Point-COUNTERPOINT: Daylight Savings Tyme

If you live in the Eastern Time Zone, the only time zone of merit, then you've just gone through the Spring version of DST. Yes, that magic hour that fucks everyone's analog clocks up has graced us once more like Christmas.

But is it really that good a holiday? I think it's time we have an argument between the only people who are worthy of this argument: me and someone dressed like me.

POINT: Daylight Savings Time sucks and is communist

Are you a communist? Do you yearn for the days of living in a Soviet farming grain and hating Elvis? Then Daylight Savings Time is for you. For the rest of us freedom-loving commies in Merica, DST is evil and dangerous.

DST is a time shift, and nothing is more disorienting than shifting time. Except maybe dropping acid, that could actually be more disorienting. Actually it was. This one time I had an entire ream of those acid droplet paper things and in five minutes I thought I was on the moon itself, and I ran around town screaming "DON'T MAKE ME JUMP I DON'T WANNA FLOAT AWAY!" That was my finest hour.

But aside from that, confusing people is bad and wrong. How'd you like it if you were driving to, say, Tewksbury MA to see your LOVEMACHINE, expecting to be there at 3 am. The clock hits 1 am and all of a sudden it becomes 2 am. What the hell? Have you actually travelled an hour in less than a second? Or has Boston horrifically come closer to New York? It would be impossible to tell.

Messing with time is always dangerous, anyway. As "Back to the Future" and the "Babar" series has taught us, fucking with time can be deadly, causing paradoxes and making Biff rich and causing the 80s to be revered and having talking elephants. TALKING ELEPHANTS PEOPLE. Do you really want that?

Worst of all, DST is not fair to the American industrial worker. When DST was invented, it was designed to help farmers get more sunlight or some shit. Not only were farmers hogging up all the sunlight for their "crops," they were also forcing Americans to become more agrarian. Well fuck that. I'm not working on some goddamn field all day with cow shit and people chewing on straws, are you nuts? No, I'm clinging to my soulless industrial wasteland and your shitty time manipulation can't stop me!

Drop DST before it drops you. Word.

COUNTERPOINT: Daylight Savings Time is awesome, you're a jerk and that's why nobody liked you in high school

Everyone wants to shit on Daylight Savings Time, but they're all probably queers anyway. The real news is that DST rocks because it gives us more of the one thing we all need: the sun.

Yes, without DST, the sun would vanish from the skies an hour earlier. That's a whole additional hour of darkness causing more traffic accidents and raccoon sightings and werewolves, or something. But more sunlight = more safety = more women for me.

And calling DST communist is retarded. Ben Franklin is not a communist, he's a Marxist-Leninist THERE'S A DIFFERENCE OKAY? He invented it because he's smart. He also invented lightning, the stove, the turkey and MERICA itself. And you wanna line up against him? Your funeral.

Without DST, the world would be shrouded more in darkness. Wait, shit, I already covered that point hold on (shuffles through notecards).

Ah yes. Ben Franklin was so powerful, he devised a way to alter time itself. If you found out you can alter the flow of time, wouldn't you want to create not one but two holidays around it? We should really call DST Ben Franklin's Some Kind of Fucking God Savings Time, or something. The point is that without DST, we wouldn't be able to time travel.

This past weekend, I was able to use DST to catapult myself into the future a la Pete & Pete. I started in LA and got a head of steam going eastward. By the time I hit Dayton I was already 30 hours into the future. That's when I hit the launch button and flung myself 25 years into the futre. Let me tell you, DARLIN, our kids look cool and are smart but one of them is dating a black. Sorry I guess your LIBRULNESS backfires on us or something.

So as I sit here posting from the future using an amazing invention called a "computer" (it's powered by another invention, the "cure for AIDS" (it's Elmer's glue)), talking about how awesome the world still is because of DST. Now if the world hasn't been destroyed in the 300 years since DST has been around, can it be bad? No. Now who's the dumbass?

Best of all, if I get bored of the future I can just wait until October and reverse the process. In fact, that's what I'm gonna do. I want to see what the world's like in 1978. So yeah, another reason you should stick with me because we can actually travel back to watch the Pyramids GETTIN BUILT. Can any other tourist trap beat that? I THINK NOT.

That was a pretty savage beatdown of POINT, I dunno if his anus will ever recover.

Well that was pretty cool folks. And now for the result. The winner is: The Cardinals!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO