Nu Shooz - I Can't Wait.mp3

Women are foolish creatures, am I right guys? *crowd hollers* Exactly. So why is it illegal to hit them? Am I right guys? *crowd whoops and hollers, shot of black guy cracking up*

One thing I don't get is that womenz like to buy shoes. All kinds of shoes. 40 pairs or some shit. Now listen, I like a woman wearing high-heels or boots as much as any blood, but I ain't buying my ho all these shoes goddamn, am I right? *crowd hollers, guy stands up going "RIGHT ON", shot of large black woman barely able to breathe through laughter*

Of course that may be why I love them so much. *Awwwww* Well not really, just one in particular. *Awwwwwww* I still gonna smack her in the eye though.

The other day, I retired my shoes of seven years, a pair of blue Airwalks. We had some great times, Airwalks and I. The time we went to college for the first time. The time we went up to Plattsburgh. The time you kicked that pigeon, right Airwalk. The time we savagely beat that hobo to death for 37 cents. The time we went on that cruise. Wait, no, those were the boat shoes, sorry! The time we went on that special walk at Hofstra because people are too dumb to locate the Meadowbrook. Ahhhh, those were the days.

But now they're going to the closet, along with my HS gym sneakers, my old old old pumas and my slippers.

These motherbitches are now in control of my feet:



Hmmmm. Okay, for some reason they look brown. But they are black. Just like I like my women.

They're pretty good and I can already put them on without needing to untie them, so I cherish them more than I do my loved ones already!

I don't really have any attachment to shoes beyond how easily I can ram them up someone's ass. I feel pretty good about these babies, though.

Well, goodnight everybody! *standing ovation, Michael Epps comes out and gives a fist bump, rap music plays, token white guy in audience claps dutifully*

End of an Era: SHEAD STADIUM EDITION POST ALL THE CHOKES YOU GOT

It's pretty sad that in this modern day of beisbol, in order for your stadium to be "timeless," it has to not have a shitty corporate name attached to it. That's how Shea Stadium, venerable garbage dump and former bangspot for Mike Piazza, became one of the "crown jewels" of Major League Baseball.

However, the AMAZINS are moving into a crappy new ballpark, CitiCorporateSponsorToBeNamedLaterPark. Yes, in between being swindled by Ponzi schemes and making the Royals look like a respectable, well-run organization, the Mets have been building a new field to demonstrate proper choking techniques in.

This is how Shea used to before a bunch of union guys took crowbars to it. Yes, this is perfect proto-60s architecture, bland as bland can be. They totally nailed the toilet bowl look most appropriate for any Queens establishment. Seriously, who the fuck thought this looked good? I know people usually don't look at stadiums from above, but give me a fucking break. I'm not one who usually complains about building aesthetics but this gives me a headache just looking at it.

Fortunately, this eyesore is being torn down:



I don't know when they plan on finally imploding the thing, but it can't be too much longer. They only have like five months left, after all. Maybe the razers will choke as well and the thing won't be detonated until opening day, hopefully engulfing the new stadium in choking, blinding dust. The fans probably won't notice too much, though.



Hmmm, empty seats at Shea... what a surprise!

Here is the shitstain that will go up in its place (almost):



Ah yes, from soulless 1960s architecture to soulless prefab modern architecture.

???? Field may be technically competent and may be objectively "good" looking, but like Neo Yankee Stadium, it has no charm. No soul. No CAJONES!!! (ai ai ai!) It's Petco Park east. Goddamn people, there is a place where grown men play professional baseball, called PETCO PARK.

PETCO PARK.

That said, the deat of Shea Stadium is still somewhat sad. As terrible as it was, it was at least partially historic. It was over 40 years old and the franchise is pretty well established as the whipping boy of the New York baseball teams.

My own memories of Shea are rather nondescript. I estimate that I was there four times, and the only thing I can remember with any certainty was a game against the Pirates where Bobby Bonilla hit a homerun and was fat.

You can't imagine Shea without smelling piss, I think. Wait, let me check.... No, it's not coming from me, it's definitely the memory causing that odor. Okay? YOU'RE JUST IMAGINING SHIT, AS USUAL.

The new field looks like shit, which goes without saying. At least it's not Washington Nationals' stadium level of shittiness (seriously, the thing looks like the god of banality took a massive cube shit in D.C., stood up, folded up his newspaper, looked down at his creation and said, "Ah yes, five days of nothing but cornmeal. I am satisfied!"

The architects were deliberately emulating Ebbetts Field, a real field that is sadly no longer real because it was blown up. I've never been to Ebbetts Field, and I'm almost 100% sure it was cooler than whatever this place will be.

Here's the problem, Mets: you're not the Dodgers. You're not even in Brooklyn for Christ's sake! And don't give me that, "Well you see, the Mets are like the team for New Yorkers who were Dodgers and Giants fans, so you see, we're like both!" No you're not. You're the NEW YORK METS. Not the NEW YORK GIANT DODGERS. If you wanted to callback the Giants and Dodgers, then call yourself the Giant Dodgers. It's that simple. But you wanted to be the Mets, so now you're the Mets.

The whole "WE'RE LIKE THE OTHER TWO NEW YORK TEAMS" gimmick is stupid anyway. The Mets have their own stupid identity and they should stop pretending that they're anything like the old NY NL teams. All it does is reinforce how solidly the Yankees own this town and how the Mets/everyone else will always be pretenders.

So why ape the Dodgers? Because it's "tradition." Yes, I know, an expansion team acting on the behest of tradition is a laugh riot. LAUGH IT UP, FAT BOY. But there is no tradition with Citi Field. It's brand new. Trying to add significance to it by copying Ebbetts Field is retarded. It'd be like if they decided to tear down the White House and rebuild it with a model that reflects Buckingham Palace or some shit. Or it's like how Las Vegas has its own Statue of Liberty. It adds nothing to anything, just a lame facsimile of the real thing. Nobody has guided tours of the LV Statue of Liberty because everyone there knows it's a joke. Someone tell the Wilpons that Citi Field is a joke, too!

With Shea and Yankee Stadium now fading into history's memory, that leaves Camden Tards, Fenway Barf, Coughman Stadium, the Metrodome Mausoleum (one more year!), Anaheim Stadidump (aka some shitty nonsense gay name now), Oakland-Alameda County Correctional Facility (now McAfee slowing your computer down for a shitty virus check Stadium), Dolphin Stadium (until 2011, when hopefully the Marlins will be wiped from human memory), Wrigley Field and Chavez Ravine as the only stadiums with any real history left.

The dumbasses who made Citi Field apparently don't understand what makes a stadium, or any building for that matter, great. It's its history. The Parthenon isn't just a pile of rocks, some serious shit went down there. Or something. You can't just copy the Parthenon's design and have the same significance no matter where you build it. This is something 2-year-olds can understand (I checked, he definitely understood my point. "Ice!" is how toddlers concur what you say). It will take decades for Citi Field to build up any character.

But even still, its growth is stunted. It's just bland and probably overly clean and totally devoid of anything that sets it out from the rest. Miller Park has a giant slide where the Brewers mascot (a drunk man, aka any average person who is caught in the horror show known as the state of Wisconsin) slides down every time someone hits a homerun or someone gets arrested for DUI or something. Also the stadium is modeled after a giant failing liver. See? That's unique. Decades from now, that drunk will still be sliding down the slide, his pants around his ankles, drooling all over and wondering why the fuck he just can't get a kiss around here. UNCLE TIM, YOU CAN'T GET A KISS BECAUSE YOUR DICK IS HANGING OUT AND WE LEFT THE BAR AN HOUR AGO AND WE'RE RIGHT NOW IN THE SUBWAY AND THAT HOMELESS MAN IS NOT INTERESTED.

Or take Chase Field, the DiamondBacks' home stadium. It has a motherfucking pool beyond the outfield wall. Yes it's a gay gimmick, but decades from now, assuming Arizona has not been baked dry by climate change, people will revere it as an awesome tradition after they celebrate their 50th Chase Field drowning.

Neo Yankee Stadium is trying something of the same thing. Just build the old white frieze and put Monument Park in center field (under a freakin' restaurant, Jesus) and it'll be just like the old stadium! But it won't! There won't be any smell of piss, which every stadium eventually acquires. Unless they line the stadium with piss smell. But that would just be gauche and it would probably offend all the CEOs going to the game.

New stadiums of any sport tend to futuristic, hyper-sanitized office-like areas, which is pretty gay. Only the onslaught of time can wear that shit down until it feels less like you're going to a conference and more like a baseball game. Only after enough people have pissed in the hallway, only after enough tiles on the walls have fallen off and cracks in the mortar have formed, only after a few billion beers have spilled in the seats and aisles will the stadium even begin to acquire the proper ambience.

Until then, we're stuck on a showroom floor watching Derek Jeter give a lecture about how dreamy his eyes are (the dreamy quotient has gone up 45% year-over-year! SYNERGY! WE NEED MORE POS TECHNOLOGY!!!!!!).

P.S. I don't think I'll ever be able to afford tickets to New Yankee Stadium, and even if I did, I wouldn't be close enough for Scot Schoenweis to hear me laugh out loud at him actually warming up in the bullpen. Ahahahahah, THE SCHO IS OVER!!!!!!

Point/COUNTERPOINT: COUNTERPOINT: Christmas is great and you should feel bad for saying it isn't

Last time on POINT/counterPOINT:

The evil POINTMAN said that Christmas was gay and for losers like Kwanel X. And he was being really STUPID and LAME.

Meanwhile, our plucky hero DEREK JETER was busy trying to save Christmas from the evil forces, the Jewish Liberal Media Liberals. He found the sacred Asscheek of Ortiz, but it was too heavy for him to lift up!

With the forces of POINTMAN descending on our brave, extremely heterosexual hero, could anything be done to prove that Christmas is a pretty cool holiday and you should just chill the fuck out, man? :massive bong rip:

DA DA DA DAAAAAAAAAAAA

Christmas unites a shitload of people, such as Jews, Muslims, Christians, Greek Orthodox, Minnesotans, Buddhists, Taoists, those crazy Chinese folk religions, Scientologists, blacks and nature lovers under one thing: VACATION! Note: Shintos can get the FUCK out. Christmas is so awesome that even non-Christians (like Catholics) can enjoy it! Why? Because this is a CHRISTIAN NATION and we get off for Christmas and shit.

Now tell me, without Christmas, what would we have to take a break between Thanksgiving and whatever holiday is next (Bastille Day?)? That's right. It'd be NOTHING. Just a long, dreary stretch that lasts for months and months. Now--

Oh wait, New Year's. Forgot.

Hm.

Well, without Christmas, what would Jews watch on Dec. 25? Hmmmm? That's right, nothing! It'd be like a second Holocaust, except it happens every December! Are you lining up with Hitler? If not, then Christmas is great, you kraut fucker!

Christmas movies rock, you're an asshole. I know Mr. BITCH said that Christmas movies tend to suck. That just proves that Mr. BITCH is about 6-years old, and thus a BABY, because Christmas has a very good pedigree of awesome movies, such as Home Alone, Home Alone II: Lost in New Yawk, Die Hard, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Gremlins, that other one, you know, with the guy, fuck, I just had the name in my head too ARGGGHHH, Oh yeah, Christmas Vacation, Saving Private Ryan and some other shit too, probably.

I will concede, though, that A Christmas Story is rank shit and should be wiped from human memory "1984" style.

Not to mention all the Christmas specials, some of which are actually not gay!!!

Getting Christmas gifts is fun, stop acting like it isn't you SQUARE. Yeah let's flash back a second here. The scene: 1995. The place: my living room. The event: The arrival of the PlayStation. Was that not a MONUMENTAL event in your life? Did that not kick so much ass you got arrested for it? Without Christmas, it wouldn't have been possible.

I know what you're gonna say. "B-b-b-b-but gifts can't mend a broken heart!" or something queer like that. Guess what? Everybody needs material shit, including toys, because they're fun and without them you'd go insane. Okay? Do you think homeless people enjoy having nothing? No TVs, video games, clothes, walkmen, kazoos, jeans that don't have holes in them, Macy's gift cards, etc? No, they don't. Face it, material possessions are great and if you can afford them, even greater.

Go ahead. Picture your life without the NES. Go for it. See how far you get. PUNK.

Christmas traditions are cool too. They can stay. Who doesn't like giant stockings? Huh? Who doesn't like holly? Aside from people who are allergic to it? In which case it's funny watching them break out in hives and hyperventilate? How about Christmas music and shit?

Face it, this shit makes shit fun. You don't see people singing carols at Easter or Martin Luther King day, do you? Because those holidays aren't as much fun and aren't as big of an "event" as Christmas. No other time throughout the year does NYC light up like at Christmas. Without it, this shit just wouldn't happen, and the year would just be one bland set of holidays from end to end.

Face it, Easter can't carry the holiday calendar. July 4th isn't ready for primetime. Thanksgiving? Pft. Not even the NFL can elevate it. Halloween's been permanently appropriated by the costume industry and is just as bland as everything else. The only thing that can possibly approach Christmas is May Day. I've really liked some of the moves it's been making and it could be a sleeper pick in the holiday championship this year.

Christmas is the only time of the year where people have the opportunity to stop being cockslaps to each other. Oh here's POINT going, "B-b-b-b-but people don't act that way at Christmas! They act like shitheads by stomping each other to death over microwaves and pretending to give a fuck and having lots of nervous breakdowns and shit."

Well, yeah, but what do you want? People need very little excuse to be shitheads and can be set off by black Friday sales or square-dancing competitions. Why is it Christmas' fault that Americans are generally violent and neurotic and dumb? Would taking Christmas away lead to people having revelations about the state of their lives? Would it make them more conscious of suffering not of their own?

People bitching about Christmas are attacking a symptom, not the problem. It's like bitching out George W. Bosh when everyone in America elected him king not once but FOUR TIMES! This shit doesn't happen without reasons, and attacking Christmas as if it's the cause of retardation is missing the forest for the trees. Or something. It's something stupid is what it is! IS! THAT DEPENDS ON THE MEANING OF THE WORD "IS" IS.

Furthermore, if anything, Christmas has a positive effect on MERICA. Other than on Thanksgiving, nobody pays attention to the poor and downtrodden. Not on Veterans' Day (loo), not on Valentine's Day, not even on Poor People's Day (aka Mother's Day). Now if we followed Mr. Assy Pants, we'd take away Christmas and those uncomprehending bums would get NOTHING. (GOOD DAY SIR.)

Now who wins there? Good for you, Fartknocker, you take away all the toys for the homeless kids on Christmas. Aren't you a big, bad anti-capitalist hero of the proletariat now, hmmm? Yes, let's take our anger out on hobos! No, seriously, it's not like they have rights or anything!

The real truth is that it's not Christmas' fault, so removing it would change nothing. If anything, we need more Christmases. We need Christmas every day! I don't give a fuck what Elmo "proved", if we had Christmas every day, everyone would get DVDs and the poor would be fed every day. And that would be cool. So FUCK YOU, I say we do the opposite and turn every month into Christmasember.

Christmas was originally invented so that the worst times of winter (ironically that's actually in January/February soooooooo) would be bearable. Instead of sitting in a cold cave going "Oooga, booga ooooooog ugh ugh ugh" (I think that's how you say "This sucks" in Afrikaans), they would exchange animal pelts and slave children and go "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" Then later, they'd say "HAPPY KWANZAA!" And then all the other cavemen would laugh at them because he's only ironically celebrating Kwanzaa.

So just relax and celebrate it however you want to. It's part of the circle of life to celebrate Christmas. You can't stop it now. It's too late. And so I rest my case.



(courtroom bursts into applause, prosecution attorney looks embarrased, judge stands up and goes "I DECLARE CHRISTMAS INNOCENT OF ALL CHARGES!" then there's a huge standing ovation and the music swells and Derek Jeter lifts the World Series trophy overhead and the author of this blog totally macks TINORP.)

(then the judge is impeached for violating procedure.)

(the end.)







(P.S. Easter will always be pretty crappy. Sorry, when your only ammo is hiding some eggs and The Ten Commandments, you might as well not even try it. LATERZ.)





AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.






D


A little better but you don't have enough introductory paragraphs.

Point/Counterpoint: POINT: Christmas is gay

As part of our award-winning coverage on Christmas™, I'm proud to present you the climax of the season (no, the OTHER climax): POINT/COUNTERPOINT.

POINT/COUNTERPOINT is where I enter into a serious argument with myself. Think of it like Colbert's schtick, except more relevant and with less ties. Do not be alarmed if I start referring to myself as a "queeroid," it's all part of the show.

Today's POINT/COUNTERPOINT* regards Christmas, the season of perpetual hope recycling jokes feeling sorry for orphans. Everyone on the planet celebrates it, except for about, oh, 50% of sub-Saharan Africa, all of Saharan Africa, 95% of the Middle East, Antarctica, the North Pole (ironically), China in general (Xinjiang particularly), Tibet, Bhutan, probably most of India, Burma (another reason not to go!!!), Sri Lanka, maybe Kiribati, the Maldives (but fuck them) and Sweden. If I missed you, sorry, but you're boring anyway.

Christmas is arguably the World Cup of holidays in that 2 billion people tune in and Americans are bored shitless by it even though it's actually a pretty cool event and you should just crawl out of your fucking comfort zone and try to experience something that requires a little more patience than sitting on the can you PROPELLOR-HEADED FUCK. But is Christmas really all that?

I posit that Christmas actually sucks and is an inferior holiday to, say, Lincoln's Birthday. No, wait, scratch that, Labor Day. Yeaaaahhh, there we go.

If you don't believe me, then check it out:

Christmas is filled with mindless, soul-crushing, shitty consumerism. Yes we all get it by now. You have to give a gift on Christmas or else you're a fuck. But in our consumerist society, the pressure is ratcheted-up to unbelievable levels. Even in a recession depression!

Lexus is starting in again with it's fucking Give-Him/Her-A-Lexus-For-Christmas-Complete-With-Bow gimmick. I rarely utterly despise commercials, but Lexus (and Zales and Jarret's, I WILL KILL YOU JARRET IF I SEE YOU) always pushes me over the edge. Anyone who can afford to give a Lexus SUV for Christmas is a gargantuan shit who should be kicked off the planet. There I said it.

