Obama has one weakness: the Teleprompter. Actually it's not his weakness, it's the only source of strength he has. You see, the reason Obama (a Moslem) is unpopular is because he has to, like a young illiterate child, transpose his speeches on a Teleprompter, then read them to "cameras" and "reporters" and "audiences" like a fool. Surely nobody else would ever use such a crutch, Mr. Hannity.
Today, Obama was giving a speech on pig flus and his new dog when, I guess, the Teleprompter was a bit less than hasty in dispatching his notes. This caused some consternation because Obama's speech got messed up, and he verbally berated the rogue machine for its tardiness. Well you can bet that some people were a-titter about that little embarrassment.
Except not. Some were DEALY SERIOUS. As in DEALY PLAZA. And you know what happened there.
Now I-- what? It's Dealey Plaza? Well, shit, I guess we're okay, for now.
Anyway, now I understand that Republicans have absolutely nothing pertinent to say, what with defending torture like a fraternity boy arguing that waterboarding some pledges is just a good round o' fun. So desperate are they to point out that the colossus has bronze feet that they pick up on any mishap and either a) inflate the seriousness of it, or b) use it to point out that Obama is not as popular as advertised.
(By the way, you might be wondering why I am unusually eloquent tonight. I have been watching a spot o' British television and their cockney ways have rubbed off on me I'm afraid. Bear with me, mate!)
The Republicans keep insisting that there is a "silent majority" that is waiting in the wings, just waiting to vote them back into power because the States is a center-right country and all. Of course, in the past two elections, they must've been the silent and crippled majority because they couldn't give enough of a toss to show up at the voting booths.
This myth has, of course, persisted since the Nixon days. Oddly enough, the mercurial silent majority sometimes pops up to vote for a Republican as president, and sometimes not. They also frequently voted for Democrats in Congress. Big surprise, when you rely on an entity that's as real as the elves of Middle Earth, you don't actually come up with results that mean anything.
So addled are the GOP by Obama that they have also clinged to a stunt performed today in the skies over NYC. Some brilliant mind decided that the POST 9/11 (refrain from forgetting, please) WORLD would be perfectly fine with a commuter jet flying relatively low and towards buildings. These are the kinds of things that make you feel good about life because you know that people are so retarded that they can cause chaos purely from nowhere, and that's funny because if it wasn't then you'd never leave your house, stuck on your couch in horror until you realize that curling up into a ball is bad for your back, so you lay yourself out in a straight line on the floor, but then you realize that if an earthquake happens, you will be sucked into the ground like in that horrifying Mark Twain claymation cartoon. And you do NOT want to know what that's all about.
Well you can imagine the stink the GOP made about this retarded show of stupidity. They are now demanding that Obama be held personally responsible and are mewling about the cost of the photo op. Leave it to the GOP to see Obama making a fool of himself and then jump in front of the spotlight like an overeager prankster, taking all the focus and reminding people that they recently had as president a man who never met an idiom he couldn't butcher.
I can understand how Obama can be frustrating. Here he is, taking up all the media attention by signing orders and saying this and doing that and having another press conference so that Jake Tapper can play "Smear the Queer" with the White House Press Corps. Obama is like the drama that plays before the GOP sitcom, the Emmy-award winning farce that people tune into because they like catharsis and they like the idea that someone can be in control of something so fundamentally retarded as the United States of America. And then the GOP comes on, complete with a stifled laugh track, playing the husband who falls on the ground trying to fix the sofa because men are idiots, especially James Belushi. Well there the GOP is, on the floor going, "WHAAAAAAAA?" and hoping that the audience will find them charming enough to renew for EIGHT FUCKING YEARS? HOLY SHIT.
While the comparison to the GOP with Jim Belushi is apt, comparing Obama to, say, liberal-president dreamhunk Josiah C. Bartlett of "The West Wing" is less than apt. For one thing, Obama is completely grounded in the realism of the presidency, that is, it's mainly about making shitty decisions that hurt a ton of people, and it's not at all about ideology. Sorry Mr. Sorkin, I didn't mean to walk in front of the telly while you were trying to wank it to universal health care or the notion that the president gives more than a passing shit about the condition of the unpeople that make it up. But that's the way things are. Which is why the GOP will continue to be a clownshow until someone shows up at the next production meeting, executes the Belushis and replaces them with something cooler and more grounded, like, say, "House" or "Life on Mars." Yes I like those two shows. EAT ME.
