When will the United States break up into states????

Someone asked me the other day. Well, not me, but I imagine it was directed at me because I am SMAT.

You might be wondering why someone might ask such a question. And I shall answer. You, not him. I'll answe him in a second. But for you, the answer is: Ever since January, certain segments of white America have developed a fear of the black dude being in office. Apparently this was their worst nightmare, and now that it has come true, it's time to talk secession. Serious talk. Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX) of Texas (R-TX) let it slide that secession is not out of order for the Texan.

So just like a black dude moving into a white neighborhood, now all the white people want to go off and do their own thing. What if it happens on a national scale, though? Fortunately, I am here to provide you a guide just in case the worst (best?) happens.

NEW ENGLAND

Government Type: Noble Republic

National Motto: "Yankees suck!"

State Bird: The cod

National Anthem: Yankees Suck

Probable Ruler: Jason Varitek

New England was one of the first English settlements in the New World. It has been downhill ever since. You couldn't expect much from Puritans, anyway.

The history of New England is rich and vibrant up until around 1780, and then it kinda turns into "meh." The American Revolution pretty much started there and Boston Harbo(ur) was the site of the original tea party. Subsequent attempts to repeat the tea party have been funnier but much less effective, so we can thank New England for that.

When the Revolution kicked into full gear, though, New England kinda went quiet. I guess they were all loyalists to the crown after all, or perhaps were placated with a shitload of crabs or something. They've spent the rest of American history kinda at the peripherals, having a race riot here and there, having a Kennedy here and there, and contributing lots of sap and drunk people.

Secession is not new to New England, though. Around the time of the War of 1812 (circa 1812), some butthurt New Englanders from Hartford (naturally) wanted to petition government to do something retarded. In the first documented use of "lol, no" in history, they were rebuffed and sent home in a tub, according to one depiction. It turns out to have been a true depiction because goddammit it's the funniest!!

New England has returned to the fore recently by having a bunch of states legalize gay marriages, once again pissing off large segments of the country, but this time for non-gay (ironically) reasons. It's inevitable, then, that New England will secede to protect its gays and its fishing rights and the few remaining Kennedys, lest New York eat them all.

MANHATTAN COMMUNE

Government Type: Anarchist Commune


National Motto: "What do you mean the A line is closed??"


State Bird: The middle finger

National Anthem: The Sound of Roadwork

Probable Ruler: A collective of 25 Democratic homeless guys and Michael Bloomberg

New York has a pretty vibrant history that precisely zero people outside of the greater city limits gives a shit about. It was first colonized by the Dutch. When the English realized that the Dutch knew what they were doing, they seized it, and it has been inhabited by assholes and paranoid people ever since.

In the Revolution, New York got off to a bangin' start, with Washington and his crew trying to do drivebys against the British. There even was a battle in White Plains, in which the loser had to occupy them. After Washington lost a bunch of times, he fled to New Jersey. That about says as much as you need to know about how well New York fared in the war.

New York city spent the rest of the war harboring prisoners, another thing unchanged up until now.

Although the city has remained America's largest and most important cities (sorry Fresno, you're still No. 1 in my heart!!), not a great deal of things of historical significance have happened to it. Sure, some people tried to blow it up a bunch of times, it has the greatest sports franchise in all of sportsdom in it, and it has steam pipes that explode on a regular basis, but really, can you write a decent history textbook about that? Probably not.

When the secession time comes, New York city will serve as the capital of a rather dreary country. By necessity, New Jersey will have to be annexed to serve as a natural buffer state. An entire swamp of toxic waste should be sufficient to keep out Appalachia. As for the north, upstate NY will also have to be annexed. Miles and miles of boring, empty countryside should be sufficient to keep Vermonters and Canadians at bay.

However, that still leaves the Connecticuters, who are basically mutant New Yorkers. New England will have to deal with them for the most part, but CTers could pose a serious threat if they continue to fester to the north.

Long Island would also have to be annexed and converted into a penal colony, perhaps for rogue CTers and New Jerseyites. I'll leave it to you to imagine what terrible things will dwell on the Island after a few generations of those get together.

MIDWESTLANDS


Government Type: Absolute Monarchy


National Motto: "FIRE MILLEN!" (now and forever)


State Bird: The canary

National Anthem: Have You Driven a Ford Lately? looped over four minutes

Probable Ruler: The corpse of the last steelworker propped up a la "Weekend at Bernies"

From Pennsylvania til the outer reaches of Wisconsin, and down through Appalachia, Midwestlands represents a vast, mysterious colony of Americandom.

