Boehner, do you copy? You must continue your m-mission.

On Wednesday, the GOP unveiled its budget proposal for 2009. It was a solid effort but it lacked one critical thing: any useful ideas whatsoever.

In case you've been absent from the country since 2006, the GOP has gone a bit, shall we say, nanners. Total bonkers. It'd be funny if the they weren't so serious about acting totally weird.

I've always been interested in Jungian psychology, and one of the things ol' Karl dreamed up was the idea of the collective unconscious. Basically it means that everybody shares the same thoughts deep down inside, and this shit rarely bubbles to the surface. But when it does, chances are everyone experiences it the same way. Think of it like a hive mind, except it's, shall we say, under the surface. Heheheheheheh.

Ah fuck me, I forgot I didn't use the "anthill" metaphor there. IGNORE THAT.

Anyway, if there's gonna be any credence for Jung's work, I think it can be found in the GOP. I don't know precisely when they all collectively went insane, but it has happened and now they apparently can't even bottle it up anymore.

If you need proof, look no further than the rise of Glenn Beck. Once a mere radio talk-show host, Beck landed on CNN Headline News, which is like the Atlantic League of cable television, then jumped up to the Majors in Fox News. Batting 5th in their daily lineup, Beck hosts a show that is so proposterous, so crazed that I sometimes wonder if we're just being treated to a daily psychiatry session.

Take for instance his 912 Project. Simply reading this shit doesn't quite grasp the lunacy presented on his show. If you saw the special, or clips of it, you saw a man cry on live TV about the fate of the USA. You see, by electing a socialist negro president, the US has instantly transformed itself into the Great Satan, filled with taxes and homosexuals and minorities who are VOTING.

Perhaps most disturbing about this 912 shit is his vaguely threatening "We Surround Them" theme. The "we" is the great Nixonian "silent majority," that is, a bunch of old white people who nod their heads whenever someone extols the virtues of CONSERVATIVE ECONOMICS while worrying if a negro is breaking into their Oldsmobile outside. But it's not the oldies we're afraid of. It's the Tim McVeigh crew who are still out there, as we speak, arranging fertilizer in ways that it was not really meant to be arranged.

I don't know if Beck is putting on an act or not. He's certainly more convincing than Sean Hannity, but if it's not an act, then I can very comfortably say that Glenn Beck is one bad trip away from a total psychotic break. How many other Americans are already in their psychotic snappings?

But this week's GOP budget also represents another mental illness: delusion. First of all, the "budget" wasn't even a budget, it was a packet of some flowcharts and pictures of white people looking happy because the country was saved by tax cuts. Or something. Second, it was chock full of maddening bullshit that couldn't possibly work, and anyone capable of using subtraction can figure that out.

For instance, the GOP thinks that by implementing tort reform, health care costs will be lowered so much that anyone will be able to afford it.

??????????????????

George H.Dubya. Bush referred to this as "Voodoo economics," and he was right. The GOP's strategy for the economy, which is something that more or less can be measured rather objectively, is to implement the dogma of low taxes/deregulation, stir well and voila! a healthy economy! I can imagine a church full of these guys, staring at a piggy bank, pointing at it with their fingers like Emperor Palpatine. "I COMMAND YOU TO BE FULL," they say. "I COMMAND IT. IT IS WRITTEN!!!"

I've talked to enough ordinary Republicans to be very dismayed by what is going on. Everyone seems to buy into the notion that Republicans are the last true defenders of freedom in this country, and that the Dems are all commie fag-loving abortionist Mexicans. That's not true, guys! Only Massachusetts Dems are like that!!

The only other explanation for this craziness is that someone is deliberately leading the party into oblivion. Perhaps GW broke into the GOP's talking points distribution system and began to barf its random utterances onto it. And instead of questioning the wisdom of introducing a bill that reaffirms the dollar as the nation's currency, they simply shrugged and went along with it because, by golly, the Colonel's telling us something and he's the Colonel so go do it!