It's bad enough everyone on Christmas feels the pressure to really wow people with an (expensive) gift, having shitlords like Lexus suggesting you take out a second mortgage to do so (even if the commercial isn't actually effective at all) is awful. And really, a Lexus? Why don't they advertise by having people drive around slums in Lexuses, stopping in front of people waiting for public transportation, rolling down the window and giving everyone one of those ;) faces. The only tragedy is that that emoticon fails to capture the smugness I'm trying to portray.

All of this is compounded by "consumer guides" that actively point you to the most expensive products you could possibly buy, ignoring or shunning cheaper alternatives that are just as effective, if not more (AHEM IPOD AHEM). Hmmm, you want to buy a TV for someone? How about a BIG GIANT FUCKOFF PLASMA FROM SONY. YES GET THE BRAVIA. DO IT YOU FUCK. THAT IS JUST MY FRIENDLY SUGGESTION.

The Christmas consumer rush is really nothing more than a poorly veiled swindle. They raise the basic "you're not spending enough" guilt shit, and then they nail you with the expensive Blu-ray player trap. It's nothing more than a keeping-up-with-the-Joneses, high-school peer-pressure ploy for petulent pukes (pbuh) that I avoid participating in as much as I can. I suppose, though, that it is inevitable. But unless you are 100% sure that the gift you're getting is going to make the other person happy, buying expensive shit on Christmas just means that after Christmas, everyone is poorer some way or another. Either your wallet is lighter with nothing to really show for it, or you're too damn poor for it anyway and now everyone thinks you're a jerk. Hey, thanks Santa!

Speaking of Santa, the whole Santa myth is a waste of time. I don't know if I'll tell my kids the truth about Santa, that he is not real, that the real person he was based off of died a long time ago (and is still dead, believe it or not), and that the person who currently runs his operation is significantly less jovial than you'd expect. What I do know is that the Santa myth has very little upside and a very steep downside.

Of course the whole Santa myth serves two purposes: 1) it pre-disposes children to expect awesome toys at Christmas, thus turning them into good little consumers who will keep up that expectation long after the illusion is destroyed; and 2) it has a (neglible) behavioral control with the whole coal-in-the-stocking thing.

Personally, if I do play the Santa myth with the tikes, it will be a nice big stocking of fecal matter. Santa can't waste good anthracite just to make a point!

The myth is poorly constructed, though, and it's any wonder how kids don't catch on by 1st grade. NOT THAT I TOOK EXTRAORDINARILY LONG TO CATCH ON MYSELF. I mean, come on. Flying reindeer? Get with the fucking times, Santa. Just say he has a jet, or a jet pack, or a teleporter or something. A fucking sleigh and reindeer, really? How are kids not questioning the logistics of this? Does he resupply in mid-air? Or does he have strategically placed present dumps around the world? What about no-fly zones and hostile airspace? What happens if the house burns down before he gets to it? Does he leave the gifts in the wreckage? And how the hell does he have the same wrapping paper as mom and dad?

I think the first hint I had that Santa was bullshit was when I realized the absurdity of a man with elves in a fucking wooden workshop being able to build me a Nintendo game. And then he decided to put it in the same packaging they had in the store. Oh really? Nintendo licensed Santa to build his own version of Mega Man IV AND the design of the package? And they did this out of the good of their heart? No way, sir, the cost-benefit analysis doesn't hold water! If I were an industry and Santa was freely building my shit, you can bet there'd be an injunction filed all over the fucking planet, pronto.

The ultimate problem with the myth, though, is that it has to end. Everyone catches onto the con sooner or later, and then you're just thinking, well what the fuck was that about, anyway? It wasn't about anything. It was a tradition. And now, for you, it's over. Thanks for playing!

But what about the kids who figure it out the hard way? They catch mom & dad scarfing cookies meant for SANTAAAAAAA? Or they find the gifts stashed away? Yeah right, mom, Santa's only supposed to come on Christmas Eve. WHY DO YOU HAVE HIS GIFTS THREE WEEKS EARLY? WHAT DID YOU DO TO SANTA YOU HORRIBLE BITCH??

All that causes is a lot of trauma for nothing. So in that way, Santa is like a giant practical joke played on kids. Hmmm, actually, that's pretty hilarious. Maybe I should rethink my criticisms here...

White Christmases, like the white man, are an abomination. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas where I don't have to deal with the consequences. I love all the Facebookers going YAAAAAY IT's SNOWING!!!! To a man, they're all women, which means they don't have to shovel it. Well go to hell YOU HARPIES!

Look bitches, I know your idea of hard work is slapping on Lee press-ons and waxing your eyelashes or some barbaric shit, but in the real world, when it snows, men, large, sexy men like me, have to shovel it up. And that's a shit job if there ever was one.

All Christmas does is create the idea that snow is tolerable and something to be welcomed. Even news anchors, though, recognize the incongruity of this. No, Jim, snow is not "cool" (heh), it's not "fun." It means work. Backbreaking work. Work that makes you question the validity of life. And they know that. And they also know that snow causes more problems than it solves (except all that reservoir refilling shit blah blah blah who cares about drinking water!) But we still have to hope that it snows on Christmas, one of the busiest traveling times in the year. That's like hoping that your team's bus gets into a 50-car pileup on the highway right before the World Series. And don't think it won't happen, Bostonians. It will happen. Mark my words, if it's the last thing I do, IT WILL HAPPEN.

People should not be made to jump up their own asses about snow on Christmas and how it's so sad that it didn't snow on Christmas. Guess what? The first time it snows on Christmas I said, "Wow, that's cool... whelp..." Yeah that's right, it means nothing. NOTHING. SO STOP ASKING FOR IT.

Chestnuts and eggnog taste like ass. There's a reason they don't come out any other time of the year, people.

Last but not least, Christmas is an exercise in misery. Christmas is basically the only holiday, except for Thanksgiving, that acutely fucks with people's emotions and expectations. Simply put, if your family situation is not all spic-and-span, and if you're not with them, you're probably drowning in tears and desperately downing SSRIs like yummy Hershey's Kisses. Now think of all the people who are in that boat and are desperately poor. Yup, this is a cause for celebration!

This situation is perhaps ironically best described by Band-Aid's Do They Know It's Christmas?, which is basically the penultimate in bourgeois ignorance about the world. No, Bono, they probably don't know because they're too busy dying in terrible and creative ways. And most don't care anyway.

As a side note, the Christmas episode of Pop-Up Video is seriously the best of that show, and that show had some mint episodes.

Define irony: Africa is a shithole because it has been and still is exploited for its resources, one of which is diamonds. At Christmas, we're told to look out for our fellow man. And also to buy diamonds. Diamonds from Africa. Diamonds that people died to extract. Yes, Virginia, Blood Diamond is not entirely bullshit! There really are South Africans who look as nice as Leonardo DiCaprio. Their breath is still shit, though, from what I hear. And don't get me started on that hobo-bobobo accent they have. Goddamn, does everything the Dutch touch have to be such shit?

Anyway, where was I? God he's so dreamy.

Oh, yes, poor people. It must be a real hoot to be a bum. For those who still are clinging to their sanity, I wonder how aware they are that they're fed by the population at large for only two times out of the year. Do they look forward to their complementary Christmas gruel? Do they see it as a Christmas bonus? Congrats, dude, everyone has been avoiding eye contact with you. For hanging in there for so long, here's a turkey leg! Don't freeze to death it's supposed to be a white Christmas after all! Haw haw haw haw (slams door in uncomprehending bum's face).

In fact, at halftime of today's loltastic Jets game, they did the local news. And the nice half-Asian, half-Caucasian newslady said there was a CODE BLUE out for city services to round up all the homeless so that they don't freeze to death. I was like, "That's nice, they don't mind people lying on sidewalks high out of their minds, but if the temperature hits 32 F, uh oh! Gotta get those guys a place to sleep!"

The way Christmas is run, it only serves to put a mask on how awful things can get. Just play It's a Wonderful Life and everyone will be happy being poor. Except they can't be, because they're not spending any money and so people should hate them for being poor! Everyone has to pretend that it's all cool because the TV tells us it's all cool and the music tells us it's all cool (except for that fucking Christmas Shoes I HATE YOU.). But it's not. On Dec. 26, everyone has to get off the Christmas high, and now everyone is sad because the celebration is over. But was there really a celebration to begin with, Charlie Brown? Was there really?

I say no. People get unduly lonely because of Christmas. Do you see people getting all weepy and shit for Arbor Day? Only the hippies, my friend. Only the hippies. And they are not real people. But Christmas pushes everyone's buttons, the poor in spirit especially.

If I'm being a bummer, sorry, but for many people Christmas is already a bummer and they don't need me to say it! And someone needs to say it!!!! I am an important person!!

Whoops, almost forgot: Christmas movies are shit now. Oh look, another Vince Vaughn Christmas movie. That's so completely sterile and pointless. And it doesn't even feel like a Christmas movie. Fucking Die Hard feels more like a Christmas Movie than Four Christmases.

