'Tis the season to feel sorry for the Jews. Yes, Hannukah (or Chanukah, pronounced :clear throat: :cough up phlegm:-ah), is soon upon us. Sunday night in fact.
I was never a Jew growing up so I don't quite know how the kinder feel about the holiday. So putting my mutt-guinea popish self in their shoes, I imagine it sucks massive amounts of cock. But it is circumcised cock so it is at least approved by the AMA.
I've tried to think of analogies where the Jews get something cool and the gentiles have to do without, but I'm coming up empty. There's Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashannah, but I think Yom Kippur is more of a bummer holiday and Rosh Hashannah is the new year. Which is retarded because the Jews at in the 5xth century and they still haven't developed flying cars. Also New Year's is on Dec. 31, and I'm taking off for that day, so it's a stalemate.
There's Passover, but Passover is overtaken by Easter, plus it had a really stupid and gay Rugrats special and the only movie that's really applicable to it is filled with Christian sentiment anyway so once again gentiles win.
There is Purim but I have no idea what it's about and you don't get off for it anyway so it doesn't count.
That leaves Hannukah. Now for some reason, the Jews got greedy (heh) and wanted to have SEVEN days of celebration instead of just one. Oh, clever Jews, think you can out-fun Christmas?
I'm not at all inclined to think that Jewkids have that much fun over Hannukah. They don't even get off for school, so already that's a bummer, and it's so clearly outlcassed by Christmas (Christmas songs to Hannukah songs, in ratio form: 174,961:-15) that it might as well not even try.
But I'm nothing if not helpful, so here are a few tips to make Hannukah more competitive against Christmas and maybe, maybe make it even cooler than Boxing Day:
1. Don't do this whole give-a-gift-a-night shit. Just because you celebrate it over seven days doesn't mean you have to rip off Christmas every day. It's just poor form. Also, Elmo taught us that Christmas every day is actually really shitty, so don't do it.
What makes a holiday really awesome is anticipation, not consummation. Well, not always consummation. Unless you're talking about banging your favorite Boston broad, then consummation is always awesome.
But anyway, yeah, Christmas rocks because up until Christmas Eve, if you're 5 years old or a manchild, you're just waiting for Santa to do his shit and voila, a PlayStation under the tree. You just can't stop thinking about how awesome that PlayStation will be, and by proxy everything else about the holiday rocks, because something awesome is coming.
Hannukah spoils it by dribbling out the gifts over seven days. Christmas anticipation climaxes perfectly on Christmas morning, when you dig into your loot in one magnificent orgy of HOLY FUCK IT'S WRECKING CREW FFFFFFFFFFFFFUCCCCCCCKKKKK MY ASSSSSSSSSS YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS (actual quote from the [redacted house, circa 1988]. It's like puttin the bone on your woman all night.
But here's how the Hannukids do it: oh boy Harvey, here's your one gift tonight! Yay! It's Ridge Racer! But we haven't given you the PlayStation yet, so you get to fucking stare at it for up to six more days! Happy Hannukah! Harvey, wait, put the gun down Harvey! Harvey we can talk about this! Harvey! Harvey oh god no!
Imagine puttin the bone to your woman, except after a couple of thrusts she goes, okay Harvey! You have to wait until tomorrow night to continue!
Or what if you have this incredible buffet, but instead of piling up donuts and shit on your plate, the guy goes, "Okay, you can have a donut and some asparagus. Then tomorrow you can have another donut and a fig!" Well that's a fucking waste.
The first thing they have to do is make all the gifts come out on one day, preferably the final day because, duh, you save the best for last. You can keep the seven days, that doesn't mean anything. Christmas lasts 148 days after all. But you have to have a climax. Holidays aren't like "Lost," where you sit around for five years waiting for something to happen, slowly losing interest. They're a "Fish Police," one episode of unfettered glory before vanishing overnight.
2. Get some fucking ornaments forChrist's Judas Maccabeus' sake. As far as I know, there are three Hannukah decorations: the Menorah, the Hannukah bush and some giant fucking dreidels. It's pretty clear that after the Menorah, they just stopped trying.