At the time of the Revolution, this land was inhabited by nobody. Oh wait, it was inhabited by Indians but, yeah. It was also supposedly inhabited by French people but come the fuck on. As America marched westward, squashing everything in its way, the Midwest turned into a breadbasket, and when that got too boring, a huge place of industry. Cities like Detroit, Chicago and Louisville sprung up to either build shit or provide shit to build said shit with (it was mostly shit, though). This turned out to be pretty cool for a few centuries.

The Midwest lived through the Civil War, becoming an area of battle and bloodshed and carpetbaggers fighting and stuff. Then the Depression came and turned half of it into a wasteland. But after WWII, the Midwest sprung back to life with industry, and cities like Cleveland actually mattered. Funny, eh?

The Midwest became historically notable for being the sight of some rebelliousness, as blacks frequently rioted against shit conditions, particularly in Detroit, which was very understandable. Also someone set the Cleveland river on fire once, officially marking it as cooler than London, England. Chicago also burned down once thanks to a cow. Cows have been outlawed ever since.

But ever since that fire, it's been downhill (or should I say, down mountain? Haha no actually most of the Midwest is flat. EAT THAT). Industry began to dry up, either being annihilated by bad market conditions or moving to lower-cost pastures. Today, the situation is so dire that, well, actually it doesn't really look that much different than when it was prosperous.

As the Midwest begins to crumble, there will be a mass migration to the only area that has econmic activity left: the Appalachians, where coal is king. And boxite is the queen. Talc is the jack, surprisingly.

By retreating into the mountains, Midwesterners will naturally turn into dwarves and gnomes, rebuilding themselves into a kingdom of IRON. Well, coal mainly. But you can still build shit out of coal, right? It's like a rock. Just pile that shit up and voila! An outhouse!

Eventually, the surface will be totally abandoned, although shrewd Midwarves will charge people (like me) to urbex that shit. Perhaps Disney will buy up Cincinnati and turn it into one giant Haunted Mansion. Disney, if you're reading this, hire me. It'll be fucking DAP.

It's unknown if the Dwarven Kingdom of Midwestia will ever return to prominence. Eventually they may develop a weakness to light a la the trolls from "David the Gnome." When that happens, the kingdom may come to a tragic end when they mistakenly surface during a solar eclipse and are caught out in the light, wiped out en toto. No, not that toto you dimwit, it's Latin. No, Toto was Latin, I mean "en toto." God.

TEXAN

Government Type: Corporate Kleptocarcy

National Motto: "Run for the border!"

State Bird: A Predator drone

National Anthem: White Faces

Probable Ruler: Branch manager of a Taco Bell

When it comes to seceding, nobody does it like Texas. Although the CSA gets the glory for seceding, Texas paved the way. Without Texas, Dixie would have pussied out and then we wouldn't have had "Glory," and thus Denzel Washington's career would not have taken off. Then what would Tyler Perry have had his black grandmothers stereotypically lust after? Wesley Snipes? I don't fuckin think so.

Texas was originally a land filled with dinosaurs and other exotic creatures. And then a comet landed and everyone died. Then Mexicans appeared, but the place was too shitty to settle on their own, so they invited white Yanks to settle it for them. This would mark the first time that American tourists would fuck a place up.

Predictably, this setup wasn't gonna work for the long run, mainly because the white settlers wanted to bring slaves in and the Mexicans were against that. So the Texans heroically rebelled and formed their own gay little nation. And then they became Americans. And that's why we have the Dallas Cowboys, Susie!

Texas would again (sorta) secede, along with the rest of the south, in the Civil War. But Texas wasn't too active during the war, mainly because it was still a sparsely populated shithole. After the war, Texas became notorious for being a cowboy yipee-kay-yay motherfucker warzone, but that shit happened more in Arizona and New Mexico. So in reality, Texas is more boring than it seems.

Nowadays, Texas is known for cattle, football, baseball and attacking Mexicans, although only cattle really stands out as distinctly Texan. When the time comes to secede again, Texas (along with Oklahoma, because who else would take in Oklahoma?) would most likely hunker down and go into full David Koresh mode. Except this time the ATF won't win! Because there won't be an ATF! Hooray for fucking default wins!

The future of Texas will remain a mystery after that. Texas Tea has long since ran out, and it's doubtful that Texas would be able to maintain its military bases without support from the rest of the non-existant country. Would they turn to Mexico for help? Would we come full circle, and return Texas to the Mexicans, and then in turn to the dinosaur people, asleep in Aztec temples, waiting for Quetzecoatl to liberate them from their slumber? I hope so because I want to visit Jurassic Park right now. RIGHT NOW.

DIXIE

Government Type: Fundamentalist Theocracy

National Motto: "No, it clearly says here that Jesus hates fags AND Haitians."

State Bird: old Jewish New York expat launched out of cannon

National Anthem: LOL Smiley Face

Probable Ruler: Computerized face of Pat Robertson a la "TRON"

When the Confederates first broke away, they made the terrible mistake of wearing gray on their uniforms, thus making them stand out against the blue Union uniforms. What they should have done was either a) dress up in blue uniforms, thus confusing the Union and possibly making the Yanks shoot at each other, or b) dress up as monsters and try to scare everyone.

But that's neither here nor there. Dixie wrote the textbook on how to secede (and win people (and get curbstomped)), but there was a slight problem: they seceded against an entire industrialized country that was primed to drag them back into the Union. This time they won't face such an adversary.

In an ironic twist, whereas the industry of the country was focused on the north and west, now a good deal of remaining industry is in the south. Problem: a lot of that industry is foreign. Toyota owns a large chunk of that manufacturing, for instance. Would Dixie dare nationalize those factories to retool them into Hummer and Giant RoboJesus production plants? Or does the fear of samurai assault keep them at bay?

The only real problem that Dixie will face for sure is its emancipated black citizens. As always, blacks outnumber whites, and this time they're OUT. FOR. BLOOD. Would white Dixians attempt to reslave the blacks? We don't know. And that's why I'm paid the big bucks to be an anthropologist!

DESERET

Government Type: ???

National Motto: ???

State Bird: the bee

National Anthem: ???

Probable Ruler: Glenn Beck

Deseret has already existed once. When Brigham Young and co. were kicked out of Ohio (back then this was actually considered a bad thing), they headed west until they finally found people who wouldn't kick them out: nobody in particular. They finally settled on a giant fucking salt lake called Salt Lake City, though it wasn't called Salt Lake City at the time. It was called "a giant fucking salt lake, oh whoops, sorry Jesus!".

Well anyway, the Mormons named their new kingdom Deseret. Why? I dunno, I guess because it was near a goddamn desert? Something like that. Anyway, this new land was supposed to be independent and shit. The problem was the United States already claimed that land and weren't about to let Mitt Romney build a temple on it or whatever he wanted to do. This led to an almost war between the Mormons and the States, but the Mormons backed down in exchange for a middling basketball team.

Ever since then, Deseret (commonly known as Utah to you and mean) has been basically the only functioning Mormon stronghold on the planet. As the epicenter of Mormonism, much of the land is shrouded in mystery, almost as obfuscated as the Vatican or Angkor Wat, or the Forbidden City, or Scientologia, or K-Mart. What on earth is in K-Mart's furniture section? The mind ponders...

It's easy to say that Deseret will be impenetrable. It's surrounded by desert and salt, so the plan to sneak in via Trojan Slugs will ultimately fail. Also the flag has a giant beehive in it, and if it's one thing most people are scared of, it's FUCKING BEES. Are the Mormons growing giant anti-Mormon African Killer Bees? No, because according to Joe Smith, Africans are of the devil. It's true look it up. No, it's not true that Africans are of the devil, it's true that Joe Smith says that. What? How the fuck should I know, the dude would shout out the book of Mormon into a goddamned hat.

CALIFORNIA (KNOWS HOW TO PARTY)

Government Type: Thugocracy

National Motto: "For English, dial 1. Para Espagnol, oprima dos."

State Bird: the Anaheim Angels of Anaheim, California, Los Angeles county

National Anthem: see nation's name

Probable Ruler: A child molester dressed as Pluto (but now we are redundant)

California is the land of dreams, gang warfare and the constant specter of total annihilation via the earth literally flicking southern California off its back like an agitated dog. It also as a goofy looking bear on its flag, so it was pretty much destined to be a Disney hotspot since its conception.

Like Texas, California too knows the sweet, sweet can, erm, glory of secession. The "Bear Flag Republic," as it was called because California was infested with both bears and flags at the time, seceded from Mexico in favor of glorious annexation from the States. California also took Nevada, California, Arizona and New Mexico with it. But not Hawaii. That would come later.