There hasn't been a good Christmas movie since Home Alone 2. And some of the "classics" are tripe as well. The Christmas Story is a movie enjoyable only to old people. Why? Because it reminds them of when they were young. To everyone else, it's terrible because it shows us what life was like when people were forced to find shit like listening to the radio and decoder rings to being the pinnacle of entertainment. Holy God, DECODER RINGS? I'M BECOMING ENRAGED JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

In conclusion: Christmas is a trap designed to lure the barely sane into its maw, and then crush their spirits with false hope. You can hide behind as many of your silly traditions as you want, you can't stop the inevitable post-Christmas letdown. And you KNOW it's coming, oh yes. Mwahahahahaaha, haahahahahahahaha, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!
* Today's POINT/COUNTERPOINT was sponsored by the Committee to Make Easter Even Cooler Than Christmas.

Tune in next time for a rebuttal. A very sexy rebuttal. The kind you want to touch.





Yes, you may touch it.









F
You do not use "In conclusion" to end an essay. See me after class.

Scrooge MeDuck

If you've ever celebrated Christmas, and I know you have, then you're familiar with A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens. Edited by Jack London. A Michael Bay Production. Leonard Maltin called it "the runaway Christmas hit of the season!"

In case you're not, here's a quick summary of what happens:

Ebenezer Scrooge is (hits fast-forward button) and then they go (hits fast forward button) followed by an orgy (hits fast forward button) by black people (hits fast forward button) What I like about the Disney version (oops, shit, hits rewind) scared by black people.

It's a pretty simple morality tale, told only as Chucky Dicks could tell it, with melodrama and poor people and enough cockney accents to permanently stunt your speech patterns.

Moreso than perhaps any other story in the history of mankind, except maybe Street Fighter, Carol has been retold in so many ways. It seems everyone's taken turns with their own spin. Ahhhh yes, you know what's coming, don't you, smart guy? Yup.

A LIST!!!!

Here are my favorite renditions of this particular story:

5. Disney's version: Scrooge McDuck made his television debut here, taking over as the miserly Scrooge, with Donald as his gay nephew. I think Mickey was Bob Cratchett. Goofy may have been The Ghost of Christmas Future, it's been so long since I've seen it.

In fact, there's not much I actually can remember, but what stuck with me was the art direction. What I like about the Disney version is that it's very dark. It uses nice, drab colors. Scrooge's coat is the naviest of navy blues, which contrasts nicely with his dark orange beak. Also for some reason I recall Mickey being drawn really well. It's just a great showcase of how cool animated productions can look, and they sure as shit don't make them like that anymore.

I should probably take a page out of TINORP's book and YouTube this shit.

4. Patrick Stewart version: Patrick Stewart is a god among men. If this were Mt. Olympus, I'd be Zeus and he could be, I dunno, Apollo. No wait, no, he'd be Hermes. Yeah, a bald... wait no, he'd be Dionysus. Yes, a bald, jovial guy who's good at acting. And drinks a shitload.

Anyway, as with basically anything Stewart's involved with, he drives the performance on his sheer bald acting prowess. He also wears a nightcap, which would really complement my own nighttime ensemble.

Really, Stewart's performance is the only damn thing that's memorable, but his range makes it worth the watch. And that's that!

3. Flintstones version: The Flintstones have only been involved in two worthwhile productions: The Flintstones Meet the Jetsons and this. The Flintstones take an interesting take on the story, turning it into a story within a story. If I remember correctly, the Flintstones decide to put on a stage version of the play, which is mind-boggling as Jesus had not been invented yet and they clearly are not celebrating Sangria or whatever the pagan holiday equivalent is.

Fred plays Scrooge while Wilma plays his main bitch or something. But before the play begins, Fred does something to piss Wilma off. Perhaps spousal abuse. So while Fred has to deal with a pissed-off Wilma (apparently slapping her was not an option. C'mon, Fred! That's how you tell girls you love them!!!), he also has to act like Scrooge and, in a sense, piss Wilma off again in the play! It's kinda hard to describe but it was a really neat take on the whole thing. Also it's very eerie watching Fred Flintstone beg for his life so there's that going for it too.

2. Mr. Magoo version: Mr. Magoo is an interesting choice for Scrooge. On the one hand, he's old. On the other hand, he's blind. On the third hand... wait... people don't have more than one hand, do they?

Anyway, this is another one of those "the character is not really Scrooge, he/she's just playing them in a... play. In this case, there's no meta-story like in the Flintstones' version, but this one does have music and an unusually powerful performance by Magoo.

Interestingly enough, they play Carol extremely straight. Like, straighter than me, even. The whole Magoo-is-blind gimmick is dropped completely. In that way, you kinda wonder why Magoo's even involved, anyway, as without him being blind then he's just another old man with an extremely large forehead. But it does help you to take it seriously when Magoo confronts Christmas Future and has to beg for his life. I don't usually endorse characters going out of their element, but it works here.

1. Scrooged version: Ah yes, the 1990-something Bill Murray take on it. Scrooged does what few other versions of the trope do: move it into the present era and inject a sense of realism into it. A lot of people don't seem to like this version, but I think it's stronger than all of them. Put together!

In this version, Scrooge is a TV exec who fills his network with the most vile programming imaginable. So in that sense, calling it Zuckered would've also been acceptable. In this case, Ebenezer isn't so much a greedy old codger as he is a hypercynical prick, which I think makes more sense. I mean really, if Scrooge knows the value of money so much, why the fuck does he hoard it all the time? No, fool, real niggaz spend that bread.

This version also gives Scrooge a better motivation for being the way he is. Instead of becoming an asshole because the kids made fun of him at gay school, he becomes an asshole because his family life is shit and he spends most of his early career degrading himself, not unlike being a Boston Bruin. Thus, when his main bitch abandons him, it makes more sense since he's already had to deal with real humiliation and abandonment, which money can't fix (see that Simpsons episode where the Germans take over the power plant if you don't believe me).

Scrooged takes a lot of liberties, which it has to obviously. Not all of it works. The Christmas Future section becomes muddled (I keep forgetting if that frozen guy is supposed to be him or some other guy he knows) and the flick ends with some ultra-tarded singing thing. But what I like most about it is that it deals with the whole ghost thing the way I think someone actually would.

In all the other versions, Jacky Marley shows up and looks ghostly and horrifying as fuck. How does Scrooge take that?

Marley: SCROOOOGE! I AM JACOB MARLEY, YOUR DEAD GAY FRIEEEEEEEEND!!!!! YOU ARE BEING A FUCK TO EVERYONE SO MORE GHOSTS ARE GONNA COOOOOOOME!!!!!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Scrooge: hmmm k.

Whereas in Scrooged Scroogey-boy takes it as if he's having a drug-induced hallucination. Yes I know he doesn't actually state that, but Murray's attitude is all like, "Hmm, I guess that burrito was laced. Oh well might as well lean back and enjoy it!"

Yes, it is more appropriate to view the whole ghosts thing as a trip that gradually becomes bad until Scrooge is on the floor squirming in horror begging the imaginary ghost of Christmas You Gonna Die not to let him die or some shit. I mean, if you really thought some ghosts were visiting you, then I'd be all like, "Well, what were you before there was Christmas? Do you have Kwanzaa versions of yourselves? How come you're such a fatass, Christmas Present? And why are you hiding children under your robe?"

But if you're tripping, do you ask questions of your hallucinations? I don't know, I've never tripped, actually. I mean, the closest I came was when I had some teeth pulled and they put me on some NO2, but all that really happened was I thought I was floating and my field of vision was overtaken by a giant purple splotch. Although the splotch did talk to me, but it wasn't very stimulating conversation. It just kept telling me to open wide. The fuck did you want from me, purple splotch? What message were you trying to send me??

I know someone in my audience has done it. I DEMAND ANSWERS. Write to me with your experiences!!!

I'm a literalist, so I'm a stickler for stories that deal with things in a consistent matter. I think Scrooged handles the story the best way it can be handled within its own idiom. If you don't like gritty takes on shit, though, you should probably avoid it. But that would make you a jerk, and you don't want to be a jerk, do you? No of course not.

And so that ends another list. A listy list, if you ask me. What's your favorite version of Carol? Let me know!

















Please let me know I'm so lonely oh god

Christmas bloggin: CHANUKAH EDITION POST ALL THE JEWS YOU GOT

'Tis the season to feel sorry for the Jews. Yes, Hannukah (or Chanukah, pronounced :clear throat: :cough up phlegm:-ah), is soon upon us. Sunday night in fact.

I was never a Jew growing up so I don't quite know how the kinder feel about the holiday. So putting my mutt-guinea popish self in their shoes, I imagine it sucks massive amounts of cock. But it is circumcised cock so it is at least approved by the AMA.

I've tried to think of analogies where the Jews get something cool and the gentiles have to do without, but I'm coming up empty. There's Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashannah, but I think Yom Kippur is more of a bummer holiday and Rosh Hashannah is the new year. Which is retarded because the Jews at in the 5xth century and they still haven't developed flying cars. Also New Year's is on Dec. 31, and I'm taking off for that day, so it's a stalemate.

There's Passover, but Passover is overtaken by Easter, plus it had a really stupid and gay Rugrats special and the only movie that's really applicable to it is filled with Christian sentiment anyway so once again gentiles win.