Okay. The Hannukah bush.
What the fuck is this shit? Even the Jews realize that this is a sham. Hey, you know what we call Hannukah bushes in our house? MINI CHRISTMAS TREES. I HAVE ONE IN MY ROOM. IT LIGHTS UP AND HAS THE BLESSED VIRGIN MARY ON IT IN ORNAMENT FORM. SAINTS BE PRAISED! :sign of the cross:
The H-bush is so lowly that it's confined pretty much only to American and Canuck households, which is extremely appropriate.
As for the dreidel, enough. It's a top, that's all it is.
I don't know what ornaments Hannukah could use, as the Christofascists have gobbled up not only anything religiously symbolic, but anything that symbolizes winter itself. Maybe they can try a totally different motif. How about instead of having wintery symbols, they take aquatic symbols? Build a molluskman! Have some gingerbread orcas! Decorate the walls with mini squids! Shit, I'm just throwing out ideas here, you're the ones who fell behind the Christians!
3. Speaking of dreidels, come up with some shit that's actually fun. The dreidel is a cute diversion but it's clearly unable to carry a holiday. Simply put, the dreidel is not ready for prime time. Even Easter's lowly Cadbury egg is more fun than the dreidel.
Okay, I get it, you spin it and if you get pong or something, you win some fake chocolate gold coins. Way to combat the stereotypes, by the way. Wow, I can play this game all of three times before it gets terminally boring.
The dreidel doesn't have to be retired, but it has to be sent to a supporting role. But what should take over? I have no clue, but the options are a little more open as Christians have pretty much locked into the whole open gifts -> drink eggnog -> hit the road -> wrap car around tree routine. Maybe the Jews can try fireworks?
But, July 4th has fireworks! Yes but July 4 is seven months away. And we don't really have enough fireworks holidays. This is where Hannukah can really put its mark down. The motif is already there, after all. Festival of Lights, well, where are the fucking lights? Launch a shitload of bottle rockets and those zippy spinny things that dance around the backyard and fly up into someone's clothing and burn them to death. Also make sure to plant Roman candles in the street and light them when someone's driving near, you fucking prick YOU CAN KILL SOMEONE DOING THAT. Oh and let's not forget the classic M-80 at 4 a.m. Fuck yeah I love being jostled out of sleep. Love it.
In keeping with point 1, they can make night six fireworks night and put up a massive fireworks show. And then they can wind it down with some jumping jacks and those black snakes. Holy shit this is such a great idea I'm patenting it now.
4. Get some songs already. If it weren't for Adam Sandler or my 5th gradeChristmas Winter concert, there would be precisely zero Christmas songs I'd be aware of. That's unforgivable. The Jews already have a few ditties under their belt, and they own 95% of the entertainment industry, this should be easy as latkes.
But no, there's a dearth of it. And the only mainstream Hannukah song is a twice-reprised comedy ditty. You can't even fill a subway ride with Hannukah music.
This is simply a matter of a lack creativity and will. I don't see why they don't understand that a great soundtrack is crucial to making a good holiday. It's why Easter really is a drag, but that's an entirely different story (altogether).
5. Mascots wanted. Once again, the Christians have the mascot market cornered. First of all, you can't top Jesus. Well you can, actually, especially if you deny his divinity LIKE A HERETIC. Okay, fine, but you can't top Santa Claus. Nobody denies his divinity after all. Then there's Frosty, Rudolph, Scrooge, the Grinch, Chevy Chase... there's hardly a place a Jew can look to to find a mascot.
I have heard rumors of there actually being a Hannukah mascot, one "Hannukah Harry" (overheard in a dentist office waiting room). I don't know what Hannukah Harry's deal is, but I imagine a bearded man wearing red carrying an overly large purse showing up in your house, handing you a gift and going, "Here you go, kid. Merry Hannukah. Oi I double parked I gotta run!
