I'm going going back back to Cali Cali

Manny "Manuela" "Manny Mo" "Ramirez" Ramirez is soon to be returning to baseball, fresh off his 50-day suspension for trying to turn into a girl, or something. Of course, the real reason he got suspended was because he was roiding up. Correction: the real reason he was suspended is because he got caught.

Manny's suspension followed a long line of roids outings in the world of baseball. Basically the only decent baller from the past 10 years who has not been confirmed or strongly suspected is Albert "Poo Holes" Pujols, and even ESPN contends that he is a machine and therefore inelligble for the Hall of Fame.

What's notable about Manny getting caught is that he throws cold, piss-filled, possibly shark-infested water on the vaunted Red Sox World Series, which already were suspect as they were achieved against teams from the National League, which is not actually a functioning professional baseball league.

Yes, everyone from the around the world knows about how the Sox defeated the unstoppable St. Louis Cardinals, coached by world-renowned drunk, to break the Curse of the BAMBINO, thus taking away the very last leg of sympathy that Boston had to stand on. Once the Sox clinched that title, they went from hideous underdog shitheads to flat-out evildoers, thus joining the ranks of the Yankees, minus like a billion or so World Series.

With roider after roider popping up, baseball's ability to charm people by pretending to be a kid's game played by grownups (see also: politics, eating mudpies), everyone has gotten a healthy wake-up call, and baseball, like pro football, was confirmed for the soulless corporate exercise that it has been for decades. But everyone deep down knew that.

Just like everyone knows that when they watch "Transformers 2," they are watching a piece of corporate trash that is at least entertaining. WAIT NO HAHA. How about, just like everyone knows that when they watch any Hollywood movie, or read any popular book, or watch any TV show, they are paying some large corporate deity for some form of entertainment. That doesn't mean that all the shit you engage in isn't art, but you expect a modicum of quality for your money.

One of the unspoken qualities of pro baseball is that it's "real." Yes, the rivalries, the attitudes, the coverage and the presentation are all artificial, but when the game is on, you expect that the players are at least earnestly going through the motions, just like when you buy a loaf of bread, you're actually getting bread and not bales of cotton rolled up to look like bread (which incidentally tastes great, especially with marsalla!).

But roiding in baseball ruins that, I think, for most people. Because most people, like me, at least want to watch baseballers earnestly play. We want to embrace the notion that some people are just that good at a stupid kid's game, getting that way through sheer talent, determination and hard work. It makes us think, "Hey, if Koyee Hill can make the major leagues, maybe I can finally make vice president of middle management!!!" Well not me, middle management sucks. I'm not gonna stop until I make ASSISTANT HEAD CUSTODIAN. GET THE FUCK OFF MY FLOOR I JUST MOPPED THERE.

For the Red Sox Nation (analogous to Zimbabwe minus the blacks), winning it all in 2004 was a cathartic experience, finally cleansing themselves of all the curses, the jeers, the rampant failure. But sadly, nothing can cleanse them of the grime, BO or pink caps.

But now that Manny is a confirmed roider (and David "hmmm suddenly I play like an old man" Ortiz not being far from suspect), that catharsis gets to be thrown in the trash heap of phoney illusions barfed up from baseball since the 90s. Now Manny (and who knows how many other Sox) have tarnished that image, but perhaps the timing was best for the Sox and their smelly (Y'ALL STINK) fans, for it happened at a time where most people are just fed up with baseball and don't give a shit either way.