So there we are, comparing politics to television because the world keeps slipping into chaos. People who say that real life is boring need to check themselves. Mmmmm hmmmmmmmm.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Welcome ta Earf Day
Today was Earf Day, the day where everyone has to pretend to care about the Earf. Okay I'm gonna stop that now.
Earth Day started years ago, back when people were retarded enough to think that directly inhaling raw soot had no adverse effects to their health. That was when people realized that maybe dumping PCBs all over the place wasn't necessarily a good idea. We've come a long way since then and have discovered new and wondrous ways to give ourselves cancer.
One of the big ironies of the day was NBC's green initiatives. What was so "green" about them? As far as I can tell, all it consisted of was putting an NBC IS GREEN! bug on their screens and not doing much of anything else. Keep in mind that NBC/Universal is owned by General Electric, which had to be dragged kicking and screaming into cleaning up the PCBs it dumped into the Hudson River.
What do I think of Earth Day? Not much. A lot about the environment puts me ill at ease, what with the shitload of chemicals put into food and the soil, global warming, smog clouds over China and, charmingly enough, a giant patch of plastic trash floating in the Pacific. I'm not necessarily scared that there is a blob of trash floating around the Pacific Ocean, a blob that shows no signs of dissipating whatsoever and may eventually form a land bridge between California and northern China, allowing the Chicoms to finally ride their Mongol tanks straight into the HEARTLAND. I'm just alarmed that such a thing can exist at all.
There are some people (Republicans) who rail against Earth Day because it is offensive to their sensibilities. They protest by turning all the lights on in their houses, cranking their ACs up all the way, and possibly dumping lead into aquifers. Sometimes I suspect that people merely put up a pretense of civilization, and then go for any bit of barbarism they can find as soon as people aren't looking. At any rate, if there ever is a Don't Jump Off a Bridge Day, I think the GOP will suddenly find its constituency horribly reduced.
I understand not wanting to be a hippie who finds any and all afronts to mother nature intolerable. I'm not sure what drives people to deliberately want to destroy their environment, though. Do they think they are wounding Gaia? Are they secretly pagans? Have we been tolerating heathens in our midst, earth-worshipping Wiccans bent on destroying the natural order of things?
Fuck no. People are juvenile. That's why they think that dumping toxic waste directly into the ocean is just fine and dandy. The earth doesn't seem to react when you cut a tree down or chop up a mountain to rip out the coal underneath. So you can do whatever you want to it!
Long Island has one of the highest rates of breast cancer in the country, so I don't really find the notion of belching carcinogens into the air to be that charming. On the other hand, I find Holocaust jokes to be amusing. I'm just a big ol' contradiction, much like eveyone who puts an Earth Day bug on their TV channels and then dumps more pollutants wherever they think nobody is looking.
Happy Earf Day. SHIT
Earth Day started years ago, back when people were retarded enough to think that directly inhaling raw soot had no adverse effects to their health. That was when people realized that maybe dumping PCBs all over the place wasn't necessarily a good idea. We've come a long way since then and have discovered new and wondrous ways to give ourselves cancer.
One of the big ironies of the day was NBC's green initiatives. What was so "green" about them? As far as I can tell, all it consisted of was putting an NBC IS GREEN! bug on their screens and not doing much of anything else. Keep in mind that NBC/Universal is owned by General Electric, which had to be dragged kicking and screaming into cleaning up the PCBs it dumped into the Hudson River.
What do I think of Earth Day? Not much. A lot about the environment puts me ill at ease, what with the shitload of chemicals put into food and the soil, global warming, smog clouds over China and, charmingly enough, a giant patch of plastic trash floating in the Pacific. I'm not necessarily scared that there is a blob of trash floating around the Pacific Ocean, a blob that shows no signs of dissipating whatsoever and may eventually form a land bridge between California and northern China, allowing the Chicoms to finally ride their Mongol tanks straight into the HEARTLAND. I'm just alarmed that such a thing can exist at all.