Unlike Texas, though, when the Civil War appeared, California stayed put because it was on the other side of the country and it had its own shit to take care of (like, nothing). But after the war was over, California exploded due to the presence of Chinese workers with nothing to do and gold prospectors with also nothing to do.

When gold was found, though, then pushy American tourists appeared and started settling towns in the middle of the desert. California's economy kicked into gear as railroads came up and blah blah blah you should've learned this shit in high school. Oh that's right you fell asleep. I bet you never thought that that D on that history test would come back to haunt you, eh? EH?

But then the gold went away, only to be replaced by something even more worthless: Hollywood. California also built up high-tech industry and expensive houses and really, really prickish rich people, and its economy was based on the health of all of those things. A century later, and the only things remaining in California are Hollywood and prickish (but not as rich) people. Also forest fires. But you can't exact tax money from forest fires because they are all poor and lazy bums and GET A JOB YOU FIRES.

How would California (and associated territories) fare in the new North America? Outlook not so good. Hmm, that sucked, let's try again. :shakes: Ask again later. Ask again later? How much later? :waits 30 hours: Okay, one last time. :shakes: No.

Well there you have it. The Magic 8-Ball has deemed California as being a wasteland, though it's easy to see why. In terms of natural resources, the only thing California has in abundance is gaudy sports teams and abandoned houses. It gets worse when you go outside of Cali proper. Nevada has gambling, but that's it. Colorado has pot, but not as good as in the Northwest (or so I hear). Arizona has sand. New Mexico has... what the hell does New Mexico have? Cacti? Who knows??

On the flipside, this apparent lack of anything worthwhile may insulate California was invasion, as long as they can keep Disneyland a secret. Actually that may not even be necessary, as Disneyworld is so much better than Disneyland, most invaders would probably just pass it by. So score one for the Californians!


CASCADIA

Government Type: Drum Circle

National Motto: "(a long, drawn-out sigh)"

State Bird: an owl or something

National Anthem: Anything by COBAIN!!!

Probable Ruler: Most likely, that same owl

The Pacific Northwest once was nearly a casus belli between the US and Britain. Yes, hard to believe, but remember that whole 54-40 or Fight nonsense way back when? No? It was only like 160 years ago, man. That shit was a big deal back then. Okay I'm done trying to make that sound hella interesting.

In the ensuing compromise, the United States got everything south of Vancouver. In retrospect, that didn't work out so well for us because Vancouver is the world capital for "cheap movie sets that absolutely need to look vaguely like a big city." On the plus side, Vancouver Island is actually pretty boring.

After that brief bout of glory, Cascadia has been quiet ever since then, until the 90s, when grunge music emerged like an unexpected burp that brings up some vomit with it.

The United States survived the grunge onslaught, and the Cascadians retreated to their dens to write more chords. Also the SuperSonics did something, and the Trailblazers drafted Sam Bowie, and the Seahawks got RIPPED OFF. The end.

In terms of resources, Cascadia has a shitload of fish and trees (and trees, if you know what I mean, and I think you do :tries to wink, fails:. It also has rain. Rain rain rain. Rain rain. But that's just about it.

How would Cascadia do post-secession? It'd probably do pretty well, actually. It's protected against Canadians by virtue of British Columbia being terminally boring. If they ever were attacked, they could retreat to the trees and launch devastating aerial attacks against anyone foolish enough to think that Tacoma actually was worth visiting. The only problem they'd face is Californians fleeing from the Big One or another forest fire or the riots spawned by the Clippers winning a championship. But when it comes to hordes of Californians stampeding into your state like surly lemmings, nobody really knows what to do.

WHOCARESISTAN

Government Type: Mehocracy

National Motto: "Hello? Is anyone out there? (echoes four times)"

State Bird: an empty birdcage

National Anthem: Four Minutes of Dead Air

Probable Ruler: Who cares?

The rest of the country would inevitably be left to fend for itself, as the members of Whocaresistan know well enough. Whocaresistan has had a very vibrant history of being completely unnotable. Even Cascadia had more shit going for it than the states of Wisconsin, Minnesota, Idaho, Montana, the Dakotas and Wyoming. If you want to be generous and give them Kansas, well okay. But then all they have is Bleeding Kansas, and really, what the hell is that?

Well that's not entirely true. Whocaresistan was the sight of many different Indian battles, such as Little Crow and shit. But really, that's it. I mean it this time.

Whocaresistan isn't totally devoid of everything, though. It does have some farmland, some lakes I guess, and the Packers. And Brett Favre, the most feared man in the world.

