Barack Obusha: The Barack Bummer Obum Badum Bla Bloo Borsh

This is Barack Obama, 56th President of the United States. Standing in front of him is some black guy.

A hyuck! It's been six months since the Obummer took his oath of office and officially became prez. Since that time he's done a lot of shit, some cool, mostly bad. This is problematic because the alternative, John McCain, would have been an abject disaster. With Obummer, we have a moderately bad disaster.

Okay I'll admit it: Obama getting elected was exciting because of the hisory and the fact that he seemed to be just that much better than McCain. It was cool. But it didn't take long for him to start fucking up and my tolerance of him ended after around 30 days or so. No bitches, honeymoons don't last 100 days, we can't afford a 100-day trip to Egypt! Sorry baby!

A lot of youngsters thought that Obama would be cool, not merely because he can swagger or because he's got a decent crossover, but also because he could fix the problems the country faces, from pollution to the economy to health care to the invasion of midgets. Sadly, none of these problems have been fixed and my neighborhood is besieged by dwarves.

But here's the problem with kids: they don't know shit. Obama is nothing new. I remember enough of Clinton to know that he was disappointing his own peeps, but my years of Rush indoctrination prevented me from fully realizing that until it was too late. Consequently, we had Bush Jr., a fuck-up of the most bodacious caliber, and now Obama, who has the potential to match him. How? Let's count the ways.

1. Iraq? I rack you! RACK EM.

One of Obama's big promises was to draw down troops in Iraq and to eventually leave. Don't argue with me, he did say that in the campaign. Fast-forward to today, and we still have 100,000+ combat troops in Iraq. Sure, they withdrew from the cities (to bases either right next to or actually still inside the cities they were supposed to leave). But we should have a grand total of zero troops in there, and Obama sounded like that was the long-term plan.

Ending the war in Iraq (while escalating in Afghanistan, but that's another story altogether) has been a desire of the American people for a few years now, so getting outta there should be a slam dunk. But nope, the MIC is not done sucking the country dry yet. Americans ought to know by now but the MIC is still considered an ethereal spooky conspiracy boogeyman and as such aren't sure it exists.


As such, Obama is attempting to quash an Iraqi plebiscite that, if the majority of Iraqis say so, would force U.S. troops to leave in 2010 instead of 2011. This is plainly wrong but is a pretty clear example of how thoroughly entrenched business interests are in our foreign policy and, guess what, Obama is more than happy with this setup.

2. I MAKE MONEY. :flings dollars around, slips on a greenback and breaks neck:

You're gonna notice a pattern here, a pattern that should be understandable unless you're a blathering retard. Every problem with Obama is related to cold, hard cash. In Iraq, it's controlling resources and paying off contractors. With TARP, it's a pure, unrestrained raid on the treasury.

Yes, you remember TARP, don't you? B-b-b-but, that's a BU$HITLER thing, isn't it? Well yeah, it started under Bush's tenure, but Obama endorsed it. Now Americans are turning to Obama to fix the economy, which includes maintaining the banking system and finding people jobs. Well, if you were hoping to find a job in this country unrelated to french fries or gunning down suspicious looking pedestrians, you're in for a long, tough slog.

TARP is not the reason why our economy is fucked but it is a sign of the kind of "solutions" that will be presented to fix it. Mainly, these solutions do two things: 1) enrich people who are already rich and 2) make it look like we're doing something. It's rare that the government nails something that actually accomplishes shit, but this is not the kind of thing we want nailed. Well, maybe you want to nail it but not me. I have someone else I want to nail. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE SHUT UP.

The cousin to TARP was the "stimulus" bill that Obama went balls-out for right away. The stimulus was designed to kickstart the economy by throwing a shitload of money all over the place and then running away while everyone is distracted by picking up the money. Actually, about half the stimulus was in meaningless tax cuts. The rest is sitting around doing not much of anything. I don't know why that money is just sitting around, but there it is.

Obama planned, or perhaps not, to use the stimulus to do all sorts of cool shit, like making the economy "greener" and build new railways and install phone booths that fellate people and shit. Instead, what's been used so far has been used to rebuild roads, an important task but not very imaginative or useful in the long run.

Are there any plans to do any of the big picture shit? Doubtful. The rest of that money is probably waiting for the right contractor to come along, saying that they can drive trucks around or dispose of hobos or whatever pointless task they can be paid to do. There is talk of another stimulus perhaps coming up, but with the economy not showing signs of meaningful recovery, it's doubtful there will be any willingness to go along with another (needed) stimulus. The only question now is when will people realize that the wealth created in the last decade is gone (and mostly wasn't there to begin with) and it's not coming back.