There is Purim but I have no idea what it's about and you don't get off for it anyway so it doesn't count.

That leaves Hannukah. Now for some reason, the Jews got greedy (heh) and wanted to have SEVEN days of celebration instead of just one. Oh, clever Jews, think you can out-fun Christmas?

I'm not at all inclined to think that Jewkids have that much fun over Hannukah. They don't even get off for school, so already that's a bummer, and it's so clearly outlcassed by Christmas (Christmas songs to Hannukah songs, in ratio form: 174,961:-15) that it might as well not even try.

But I'm nothing if not helpful, so here are a few tips to make Hannukah more competitive against Christmas and maybe, maybe make it even cooler than Boxing Day:

1. Don't do this whole give-a-gift-a-night shit. Just because you celebrate it over seven days doesn't mean you have to rip off Christmas every day. It's just poor form. Also, Elmo taught us that Christmas every day is actually really shitty, so don't do it.

What makes a holiday really awesome is anticipation, not consummation. Well, not always consummation. Unless you're talking about banging your favorite Boston broad, then consummation is always awesome.

But anyway, yeah, Christmas rocks because up until Christmas Eve, if you're 5 years old or a manchild, you're just waiting for Santa to do his shit and voila, a PlayStation under the tree. You just can't stop thinking about how awesome that PlayStation will be, and by proxy everything else about the holiday rocks, because something awesome is coming.

Hannukah spoils it by dribbling out the gifts over seven days. Christmas anticipation climaxes perfectly on Christmas morning, when you dig into your loot in one magnificent orgy of HOLY FUCK IT'S WRECKING CREW FFFFFFFFFFFFFUCCCCCCCKKKKK MY ASSSSSSSSSS YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS (actual quote from the [redacted house, circa 1988]. It's like puttin the bone on your woman all night.

But here's how the Hannukids do it: oh boy Harvey, here's your one gift tonight! Yay! It's Ridge Racer! But we haven't given you the PlayStation yet, so you get to fucking stare at it for up to six more days! Happy Hannukah! Harvey, wait, put the gun down Harvey! Harvey we can talk about this! Harvey! Harvey oh god no!

Imagine puttin the bone to your woman, except after a couple of thrusts she goes, okay Harvey! You have to wait until tomorrow night to continue!

Or what if you have this incredible buffet, but instead of piling up donuts and shit on your plate, the guy goes, "Okay, you can have a donut and some asparagus. Then tomorrow you can have another donut and a fig!" Well that's a fucking waste.

The first thing they have to do is make all the gifts come out on one day, preferably the final day because, duh, you save the best for last. You can keep the seven days, that doesn't mean anything. Christmas lasts 148 days after all. But you have to have a climax. Holidays aren't like "Lost," where you sit around for five years waiting for something to happen, slowly losing interest. They're a "Fish Police," one episode of unfettered glory before vanishing overnight.

2. Get some fucking ornaments for Christ's Judas Maccabeus' sake. As far as I know, there are three Hannukah decorations: the Menorah, the Hannukah bush and some giant fucking dreidels. It's pretty clear that after the Menorah, they just stopped trying.

Okay. The Hannukah bush.


What the fuck is this shit? Even the Jews realize that this is a sham. Hey, you know what we call Hannukah bushes in our house? MINI CHRISTMAS TREES. I HAVE ONE IN MY ROOM. IT LIGHTS UP AND HAS THE BLESSED VIRGIN MARY ON IT IN ORNAMENT FORM. SAINTS BE PRAISED! :sign of the cross:

The H-bush is so lowly that it's confined pretty much only to American and Canuck households, which is extremely appropriate.

As for the dreidel, enough. It's a top, that's all it is.

I don't know what ornaments Hannukah could use, as the Christofascists have gobbled up not only anything religiously symbolic, but anything that symbolizes winter itself. Maybe they can try a totally different motif. How about instead of having wintery symbols, they take aquatic symbols? Build a molluskman! Have some gingerbread orcas! Decorate the walls with mini squids! Shit, I'm just throwing out ideas here, you're the ones who fell behind the Christians!

3. Speaking of dreidels, come up with some shit that's actually fun. The dreidel is a cute diversion but it's clearly unable to carry a holiday. Simply put, the dreidel is not ready for prime time. Even Easter's lowly Cadbury egg is more fun than the dreidel.

Okay, I get it, you spin it and if you get pong or something, you win some fake chocolate gold coins. Way to combat the stereotypes, by the way. Wow, I can play this game all of three times before it gets terminally boring.

The dreidel doesn't have to be retired, but it has to be sent to a supporting role. But what should take over? I have no clue, but the options are a little more open as Christians have pretty much locked into the whole open gifts -> drink eggnog -> hit the road -> wrap car around tree routine. Maybe the Jews can try fireworks?

But, July 4th has fireworks! Yes but July 4 is seven months away. And we don't really have enough fireworks holidays. This is where Hannukah can really put its mark down. The motif is already there, after all. Festival of Lights, well, where are the fucking lights? Launch a shitload of bottle rockets and those zippy spinny things that dance around the backyard and fly up into someone's clothing and burn them to death. Also make sure to plant Roman candles in the street and light them when someone's driving near, you fucking prick YOU CAN KILL SOMEONE DOING THAT. Oh and let's not forget the classic M-80 at 4 a.m. Fuck yeah I love being jostled out of sleep. Love it.

In keeping with point 1, they can make night six fireworks night and put up a massive fireworks show. And then they can wind it down with some jumping jacks and those black snakes. Holy shit this is such a great idea I'm patenting it now.

4. Get some songs already. If it weren't for Adam Sandler or my 5th grade Christmas Winter concert, there would be precisely zero Christmas songs I'd be aware of. That's unforgivable. The Jews already have a few ditties under their belt, and they own 95% of the entertainment industry, this should be easy as latkes.

But no, there's a dearth of it. And the only mainstream Hannukah song is a twice-reprised comedy ditty. You can't even fill a subway ride with Hannukah music.

This is simply a matter of a lack creativity and will. I don't see why they don't understand that a great soundtrack is crucial to making a good holiday. It's why Easter really is a drag, but that's an entirely different story (altogether).

5. Mascots wanted. Once again, the Christians have the mascot market cornered. First of all, you can't top Jesus. Well you can, actually, especially if you deny his divinity LIKE A HERETIC. Okay, fine, but you can't top Santa Claus. Nobody denies his divinity after all. Then there's Frosty, Rudolph, Scrooge, the Grinch, Chevy Chase... there's hardly a place a Jew can look to to find a mascot.

I have heard rumors of there actually being a Hannukah mascot, one "Hannukah Harry" (overheard in a dentist office waiting room). I don't know what Hannukah Harry's deal is, but I imagine a bearded man wearing red carrying an overly large purse showing up in your house, handing you a gift and going, "Here you go, kid. Merry Hannukah. Oi I double parked I gotta run!

There's also the original Hannukah mascot, Judas Maccabeus. Problem: Nobody cares about him. Yes, he beat up some gnocchi-chewing Greeks and made the trains run on time, but that doesn't cut it. I mean, if we're going to celebrate people who beat the shit out of the Greeks, we're gonna have a ton of holidays all of a sudden.

Besides, Judas Maccabeus just doesn't work from a marketing standpoint. Santa Claus works. Three syllables, easy to pronounce, vaguely European. Judas Maccabeus is clumsy and hard to spell. Plus you can't shorten it, because then you just have Judas and there goes all your Christian customers!

That leaves Adam Sandler as the final option.

You know what? Forget point 5. It's hopeless.

6. Get some new mythologies. This is perhaps the crucial point of them all. Christmas started, well, it was conceived as a pagan holiday meshed with Jesus Jesusin' it up. But that got boring, so the papists decided to add in shit like eggnog and Santa Claus and Charlie Brown. Voila, now it's not just Jesus, but also a shitload of mutants, monsters and bizarre traditions. Separately, they can't carry a holiday, but together they combine to make an awesome pie called Christmas.

So far, the only story about Hannukah is, well, Judas Maccabeus beating up some Greeks and then somehow nobody blows out the candles for seven days. Well la de freakin' da. If the Jews weren't going to build on that, why'd they bother?

They need to freshen it up somehow. Come up with a newer story. Not a retelling of the original Hannukah, but a story that people will go, "That didn't offend me. I think I'll watch it next year and make it a tradition. Oh whoops I'm having cardiac arrest never mind!

There have been some attempts at this, but they've all fallen flat. The one that's most notable to me is the "Rugrats" Hannukah special. I can't remember how they changed the story so that Baby Judas Maccabeus does not slaughter Baby Greeks, but I believe it was something really really horrible (really, the Rugrats" Hannukah special was a fucking farce and abomination even probably to Jews. Oh by the way, there's also a Rugrats Passover special. Don't even ask how they explained away the first-born son plague thing. My god.). Needless to say, it hasn't resonated at all.

Adam Sandler came up with a Hannukah movie, Eight Crazy Nights. It too was a flop, precisely because it was stupid. It didn't need to be animated, first of all, and second of all it was basically one giant gross-out film with Hannukah kinda fumbling around in the background with its flie open and it's all confused and oh god Hannukah someone make him sit down before he embarrasses us all!