"But [insert author's name here], surely that means that the Yankees four titles in the 90s are also tarnished!" Well yeah, but that's ancient history, along with McGwire and Sosa. And only Yankees fans care about that shit anyway. And guess what, only Red Sox fans care about Red Sox World Series. One thing I've NEVER accepted about pro sports is how super-cool-awesome it is when a team that isn't the team you root for wins a championship. That's like caring because Italy beat Shitholeland (loofa, you mean Italy beat itself?) in some war, except sports has no real-world relevance at all. Why should I care that the fucking Steelers won a Super Bowl? They suck and they play in a city that is literally crumbling. When it comes to championships for non-favorite teams, the best you can hope for is that the shittier team loses. Everyone is happy that the Lakers beat the Magic because the Magic suck and Orlando sucks and everything in Florida sucks especially and FUCK YOU DWIGHT IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT MY GIRL AGAIN I WILL KILL YOU.

So in reality, Manny has been a net positive for me, personally, because that means his mere presence reminds everyone that the Sox's championships were dirty, and then we won't have to hear all about how MIRACULOUS it was that they BEAT THE CARDINALS and ENDED THE CURSE. Because the Sox're all cheaters and cheaters never prosper. Except for every year in baseball over the past 15 years. But yeah.

Thank you Manny, and welcome back. We missed you!!!

Notes on a coup (not coupe)

If you ain't a damn fool, then surely you've noticed that Iran is blowing up (and not just on the charts). Apparently Iranians react poorly to vote tampering and outright rigging, especially from old clods like the Ayatollah Khamenei (Ayatollah Khomeini was unavailable for comment).

It's certainly exciting to watch. The protesters/rebel alliance are mostly young, tech savvy people using the power of Twitter and YouTube and the Internet in general to bypass the state's attempts at controlling communication. It's not exactly revolutionary (hyuck), although I am beginning to suspect that Twitter arranged this as an ultimate viral marketing campaign. I expect an ARG to be unveiled shortly.

Will they prevail? It's hard to say. The first time Iranians revolted, it took them over a year to overthrow the Shah (no word if anyone went "Shah, right!" when someone asked for Reza after he was deposed). Meanwhile, it took only two months for the Berlin Wall to tumble after protesters started. Maybe this one will wrap up in time for "Entourage's" premiere.

Speaking of which, there are a few notable things lacking that I think the protestors could use to good effect. Here are some suggestions for them to liven up the place:

1) Pies! Everyone loves a good pieing. Very few people are pied and have their credibility in tact afterwards. A well-placed pie on Khamenei could end his regime overnight, but understandably it's hard to get near the bastard. Even a suicide pie-er would have little chance.

On the other hand, the government's foot soldiers are ripe for pieing. Imagine watching a basij trying to beat someone while covered in cream or, worse, lemon meringue! His morale would break down in seconds. And best of all, when it's all over, we can appropriately backdrop the whole thing with Yakety Sax.

However, just to be on the safe side, no apple pies should be used. If there's any hint of American involvement, it could undermine the whole movement. Also, please do not use cherry pies, I hate that song and I do not want ironic tie-ins with it. Thanks. You're welcome.

2) Rappers! Nothing livens up things like a good rap artist appearing and making women do ungodly things. And the current rap scene is just as hot as it has been in a long time.

Iranians love western culture, so surely they will appreciate not mere shout-outs from some of today's hottest acts, but entire appearances and perhaps even a concert could overwhelm the Council of Experts with their starpower and gaudiness.

But who to send? When I considered this question, I immediately thought of HOVA, that is Jay-Z. HOV, like the HOV lane, is highly coveted all over the world, and he knows it. His "swagger" and "sunglasses" give him a cool demeanor, inspiring all around him with his ability to "talk jive" and "perform complex equasions." He's savvy and rich enough to market the revolution to a hip, cultured, suburban audience. Imagine him remixing the video to his hit song "H to the Izzo" down Iran Street, perhaps in Farsi. Hell, for the women alone it would be worth it.

There's a strong temptation to send Li'l Wayne over. While he's the undisputed king of rap (God save him), there's a strong chance that he could be overplayed and that the revolution would peter out. On the other hand, "Every Girl" is a great song.