There are some people (Republicans) who rail against Earth Day because it is offensive to their sensibilities. They protest by turning all the lights on in their houses, cranking their ACs up all the way, and possibly dumping lead into aquifers. Sometimes I suspect that people merely put up a pretense of civilization, and then go for any bit of barbarism they can find as soon as people aren't looking. At any rate, if there ever is a Don't Jump Off a Bridge Day, I think the GOP will suddenly find its constituency horribly reduced.
I understand not wanting to be a hippie who finds any and all afronts to mother nature intolerable. I'm not sure what drives people to deliberately want to destroy their environment, though. Do they think they are wounding Gaia? Are they secretly pagans? Have we been tolerating heathens in our midst, earth-worshipping Wiccans bent on destroying the natural order of things?
Fuck no. People are juvenile. That's why they think that dumping toxic waste directly into the ocean is just fine and dandy. The earth doesn't seem to react when you cut a tree down or chop up a mountain to rip out the coal underneath. So you can do whatever you want to it!
Long Island has one of the highest rates of breast cancer in the country, so I don't really find the notion of belching carcinogens into the air to be that charming. On the other hand, I find Holocaust jokes to be amusing. I'm just a big ol' contradiction, much like eveyone who puts an Earth Day bug on their TV channels and then dumps more pollutants wherever they think nobody is looking.
Happy Earf Day. SHIT
Give that rodent an Oscar! I mean a Grammy! I mean SHIT
The British, as you know, are insane. Only they would think that a colonial empire stretching from Hong Kong to the Falklands is worth shit. So it's no surprise that they produced this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gM5PjQW16r0
That's "Tales of the Riverbank," a show that takes the general idea of "Mr. Ed" and one-ups it to outrageous new heights. If this was a game of HORSE (laffo), Mr. Ed would've just quit after the first round.
Take a look at the clips of this show. There are hamsters on airplanes, balloons, boats, not to mention performing construction, curing herpes, engaging in proxy wars against the Communists (mealworms are known Marxists, after all), having sexual scandals involving acorns, engaging in police brutality, and nibbling.
I don't know if this is a feat of imagination or of madness. Perhaps it makes no difference.
No doubt this show would have violated several animal-cruelty laws today. Maybe some of these Hammies died so that others would not be exploited in the future. Well, aside from inside Mary Kay labs. Baby steps to full civil rights, rodents. Baby steps.
Today, of course, this show would've been all CGI, or at the very least puppets. It may look slicker and it may be an achievement on a different scale, but it would never live up to the lunacy and gall that "Tales of the Riverbank" had to film rodents nibbling and dub it with cockney bastards.
There was a time when animals were considered a major draw to television and film audiences. Movies from "Milo & Otis" to "Homeward Bound" to "The Great Panda Adventure" to "Aliens" featured creatures we all loved, and they all could talk like humans, which for adults introduced all sorts of pressing questions about predatorial rights and slavery, but for kids were just peachy. Well, not so much the panda movie, that bombed.
But animals don't hold our interest anymore. Real animals, that is. I mean sure, we go apeshit over the panda cubs and the koalas being punched and Knut the now ferocious and hideous polar bear. But we no longer turn to them to entertain us, and perhaps that's a good thing after all. But it's a different proposition when you make "Finding Nemo" with real clownfish and wrasse. Haha I know there are no wrasse in Nemo but I love saying that name. Wrasse. Wrasse! Wrasse wrasse wrasse! Spotted wrasse! GIANT GROUPER.
The truth is that "Finding Nemo" would probably have sucked if you had real fish dotting back and forth, using their puffing mouths as a proxy for actual verbal communication. Certainly you couldn't really reproduce some of the more exciting scenes without the creative use of puppets and hoping to God the audience can suspend its incredulity long enough to make it past the jellyfish.
But what if someone could pull it off, anyway? You'd think the notion of keeping a hamster in a model airplane would render the job impossible. Yet these limeys did it. Maybe the real challenge to making an animal film is not in deciding which plucky protozoan should be voiced by the gay celebrity (Nathan Lane would make a perfect Myxozoan). Maybe the real challenge is figuring out what to do with the real thing, like using a petulent child actor. Sure, the actual product would suck, but would we admire the effort?
