging thing to attack, huh?" First of all, shut up. Second of all, I'm not pissed about the rainbow per se. I like colorful shit. I think a state embracing is colorfulness instead of copping to some drab shit is cool. But this is not how you do it.
Just because I like colors does not mean I'm willing to tolerate a literal rainbow on my shit. Just look at that thing. There wasn't even any effort put into it! A rainbow on a WHITE background? Since when do rainbows appear in white skies? Can you imagine looking at that thing on a sunny day? Hawaii gets an A+ for effort but a F-+ for execution, which averages out to an F.
Idaho, the state everyone forgets. Its capital is Boise. Its famous grain: taters. No, not dingers, taters. That's all Idaho is good for, so naturally they embrace it.
Problem: Scenic Idaho. Against a backdrop of a forest and mountains. Now I'm not an agriculturalist, but I do think that potatoes are not exactly plentiful in forests. So already we have an unrealistic depiction of the potato. Furthermore, I'm not sure FAMOUS POTATOES is congruent with anything that is "scenic". Maybe some people go gaga over potato farms and are mesmerized by their browness, but I'm willing to wager that most aren't. So what gives, Idaho? Are you trying to be ironic? Shoot me an e-mail and I'll revise my evaluation. Until then, go back to wherever you came from.
Ah, New Jersey. The state that gave us "The Sopranos," the... Nets... and Newark.
Okay, not a lot can be done with the Garden State. But instead of making the most of a mediocre situation, New Jersey opted to go with making the most PUTRID. What were they thinking in the design board meeting? "Hmm, okay, what design most resembles the sight of bedsheets that have been wetted? I KNOW!" And voila, the world has been blessed by the first license plate dedicated to bedwetting. For this show of solidarity with 6-year olds everywhere, I award this plate a failure.
Another state from nowhere, North Daokta, chimes in with this. On first glance, this doesn't look bad at all. A now-extinct bison, some grain, some mountains, NORTH DAKOTA slapped on via label-maker, and topped off with an invitation to discover the spirit.
But what's that? Below the NORTH DAKOTA? "Peace Garden State"? What the hell? What is that even supposed to mean? Perhaps this plate was designed by Chinese factory workers. If so, then that makes this plate totally un-American. But even if it wasn't, I have to deduct points anyway for ripping off New Jersey. Not that anyone really cares if you rip off another plate, but ripping off New Jersey is like trying to become a better baseball player by emulating Pat Meares. Stupid decision ruins what could have been a decent plate.
A rare twin-killing is brought to us by South Dakota and South Carolina. Individually, these plates are unremarkable. Okay, the palm tree in South Carolina looks a bit weird, but whatever. What disqualifies both these plates, though, are their mottoes.
I don't know who copied whom. Perhaps both came up with the "____ Faces. ____ Places" motto at the same time, then realized they were ripping each other off. It doesn't matter. Someone decided that they'd try to fudge it by replacing a few words, then hoping we wouldn't notice. But we did. We noticed, hard. Mimickry of this kind is unforgivable, and so both plates are condemned. Unless one of you fesses up and tells me who decided to rip the other off...
Jamestown was the first colony in America or some shit. Actually I can't remember offhand if that's true. It was probably Plymouth. But who cares, it's Jamestown! The place where they filmed "Pocahantas!"
But there are two major problems with this plate. No. 1: the state is VIRGINIA, not JAMESTOWNLAND. Why does Jamestown get TWO mentions on the plate, including a rather awful-looking logo (seriously, what is that? Three sails? As in the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria? HELLO, JAMESTOWN WAS FOUNDED BY ENGLAND NOT CASTILLE. YOU DUMB SHITS NO WONDER YOUR SCHOOLS SUCK. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU ALL). I'm opposed to corporate logos being on shit, and license plates are no exception. How dare Jamestown impugn this plate with its foul presence.
Perhaps more egregiously, this plate has a factual error. It states that America, which is the United States, the only country in NORTH MERICA, is 400 years old. Ummmm, not quite, Virginny. Actually the United States is (counts) like only 230 years old or some shit. Certainly not 400. I mean, if this plate is to be trusted, then that means that Americans in 1776 invented a time machine, traveled back a couple of centuries, and then founded themselves! But that would be a time paradox! Or the plot to a shitty Star Trek film! And I'll be damned if I live in a country founded by Captain Janeway. (If Kirk or Picard want to found the US, though, then that would be different.)
License plates ought to be a source of pride, but these plates are a source of shame, making their states shameful. A SHAMEFUL PLATE. I strongly implore these states to come up with better designs before 2012, when the world is scheduled to end.
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