Hannukah needs something of a rebranding, an update, something to draw in the kids and keep them interested into adulthood. I don't know how exactly this can be done as I am a lowly gentile with only a 5% stake in the world of acting, but there has to be some story that can be written up and centered around Hannukah to make it seem cool.

7. There is no seven. What did you think this was, HANNUKER?

Well that's my unsolicited advice for the Chosen People. Obviously, a ton of work needs to be done to make Hannukah a competitor, but given a few centuries and the total extermination of every last vestige of Christianity, it just might be ready for prime time one day.

That is... unless.......



OUR LADY OF GUADALUPE DAY BEATS THEM TO IT!!!!!(!!!!!!!!!)!

Der Komissar's Kristmas

Huntington is a pretty cool place. And by cool I mean not terribly remarkable. There's main street that has a lot of local places, including (when I last counted) three pizza joints. Wait, hold on......... yeah, three that I know of.

But, when December rolls around, there is one place that immediately captures everyone's attention. Everyone who wanders nearby, that is:


If you look closely, behind the black car, you'll see-- no no, the black car in the middle. Anyway, you'll see a store (hopefully). It's-- no, a bit to the left, see? Yeah that one. What? No look, see, look closely. If you look closely and have not been blinded, that's a Union Jack on the signage. Yes, for god's sake THAT ONE. NOW SHUT UP.

Anyway, that's what I call the Union Jack Store. I have no idea what it sells because I've never been on that side of the street. And it's a fairly nondescript place 11 months out of the year.

But in December, this lonely little shop does something amazing: it BLASTS Christmas music. You can hear it half a block away. And during Christmastime, Union Jack becomes Der Komissar.

Huntington's main street is usually traffic-ridden, but the traffic lights are such that when the nearby lights turn red, very few cars are around. So the street becomes quiet. And there's that store, droning its Christmas music on.

As far as I can tell, it prefers more traditional fare, such as Bing, Perry and Frank. One day it was playing some Glo though, which was neat but unfortunately her Christmas work isn't that good.

The effect is, to say the least, somewhat eerie. If you're the only person walking around, even if there are cars and other signs of life and shit, it makes you feel like you're the last person on earth, and all you have for company is a goddamn talking building. There are no other decorations, no lights, no candy canes, no Santas, not even a Kwanzaa candelabra (I used to know what it was called but, sadly, that has vanished).

Why is it called Der Komissar? It reminds me of those old anti-Soviet propaganda pieces of the Russo-American "friendship centers" that would theoretically pop up in an America conquered by THE REDS. The point of such centers is to blast friendly propaganda at everyone over a loudspeaker, endlessly looping non-threatening but vaguely threatening messages telling everyone to not resist. I'm 40% sure this popped up in Red Dawn. Someone look it up for me.

So here's Der Komissar, relentlessly singing at people, telling them to cheer up. When there's a lot of noise and movement, the sound gets drowned out, but when nobody's nearby, you can hear it clear as day. The sounds of Perry Como singing about how awesome the birth of Jesus echoing all over a mostly empty street is somewhat unsettling. But it's cool in it's own way.

I imagine cities like New York are filled with Der Komissars, lined up next to each other, shrieking Christmas muzak at you in an attempt to make you SMILE, DAMN YOU, IT'S CHRISTMASTIME WHY AREN'T YOU SMILING??? I can't imagine anything more revolting.

The only other analogue is being in a mall during Christmas shopping. Roosevelt Field is the only place I've done this in, and the feeling is neat, but you can barely hear the music over the bustle and shit. But the effect is more positive. When you pick up the BGM, that and the activity combine to rev you up and get you ready to consume shit.

Here, though, it's entirely unique. It's just your ears and Der Komissar, and all Der Komissar has is his lonely Christmas tunes. I don't know what Der Komissar hopes to gain from it. I don't think it boosts its sales of whatever it's selling. Maybe, though, it's just Der Komissar's way of telling everyone to just chill the fuck out this (and every) Christmas by lulling you to sleep. It's reminding us that even through the happy muzak, there's still a pervasive loneliness that strikes millions of people this time of year. This, perhaps more than most other things, is the true meaning of Christmas: that brainless music and bright lights are not real, are not human and are not healthy.

But when you're walking alone down mainstreet and you come within earshot of Der Komissar, there he is singing at you with the old songs, letting you know that, yes, it always used to be this way and that, yes, it's okay to feel normal this time of year, because on Dec. 26, Der Komissar turns back into Union Jack, but you'll still be there, and now the streets will be completely silent, so at least try to absorb what joy you can.

Before Christmas is through, I will go into Der Komissar and see if I can learn anything more about this. With any luck, I will not be captured and brainwashed into a filthy, stinking RED. Or a LIMEY. WHATEVER. I HAVE MY EYE ON YOU, DER KOMISSAR.

I shall make your heart pound until you cry blood

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=ubfWnIid5J8

This is why I don't like girls who LOVE PARTYING. No, I am not manipulated by media images. Yes, I do think myspace is a bane on humanity. Yes, they will be rendered irrelevant by the revolutionary times we have now entered.

Or I'm old-fashioned? I dunno, I just like my bitches unflashy and down-home. Yes, that is a stereotype but everyone is a stereotype to someone else.

Substantive post to come tomorrow.

The Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs (Best of the Bad), Ever1!!! (1 was unintentional)

To all of life, there are opposites. There's joy. And pain. Sunshine. And rain. There's good and there's bad, happy and sad, tampons and pads (fuck me for bringing that up ARGH), heterosexuals and Bostonians, etc.

So to yang the yin that was the TOP 5 GREATEST CHRISTMAS SONGS EVER list, I now present you with the Top 5 WORST CHRISTMAS SONGS EVER list, scientifically and empirically decided based on how many people converted to Judaism after hearing.

Once again, in no particular order, because order is for CONFORMISTS.

5. Feliz Navidad - A janitor: There has never been a good version of this song, and it has been done a few times. The song just has an awful beat, is mostly gibberish, and worst of all, it can't be fixed. The hokey guitar grates on me. If there's a music video of it, I bet all it is is a guy falling asleep at a desk. And that is NOT a joke against Mexicans. It's very serious that they have a sleeping disorder. This song is appalling because it probably makes fun of that. DAMN YOU RACIST CHRISTMAS SONG.

4. Donde Esta Santa Claus - An anchor baby: I bet you smug reader(s) out there are saying, "Ah HA! I sense a pattern here Mr. Don't Wear My Name Out. You hate Mexicans, don't you?"

First of all, that's not true. I'm disgusted by Mexicans, but I
reserve my real hatred for Tamils. I hope the Sri Lankans murder you all!!

As for this song, it's more childish rubbish. The kid's voice is really annoying, the melody is dry as fuck, and the part where he calls out the reindeer's names in Spanish or some shit, it's just like some snotty kid yelling something about God knows what.

Listen kid, I don't have any fucking patience for you asking your mom (what's with mamacita, anyway? Why are so many Christmas songs pervy?) where Santa Claus is. He's on his way, OKAY? GO TO BED YOU LITTLE SHIT, before the next question you ask is donde esta your foot? Hint: it's up your ass.

3. All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth - Someone who should die: This song is a staple in the [name redacted] house. My dad puts on a bunch of CDs of Christmas music while we open our disappointing gifts and grouse about how empty our lives have become. What? Yeah sure dad, whatever you say :rolls eyes, puts on rock music:

Inevitably, after the Nutcracker came a CD full of "classic" Christmas songs. And this tripe would pop up sometime towards the end. Well if my Christmas hadn't sucked by then, this song would push it over the precipice.

This song is a simple diddy sang by some assclown. Either the singer is really 6-years-old or he's able to sound like it, thus making only Michael Jackson capable of covering it. But we don't need another reason to execute him, now do we?

The gist of the song is that the kid lost his two front teeth, probably by annoying the fuck out of everyone, and now he wants a new pair. I guess his parents didn't explain basic human biology, and he should know by now that new teeth come from the Tooth Fairy, not Santa Claus. That's a probatable offense there Mr. Shitty Singer.

There's nothing redeeming about the song either, the nadir being whenever he starts whistling. It's like someone poking you in the ears with tongs that have been sitting in the center of the sun.

Tell you what, kid. If you don't stop singing that song right now, next Christmas you'll be singing "All I Want for Christmas Is My Entire Lower Jaw."

2. Christmas is Coming - Ahahaha faked you out, idiots. This song rules.

2. I Saw Three Ships - Merry Ol' England: This song is an enigma, perhaps a lasting punishment rendered by our former imperial overlords, the Dutch English. It's really obscure, perhaps even moreso than the Greensleaves ripoff What Child Is This.

I have never heard a version of this song that I liked. But is it fair to say it's one of the worst? I say yes because listening to it evokes no visions of Christmas. True, there are other Christmas songs that have the same issue, but they make up for it by being good. This song is just bland, and the last thing we need on Christmas is a bland-ass song about three ships stinkin' up the joint.

Besides, what the hell is this three ships shit anyway? I know there were three kings, but ships? Hey British asshole, not everyone in the world travels on boats! Especially not in the middle of fucking Palestine!!! Try it sometime!!!