3. You got a stimpack. :hit by a rocket, gibbed motherfucker:

Health care is set to be Obama's biggest hurdle, but as we speak (haha sike, you're not allowed to talk bitch!), Congress is about to go on a vacation (not a staycation) without addressing the problem. And it is a problem, because if you step on a crack and break your mother's back, you go to jail. Wait, no, I got away with it. No, instead you go bankrupt trying to fix that broken back.

While America has top-notch health care, access to that health care is basically shut off to over 90% (not NINE THOUSAND!!!!!!!) of the population. Insurance companies, under their most benevolent leadership, have been gradually jacking up rates, fees, copays, taxes, levies, Levi, Jacob, stubs, chubbs, chubbies, premiums and prices for ice cream, until today the pleasure of having a thermometer shoved up your ass (the only way to do it) costs you $200 a pop. Do you know how hard it is to pay $200 for a thermometer up the ass? Let me just say that I've already burned through five mortages to feed the addiction!!!

Numerous complaints abound about our system, but the chief complaint is that it is absurdly unsustainable. No matter how healthy you are, one major malady can put you into severe debt, unless you're so rich that you can shrug off such costs, or you have an insurance policy worth a damn. Inusrance companies have come up with a bunch of ways to outfuck their customers when emergencies pop up. Have you an illness or condition prior to the emergency? You might just be denied coverage outright for pre-existing conditions! If you pass that hurdle, mayble they'll come up with a reason to not get you the treatment you need right away, hoping to stall you out or push you to less-effective treatment. If all else fails, they'll force you to pay a percentage of the treatment. So if you need to remove that girder that fell on your head, the de-girdering surgery that costs $250,000 will be half charged to you! Have $125k sitting around? Cool! Don't? That's okay, you can just go bankrupt/get fucked!

For the majority of Americans, this is a distinct possibility. If I were to get ovarian cancer, it could potentially ruin me. It would also be really insane because I don't have ovaries! (yet)!

!!!!

!! So we have recently this flare-up over who will pay for health care in America. Will it be the peons and plebes, or will it be the government? Obama has a solution:

Force everyone in America... to buy private health insurance... there is nothing else after that ellipsis... stop using ellipses...!

"Now wait one darn second there, missy!" you might be saying. And I'll remind you again that I do NOT have ovaries. "He's gonna make all of us buy insurance, but is he gonna fix the costs and force companies to treat us?" Well, he SAYS he will do both of those things. He also said we'd be getting out of Iraq, that we would take serious steps to improve the economy, that Santa is real (I WANT TO BELIEVE), that Mark Buehrle threw a perfect game, that's black, that he is the so-called President of a so-called America, and that this is what it's like when doves cry. In other words, he is a family that can't reconcile, if my understanding of "Purple Rain" is correct.

So you understand that the situation is already dicey. Add to that that the insurance companies have lobbied the everliving fuck out of Congress (who, at the end of the day, are the main driver of this shit) and you should realize that the chances of meaningful, effective health care reform in this country are basically nil. And that's no laughing matter.

On the other hand, "Ghostbusters" is pretty damn funny.

These are three reasons why Obama is an OBUM. But they aren't the only reasons, not by a long shot. The truth is that by the end of his first term, assuming the population isn't that retarded (a risky assumption to begin with), he is going to disappoint the shit out of the country. And things will be bad and you should feel bad. But, before he died, Michael Jackson sang "Bad," and it was a good song. Not his best but still good. And "Bad" begat "Fat," and most Americans are fat. And bad. But it is not the worst thing in the world. We could all be living in Omaha.

If this bummed you out, well, welcome to the real world SONNY.

Heads up! Something is out there!!

Space is the bomb. The bomb diggety. I love outer space because it's all full of crazy shit that you can't even imagine. There are quasars, pulsars, novae, nebulae, African-American holes, caucasian dwarfs, Amerindian dwarfs, and the occasional ladybug.

There is, however, something unsettling about outer space, too. Well, there's a shitload of unsettling things. It's cold, for one thing, and I hate the cold. It's also kinda boring just floating out there, having nothing to do but play Kirby's Pinball. It's also really quiet. Too quiet... like it's planning something...

Actually, it kinda is. Even though space looks kinda placid, it's got tons of shit going on all the time, namely comets, asteroids and off-Broadway shoes starring TV sitcom B-actors. A lot of that shit can really fuck us up, though. In the next 40 years or so, several asteroids are expected to pass rather close to the planet. That's pretty goddamn scary and shit. What if one of them grazes the planet and scrapes Omaha, like a razor blade busting open a zit? Will the US be inundated with puss-filled Nebraskans? The mind shudders to think it.

But what is the worst that can happen, really? Let's find out!

1. Sun gets bored with us and flings us from orbit.

It's true that the sun can't actually fling us from orbit by itself. But it can get the other planets to gang up on us and subtlely pull us off course, like that episode of the Twilight Zone. You know, the one where the kid makes the rest of the world disappear and he turns that guy into a jack-in-the-box.

