The Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs (Best of the Bad), Ever1!!! (1 was unintentional)

To all of life, there are opposites. There's joy. And pain. Sunshine. And rain. There's good and there's bad, happy and sad, tampons and pads (fuck me for bringing that up ARGH), heterosexuals and Bostonians, etc.

So to yang the yin that was the TOP 5 GREATEST CHRISTMAS SONGS EVER list, I now present you with the Top 5 WORST CHRISTMAS SONGS EVER list, scientifically and empirically decided based on how many people converted to Judaism after hearing.

Once again, in no particular order, because order is for CONFORMISTS.

5. Feliz Navidad - A janitor: There has never been a good version of this song, and it has been done a few times. The song just has an awful beat, is mostly gibberish, and worst of all, it can't be fixed. The hokey guitar grates on me. If there's a music video of it, I bet all it is is a guy falling asleep at a desk. And that is NOT a joke against Mexicans. It's very serious that they have a sleeping disorder. This song is appalling because it probably makes fun of that. DAMN YOU RACIST CHRISTMAS SONG.

4. Donde Esta Santa Claus - An anchor baby: I bet you smug reader(s) out there are saying, "Ah HA! I sense a pattern here Mr. Don't Wear My Name Out. You hate Mexicans, don't you?"

First of all, that's not true. I'm disgusted by Mexicans, but I
reserve my real hatred for Tamils. I hope the Sri Lankans murder you all!!

As for this song, it's more childish rubbish. The kid's voice is really annoying, the melody is dry as fuck, and the part where he calls out the reindeer's names in Spanish or some shit, it's just like some snotty kid yelling something about God knows what.

Listen kid, I don't have any fucking patience for you asking your mom (what's with mamacita, anyway? Why are so many Christmas songs pervy?) where Santa Claus is. He's on his way, OKAY? GO TO BED YOU LITTLE SHIT, before the next question you ask is donde esta your foot? Hint: it's up your ass.

3. All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth - Someone who should die: This song is a staple in the [name redacted] house. My dad puts on a bunch of CDs of Christmas music while we open our disappointing gifts and grouse about how empty our lives have become. What? Yeah sure dad, whatever you say :rolls eyes, puts on rock music:

Inevitably, after the Nutcracker came a CD full of "classic" Christmas songs. And this tripe would pop up sometime towards the end. Well if my Christmas hadn't sucked by then, this song would push it over the precipice.

This song is a simple diddy sang by some assclown. Either the singer is really 6-years-old or he's able to sound like it, thus making only Michael Jackson capable of covering it. But we don't need another reason to execute him, now do we?

The gist of the song is that the kid lost his two front teeth, probably by annoying the fuck out of everyone, and now he wants a new pair. I guess his parents didn't explain basic human biology, and he should know by now that new teeth come from the Tooth Fairy, not Santa Claus. That's a probatable offense there Mr. Shitty Singer.

There's nothing redeeming about the song either, the nadir being whenever he starts whistling. It's like someone poking you in the ears with tongs that have been sitting in the center of the sun.

Tell you what, kid. If you don't stop singing that song right now, next Christmas you'll be singing "All I Want for Christmas Is My Entire Lower Jaw."

2. Christmas is Coming - Ahahaha faked you out, idiots. This song rules.

2. I Saw Three Ships - Merry Ol' England: This song is an enigma, perhaps a lasting punishment rendered by our former imperial overlords, the Dutch English. It's really obscure, perhaps even moreso than the Greensleaves ripoff What Child Is This.

I have never heard a version of this song that I liked. But is it fair to say it's one of the worst? I say yes because listening to it evokes no visions of Christmas. True, there are other Christmas songs that have the same issue, but they make up for it by being good. This song is just bland, and the last thing we need on Christmas is a bland-ass song about three ships stinkin' up the joint.

Besides, what the hell is this three ships shit anyway? I know there were three kings, but ships? Hey British asshole, not everyone in the world travels on boats! Especially not in the middle of fucking Palestine!!! Try it sometime!!!

Maybe this song originally was about Columbus' voyage, as told by Carib Indians shortly before they were killed/enslaved. In that case, this song is about horrible omens and terrible fates. As if this song wasn't Christmasy enough!

1. Christmas Shoes - Some redneck jerk: I'm going to break one of my own rules. I promised not to order anything, but that doesn't go here. This is, bar none, the worst Christmas song in all of existence. Don't even fucking try to argue it or I will hunt you down and do not nice things to you. NOT NICE.