Will Whocaresistan secede? Or will everyone else just kinda slink it off like an uncomfortable sweater that your mom makes you wear. All scruffy and warm on the neck. No I'm not wearing it anymore! Oh great, now it's cold. Now I need to put it back on. And now my hair is all messed up. YOU RUINED CHRISTMAS AGAIN MOM.

So what'll happen to Whocaresistan after secession? Probably the same thing that happens when a tree falls in the woods and nobody's around to hear it. It'll make a sound, duh. What, you think the laws of physics end beyond your ears? Come on man. But the question is, what sound will it make? My money's on it going, "Mmmmmmrrrrup."

And now we have reached the conclusion of this post. You might be wondering what happens to Alaska and Hawaii and Guam and the Virgin Islands and Samoa and Eritrea. Well, Hawaii has been independent before so I guess it'll be alright? And Alaska will be eaten by wolves. There, that settles that.

Who knows when the United States will break up? It could happen tomorrow, or a year from now, or 20 years from now. Or maybe it already happened, and only YOU can go back in time and stop it. Are you bad enough to go back in time and stop the United States from breaking apart?

If you're bad enough to do that, turn to page 34.
If you're a total wimp bitch who cries for his/her mommy, close the book.

Things that need to stop: TV edition

Every once in a while, I watch TV. Ahhahaha if you believed that for a second you're a foolio, I watch TV constantly. You could say I'm a TV-head.

TV actually has been in pretty good straits lately, if straits could ever possibly considered to be a good thing to be in, and I think they ought to at least be given a chance. A few of the shows that I watch:

"Mad Men"
"The Mentalist"
"Numbers"
"House"
"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"
"South Park"

I'm sure there are more there but those are all I can name off the top of my head. Oh here's another one:

"Lie to Me"

So yeah, just a few years ago this list would be sparsely populated, but thankfully there's been more attention paid to creating at least semi-interesting TV.

But still a lot of TV, and this is including cable, is straight up garbaggio (as they say in Italy when they're acting stereotypical, insert your own curled moustache here). And I don't mean merely disinteresting. I mean YUCK GROSS EW IT'S GOT COOTIES, like I don't even want to be near it. No, not even with the cootie shot.

Now I know what you're thinking. Yes I do miss you and I'm lifting weights so that when I see you I won't be such a slobbo. Yes I also know that the Red Sox blow and you secretly ackownledge that, can we stay on topic? Yes, you're also thinking, "But my love, if you hate a show so much, then just don't watch it!" A valid point, dearest, but also missing the point... in a way.

The problem with bad TV is that it tends to propogate faster than good TV. For every "Mentalist," there are three "Heroes" or "According to Jim"...s. That's three Jims too many.

How come bad TV propogates so easily? Well the reasons have changed. It used to be that disposable TV was made because, even though it may not rake in ratings, it at least was cheap to produce. Then reality TV came and outdid the lowest of the low.

TV will never be perfect, but there are things that just have to stop. They have to stop. For the safety of our children. Or if you hate kids, for the safety of misanthropes. Now you're speaking my language!

Reality TV

I'm not the kind to beat around the bush, unless it's a bush that grows cookies, then goddamn I will beat that bush until every last crumb has come down. But in this case, I'm getting right to the dark, evil, unpleasantest heart of TV: reality TV.

I don't need to get into the history of reality TV. We all know that story. I also don't need to go over all the myths around reality TV, how it's basically just scripted TV et c. et c. (some people actually do write it like that). That territory is old.

What bothers me the most about reality TV is not its utter hypocrisy. It's just completely banal. I understand that most people are dumbasses, usually of the manchildren variety, but it's baffling to me. Even soap operas have some level of intrigue to them. Reality TV?

Let's take the most egregious example, in my mind. "Dancing with the Stars" is the king (and queen) of shit reality TV (but I repeat myself a hyuck). It has everything I hate: utterly pointless "characters," a lame gimmick, limitless cross-promotional potential and it's a game show. Yes, reality TV has gotten so monstrous that game shows are now considered reality TV. This is HERESY. Even the Huguenots acted with more dignity.

The "competition show" is perhaps the most crass (crassest? let's go with crassest) example of reality TV. And "Dancing" has it in spades. Let's see, we have non-threatening minority female judge, boisterous asshole judge, and the wild card (in this case, a non-sensical flamboyant male). I have no idea who these people are or what their level of expertise is in the fields of dancing or starring. For all I know, the Asian lady could be a sweat shop worker who got lost on the way to a factory in Brooklyn. Okay, so what if she can sew a skirt in under five minutes for half a Jolly Rancher? How am I supposed to trust her? And what happens if I put this skirt in with the whites??? Someone help me?????