Why would the sun do that to us, its No. 1 attraction? Well think about it. Here we are, taking all of the sun's energy and giving nothing in return but ozone. Meanwhile, the other planets hate our guts. Ooooohhh, Earth gets all the lifeforms, while Venus is almost literally covered in bad breath!! They'd love to knock us off our pedestal and turn us into another barren, horrid shithole like South Boston.

It's unlikely that this can happen anytime soon, though. With all those occlusions or whatever they're called, the gravitaional forces of the solar system make everything pretty even, so the chances of anything knocking us off our orbit are slim. There is, however, the chance that when the sun begins to expand, it could push us out just enough to fuck us. But that's not for like a hundred billion years or so. In the meantime, the other planets will just have to DEAL WITH IT.

2. Asshole planet barges into solar system and bullwhips us into the cosmos.

Conspiracy nuts aren't content to keep their ideas to Dealey Plaza or the Nazis. Yes, even beyond the moon, some conspiracy nuts believe that bad shit happens because of a Planet X. No, it's not in the Nation of Islam, but it's almost as bad. Planet X is a theoretical planetoid that occasionally pops into the solar system, flies near the Earth, then flies away.

I've never fully understood this supposed intruder negroid planet. First of all, how the fuck can something so large fly so close, and yet nobody notices it? Astronomers (and possibly also botanists) have been tracking large interstellars objects, making sure that they don't come too close to us. So a huge planet slingshotting around escapes their notice? Nuh-uh, says Cho'gall, and I agree.

But the conspiracy nuts simply point out that Planet X is suppressed. We're not supposed to know about it because one day it'll fly up to us and knock us off our orbit, as in point 1. But this would not be a Sol-endorsed action. Is there a ragamuffin planet out there, playing a game of intergalactic chicken with us? Only the men with the tinfoil hats know for sure.

3. Earth is pocketed in a galactic game of pool.

Asteroids are the No. 1 cosmic threat we face. Well no, bees!!! are the No. 1 cosmic threat we face, but asteroids are a close second. Asteroids are giant chunks of rocks floating around the universe, just knocking into shit. They're the reason why the moon has pimples. They also may be the reason why the dinosaurs all died (either that, or dinosaur-on-dinosaur crime got out of control. When will the dinosaurs learn to increase the peace???).

Astronomers keep track of these bastards all the time, though for what purpose is unknown. There's nothing we can really do now to stop an asteroid short of launching Michael Bay at them. I guess astronomers are playing a game. First one to find the killer asteroid wins a happy meal!!

Even though the astronomers have a good bead on a number of them, they admit that watching all of the sky is impossible. It just might be that there's an asteroid floating around out there on an intercept course with our asses. If it's large enough, it could go kablammo and destroy everybody except cockroaches and Peter Frampton (there is no killing that guy!!).

It is theoretically possible for there to be an asteroid large enough to actually pummel the Earth from orbit, but not big enough to annihilate it like a watermelon nailed by a bullet. What if someone, perhaps God or Vishnu or that faggot Osiris is just playing a game of cosmic pool (not billiards, that's for shits)? What if that bastard called out EARTH, CORNER BLACK HOLE. WATCH THIS ASSHOLES!!! and launched a cuesteroid at us? And what if he launches a Captain EO shot that totally blindsides us? It would probably be very gay. But it could happen.

4. Hungry hungry black hole eats our shit.

Black holes get their name because everything that goes into them is annihilated into a fine black paste. It tastes really good on meat, but the tricky part is getting the stuff.

So far, there are tons of black holes out there. While they seem huge and imposing, they are in fact only tiny and imposing. They are so dense that not even light can escape their greedy, assholish grasp. Light! The fastest thing in the universe aside from me after having some chili and sensing a bathroom nearby, heyo!!

You might be curious as to how we can even detect these things. Well it's easy, numbnuts. All you have to do is follow the gigantic sucking sound, although that has become more difficult nowadays with the Mets. Haha, holy shit I'm on fire tonight! Anyway, the other way to see these bastards is by detecting Hawking radiation. I have no clue what that is, but apparently black holes emit that shit. I guess it's like globs of sweat coming off a pig. A black pig. That eats light and planets.

Anyway, scientists aren't too worried about us running into one of these things, but you can never be too sure. If a black hole gets hungry enough, the solar system would be quite a tempting target. Jupiter alone supposedly tastes fucking amazing, and I'm willing to bet that 1.5 billion Chinamen would taste pretty good to a black hole. Will the Earth become Kung Pow Planet? And will we only have FIVE-TEN MINUTE!!!!! warning before we disappear into the maw of a starving hole? Food for thought.

5. Plopped in a microwave by a nova, set for "cook," 15 seconds. Mmmm!

Everyone flips their shit over solar flares baking the Earth. But that's small-time. The real threat to global cookery is gamma rays.