I'm not so sure. We recently had "Space Dogs," a film about puppies being launched to the moon as part of some sadistic Chinese experiment. But this time they dispensed with simply letting the dogs pant and dubbing from there and simply crudely animated mouths on their snouts. Is that any different at all? No, I'm splitting hairs. But what do we think of the director who has to sit on the set while some animal trailer gets the dogs to stop shitting in the Sea of Tranquility?
Well, actually, we don't think anything of them. Because they're directing a movie called "Space Dogs" about dogs that are literally in outer space. And they talk. Like children.
This shit really was best left behind in the past. Sorry to have wasted your time.
Alright I'm not sorry at all. Shut the fuck up and enjoy the hamsters.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gM5PjQW16r0
That's "Tales of the Riverbank," a show that takes the general idea of "Mr. Ed" and one-ups it to outrageous new heights. If this was a game of HORSE (laffo), Mr. Ed would've just quit after the first round.
Take a look at the clips of this show. There are hamsters on airplanes, balloons, boats, not to mention performing construction, curing herpes, engaging in proxy wars against the Communists (mealworms are known Marxists, after all), having sexual scandals involving acorns, engaging in police brutality, and nibbling.
I don't know if this is a feat of imagination or of madness. Perhaps it makes no difference.
No doubt this show would have violated several animal-cruelty laws today. Maybe some of these Hammies died so that others would not be exploited in the future. Well, aside from inside Mary Kay labs. Baby steps to full civil rights, rodents. Baby steps.
Today, of course, this show would've been all CGI, or at the very least puppets. It may look slicker and it may be an achievement on a different scale, but it would never live up to the lunacy and gall that "Tales of the Riverbank" had to film rodents nibbling and dub it with cockney bastards.
There was a time when animals were considered a major draw to television and film audiences. Movies from "Milo & Otis" to "Homeward Bound" to "The Great Panda Adventure" to "Aliens" featured creatures we all loved, and they all could talk like humans, which for adults introduced all sorts of pressing questions about predatorial rights and slavery, but for kids were just peachy. Well, not so much the panda movie, that bombed.
But animals don't hold our interest anymore. Real animals, that is. I mean sure, we go apeshit over the panda cubs and the koalas being punched and Knut the now ferocious and hideous polar bear. But we no longer turn to them to entertain us, and perhaps that's a good thing after all. But it's a different proposition when you make "Finding Nemo" with real clownfish and wrasse. Haha I know there are no wrasse in Nemo but I love saying that name. Wrasse. Wrasse! Wrasse wrasse wrasse! Spotted wrasse! GIANT GROUPER.
The truth is that "Finding Nemo" would probably have sucked if you had real fish dotting back and forth, using their puffing mouths as a proxy for actual verbal communication. Certainly you couldn't really reproduce some of the more exciting scenes without the creative use of puppets and hoping to God the audience can suspend its incredulity long enough to make it past the jellyfish.
But what if someone could pull it off, anyway? You'd think the notion of keeping a hamster in a model airplane would render the job impossible. Yet these limeys did it. Maybe the real challenge to making an animal film is not in deciding which plucky protozoan should be voiced by the gay celebrity (Nathan Lane would make a perfect Myxozoan). Maybe the real challenge is figuring out what to do with the real thing, like using a petulent child actor. Sure, the actual product would suck, but would we admire the effort?
I'm not so sure. We recently had "Space Dogs," a film about puppies being launched to the moon as part of some sadistic Chinese experiment. But this time they dispensed with simply letting the dogs pant and dubbing from there and simply crudely animated mouths on their snouts. Is that any different at all? No, I'm splitting hairs. But what do we think of the director who has to sit on the set while some animal trailer gets the dogs to stop shitting in the Sea of Tranquility?
Well, actually, we don't think anything of them. Because they're directing a movie called "Space Dogs" about dogs that are literally in outer space. And they talk. Like children.
This shit really was best left behind in the past. Sorry to have wasted your time.