Then there's the show's entire premise. Hoo boy, I want to watch D-list celebrities and the occasional wash-up dancing with some lady (or dude) I never heard of. Oh look, they're dancing the basa nova. Actually the professional dancer is doing the basa nova and Mickey Rooney is just standing there swaying rhythmically. That's not Dancing with the STARS, that's Middle School Dancing with the OH HEY I SAW THAT GUY ON MATLOCK ONCEs.

The coup de grace is that people are expected to watch it, and then they're expected to be so vested emotionally into it that they call a number up and vote on who wins and loses. I don't know what part of the brain is accessed when someone tries to weigh the dancing efforts of Natalya Simkovicius/Orrin Hatch vs. Edit Mariposa/Dan Shaughnessy. Well, Orrin's cha-cha was kinda off, but Shanks had a wrong step in his foxtrot. You'd have thought that everyone who possessed that brain section would have died out by now, but noooooo. Thanks a lot Darwin you cocksmurf.

I mean, people understand that it's all fake, right? "Oh but dude, DUDE, they know. But it's like, so what? So 'American Idol' is scripted, but so is 'Law & Order,' you know? Like, c'mon man!"

No, there is a difference. L&O doesn't pretend to be real. It's fully content with operating in its L&O New York and it doesn't need some couch commandos in Ohio telling Detective Richard Belzer who to arrest. No matter how dull the L&O writers may be, they are at least minimally qualified to tell Ice T what ebonics to say.

Dancing has no writers. Okay, it has minimal writers who make up some backstory antics for everyone, probably, but that's about it. Also there's no guarantee that people voting has any effect on it at all (see also: American Idol). So for all that effort people put into it, the joke may still be on them. Well I'm not laughing! :watches video of a cat being woken up: Ahahahahaha, okay now I'm laughing.

CLONING THEM SHOWS

Law & Order. CSI. NCIS. Okay we get it, you have a gimmick and you can't just restrict it to one hour.

Usually these shows are called "spin-offs," but I don't consider shows that are the same exact premise in a different locale and a different but functionally indistinguishable cast as an actual spin-off.

CSI is particularly egregious in this regard. CSI itself is a rather lame concept (hurrrr let's exaggerate the power of forensic science so much that it's absurd), so why do they want to recreate the magic of CSI in... THE EVERGLADES! Oh boy, I wonder if they'll have an episode about alligators and creepy Floridians. How about... THE BIG CITY! Hey let's have an episode about BANKERS. We can't do that in Las Vegas, we need WALL STREET.

Most of the time, these clones are just an excuse for the writers to use different cliches, as I just pointed out. They want Caruso and co. to investigiate urban crimes, but Las Vegas is a barely urban shithole so that won't fly. So just transplant it to New York. Problem solved. Except that once those cliches are exhausted, they just go through the motions until they're mercifully cancelled.

Occasionally these shows will get the clever idea to crossover for a few episodes. Like we're supposed to give a shit that Grissom and Gary Sinise are teaming up FOR TWO EPISODES. They don't actually team up, though. It's complicated. And stupid. Especially stupid.

Usually these shows end up failing once people realize that they liked the show better when it was called "Friends." That was the fate that befell "Joey," but lately, if a show is a hot property, its clones will also survive.

L&O is the only show that sorta does this right, and really that only happened with L&O: CI, when they actually changed up the cast structure so it's just two principals. But even then the show was reduced to having D'Onofrio twist his face menacingly at the prime suspect while recycling the crimes that the other L&Os have gone over. I find this objectionable because L&O: CI is trying to make me hate Vincent D'Onofrio and, you know what, I'm just not gonna do it. You can't make me hate him, L&O. You hear me? You have no power over me. YOU HAVE NONE. I LOVE YOU VINCENT D'ONOFRIO EVEN IF WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER.

If this goes unchecked, we will one day wake up to a world where every show is a clone. 8 p.m.: CSI: Brussels, followed by Survivor: Oakland Coliseum. At least on broadcast. If you don't believe me, keep in mind the following:

1) networks are becoming more desperate due to the economy

2) reality TV is ultra cheap

3) cloning hit shows produces more hit shows

It can happen here, as-- wait, what? McAfee Coliseum? ...... No, why should I call it that? That name sucks. ........ No, see, look, it's still also called McAfee Coliseum. ...... Yeah. ...... No I don't care. Shut up I'm in the middle of something.