I can only hope that GW tells them to "cut the power right now," or at least to "enter the track on the bridge to the right," which hopefully leads to an oncoming train. Until then, it looks like we may be stuck with just enough GOP economics to bring us to... FISSION MAILED.

Ah look, someone enjoying the benefits of Republican economics already!

America's funniest home videos

Timothy (Timmay) Geithner is unveiling another bank rescue plan tomorrow. I think this marks plan #80 billionty in the great looting of the treasury of 2008-09, now in its 20th year.

I'm not too well-versed in economic matters, but I do know bullshit when I see it. Most Americans know it's bullshit too, but they are basically unable to articulate what the exact problem is. This in itself is problematic. I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one.

If you're just tuning in, here's all you need to know: a bunch of rich guys invented new and fun ways to steal money from taxpayers, and then had politicians write bills and laws and plans and shit designed exclusively to give them even more money. Oh by the way, a huge chunk of America's wealth that was supposedly accumulated over the past decade turns out to have been a big fat illusion. Enjoy your debt slavery!

The only people who are really, really pissed about it are also the most unhelpful people in the history of the country, namely people who show up at these things. Yes, there are astroturfing ad wizards getting people to show up at bodies of water and throwing teabags into them to protest Obama spending money on shit. Teabagging (unironically, ironically enough) against spending while money is vanishing from their own pockets.

Sometimes this country reminds me of "America's Funniest Home Videos," or as it's obnoxiously known as today, "AFV" (more like "AFG" eh, ehhhh? ehhhhhhh? think about it).

You see, it's FAG, but it's like... okay fuck it.

Anyway, I haven't watched the show in years because I'm not a shitlord. But when I visit my grandma, by the time we leave, this show is inevitably on because it's the kind of pablum that anyone can watch and just slowly die to. I only recently found out that Tom Bergeron is hosting it. Tom Bergeron, remember him? Actually, I only remember him hosting the aborted revival of "Hollywood Squares." Why is this relevant? Because it's not. And that's the fucking point.

The American public is like watching this show. You want to change the channel, and sometimes you do. But sometimes you just sit back and watch the slow horror of knowing that people actually pay lots of money to produce this show, and Tom Bergeron has to pretend so hard that he's actually enjoying what he's doing, that it frightens you. It frightens you to the bone. It's like watching a friend getting the shit kicked out of him and you're superglued to the sofa because you didn't read the glue instructions. You idiot, glue is for eating, not for putting on the couch!!

That inevitably leads to the realization that there are only two people in the country who have not yet been completely eaten by the powers that be: the people stuck watching AFV, and the morons sending shit in to be put on AFV. One group is rendered helpless by the sheer banality and depravity of it all, the other is actively stoking the apathy for fleeting glory and cash prizes.

This is what happens when nothing else is on at 7 p.m. on Sunday night.










Yeah so what if this entry sucked, it's Sunday night what do you want? You know what? Take your kids getting hit in the balls and GET OUT. OF MY LIFE.

















































DAD.

You clever little shits

The best websites are the squatters. Go to www.hufingtonpost.com and what do you get? A motherfucking box company.

Go check it out. I'll wait.

(36 hours later)

Yeah, see? Did you check that shit out? Who's responsible for deciding that www.hufingtonpost.com would be the best address for a site for FUCKING BOXES? Eh? Ehhh?

I love squatters of every kind. Thank you Internet for providing yet another version for us to hail.

Point-COUNTERPOINT: Daylight Savings Tyme

If you live in the Eastern Time Zone, the only time zone of merit, then you've just gone through the Spring version of DST. Yes, that magic hour that fucks everyone's analog clocks up has graced us once more like Christmas.

But is it really that good a holiday? I think it's time we have an argument between the only people who are worthy of this argument: me and someone dressed like me.

POINT: Daylight Savings Time sucks and is communist

Are you a communist? Do you yearn for the days of living in a Soviet farming grain and hating Elvis? Then Daylight Savings Time is for you. For the rest of us freedom-loving commies in Merica, DST is evil and dangerous.

DST is a time shift, and nothing is more disorienting than shifting time. Except maybe dropping acid, that could actually be more disorienting. Actually it was. This one time I had an entire ream of those acid droplet paper things and in five minutes I thought I was on the moon itself, and I ran around town screaming "DON'T MAKE ME JUMP I DON'T WANNA FLOAT AWAY!" That was my finest hour.

But aside from that, confusing people is bad and wrong. How'd you like it if you were driving to, say, Tewksbury MA to see your LOVEMACHINE, expecting to be there at 3 am. The clock hits 1 am and all of a sudden it becomes 2 am. What the hell? Have you actually travelled an hour in less than a second? Or has Boston horrifically come closer to New York? It would be impossible to tell.

Messing with time is always dangerous, anyway. As "Back to the Future" and the "Babar" series has taught us, fucking with time can be deadly, causing paradoxes and making Biff rich and causing the 80s to be revered and having talking elephants. TALKING ELEPHANTS PEOPLE. Do you really want that?

Worst of all, DST is not fair to the American industrial worker. When DST was invented, it was designed to help farmers get more sunlight or some shit. Not only were farmers hogging up all the sunlight for their "crops," they were also forcing Americans to become more agrarian. Well fuck that. I'm not working on some goddamn field all day with cow shit and people chewing on straws, are you nuts? No, I'm clinging to my soulless industrial wasteland and your shitty time manipulation can't stop me!

Drop DST before it drops you. Word.

COUNTERPOINT: Daylight Savings Time is awesome, you're a jerk and that's why nobody liked you in high school

Everyone wants to shit on Daylight Savings Time, but they're all probably queers anyway. The real news is that DST rocks because it gives us more of the one thing we all need: the sun.

Yes, without DST, the sun would vanish from the skies an hour earlier. That's a whole additional hour of darkness causing more traffic accidents and raccoon sightings and werewolves, or something. But more sunlight = more safety = more women for me.

And calling DST communist is retarded. Ben Franklin is not a communist, he's a Marxist-Leninist THERE'S A DIFFERENCE OKAY? He invented it because he's smart. He also invented lightning, the stove, the turkey and MERICA itself. And you wanna line up against him? Your funeral.

Without DST, the world would be shrouded more in darkness. Wait, shit, I already covered that point hold on (shuffles through notecards).

Ah yes. Ben Franklin was so powerful, he devised a way to alter time itself. If you found out you can alter the flow of time, wouldn't you want to create not one but two holidays around it? We should really call DST Ben Franklin's Some Kind of Fucking God Savings Time, or something. The point is that without DST, we wouldn't be able to time travel.

This past weekend, I was able to use DST to catapult myself into the future a la Pete & Pete. I started in LA and got a head of steam going eastward. By the time I hit Dayton I was already 30 hours into the future. That's when I hit the launch button and flung myself 25 years into the futre. Let me tell you, DARLIN, our kids look cool and are smart but one of them is dating a black. Sorry I guess your LIBRULNESS backfires on us or something.

So as I sit here posting from the future using an amazing invention called a "computer" (it's powered by another invention, the "cure for AIDS" (it's Elmer's glue)), talking about how awesome the world still is because of DST. Now if the world hasn't been destroyed in the 300 years since DST has been around, can it be bad? No. Now who's the dumbass?

Best of all, if I get bored of the future I can just wait until October and reverse the process. In fact, that's what I'm gonna do. I want to see what the world's like in 1978. So yeah, another reason you should stick with me because we can actually travel back to watch the Pyramids GETTIN BUILT. Can any other tourist trap beat that? I THINK NOT.

That was a pretty savage beatdown of POINT, I dunno if his anus will ever recover.

Well that was pretty cool folks. And now for the result. The winner is: The Cardinals!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Michael Steele is hip-hop

In search of a new Moses, the GOP has selected Michael Steele as its party chairman. Steele promptly promised to turn the party into something a little fresher, a little more "hip-hop," with "blang" and "thangs" and "drank" and "lots of dead niggaz."

While the GOP has recently supplied an abundance of the last part, the other parts have been sorely lacking. But at last we have a GOP party head who is capable of speaking to urban audiences, and at last we have a GOP party head who is capable of listening to Southern rap and feel anything other than sheer oprobrium.

But if Steele is to remake the GOP into a hip-hop aparatus, he's going to need to enlist the finest minds in the industry to achieve that. But who amongst the hip-hop world is willing to work with Steele? Below are the five most Republican hip-hop artists and groups that Steele can recruit to persue this noble goal.

5. Dr. Dre - Dr. Dre, Ph.D is a rare find, an educated man who appreciates both business and firearms. Dr. Dre's background in California also makes him a California Republican, even rarer still.

While it is true that Dr. Dre has fostered some anti-social tendencies, particularly anti-authoritarianism, his love of weaponry should endear him to the Libertarian wing of the GOP. Imagine the one-two punch of Wayne La Pierre and Dr. Dre, extolling the beauty of piecing together an assault rifle to an audience of thousands of young Republicans. If you can, then you are capable of seeing directly into Wayne's very worst nightmares and are probably a psychic not unlike that bitch on that NBC show.

4. Jermaine Dupri - Mr. Dupri, more a producer than an artist, is known mainly for one awesome ditty: "Money Ain't a Thang" (feat. Jay-Z, another Republican). Mr. Dupri extolls a purely pro-business point of view as articulated in his "Thang" opus, and his business savvy is just what the GOP needs to address the dying economy.

Nothing extolls the GOP's stance on fiscal policy than "Money Ain't a Thang." Whether it's cutting interest rates or deficit spending with abandon, Mr. Dupri is able to tap into the very heart of Republican economics of simply throwing money away in vainglorious shows of wealth. Who doesn't sympathize with the desire to "[switch] four lanes" in either a Ferrari or Mercedes-Benz? It's the same exact attitude the GOP brings to economics, this time put in a message that the average man can see.

Another point that Mr. Dupri addresses is our health care system, or utter lack of. While most Americans consider the idea of not being able to afford treatment for life-saving procedures or medicine, Mr. Dupri lets us understand that that's nothing to worry about! Observe:

My cake thick, I live the life
Eatin' crab, watching bitches shake shit all night
In these two simple lines, Mr. Dupri clues us in on the GOP's version of health care: ineffective exercise and food laced with chemicals and mercury. See, instead of fretting about cancer screenings or surgery, just stay in shape by taking pilates and eat whatever the fuck you want, it don't matter! Why make earnest attempts at staying healthy when you're too expensive to keep alive, anyway?


3. Sean "Puff Diddy" Combs - Whether it's bringing back the bowtie or making everyone feel sorry for rich people, D. Combs is a breath of fresh air for the party and shows the "human side" of being blithely rich.

While Mr. Dupri was able to cover the technical side of being rich, Daddy lets Americans know that hey, we're people too. We have the same hopes, fears and problems. In fact, in a wise paean to the working man, Dombs tells us that "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems." You should be lucky to be poor!

Observe:

Yeah yeah, ahaha, from the d-to-the-a-to-the-d-d-y
Know youd rather see me die than to see me fly
Not only is his song educational to the youngest of the young Republicans, it also correctly spells out the dilemma of being rich in today's hard world. When you have money, everyone wants to tear you down, be it through gunfire or through "paying your fair share" through taxes and "laws."

The point of being a rich man is to be able to do what you want, such as "ballin." Furthermore, Mr. Cuff is realistic about the issues surrounding wealth, namely:

Cause it aint enough time here, aint enough lime here
For you to shine here, deal with many women
But treat dimes fair, and im
Bigger than the city lights down in times square
Yeah, yeah yeah
It's true, not everyone can be as successful as Mr. Did, so complaining about it will get you nowhere. Besides, most people just aren't equipped to handle the problems of being rich, like having to settle for a 40-yard yacht instead of a 50-yarder, or having to delay the patent-leather upholstery for your Lear jet. Today, I'm thankful that all I have to worry about is gainful employment and eating. Thank you for helping me realize this, Mr. Dord!

2. Ma$e - Ma$e (I am contractually obliged to spell it like this, sorry) left the hip-hop world too soon, but his story fits right in with the GOP ethic. Ma$e began his career as a rich man's rapper, singing the praises of luxury cars and is one of the people who brought "bling" to the mainstream.

However, somewhere along the way, Ma$e became disillusioned with the rap world and decided to become a preacher, following in the steps of M.C. Hammer and Jim Jones. But in doing so, he has married the two most-important aspects of Republicanism together: vapid Christianity and insane wealth!

Since his last major foray into music in 1999, Ma$e has cleaned up his image, including releasing an album in 2004 that was pretty unremarkable in terms of violence and sex and shit. He still was willing to show off his wealth, however, which is what we expect from our pastors, because nothing says emulating Jesus like walking around in a three-piece suit on a stage that cost at least $20 million to construct.

What Americans need right now, more than ever, is rich people conflating wealth with religious achievement, a la Joel Osteen. This will encourage Americans to work harder, since if they reason that they are poor because God hates them, they must work extra hard to achieve salvation. Boom! Instant stimulus! And Ma$e can convey this with cheery, condescending lyrics that will get people moving! If Steele wants to recover the very soul (pardon the pun) of the GOP, he can do no better than with Ma$e.



1. Cash Money Millionaires - The quintessential Republican group, there is nothing about Cash Money that is NOT appealing to the GOP (aside from skin color).

Cash Money is a New Orleans outfit, but don't let their location fool you. They could just as easily fit in at a Nebraska rodeo or a Connecticut brunch. Juvenile, the leader of the bunch, perfectly captures the essence of every GOP plank. Take "Back That Azz Up":

Girl, you looks good, won't you back that azz up
You'se a fine motherfucker, won't you back that azz up
Call me Big Daddy when you back that azz up
Hoe, who is you playin wit? Back that azz up
We see here a plea for our young women to, despite their good lucks, to "back that azz up," i.e. step away because Juvenile is happily married. Or maybe not. Either way, this song is about abstinence, with the added pitch ("Call me Big Daddy") to women to respect their fathers.

Here's a cut from "U Understand":

Look them people ridin' I'm gonna hide (ya understand)
I'ma wait until them bitches slow down (ya understand)
Cuz I ain't tryin' to be jail bound (ya understand)
Juvenile knows that being a responsible citizen means respecting the rules of the road. After all, why scuff your Lexus? It's just irresponsible!

Shit, I got that fire
I got that fire
Girl, holla at a nigga if you want that oscar meyer
Juvenile is anti gay marriage as we can see here. He also is quite charitable, handing food out to the needy, but just enough to keep them alive and not enough to actually help them or something.

So wonderfully does Cash Money capture the GOP spirit that the party's entire manifesto can be replaced with "We On Fire". Observe Juvenile:

Whoaty...what kinda nigga you hear about but dont see?
What kinda nigga go to war like the middle east?
Clearly an ode to our military and its mission in Iraq.

Cash Money compatriot Turk has this to say (rap):

Now...what kinda niggas tote chops and ride hot?
Hunting niggas down up and down they fucking block
With guys like these, the GOP can't do wrong with hunters. They're so adept, they're able to go hunting in a suburban neighborhood. That takes skill, people!

And Turk takes us home with the perfect summation of everyone involved in the GOP leadership:

Now, now...what kinda niggas be famous living rich?
Tossing hoes having bitches sucking his dick?
Michael Steele has a daunting task ahead of him, but with talent like this, it can be done. All he has to do is tap into the spirit of hip-hop and remake the GOP into a vibrant, hilariously lyricked group dominating the airwaves and the charts.

YA HEARD?