Alright I'm not sorry at all. Shut the fuck up and enjoy the hamsters.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Twitter is for twee twerps, two twucks near the twowwey
Everyone is a twitter about Twitter. I will now execute myself for using that. But before I go, you should know that Twitter is basically a scam. It's the Yahoo! of bullshit. Like most fads, it takes a deceptively simple concept and stretches it way too far.
And like a fad, everyone rushes to join it. This time around, Twitter has been backed by celebrities and politicians. Now every politician thinks people are chomping at the bit to follow their inane thoughts or their retarded reactions to shit.
Most obnoxious are media personalities adopting it. CNN's Rick Sanchez's Twitter is supposed to be a big fuckin' deal. He responds to people who twat at him, which I suppose is cool and shit, but beyond that, virtually nobody has any useful thing to do with Twitter.
Twittites defend it by saying that it's supposed to be a simple way to follow what someone's doing during the day, or to find out how people are reacting to things they encounter during the day. But that's stupid. I don't want people to know my every reaction to everything. If I think something is interesting, I will tell you myself later on, not broadcast the thought and have random people read/respond to it. That doesn't seem to strike me as the point of communication. It's more like how animals communicate (in most situations), just spouting shit and having everyone else react appropriately.
Well I'm not an animal. I'M A HUMAN FUCKING BEING. DO YOU HEAR ME, TWITTER? YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME!
Anyway, Twitter has reached its peak, I think. It has hit the top of its fad-dom. All it needs to do is jump the shark and then drop down to a Pets.com level, into obscurity. What will that shark be? I'm betting someone will twitter a mass murder and people will realize how fucking pointless and gauche it is and abandon it.
Or Facebook will devour it. Same shit.
P.S. It's been said before, but only Shaq's Twitter is any good. Now here's a man who understands new media: It's largely an exercise in absurdity not to be taken seriously.
And like a fad, everyone rushes to join it. This time around, Twitter has been backed by celebrities and politicians. Now every politician thinks people are chomping at the bit to follow their inane thoughts or their retarded reactions to shit.
Most obnoxious are media personalities adopting it. CNN's Rick Sanchez's Twitter is supposed to be a big fuckin' deal. He responds to people who twat at him, which I suppose is cool and shit, but beyond that, virtually nobody has any useful thing to do with Twitter.
Twittites defend it by saying that it's supposed to be a simple way to follow what someone's doing during the day, or to find out how people are reacting to things they encounter during the day. But that's stupid. I don't want people to know my every reaction to everything. If I think something is interesting, I will tell you myself later on, not broadcast the thought and have random people read/respond to it. That doesn't seem to strike me as the point of communication. It's more like how animals communicate (in most situations), just spouting shit and having everyone else react appropriately.
Well I'm not an animal. I'M A HUMAN FUCKING BEING. DO YOU HEAR ME, TWITTER? YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME!
Anyway, Twitter has reached its peak, I think. It has hit the top of its fad-dom. All it needs to do is jump the shark and then drop down to a Pets.com level, into obscurity. What will that shark be? I'm betting someone will twitter a mass murder and people will realize how fucking pointless and gauche it is and abandon it.
Or Facebook will devour it. Same shit.
P.S. It's been said before, but only Shaq's Twitter is any good. Now here's a man who understands new media: It's largely an exercise in absurdity not to be taken seriously.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Blacks vs. Asians: Baseball
I love baseball. It's the second coolest sport on earth (I won't divulge the first coolest bestest). This is the only sport where people like Kurt Suzuki can be considered "good" at. But that has nothing to do with anything.
The best thing about baseball, hands down, is that it's on every day. Every fucking day, someone is scratching his balls on the bench, someone is yelling obscenities in the stands, someone is trying to argue that bunting is a good idea. People say baseball is a slow sport. They're all gay. All of them. A rainbow coalition of critics. I know the rainbow coalition concerns more than just gayness, I'm just saying they're dumb. And so are you.
How can baseball be a slow sport? It's always on! You can't say that about football. Babies need a whole week to recooperate because everyone is on roids. The roids aren't an excuse, though, because everyone was on roids in baseball too. They're on HGH now. It's different because it shrivels your balls in different ways.