There's also the original Hannukah mascot, Judas Maccabeus. Problem: Nobody cares about him. Yes, he beat up some gnocchi-chewing Greeks and made the trains run on time, but that doesn't cut it. I mean, if we're going to celebrate people who beat the shit out of the Greeks, we're gonna have a ton of holidays all of a sudden.
Besides, Judas Maccabeus just doesn't work from a marketing standpoint. Santa Claus works. Three syllables, easy to pronounce, vaguely European. Judas Maccabeus is clumsy and hard to spell. Plus you can't shorten it, because then you just have Judas and there goes all your Christian customers!
That leaves Adam Sandler as the final option.
You know what? Forget point 5. It's hopeless.
6. Get some new mythologies. This is perhaps the crucial point of them all. Christmas started, well, it was conceived as a pagan holiday meshed with Jesus Jesusin' it up. But that got boring, so the papists decided to add in shit like eggnog and Santa Claus and Charlie Brown. Voila, now it's not just Jesus, but also a shitload of mutants, monsters and bizarre traditions. Separately, they can't carry a holiday, but together they combine to make an awesome pie called Christmas.
So far, the only story about Hannukah is, well, Judas Maccabeus beating up some Greeks and then somehow nobody blows out the candles for seven days. Well la de freakin' da. If the Jews weren't going to build on that, why'd they bother?
They need to freshen it up somehow. Come up with a newer story. Not a retelling of the original Hannukah, but a story that people will go, "That didn't offend me. I think I'll watch it next year and make it a tradition. Oh whoops I'm having cardiac arrest never mind!
There have been some attempts at this, but they've all fallen flat. The one that's most notable to me is the "Rugrats" Hannukah special. I can't remember how they changed the story so that Baby Judas Maccabeus does not slaughter Baby Greeks, but I believe it was something really really horrible (really, the Rugrats" Hannukah special was a fucking farce and abomination even probably to Jews. Oh by the way, there's also a Rugrats Passover special. Don't even ask how they explained away the first-born son plague thing. My god.). Needless to say, it hasn't resonated at all.
Adam Sandler came up with a Hannukah movie, Eight Crazy Nights. It too was a flop, precisely because it was stupid. It didn't need to be animated, first of all, and second of all it was basically one giant gross-out film with Hannukah kinda fumbling around in the background with its flie open and it's all confused and oh god Hannukah someone make him sit down before he embarrasses us all!
Hannukah needs something of a rebranding, an update, something to draw in the kids and keep them interested into adulthood. I don't know how exactly this can be done as I am a lowly gentile with only a 5% stake in the world of acting, but there has to be some story that can be written up and centered around Hannukah to make it seem cool.
7. There is no seven. What did you think this was, HANNUKER?
Well that's my unsolicited advice for the Chosen People. Obviously, a ton of work needs to be done to make Hannukah a competitor, but given a few centuries and the total extermination of every last vestige of Christianity, it just might be ready for prime time one day.
That is... unless.......
OUR LADY OF GUADALUPE DAY BEATS THEM TO IT!!!!!(!!!!!!!!!)!
I was never a Jew growing up so I don't quite know how the kinder feel about the holiday. So putting my mutt-guinea popish self in their shoes, I imagine it sucks massive amounts of cock. But it is circumcised cock so it is at least approved by the AMA.
I've tried to think of analogies where the Jews get something cool and the gentiles have to do without, but I'm coming up empty. There's Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashannah, but I think Yom Kippur is more of a bummer holiday and Rosh Hashannah is the new year. Which is retarded because the Jews at in the 5xth century and they still haven't developed flying cars. Also New Year's is on Dec. 31, and I'm taking off for that day, so it's a stalemate.
There's Passover, but Passover is overtaken by Easter, plus it had a really stupid and gay Rugrats special and the only movie that's really applicable to it is filled with Christian sentiment anyway so once again gentiles win.
There is Purim but I have no idea what it's about and you don't get off for it anyway so it doesn't count.
That leaves Hannukah. Now for some reason, the Jews got greedy (heh) and wanted to have SEVEN days of celebration instead of just one. Oh, clever Jews, think you can out-fun Christmas?