Anyway, as Sinclair Lewis said, it can happen here.

Your show is not funny and you should probably stop now before someone gets hurt. Namely you. By my gun.

Oh that reminds me:

"Thirty Rock"

Okay anyway, sitcoms are back with a vengeance. This genre used to be considered in trouble after "Seinfeld," "Friends," "Frasier" and (amazingly) "Mad About You" shuffled off their celluloid coils. Wait, were they filmed on celluloid? Look that up for me.

Yeah, people were actually worried that sitcoms would be horribly reduced, perhaps appearing in not more than two hours per week. Unfortunately, they were rescued. By what I can't remember, but they were rescued from the abyss.

One of the shows that took up the mantle of leading sitcom is "The Office," one of almost a billion imports from Britain (seriously, look up the origin of many American shows and you'll find that they were lifted from Britain).

Speaking of which:

"Life on Mars," though it's over now.

So anyway, the British Office is nothing to write home about. Yea it's very British but it's also very dry. And for something British to be considered too dry, it has to be doing something seriously wrong. Or seriously salty. If you dropped the British Office in the Atlantic ocean, it would suck that bitch up so fast you'd be urbexing Atlantis within a day.

The American Office isn't as dry, but that doesn't save it. Not even close. The Office was one of the first successful sitcoms to not use a laugh track (the other being "Arrested Development," which is actually good).

Reminds me again:

"Real Time with Bill Maher"
"Entourage"
"True Blood"

I guess they have no laugh track because the British Office has no laugh track either. Whatever the reason, it doesn't work. It just makes the show more tense than it should be. The show relies on awkward and embarrassing humor, which is tricky because if you do it too poorly, people just feel nervous and shit and don't feel like laughing.

And that is The Office's biggest problem: It is relentlessly awkward by being relentlessly WACKY and RANDOM. Hoooo boy, the boss is a total fucking retard WHAT CRAZY THING IS HE GONNA DO NEXT? I dunno, but why am I watching a show with a tense atmosphere that has such obviously incompetent and loathsome characters, and yet they are still employed? I can't suspend my disbelief because your comedy is so disjointed I can't tell if you're trying to be funny or not. Your "comedy" is so poorly executed, it kills my humor INSTINCT. IT FUCKS WITH MY VERY BRAIN CHEMISTRY.

Viewers have come to see the laugh track as stupid and pointless because, hey, why should I use some canned laughter to tell me when to laugh? A valid point, but still, most comedies need some kind of laugh track because it helps the pacing. Even better when it's filmed before a live audience. It feels more authentic that way if you think other people are laughing with you. The common complaint for non-laugh track shows is that people don't know if they're supposed to laugh at something. I think there's something to that. Something... sexy.

Fortunately for us, most sitcoms are not strictly taking The Office route (the The Office route?). Many still have laugh tracks and many still have stationery cameras (more on that later), but the type of humor it uses is leaking. Shows like "Big Bang Theory" and......

Oh my fucking God.

Okay... here's the deal. So I was looking for the name of the other example ("Parks and Recreation," incidentally). In doing so, I checked the grid for all the broadcasting networks (minus barren hellholes MyNetworkTV and whatever the fuck owns the former WB). It turns out that there are like only seven sitcoms on TV anymore. I did not notice that they were apparently on the verge of extinction again. I guess that's not notable anymore.

Well folks, I gotta tell ya, since sitcoms are rare these days, I don't think picking on them is fair at all. Well guess what? I still will.

What's remaining of the sitcom shitscape (hur shitcoms GET IT???) isn't very much like The Office, actually. Most of the remnants are of the "Married with Children" variety, except not at all funny. In that case, we're all aware of the low points: nuclear family, everyone is mildly retarded, the mom is sassy, the dad's dumb, the daughter's hot, etc.

So in conclusion, sitcoms are right back where they were in the late 90s, minus the actual powerhouses. I guess I should be happy, but it seems that reality TV has taken up the majority of their slots. So yeah. The nightmare rages on.

KEEP THAT SHIT STILL

Shaky cams are slowly appearing in more TV shows, just as they're appearing in more movies. This needs to stop. No, I don't get nauseous watching it. I just like to, you know, be able to concentrate on what I'm watching. And since I have ADHD (yeah it's real but fuck that I don't need to take pills for it. Alexander Graham BELL had it and he could kick your attention-ful ASS in a spelling bee), it's distracting. I can't focus with you MOVING THE CAMERA AROUND. WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?