I have the MLB Network. It is the model of what a sports-oriented network should be: live programming all the fucking time with live look-ins on ongoing games. So I can hear Jerry Remy on NESN calling the other team a bunch of negro-loving bastards for daring to hit the ball past PEDROYAAAUHHHHHH I LOVE THESE WICKE' HAHD DONUHTS. Even Dan Plesac being an analyst can't harsh the buzz.
What do I not like about baseball?
1. People don't realize how much of it is based on luck. Here's a story for you. It's Roslyn Little League. Bottom of the 7th (9th). We're ahead by 1. We are the Expos, the Green Team. Best team I've ever been on. I'd go to war with those guys if I could remembre their names.
Anyway, we're facing the Azure Team. I think they were the Cardinals. I'm catching. Pitcher throws. IT'S A WILD PITCH OVER MY HEAD. I jump all the way up but it's too high. Man on third's coming home. I turn around looking for the ball and there it is, bounced off the backstop right in front of me. I grab it, maintaining my momentum and spin back to the plate. Runner sees me blocking the plate. Oh fags!, he thinks. He comes to a stop within arm's reach. I swat at his ankles as he tries to dance. He jigs for his baseball life. The ump finishes his Tetley and goes "OUT!!!" I got him. We got the third out. THE EXPOS WIN. PADRES ARE WEARING THOSE SHITTY CAMO UNIFORMS. GOD DAMMIT PADRES YOU PLAY IN SAN DIEGO, IT'S A NAVY BASE NOT AN ARMY BASE.
What does that story have to do with anything? I'll tell you: baseball is about luck, primarily. When you swing the bat, you really don't have that much control over where the ball goes. Sure, you can send it in a general direction and you can determine its volicity, but the game is so precise that it's not as much a matter of skill. That's why the really really good players are really really good, because they can make their own luck at the game.
People don't realize this, though. They get all bitchy when a player doesn't hit a grand slam all the
IT'S OFF THE WALL. FURCAL SCORES. HUDSON SCORES. MANNY TO SECOND. 4-2 DODGERS. THOSE ARE EXTENSIONS IN HIS HAIR.
time. ARoid knows what I'm talking about. This is why batting averages top out at around .350. IT'S FUCKING HARD. Most baseball players are scrubs. This segues to my next point:
Manny's at the plate. 1-1 DREADLOCKS!!
2. Most baseball players are scrubs but are elevated anyway. This is especially true about Cooperstown. Hey let's make Jim Rice a HoFer. Jim Rice. Really? You mean THIS is HoF material:
The best thing about baseball, hands down, is that it's on every day. Every fucking day, someone is scratching his balls on the bench, someone is yelling obscenities in the stands, someone is trying to argue that bunting is a good idea. People say baseball is a slow sport. They're all gay. All of them. A rainbow coalition of critics. I know the rainbow coalition concerns more than just gayness, I'm just saying they're dumb. And so are you.
How can baseball be a slow sport? It's always on! You can't say that about football. Babies need a whole week to recooperate because everyone is on roids. The roids aren't an excuse, though, because everyone was on roids in baseball too. They're on HGH now. It's different because it shrivels your balls in different ways.
I have the MLB Network. It is the model of what a sports-oriented network should be: live programming all the fucking time with live look-ins on ongoing games. So I can hear Jerry Remy on NESN calling the other team a bunch of negro-loving bastards for daring to hit the ball past PEDROYAAAUHHHHHH I LOVE THESE WICKE' HAHD DONUHTS. Even Dan Plesac being an analyst can't harsh the buzz.
What do I not like about baseball?
1. People don't realize how much of it is based on luck. Here's a story for you. It's Roslyn Little League. Bottom of the 7th (9th). We're ahead by 1. We are the Expos, the Green Team. Best team I've ever been on. I'd go to war with those guys if I could remembre their names.
Anyway, we're facing the Azure Team. I think they were the Cardinals. I'm catching. Pitcher throws. IT'S A WILD PITCH OVER MY HEAD. I jump all the way up but it's too high. Man on third's coming home. I turn around looking for the ball and there it is, bounced off the backstop right in front of me. I grab it, maintaining my momentum and spin back to the plate. Runner sees me blocking the plate. Oh fags!, he thinks. He comes to a stop within arm's reach. I swat at his ankles as he tries to dance. He jigs for his baseball life. The ump finishes his Tetley and goes "OUT!!!" I got him. We got the third out. THE EXPOS WIN. PADRES ARE WEARING THOSE SHITTY CAMO UNIFORMS. GOD DAMMIT PADRES YOU PLAY IN SAN DIEGO, IT'S A NAVY BASE NOT AN ARMY BASE.
What does that story have to do with anything? I'll tell you: baseball is about luck, primarily. When you swing the bat, you really don't have that much control over where the ball goes. Sure, you can send it in a general direction and you can determine its volicity, but the game is so precise that it's not as much a matter of skill. That's why the really really good players are really really good, because they can make their own luck at the game.
People don't realize this, though. They get all bitchy when a player doesn't hit a grand slam all the
IT'S OFF THE WALL. FURCAL SCORES. HUDSON SCORES. MANNY TO SECOND. 4-2 DODGERS. THOSE ARE EXTENSIONS IN HIS HAIR.
time. ARoid knows what I'm talking about. This is why batting averages top out at around .350. IT'S FUCKING HARD. Most baseball players are scrubs. This segues to my next point:
Manny's at the plate. 1-1 DREADLOCKS!!
2. Most baseball players are scrubs but are elevated anyway. This is especially true about Cooperstown. Hey let's make Jim Rice a HoFer. Jim Rice. Really? You mean THIS is HoF material:
.854 OPS (128 OPS+), .298 BA, 382 HR, 1451 RBI
Baseball-Reference says he's comparable to these other GIANTS of the game:
Orlando Cepeda
Chili Davis
MOISES FUCKING ALOU
ELLIS HOLY SHIT FUCKING CHRIST BURKS
Andres Gallarraga
REALLY, HOF COMMITTEE?
This is what I'm talking about. What was the rationale for voting him in? "Well gee, he was really dominant for like five years and shit." That is not GREATNESS. Mickey Mantle is great. Babe Ruth is great. Even Ted Williams is great. Jim Rice is not great. Jim Rice was very good for a couple of years. But he was mediocre in other years. THAT IS NOT GREATNESS. I'd sooner pull Babe Ruth's fat skeleton out of the ground than put Jim Rice at bat.
This shit happens in every sport nowadays, but it's rather acute in baseball. Case in point: David Eckstein, Capt. Scrappy. Never before has someone parlayed an OPS+ of 88(!) to such glory. He was a World Series MVP because he managed to run around a lot. Really, MLB? Really??
3. Roids. I hate em. It's cheating because you're not supposed to be able to be that jacked that fast. "But, but but, what's the difference!" you say (because you're gay)? Well there isn't any when you get down to it.
So then why can't a ballplayer chop off his arms and replace them with cyborg terminator arms that can hit the ball 200 mph to the next state? Maybe replace the guy's legs with a giant wheel so he can just speed around the bases? Maybe instead of playing baseball, they can just brawl to decide who gets on base?
If you think that sounds like a great fucking idea, YOU ARE FUCKING RIGHT.
YEAH, FUCK HIM UP GRAY!!!
Anyway, no, that's not the point of baseball. People want to know that the dude swinging the bat is all dude (like me, and WHAT A DUDE!), not some fake testosterone or unnatural muscle growth. It's just not fun. It's like playing TIE Fighter in invincible mode. I mean sure, it's fun parking in front of a Star Destroyer and shooting it down while it helplessly shoots at you, but after that, what are you really doing? Wasting everyone's time. It's stupid. Cheating is for people who can't have fun doing what they're doing, aka BABIES.
4. The National League. Abolish it. Now. It really is the JV league. I'm all for tradition and shit but making pitchers bat was a bad idea because pitchers don't learn how to hit. It's fucking baseball, what do you mean you don't know how to hit?