I'm not at all inclined to think that Jewkids have that much fun over Hannukah. They don't even get off for school, so already that's a bummer, and it's so clearly outlcassed by Christmas (Christmas songs to Hannukah songs, in ratio form: 174,961:-15) that it might as well not even try.
But I'm nothing if not helpful, so here are a few tips to make Hannukah more competitive against Christmas and maybe, maybe make it even cooler than Boxing Day:
1. Don't do this whole give-a-gift-a-night shit. Just because you celebrate it over seven days doesn't mean you have to rip off Christmas every day. It's just poor form. Also, Elmo taught us that Christmas every day is actually really shitty, so don't do it.
What makes a holiday really awesome is anticipation, not consummation. Well, not always consummation. Unless you're talking about banging your favorite Boston broad, then consummation is always awesome.
But anyway, yeah, Christmas rocks because up until Christmas Eve, if you're 5 years old or a manchild, you're just waiting for Santa to do his shit and voila, a PlayStation under the tree. You just can't stop thinking about how awesome that PlayStation will be, and by proxy everything else about the holiday rocks, because something awesome is coming.
Hannukah spoils it by dribbling out the gifts over seven days. Christmas anticipation climaxes perfectly on Christmas morning, when you dig into your loot in one magnificent orgy of HOLY FUCK IT'S WRECKING CREW FFFFFFFFFFFFFUCCCCCCCKKKKK MY ASSSSSSSSSS YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS (actual quote from the [redacted house, circa 1988]. It's like puttin the bone on your woman all night.
But here's how the Hannukids do it: oh boy Harvey, here's your one gift tonight! Yay! It's Ridge Racer! But we haven't given you the PlayStation yet, so you get to fucking stare at it for up to six more days! Happy Hannukah! Harvey, wait, put the gun down Harvey! Harvey we can talk about this! Harvey! Harvey oh god no!
Imagine puttin the bone to your woman, except after a couple of thrusts she goes, okay Harvey! You have to wait until tomorrow night to continue!
Or what if you have this incredible buffet, but instead of piling up donuts and shit on your plate, the guy goes, "Okay, you can have a donut and some asparagus. Then tomorrow you can have another donut and a fig!" Well that's a fucking waste.
The first thing they have to do is make all the gifts come out on one day, preferably the final day because, duh, you save the best for last. You can keep the seven days, that doesn't mean anything. Christmas lasts 148 days after all. But you have to have a climax. Holidays aren't like "Lost," where you sit around for five years waiting for something to happen, slowly losing interest. They're a "Fish Police," one episode of unfettered glory before vanishing overnight.
2. Get some fucking ornaments for
Okay. The Hannukah bush.
What the fuck is this shit? Even the Jews realize that this is a sham. Hey, you know what we call Hannukah bushes in our house? MINI CHRISTMAS TREES. I HAVE ONE IN MY ROOM. IT LIGHTS UP AND HAS THE BLESSED VIRGIN MARY ON IT IN ORNAMENT FORM. SAINTS BE PRAISED! :sign of the cross:
The H-bush is so lowly that it's confined pretty much only to American and Canuck households, which is extremely appropriate.
As for the dreidel, enough. It's a top, that's all it is.
I don't know what ornaments Hannukah could use, as the Christofascists have gobbled up not only anything religiously symbolic, but anything that symbolizes winter itself. Maybe they can try a totally different motif. How about instead of having wintery symbols, they take aquatic symbols? Build a molluskman! Have some gingerbread orcas! Decorate the walls with mini squids! Shit, I'm just throwing out ideas here, you're the ones who fell behind the Christians!
3. Speaking of dreidels, come up with some shit that's actually fun. The dreidel is a cute diversion but it's clearly unable to carry a holiday. Simply put, the dreidel is not ready for prime time. Even Easter's lowly Cadbury egg is more fun than the dreidel.
Okay, I get it, you spin it and if you get pong or something, you win some fake chocolate gold coins. Way to combat the stereotypes, by the way. Wow, I can play this game all of three times before it gets terminally boring.