Gamma rays are sorta like microwaves, except instead of delightfully heating up your macaroni, they burn you into pure fuck. Actually that's not strictly true. While gamma rays can indeed fry shit, their main super threat to us is utterly wiping out the ozone layer, not unlike how UV rays do it. Well, I think UV rays do it. I'm not entirely sure.

But without the ozone layer, according to my 4th grade science class, we are all triple-topping fucked. Even if somehow we survive the gamma ray bath, the sun's UV rays, now completely unimpeded by ozone, would give us a cancer bath instead. Life as we know it would be over, unless we can come up with SPF 2,000,0000,00000000,00,0,,0f,00,0004 sunscreen.

On the other hand, it should provide for decent beach weather, so there are tradeoffs here.

Gamma rays only happen when a star novas. According to a reliable source, a star nearby us is about to or may already have gone nova, and it is in such a position that will, and I quote, "drop lasers on our asses." So it could happen any day now!!! If you hear loud beeping in the sky, followed by a guy going, "Honey? Should I pizza or chicken it?" get under the shade, pronto.

6. Solar system bumps into stack of boxes carried by clumsy galaxy.

The Milky Way is like a guy carrying a shitload of stuff. He's happily walking along when, uh oh! another galaxy walks up to it, equally burdened by stuff. The two collide, and stars start smacking into each other. Can that really happen?

Actually, you nimrod, it's happening as we speak! Or type! Or listen to this blog on audiobook! Only $24.99 at Barnes & Noble!

Yes, the Milky Way is in the process of colliding with another galaxy. I don't know which galaxy, perhaps it's the Frank Galaxy that lives upstairs. He's always bumping into stuff! Anyway, according to a reliable source, we're actually safe... for now. If you stick with the analogy for a second longer, imagine the solar system as being carried on the Milky Way's back while the Milky Way collides with Frank in the front. Everything the Milky Way carries in his (yes, it's a man, okay? I checked. No, it's not bigger than mine, that's for sure, ladies!) hands crashes into everything in Frank's hands, so we're safe on his back, away from the carnage in the front.

But this won't be the last time the Milky Way smacks into another galaxy. And the Milky Way is a constantly rotating entity, so the solar system is bound to be on the front line sooner or later. What if a collision happens, and we're in the front?

It's unlikely that another star will literally bash into us. Outer space is frickin' HUGE, MAN. Like, WOW. But, if we brush up close enough to another star, the orbits of the solar system can be severely disrupted, and we could be flung out into the cold, smelly reaches of space. And that would be pretty gay now that I think about it.

It could be possible that another star from a foreign galaxy bumbles into us like a clumsy Nicaraguan. If that were to happen, it would be pretty funny. Imagine the largest America's Funniest Home Videos episode, ever.

Here we see the solar system, minding its own business. Uh ohhh, here comes star ECB-FU2!! What's he doing? Look out! *googidagoogidagoogidagoogida crash boiiiiiiing smash!!!: :laugh track: Oh my, that's certainly not a good STARt! :crowd applauds:

If that were to happen, the sun would probably be annihilated considering that it's relatively small as stars go. As for us, well, I don't have to tell you. We'd be totally safe.








Ahahahaha, holy shit I can't believe you actually believed that! Ahahahahaha!



The next time you look up at the sky, admire all its beauty and all the cool shit and stuff. But be careful. Somewhere out there, in the darkness, something terrible is lurking, and it just might take us all out one day. And not in a good way. I mean it'll take us out to a movie. A bad movie. And it won't leave until it's over. And then it'll take us to a diner. And you know what'll happen next. "Did you like the movie?" "Eh, it was okay." "Well what didn't you like about it?" ":sigh:"

God, it frightens me just thinking about it...

A quick waste of time

From time to time, yes even I watch movies just to feel like I'm staving off death for another few hours. Tonight's fare was "Speed Racer," the 2008 hit (as in, it hit the bottom of the box office LAFFO how was that for redirection?) from the Wachowski Bros.

I could get into a detailed explanation about the films merits, or lack thereof, but I have a better idea.

First, take a blank sheet of paper, any size at all really. Next, take a dozen or so cans of spray paint. Make sure you are NOT wearing a mask.

Now, spray the paint all over the paper, being sure to include an equal amount of each color, for full effect. While this is all going on, breathe in as much as possible, preferably as close to the paint as possible.

The result may not be an accurate description of what happens in the movie or what it's like, but it is an activity more rewarding than watching any part of this movie.

That's how most movie reviews should be. There's really no point in writing a disseration as to why a shitty movie sucks. Even Ebert doesn't bother with full movie reviews anymore. Do I have to list all the reasons why "The Dark Knight" is a good flick? No. It's self-evidentary, really.

But really, "Speed Racer" is a total shit movie and it's good to know that my instinctual reactions to movies is still mostly in tact.