For the practical amongst us, 50 Cent would be a very good choice. He's an exception feuder as the now-emasculated Rick Ross now knows (sorry Rick still love ya). 50 also has experience in blowing people away over drug money. I don't know if hookah is considered a drug per se, but if someone convinced 50 that that shit was prime for marketing in Iran, I'm sure he'd be all over it. Hell, he seems to have some experience in that area of the world already.


3) Dizzy Dizzy motherfucking Dinosaur. In the days of yore (as in, yore a cocksnuff laffo), board games often only hinted at danger, such as Trouble and its horrifying secret of the dome (but that's a story for another day, children). But few board games were as visceral as Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur, the game where cavemen literally stacked up in order to be bashed or trampled to death by a crazed vertigo-suffering dinosaur.

The face of revolution

With Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur on their side, the protestors cannot fail. All they need to do is trick the police and basij into forming neat stacks of authoritarianism, then unleash the unforgiving power of Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur. After one spin around Iran Square, the government will have to lay down its arms, terrified by visions of the dinosaur knocking over shit in the presidential palace or something.

But be warned, protestors, for Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur cannot be tamed. Once he is wound up, he will kill indiscriminantly. Be careful that you do not end up another victim of his malevolent, semi-confused rage.

4) The tea partiers. In May 20 or something, 300,000 people worldwide turned out to protest teabags or some shit. I don't really know what it was about but it apparently involved a lot of middle-class white people making asses of themselves over paying taxes. While Iran has a notable lack of white people, it does have an abundance of people willing to go out and actually protest something.

Never forget... to tip your waitress.

But, you might say, you're a total dreamboat! Well yes, Tina, I am, but that doesn't have much to do with the current situation. You might also say that the tea partiers were pathetic in number, largely motivated by stupidity, and didn't have to face down any real threats other than threats to their dignity. True on all points, but that's not the point, as it were. No points for pointing that out. Now take point with the point guard, and be on point! Excuse me while I write a few pointers to my PowerPoint presentation for the Poynter Institute.

Okay I'm bored with that now. Anyway, What the tea partiers lacked in numbers, determination and credibility, they made up for with outrageous silliness. I don't know if Iran has a Glenn Beck. I'm pretty sure they have at least one mentally unstable moron who probably goes home each night and screams at hallucinations in the basement. Now all they'd need is one such moron who actually doesn't represent the authoritarian elements of society, slap some teabags on him, and voila, now the protest can draw in the sheepish, clueless Iranian middle class.

I don't know how the class situation breaks down in Iran. Apparently Ahmedinejad was popular with the poor a few years ago, so that makes this strategy ripe for motivating the anti-poor people in Iran. If the protestors can maintain the image that they're not just a bunch of kids yelling "NO, YOU CLEAN UP THE YARD, DAD," that could provide the critical mass needed to finally force real change in the country (or, as some might say, change you can believe in!!!!).

Imagine a whole army of miffed Iranian middle-classers (we call them midders) making overly wordy signs calling Khamenei a communist and a socialist and a pedophile. Country singers asking us to remember that day when, um, some gay people were spotted and promptly disposed of, but not before causing untold awkwardness around the town for a while. Hell, I'm sure they can come up with their own version of THIS IS ARE COUNTRY.

The only problem is what the tea partiers would do when actually confronted with police who were not openly sympathetic with their disdain for the non-caucasoid in chief. There might be confusion at the notion of actually fighting the cops, and that could lead to the tea partiers turning on the protestors briefly before slinking back home to watch Pajamas Media videos of Yentas Yammering for Yisrael. It's a risky proposition, but when you're in open rebellion against a bunch of old people, risk is the name of the game.

5) Speaking of which, if the protestors are to achieve final victory, they must absolutely start in Australia or they will be ruined.

***

The protestors are fighting hard for their freedoms (or as they might say, ARE FREEDOMS), and a lot of concerned yankees are sitting around wondering what they can do to help them. Well sorry, chum, there's fuck all you can do unless you can set up a proxy for the Iranians to use to circumvent state censors. And even then that's not too useful. Some people think we should turn everything green to support the protestors, but that's foolish, since all that would do is embolden the Libyans.