Maybe this song originally was about Columbus' voyage, as told by Carib Indians shortly before they were killed/enslaved. In that case, this song is about horrible omens and terrible fates. As if this song wasn't Christmasy enough!

1. Christmas Shoes - Some redneck jerk: I'm going to break one of my own rules. I promised not to order anything, but that doesn't go here. This is, bar none, the worst Christmas song in all of existence. Don't even fucking try to argue it or I will hunt you down and do not nice things to you. NOT NICE.

Where do I begin? Let's start with the actual song. It's some psuedo-pop country shit, so already we're starting off on the wrong foot (hyuck). Then they throw in CHILDREN SINGING. Normally that wouldn't be objectionable, but when you throw in the song's subject matter then it becomes downright satanic.

You've probably heard the story before. Some guy is in Wal-mart, trying to buy the ultimate Christmas gift (Bic razors), when some urchin in front of him in the line won't leave. He has a pair of shoes (probably made in some godforsaken Chinese sweatshop) that he wants to buy, but he hasn't stolen enough money to afford them. So we're talking some really poor-ass kid if he can't afford to buy something from a goddamn Wal-mart.

Mr. Impatient wants the kid to go away so he can go home in time to fall asleep watching It's a Wonderful Life (the singer, not the kid. The kid's too young for that film anyway). But then the kid, sensing the narrator's vulnerabilities, switches it up on him and gives him some sob story about his mom needing new shoes. Why? Because she's dying!

Okay, I'm a charitable person. Some guy's down on his luck and needs a few bucks, okay. But what the kid does is so awful, it would make Scrooge revert back to being a codger.

First of all, okay let's assume every word out of the kid's mouth is true. If so, so what? Let me put on my Dr. House Hat here for a second. Look kid, your mom is dying. She's gonna take a powder tonight. So why are you in a fucking store wasting a cashier's time haggling over a pair of fucking shoes? What if you don't get back to the ditch hospital in time? Hmmm? Now your shoes idea sounds really retarded doesn't it?

And can we be real here for a second? Where your momma's going, she don't need shoes. Those Airwalks she has on are good enough. And, okay kid I really didn't want to go there but, let's be honest. You could give her those ultra-sexy big black boots that drive my dick insane, but she's not getting any credit from Jesus with that dress on, okay?

So we've established that in the best-case scenario, the kid's just wasting his time worrying about fashion in the midst of a crisis. Perhaps he's just suffering a nervous breakdown, but that doesn't justify his actions. And don't try to guilt-trip me with your kids choir singing about MOMMY MEETING JESUS. Shut up all of you.

I'm also appalled by the narrator's actions. Not once does he question this story. First of all, where is this hospital and how did the kid get to the Wal-mart, alone? Don't give me that Macauly Culkin "dad's in the car" shit, we both know that's not true and we both know you don't eat stringbeans. So what, your dad just lets you wander over to the store, alone, on a winter night? Maybe that's why your mom's dying, because your dad is a fucking retard who gets his loved ones killed!

And what is she dying from, anyway? Any hint? Or maybe she got tired of living as a prop in some jerk's terrible Christmas song and decided to end it all.

"Oh, how could you be so mean! It's a heart-wrenching song that reminds us that family is the most important thing on Christmas!" you say to nobody because you're sitting alone in an apartment talking to a computer. And that's my fucking point, this song is NOT heartfelt. It's idiotic. The message of the song is not family is important. The message is, BUY SHIT TO IMPRESS YOUR FAMILY, EVEN WHEN THEY'RE ABOUT TO DIE. BUY THESE SHOES. BUY MY BOOK! BUY MY BOOK! BUY MY BOOK! BUY MY BOOK!

Yeah, you thought you could sneak one by me, didn't you? Well you can't. I got eyes like a hawk and the nose of a, I dunno, pigs? Do they smell well? No I know they stink you idiot, I'm asking if their olfactory capabilities are exceptionable. Go look it up for me. Anyway, the song reinforces the notion that the only way you can show love for someone is to buy them useless shit. That's dumb. You're not supposed to just buy someone random shit and say, "Here you go, fucker! I love you!" You have to buy them shit that they either a) want, b) need or c) is something that you think they might actually enjoy.

How the fuck is a dying person, perhaps comatose or delerious, going to get anything out of a fucking pair of shoes ARGGGGHHHHHH. See? The more you think about it, the more insane it gets. But they don't want you to think about it. They want you to get misty-eyed and say, "Well shucks, I better stop complaining about shit and buy people shit to say how much I love them! I better buy some plasmas!!!!" It's a consumer song, through and through, and I AM NOT A CONFORMIST :plays Nine-Inch Nails:

Okay, exhale.

And that is that. Now we can move on merrily with our lives knowing that the scourge of awful Christmas is behind us. Until the next Christmas comes and they're back on the radio again. And again the next Christmas. And the Christmas after that. And the Christmas after that. And the Christmas after that.

:weeps for humanity, fades to black:

You know I'm FAT, I'm FAT, SHAMOO

I'm taking a break from Christmas to address BIG FUCKING NEWS.

For you American cats, not the ones sitting in some gay place like Korea Boston Garden City, the Yankees signed CC (stands for Chocolate Chip) to a gazillion year, $160 million contract. This after he initially said that he wanted to play for (loo) San Francisco. It only took $20 million and an entire truck of raw pig fat to change his mind.


CC is part of the Yankees' plot to assemble the fattest pitching staff in history. With CC and JOBA RULES on the team, they are 2/5 of the way there.

We know who the two other missing ingredients are: Curt Schilling (361 lbs, mostly from playing WoW) and David Wells (13 heart attacks, heart is made of pure fat).


But who is the fifth? Word has it that the Yankees are in hot pursuit of A.J. Burnett, who is only kinda fat. Perhaps the strategy is for him to get injured and then be confined to a motorchair until he cracks 400, then he can gloriously return in the World Series, clinching it by striking out NOMAH, then suffering a multiple coronary on the mound.

Yes, people, the Yankees are going places this year. Well, not really. I mean, they'll probably be able to run a few steps before hunching over, panting, drooling a bit, then slowly falling on the ground, clutching their chest. It's gonna rock. Baseball rocks.


The HOT STOVE period has to be so much fun for reporters. ESPN's bloggers have been all over it, blogging significant updates like "GOD FUCKING DAMN THIS HOT STOVE IS QUIET SO FAR" and "OMAR MINAYA SPOTTED EMERGING FROM BATHROOM, TRACES OF URINE ON HIS PANTS... DID HE FORGET TO SHAKE???" If I ever had the chance to blog that shit, I would just run throughout the lobby screaming "HOT STOVE" until they ejected me. I can't sit still during that shit, like Election Day. I just gotta get up and move around as if it has any effect on anything at all.

With Fatty signed, though, HOT STOVE is pretty much almost over. All that's left is TEX and MANNY and some other fat people. So like all HOT STOVEs, it shines awesomely but briefly, then is snuffed out. By fat people.

But...

There's also one last domino left to fall...

...

Will the Yankees get...


HIM?????????

The top 5 best Christmas songs you'll eve find, so give up looking you fools

Christmas is the season of perpetual hope endless, hopeless advertizing, and nothing advertizes as well as a catchy tune. Most Christmas songs are unique. Unlike Klondike (heh) bar jingles, all Christmas songs have to do is advertise Christmas, and the human psyche takes care of the rest.

Unlike most jingles, though, Christmas songs tend to be at least tolerable. But what are the absolute best? Well search no more because I have the top 5 tunes of the season, in no particular order. If you try to rank these I will end you.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (Jackson 5 version ONLY!!!): The funny thing is that this song tends to suck, especially the nightmare-inducing John Mellencamp version. But the Jackson 5 hit the right note (hyuck) when they took it on, and not only is it the definitive version, but it's also a pretty fucking great song in general.

What about the song in general? The song tells of a horrible misunderstanding one Christmas Eve, when an impressionable youth witnesses his mother being ravished by Kris Kringle himself. At the time, the youth thinks that adultery is funny, but later on, when he understands what happened that terrible night, he will probably snap and hunt down his mother like the dog she is. Only then, though, will he realize what really happened that night: that Santa Claus is in fact his dad! It's like Shakespeare or some shit. Except instead of everyone dying and Fortrinbras becoming the king, everyone has eggnog and Fortrinbras gets a PlayStation.

Celebrate Me Home - Kenny Loggins: If you're ever on the road for Christmas, hopelessly lost and unable to find your way home, this is the song you want to hear, because despite its subject matter it will not depress you. It has a very cool beat and is about some guy singing about people "celebrating him home."

Now I don't know what exactly that entails. Maybe if the family celebrates hard enough, he'll be teleported Mega-Man style to your house, just in time to kill robots or have reindeer meet or whatever barbaric tradition your family engages in. But I'm not one to judge civilizations. I can judge Christmas music, however, and this one never fails to entertain. Yup.

I'll Be Home for Christmas - Peabo Bryson & Roberta Flack: Roberta Flack makes her Christmas song debut with this duet. Peabo Bryson isn't too shabby himself. In fact, he's vastly underrated in the 1980s R&B circuit. Peabo's also heavily involved in Disney, and this song is just as wholesome as Beauty & the Beast. Wait, that song's not that good... how about A Whole New World?