The Office strikes again. It and Arrested Development introduced that concept to mainstream acceptibility, one of AD's only sins. Which is actually contracitory but shut up, who's the editor here, you or me? That's right. I don't care how much English you teach THIS IS MY TURF.

So yeah, when you have something that adds nothing to the show (and no, "simulating" a documentary (in the Office's case) isn't a good excuse because the idea that the Office is some kind of documentary is completely ridiculous), and instead is a distraction, it's a BAD THING that should STOP.

Does anyone here know how to write a griddarn STORY???

This is the paramount problem with TV, and I don't need to tell you. But I do.

Moving beyond the frivolous reality shows and the dumbass sitcoms, the dramas remain the bulwark of primetime TV. Although reality shows have almost usurped that role, dramas are holding on for dear life. And they're gonna lose.

I don't know if this has always been the case, but dramas do not rely on their stories anymore. They rely on their concepts. Take a prime offender: "Heroes." Heroes is a show about people with superpowers. END DESCRIPTION.

You might be confused by this, but don't be. Heroes is all flash, no substance, like a sparkler. Sure, you can eat it, and it's kinda exciting at first, but then you realize that you wasted your time eating a sparkler when you could have eaten something cooler like a Roman candle.

Heroes has its concept and then does nothing with it. And then it does some more nothing with it. And then it does even more nothing with it. The show's excuse for plot developments is exactly like the flailing of a dying chimpanzee (and believe me, the show IS dying in every way a show can die. See: Knight Rider's remake). I don't know what the writers are thinking, but they are content with going nowhere with it. Fortunately, in a hopeful gesture, the show's fans are abandoning it in droves and it will die due to a lack of interest. Just like my pet nightshade bush. :sniff: I miss you Nighty Night.

A more pervasive problem is that dramas, which are supposed to be like, you know, dramatic, have ludicrous plotlines that suck all the non-humor out of the room and replaces it with something that is not humorous (like the Pope. Come on, Benny, get some new material!!). Heroes has the same problem, as do "24," "Chuck" and "Grey's Anatomy."

What these shows attempt to do is akin to making a movie about a Nazi concentration camp (that is, a concentration camp made by Nazis), and then making the plot about Barney leading a Soviet commando raid to liberate it. Yes, Barney the purple dinosaur, but you can also use Barney Rubble if you prefer. The effect is the same.

Now imagine someone pitching that as a serious movie. It can't be done. I can't take the idea of Barney liberating a Nazi death camp because Barney is also a Nazi and he would never collaborate with the Bolsheviks. Also the image might look just plain silly.

24 has basically become this. The show is so clueless as to how stupid it sounds that I suspect that it might be trying to be absurd on purpose. The previous season dealt with the White House being infiltrated via an underwater tunnel. And that wasn't even the most absurd aspect. The show is chock-full of "serious" situations that, if we were to hear about, we would not believe. Because they would never happen, which is kinda foolish since a lot of really bizarre shit happens in real life but nobody ever draws inspiration from those things.

Desperate Housewives also tries to shoehorn REALLY SERIOUS SHIT in the middle of hijinks. I know there is a term for this, the "Dramedy," but it doesn't work. It does. Not. WERK. Dramedies are just handwavery bullshit used by writers to justify inserting stupid crap into their shows because they constantly write themselves into corners and need something silly to bail themselves out. Drama + comedy rarely work, and if you're gonna include them, you need much more of the former to counteract the latter. Writers don't seem to get this, though, which I believe is because they are actually robots that lack souls and functioning humor chips. Fuckin' Intel they can never get that shit right.

I don't know if the dramedy will become the blueprint for dramas. I don't think it will, but stupider things have happened on TV. But right now, dramas are flailing because writers have no capacity to imagine their shit actually playing out in real life, and in doing so, realizing that what they write is stupid. In some cases it works anyway ("Chuck," though just barely, "Grey's" and "24" seem to be surviving for now), but many shows push the bullshit too much and collapse under their own hubris.

And while it's good that bad shows are not getting away with as much as they used to, the fact is that if most shows drop dead, they will be replaced by expendable reality TV trash. And that is the worst of all worlds.

Perhaps one day I will do detailed dissections of TV shows and their myriad failures, but not today. I've bored you long enough.