Americans deep down inside love adventure, and they secretly wish they can be in the middle of Tehran, yelling FUCK DA POLICE and actually not appear stupid. But this is one that's best watched from afar. Maybe one day we'll have our own revolution, and then you can go out and protest all you want. But until the country can rise a bit beyond the level of a loose confederation of confused white people vaguely complaining about Obama, we'll just have to enjoy revolution through fucking Twitter.

Hmmm, maybe it's for the best it doesn't happen here at all.

OPRAHPOST!!!! FANTASTIC!

So you might have read that article in Newsweek concerning one Oprah Winfrey. The long and short of it is that "O," as she's called by her fans and imaginary friends, promotes quackery and other foolishness on her TV show. Well, mainly quackery.

I don't watch Oprah. Honest to God. I swear. I mean I've watched it every now and then, but I don't watch it religiously. I FUCKIN'DON'T, OKAY? From what I gather, her show is supposed to be very, very friendly to everyone on it and in the audience. It's like "The View," but not menopausal. And not at all interesting. Or so I thought.

I always figured there was something off about Oprah. Her popularity didn't really shock me, after all. Bored people have to watch something, after all. But there's something just so unsettling about Oprah herself. She's like a matron who fills the day up end-to-end with activities for the kids. What does she do on her downtime? Does he have downtime? She gives the impression that she is all about herself and her media empire. It doesn't help that she apparently has no significant others or anything like that. Does she just sit around all day, thinking of something new to do on her show? Some might consider that talent, but I consider it madness.

And now we have all this quackery. The easy thing to do is denounce her for promoting vagina shots (a hyuck), demoting vaccines and generally duping her audience. But I'm not after what's easy. If I were, I wouldn't be chasing women from Massachusetts!

Denouncing Oprah is not only easy, it's pointless too. As far as I can tell, Oprah's media empire is, like Foix, a vassal, a microcosm, an illusion. It's Oz for the bored housewife. Confronting it doesn't do any good because if Oprah were to fall, her former toady Dr. Phil would take over, or Judge Alexis, or Maury, or Tyra, or Ellen, or whomeverthefuck. There are already dozens of choices for people who are too stupid to question everything they see on TV, and worse, are overly responsive to friendly-looking people.

Oprah is not the problem. She's the symptom. The presence of an Oprah means something is wrong. Destroying her empire is like alleviating fever while ebola ravages your body. But if she's not the problem, who or what is?

The problem is, of course, the media at large. In this particular case, it's the destruction of science and reason, deliberately done so to sell shit. I don't honestly think that Oprah believes in the stuff she's selling. Nobody can be that stupid and do what she does. Hell, she even had to pull back one of her audience members for attempting to destroy cancer with the sheer power of her will! That's not the actions of a fool, that's the actions of a liability-aware saleswoman.

But the attempt to destroy the intellect of her audience is deliberate, and it's cliched to point out why she's doing this. But it's interesting to compare this to ye olden days of advertising. Back then, advertisers attempted to sell their shit by appealing to science, reason, intellect, etc. Well, mostly. I mean, there's no intelligent way to promote cigarettes. The Oppenheimer Lucky Strike spread famously bombed. But if they were selling a toothbrush, they'd point out that their toothbrush was approved by the American Dental Association, and then you would run screaming out of the convenience store. SHOPLIFTER!!!

Even into the 90s, when video games were advertized, technical prowess wasn't merely demonstrated by showing the action (mainly because video games were barely presentable to begin with), they had to appeal to technology to get you going. Who doesn't remember the n-bit wars? That's right, nigs, the SNES is TWICE AS POWERFUL AS THE NINTENDO!!!