Peabo's Disneyness makes him more accessible, but his voice, like any good R&B singer, is pure sex. But Peabo's sex is pretty wholesome, mainly straight missionary in front of the fireplace with maybe a few peek-a-boos thrown in.

As for the song itself, it has been done many times, but every other version is bland. This one blends a nice melody with Peabo's voice. The content is at first depressing: once again, another man is stuck away from home on a depressing trip, probably in a truck. But unlike Celebrate Me Home, the man is going to take it on himself to get home in time to open up his presents and neglect the wife while watching CHRISTMAS EVE FOOTBALL FUCK YEAH.

Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime - Paul McCartney (sans Wings): Ah yes, what's Christmas without the Beatles? Actually a lot since I don't think they did much of any Christmas songs. But fuck them.

Anyway, SHaWCT (as it's officially known, pronounced sim-plee ha-ving ay wun-dur-ful chris-mus tyme) is one of Paul's forays into music that didn't involve his mind-bending Wings project. As such, I don't know who else was involved in it other than apparently a group of high people. Seriously, have you seen the video of this shit?

The song itself is kinda weird for a Christmas tune. It has something of a spooky melody and a creeping sense of dread that grows the more you listen to it. I can't really explain it, but try listening to it at Halloween and you may hear what I mean. The lyrics themselves are pretty straightforward: Paul is poor but he has friends and a ton of LSD so everything is fine fine fine! But Paul deserves kudos for trying something different with a Christmas song by injecting terror into it, and it works! So yay for England!

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things - Rod Stewart: AH HA! you think. CAUGHT YA. This isn't a Christmas song at all, you say. Well newsflash, dickmunk: all of radio thinks this is a Christmas song, so it counts. And you know what? Jingle Bells isn't technically a Christmas song either, so belt that one out in January and see what happens to you, you GODDMAN SMART ALECK.

Anyway, this song has also been done over and over again, but Rod Stewart got it right when his raspy, cancer-ridden voice got ahold of it. I dunno why he's such a great fit. Perhaps because I can imagine him stumbling around New York City, coming off a heroin binge, mumbling it to himself, and I wouldn't have any trouble doing so.

Yes, this song screams New York City. How? Because it doesn't give a fuck. Even though radio says this is a Christmas song, the material is relentlessly unChristmas. Unlike Jingle Bells, which cops out by including sleighbells and shit, this song is played as a straight up jazz song with all the flair you can find in mid-1990s Madison Ave. New York. We're talking some really hoity-toity shit.

And in some way, it is a throwback to an earlier time, with Stewart singing about all the fine things that only a bored rich person would find fascinating (I mean, come on, whiskers on kittens? This guy clearly doens't give a fuck).

Honorable mentions: There are plenty of other good Christmas songs but sorry, assholes, you don't make the cut. But not to hurt their pwecious wiw feewings, here's a brief list of other state-approved Christmas muzak:

O Holy Night - Charlotte Church or Kenny G (actually, anything Christmas that's Kenny G related is cool)*
Anything from the Nightmare Before Christmas Soundtrack (yes, even Oogey Boogey Song)
We Three Kings of Orient Are - Mannheim Steamroller
Last Christmas - Wham
Do You Hear What I Hear? - WHITNEY!
Merry Christmas Darling - The Carpenters
Some other shit that escapes me now

Now go home.

Things I don't understand: A Charlie Brown Christmas

Now what the hell is this? Charlie Brown is one of the best comic strips ever made, and that's really saying something. Or maybe not. Anyway, as such, someone decided that the best thing to do with a comic strip about a loser is to make a TV show about it. And then, inevitably, a TV special.

A Charlie Brown Christmas was made back in the days when TV producers gave a shit about making programming that was approaching decency. In this case, someone decided to throw together the futile existence of Charlie Brown and the Bible and a semi-repudiation of the consumer culture. You will never, ever, ever fucking see anything like this on TV ever again.

This shit shouldn't even get off the ground! The premise of the special is that the school (presumably public) is having a Christmas-only pageant. Either Charlie Brown's town is chin-deep in WASPland, USA (ahem, Martha's Vineyard) or they took care of all the non-Protestant kids surreptitiously. Perhaps they were sent on a... learning pogrom....

To top that PTA nightmare-in-the-making off, they decided to make Charlie Brown the director. Charlie Brown. I thought it was understood that Charlie Brown's ineptness was an open secret but I guess not!!! I can see him as a producer, or maybe art director, or hell, make him a grip for God's sake. But you let the clod be the DIRECTOR? Uwe Boll would've been more qualified. Especially if he included more explosions and gunshots and a scene were Uwe Boll is executed.

But anyway, Chuck has to direct, and naturally he's freaking out over it. Lucy Van Pelt, ever a tease as always (AHEM, READERS), attempts to induce a panic attack and subsequent nervous breakdown by declaring that Charlie Brown has pantophobia (the fear of everything), but it doesn't work because psychology is a LIE.

DO YOU HEAR ME MATT LAUER? PSYCHOLOGY IS A LIE!!!!!!

This is insane and I should be killed. So when Chuck tries to take control of this shitshow, everyone decides to go and do their own thing. Namely by dancing. Imagine the whitest dancing ever in the history of mankind. Now imagine that not even being white enough, and you'll have a decent picture of what happens at this point.

Who's surprised that Lucy, Sally and Snoopy won't listen? When he tries to inspire them by discussing the historic implications of Jesus Christ being born, it natually fails, because 8-year-olds don't give a shit about Jesus Christ their SAVIOUR. That was your first mistake, Chuck. Well, no, your first mistake was being born. The second was playing football with Lucy. The third was not pursuing a life of crime by robbing beggars and cashiers before going down in a blaze of glory after botching a Wal-mart heist. (Hint: do not try to rob the gun section.)

Linus, a true sperg case if there ever was one, suggests getting a Christmas tree to get everyone focused. Because when people think of the Nativity, they of course think of Christmas trees. Why not suggest candy canes while you're at it, Rhodes Scholar?

Violet's not dancing. She's very obviously high as a fucking kite here.

Where are those fucking drums coming from, anyway? Chuck and Linus go search for a tree. After wandering through a forest of horrifying purely-aluminum monstrosities, they find the only natural tree left. And of course, it's shit. And not the "look all the way around, oh hey look at this half of it is dead. You're trying to put one over on me, are you? Don't give me that fucking look we both know what's going on here. You're trying to rip me off here. Well guess what? I have a zippo right here, you wanna bet I can hold you down long enough to burn your face off? You don't show me a real tree, we're gonna find out" kind of shit, but it's literally just a branch stuck on a base. I guess Peanuts really does take place in some backwoods WASP hellhole.

Needless to say, when they return with their gay little tree (that they probably stole, not that anyone would care), they're laughed off the stage (irony alert: everyone laughs themselves off the stage instead!!!!). While the cast and crew continue to laugh at Chuck and Linus' expense (and get blown out of their minds on some goofballs in the basement), Linus decides to drop some Bible knowledge and quote verbatum the Christmas story. I think it's Luke. Someone look it up for me. Now.

DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, JUST DO IT.

If you could be any insect in the world, which would you be? After that rousing... story, Chuck decides that he now knows the true meaning of Christmas: being born in some godforsaken manger. Unfortunately for him, that's not possible. But what is possible is that he can drag his ass home and decorate his tree branch, which he does. Then the branch dies. Or did it ever live to begin with?

Chuck is facing a terrible depressionary downspiral. Before he can find his solace in the sweet embrace of a line of heroin, though, the gang show up and spruce the tree up, turning it from an abomination to a tree that's pretty good but needs more tinsel. Then they serenade him with some Christmas music, it snows, the credits roll and you wake up.

But... REARRY? I think this is too simple an explanation. We have to consider the outrageous impossibility that a) everyone got done tweaking at the school at that quickly and b) that they could transform a branch into a full-fledged tree after only a few seconds of literal handwavery and c) they could sing a perfect Hark! The Herald Angels Sing WITH unseen musical accompaniment. No, I posit that this indeed is not what happened. But then, what did?

Clearly the answer is Chuck had a psychotic break. To protect his mind from totally losing it, he summoned a hallucination born only of the most extreme denial of his circumstances. That's the only rational explanation. That Christmas Eve ended with him singing all by himself in front of a dead branch (that he personally murdered), believing that everyone had come to join him. His parents (or the authorities) will find him still belting out Christmas tunes, and he'll sing all the way to the psychiatric facilities at Nantucket.

Yes, Charlie Brown, this is the best Christmas you'll ever have!!!

The verdict: A Charlie Brown Christmas is a cautionary tale. Do not give screwups too much responsibility on Christmas, lest they go insane (and fuck up a pretty expensive off-Broadway production). Sure, we all love the music and the opening sequence of Charlie Brown being slammed into the title card and then buried under snow to suffer a cold, humiliating, lonely death, and Snoopy's laugh is still the standard for the sound you play in your head when you see someone do something utterly retarded, but beware of the larger message. Christmas is gay if you don't handle it right.

Oh, and also Jesus was born and there's a sheep and goat in the manger but not a herding dog? Don't think we didn't notice that, Bible.