Where do I begin? Let's start with the actual song. It's some psuedo-pop country shit, so already we're starting off on the wrong foot (hyuck). Then they throw in CHILDREN SINGING. Normally that wouldn't be objectionable, but when you throw in the song's subject matter then it becomes downright satanic.

You've probably heard the story before. Some guy is in Wal-mart, trying to buy the ultimate Christmas gift (Bic razors), when some urchin in front of him in the line won't leave. He has a pair of shoes (probably made in some godforsaken Chinese sweatshop) that he wants to buy, but he hasn't stolen enough money to afford them. So we're talking some really poor-ass kid if he can't afford to buy something from a goddamn Wal-mart.

Mr. Impatient wants the kid to go away so he can go home in time to fall asleep watching It's a Wonderful Life (the singer, not the kid. The kid's too young for that film anyway). But then the kid, sensing the narrator's vulnerabilities, switches it up on him and gives him some sob story about his mom needing new shoes. Why? Because she's dying!

Okay, I'm a charitable person. Some guy's down on his luck and needs a few bucks, okay. But what the kid does is so awful, it would make Scrooge revert back to being a codger.

First of all, okay let's assume every word out of the kid's mouth is true. If so, so what? Let me put on my Dr. House Hat here for a second. Look kid, your mom is dying. She's gonna take a powder tonight. So why are you in a fucking store wasting a cashier's time haggling over a pair of fucking shoes? What if you don't get back to the ditch hospital in time? Hmmm? Now your shoes idea sounds really retarded doesn't it?

And can we be real here for a second? Where your momma's going, she don't need shoes. Those Airwalks she has on are good enough. And, okay kid I really didn't want to go there but, let's be honest. You could give her those ultra-sexy big black boots that drive my dick insane, but she's not getting any credit from Jesus with that dress on, okay?

So we've established that in the best-case scenario, the kid's just wasting his time worrying about fashion in the midst of a crisis. Perhaps he's just suffering a nervous breakdown, but that doesn't justify his actions. And don't try to guilt-trip me with your kids choir singing about MOMMY MEETING JESUS. Shut up all of you.

I'm also appalled by the narrator's actions. Not once does he question this story. First of all, where is this hospital and how did the kid get to the Wal-mart, alone? Don't give me that Macauly Culkin "dad's in the car" shit, we both know that's not true and we both know you don't eat stringbeans. So what, your dad just lets you wander over to the store, alone, on a winter night? Maybe that's why your mom's dying, because your dad is a fucking retard who gets his loved ones killed!

And what is she dying from, anyway? Any hint? Or maybe she got tired of living as a prop in some jerk's terrible Christmas song and decided to end it all.

"Oh, how could you be so mean! It's a heart-wrenching song that reminds us that family is the most important thing on Christmas!" you say to nobody because you're sitting alone in an apartment talking to a computer. And that's my fucking point, this song is NOT heartfelt. It's idiotic. The message of the song is not family is important. The message is, BUY SHIT TO IMPRESS YOUR FAMILY, EVEN WHEN THEY'RE ABOUT TO DIE. BUY THESE SHOES. BUY MY BOOK! BUY MY BOOK! BUY MY BOOK! BUY MY BOOK!

Yeah, you thought you could sneak one by me, didn't you? Well you can't. I got eyes like a hawk and the nose of a, I dunno, pigs? Do they smell well? No I know they stink you idiot, I'm asking if their olfactory capabilities are exceptionable. Go look it up for me. Anyway, the song reinforces the notion that the only way you can show love for someone is to buy them useless shit. That's dumb. You're not supposed to just buy someone random shit and say, "Here you go, fucker! I love you!" You have to buy them shit that they either a) want, b) need or c) is something that you think they might actually enjoy.

How the fuck is a dying person, perhaps comatose or delerious, going to get anything out of a fucking pair of shoes ARGGGGHHHHHH. See? The more you think about it, the more insane it gets. But they don't want you to think about it. They want you to get misty-eyed and say, "Well shucks, I better stop complaining about shit and buy people shit to say how much I love them! I better buy some plasmas!!!!" It's a consumer song, through and through, and I AM NOT A CONFORMIST :plays Nine-Inch Nails:

Okay, exhale.

And that is that. Now we can move on merrily with our lives knowing that the scourge of awful Christmas is behind us. Until the next Christmas comes and they're back on the radio again. And again the next Christmas. And the Christmas after that. And the Christmas after that. And the Christmas after that.

:weeps for humanity, fades to black: