America's funniest home videos

Timothy (Timmay) Geithner is unveiling another bank rescue plan tomorrow. I think this marks plan #80 billionty in the great looting of the treasury of 2008-09, now in its 20th year.

I'm not too well-versed in economic matters, but I do know bullshit when I see it. Most Americans know it's bullshit too, but they are basically unable to articulate what the exact problem is. This in itself is problematic. I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one.

If you're just tuning in, here's all you need to know: a bunch of rich guys invented new and fun ways to steal money from taxpayers, and then had politicians write bills and laws and plans and shit designed exclusively to give them even more money. Oh by the way, a huge chunk of America's wealth that was supposedly accumulated over the past decade turns out to have been a big fat illusion. Enjoy your debt slavery!

The only people who are really, really pissed about it are also the most unhelpful people in the history of the country, namely people who show up at these things. Yes, there are astroturfing ad wizards getting people to show up at bodies of water and throwing teabags into them to protest Obama spending money on shit. Teabagging (unironically, ironically enough) against spending while money is vanishing from their own pockets.

Sometimes this country reminds me of "America's Funniest Home Videos," or as it's obnoxiously known as today, "AFV" (more like "AFG" eh, ehhhh? ehhhhhhh? think about it).

You see, it's FAG, but it's like... okay fuck it.

Anyway, I haven't watched the show in years because I'm not a shitlord. But when I visit my grandma, by the time we leave, this show is inevitably on because it's the kind of pablum that anyone can watch and just slowly die to. I only recently found out that Tom Bergeron is hosting it. Tom Bergeron, remember him? Actually, I only remember him hosting the aborted revival of "Hollywood Squares." Why is this relevant? Because it's not. And that's the fucking point.

The American public is like watching this show. You want to change the channel, and sometimes you do. But sometimes you just sit back and watch the slow horror of knowing that people actually pay lots of money to produce this show, and Tom Bergeron has to pretend so hard that he's actually enjoying what he's doing, that it frightens you. It frightens you to the bone. It's like watching a friend getting the shit kicked out of him and you're superglued to the sofa because you didn't read the glue instructions. You idiot, glue is for eating, not for putting on the couch!!

That inevitably leads to the realization that there are only two people in the country who have not yet been completely eaten by the powers that be: the people stuck watching AFV, and the morons sending shit in to be put on AFV. One group is rendered helpless by the sheer banality and depravity of it all, the other is actively stoking the apathy for fleeting glory and cash prizes.

This is what happens when nothing else is on at 7 p.m. on Sunday night.










Yeah so what if this entry sucked, it's Sunday night what do you want? You know what? Take your kids getting hit in the balls and GET OUT. OF MY LIFE.

















































DAD.