Worse yet, because these idiots can't hit, then that means that they have to bunt. Bunting is retarded. If it is ever decided that intentionally walking the likes of Ross Gload is considered a good idea, it means you're doing baseball wrong, NL. GET LOST.
But baseball rocks despite this shit because nothing is perfect, not even me. I leave .000000000001% imperfect because I like the challenge. And fuck all the haters, baseball 4ever.
In closing, I leave you with something Hitler would've been proud to see his language reduced to:
Friday, April 3, 2009
Let's go down to Koh Phi Phi!! (did I get that right? Fuck it let's keep going)
While the country gets a reprieve from its collapse, allowing just enough time to watch Obama mack Lizzy Windsor (psssst, she's actually a German!!), another controversy from the GOP's inexhaustable outrage dump is looming over us. This time, unlike phantom budgets and HE GAVE THE QUEEN WHAAAAAAAT? (an iPod), there's a modicum of substance to it. Fortunately for us, the GOP is still retarded and may not get its way here.
What am I talking about? :mccain: That guy.
That's Harry Koh, and as is the case from anyone from Massachusetts (I love ya anyway baby!!), all he can do is cause trouble and beat up blacks.
What's the big deal? Koh's cardinal sin is that he (correctly) points out that the US of A is a serial breaker of international law and thus has no business telling other countries to eat shit when they violate international law. The GOPers thus accuse him of not being sufficiently patriotic, except to the emperor of Korea or some shit.
Koh is Obama's nominee to the legal advisorship at the State department, so apparently it makes a difference what his opinion on international law is. Basically, he thinks the US should actually obey international law. The GOP, behaving like a maniacal EUIII player, thinks the US doesn't have to answer to anyone despite having a badboy of over 25 and is currently strumming along in Iraq and Afghanistan, putting down Sunni/Shiite zealots because they're too fucking lazy to just send missionaries there. COME ON YOUR WAR WEARINESS IS THROUGH THE ROOF GUYS.
I'm giving the GOP props for actually doing something not related to insulting the queen a England. Unfortunately, this is still retarded and the heat is on Obama to withdraw this dude. So far, though, signs point to him actually sticking to his gunz.
Everyone is currently obsessing over Obama's trip to UEFA-land, which is dumb-ass enough on its own. But maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Maybe we can actually get a law-and-order type snuck in while everyone is distracting by Obama throwing nickels around London or wherever they are. I think they're in London. Wait of course they're in London they met the queen in person! Ah ha ha ha ha ha. Ha. Yes.
Anyway, yeah, don't be a bitch Obama and get this guy in. Then slam dunk on Brown. DO IT.
What am I talking about? :mccain: That guy.
That's Harry Koh, and as is the case from anyone from Massachusetts (I love ya anyway baby!!), all he can do is cause trouble and beat up blacks.
What's the big deal? Koh's cardinal sin is that he (correctly) points out that the US of A is a serial breaker of international law and thus has no business telling other countries to eat shit when they violate international law. The GOPers thus accuse him of not being sufficiently patriotic, except to the emperor of Korea or some shit.
Koh is Obama's nominee to the legal advisorship at the State department, so apparently it makes a difference what his opinion on international law is. Basically, he thinks the US should actually obey international law. The GOP, behaving like a maniacal EUIII player, thinks the US doesn't have to answer to anyone despite having a badboy of over 25 and is currently strumming along in Iraq and Afghanistan, putting down Sunni/Shiite zealots because they're too fucking lazy to just send missionaries there. COME ON YOUR WAR WEARINESS IS THROUGH THE ROOF GUYS.
I'm giving the GOP props for actually doing something not related to insulting the queen a England. Unfortunately, this is still retarded and the heat is on Obama to withdraw this dude. So far, though, signs point to him actually sticking to his gunz.
Everyone is currently obsessing over Obama's trip to UEFA-land, which is dumb-ass enough on its own. But maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Maybe we can actually get a law-and-order type snuck in while everyone is distracting by Obama throwing nickels around London or wherever they are. I think they're in London. Wait of course they're in London they met the queen in person! Ah ha ha ha ha ha. Ha. Yes.
Anyway, yeah, don't be a bitch Obama and get this guy in. Then slam dunk on Brown. DO IT.
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