Of course it was bullshit, but it made you feel smart. It used numbers and technology and charts and shit. It made you feel like you were reaching into the future, whether it was cars, bedspreads, slinkies, Skip-Its, rat poison, darts, or anything at all. But today's advertizing mostly eschews that. At least mostly when it comes to products that aren't medicine or electronics.

And this isn't just about advertizing. There's a growing sense that the powers that be want us to act more stupidly than normal. They don't want to trick us into thinking we're smart. They want us to actively reject intelligence in favor of superstition and retardation.

How else can Jenny McCarthy (JENNY MCCARTHY) convince people that vaccines are bad? If you fancy yourself an intellectual, you're going to reject Jenny McCarthy outright. You're too much of a fancypants scientist with your pocket calculator to listen to a crude bimbo, are you? But if you actively indulge in stupid behavior, all of a sudden you're on the level of Ms. McCarthy against the hoighty-toighty doctors and their poison vaccines. Now your stupidity is a weapon of righteousness!

But what can this sell? Oprah's using it to sell bullshit cures. But a lot of people have put thought into this, and they want something. Maybe it's our industrial overlords. Maybe they want to keep launching CO2 into the atmosphere with impunity. Well if scientists talk about global warming, that would interfere with their plans. If enough people are stupid enough to believe that mankind can't ruin the atmosphere because of the Bible, though, then stopping global warming becomes a lot harder.

What about evolution? A relatively benign subject all things considered, except a lot of people are now invested in squelching it. Why? Well, if people listen to scientists about biology, then that means they would trust them in other areas. If you're invested in people believing that the world is only 6,000 years old, though, then science is bad bad bad! It's witchcraft, practically! If you have people denouncing scientists, then they'll also believe that condoms have a huge failure rate and that psychology is a sham. Remember, folks, the Church was freaked out about something as simple as heliocentrism.

If this attitude persisted in the old days, we'd have politicians questioning whether cigarettes really cause cancer. "It's not the cigs, it's a coincidence! Maybe if you stopped touching yourself, your throat and lungs would be clear today!!" If Marlboro had this idea back then, they might just have prevailed, and cigs would be right up there with booze on the TV today.

If you need to be told that advertising in all its forms is pervasive in everything, you should probably sit down. Everyone and everything that is in a position of power is out to dupe you. Oprah is no different. Crushing her makes no difference. Jon Stewart elaborately eviscerated "Crossfire," only to have 500 more shows of its ilk spring up. The truth wants to be heard, but lies talk the loudest.

Oprah operates on the same level. She doesn't want you to really think about what she's saying. She just wants you to feel it, just like nana rocking you to sleep and talking about cookie gumdrop kingdoms and happy endings. No, not those happy endings. I could use one right now, though.

And before you think this is a women's-only thing, keep in mind that men are convinced that cars are primarily useful as a status symbol.

What we're seeing is a definite shift, I believe. Our overlords are not longer content with making us think we're smart. They want us to simply feel wonderful about everything, and if something is making us feel less than wonderful, don't come talking to people who deal in facts or numbers or figures. Talk to the people who make you feel warm and fuzzy. The cold, hard logic of science can't make you do that unless you're a nerdlinger who cuddles up every night with booleans and fractals and whatever the fuck that thing is on Wikipedia.

I always thought that "Brave New World" was the scarier of the two dystopias (the other being "1984".) "1984" seemed like it would give you just enough freedom to cause trouble before going out in a blaze of glory. But in "Brave New World," if you stepped out of line, theyd just launch soma at you until you were a blathering tard. How do you fight against that? Surrounded by people who want everything to be hokey-dokey no matter how screwed up everything was.

The scientist today is turning into the troublemaker, where before they were seen as the guardian, the wizard of society inventing all this cool new shit for us to play with. Now they're pooping our parties, what with screwing with our cars and coal factories, and defying our Bible. If we take away the scientist, who will we turn to?

...

Oh my God.

...

THE PLUMBERS!!!!