The dreidel doesn't have to be retired, but it has to be sent to a supporting role. But what should take over? I have no clue, but the options are a little more open as Christians have pretty much locked into the whole open gifts -> drink eggnog -> hit the road -> wrap car around tree routine. Maybe the Jews can try fireworks?
But, July 4th has fireworks! Yes but July 4 is seven months away. And we don't really have enough fireworks holidays. This is where Hannukah can really put its mark down. The motif is already there, after all. Festival of Lights, well, where are the fucking lights? Launch a shitload of bottle rockets and those zippy spinny things that dance around the backyard and fly up into someone's clothing and burn them to death. Also make sure to plant Roman candles in the street and light them when someone's driving near, you fucking prick YOU CAN KILL SOMEONE DOING THAT. Oh and let's not forget the classic M-80 at 4 a.m. Fuck yeah I love being jostled out of sleep. Love it.
In keeping with point 1, they can make night six fireworks night and put up a massive fireworks show. And then they can wind it down with some jumping jacks and those black snakes. Holy shit this is such a great idea I'm patenting it now.
4. Get some songs already. If it weren't for Adam Sandler or my 5th grade
But no, there's a dearth of it. And the only mainstream Hannukah song is a twice-reprised comedy ditty. You can't even fill a subway ride with Hannukah music.
This is simply a matter of a lack creativity and will. I don't see why they don't understand that a great soundtrack is crucial to making a good holiday. It's why Easter really is a drag, but that's an entirely different story (altogether).
5. Mascots wanted. Once again, the Christians have the mascot market cornered. First of all, you can't top Jesus. Well you can, actually, especially if you deny his divinity LIKE A HERETIC. Okay, fine, but you can't top Santa Claus. Nobody denies his divinity after all. Then there's Frosty, Rudolph, Scrooge, the Grinch, Chevy Chase... there's hardly a place a Jew can look to to find a mascot.
I have heard rumors of there actually being a Hannukah mascot, one "Hannukah Harry" (overheard in a dentist office waiting room). I don't know what Hannukah Harry's deal is, but I imagine a bearded man wearing red carrying an overly large purse showing up in your house, handing you a gift and going, "Here you go, kid. Merry Hannukah. Oi I double parked I gotta run!
There's also the original Hannukah mascot, Judas Maccabeus. Problem: Nobody cares about him. Yes, he beat up some gnocchi-chewing Greeks and made the trains run on time, but that doesn't cut it. I mean, if we're going to celebrate people who beat the shit out of the Greeks, we're gonna have a ton of holidays all of a sudden.
Besides, Judas Maccabeus just doesn't work from a marketing standpoint. Santa Claus works. Three syllables, easy to pronounce, vaguely European. Judas Maccabeus is clumsy and hard to spell. Plus you can't shorten it, because then you just have Judas and there goes all your Christian customers!
That leaves Adam Sandler as the final option.
You know what? Forget point 5. It's hopeless.
6. Get some new mythologies. This is perhaps the crucial point of them all. Christmas started, well, it was conceived as a pagan holiday meshed with Jesus Jesusin' it up. But that got boring, so the papists decided to add in shit like eggnog and Santa Claus and Charlie Brown. Voila, now it's not just Jesus, but also a shitload of mutants, monsters and bizarre traditions. Separately, they can't carry a holiday, but together they combine to make an awesome pie called Christmas.
So far, the only story about Hannukah is, well, Judas Maccabeus beating up some Greeks and then somehow nobody blows out the candles for seven days. Well la de freakin' da. If the Jews weren't going to build on that, why'd they bother?
They need to freshen it up somehow. Come up with a newer story. Not a retelling of the original Hannukah, but a story that people will go, "That didn't offend me. I think I'll watch it next year and make it a tradition. Oh whoops I'm having cardiac arrest never mind!
There have been some attempts at this, but they've all fallen flat. The one that's most notable to me is the "Rugrats" Hannukah special. I can't remember how they changed the story so that Baby Judas Maccabeus does not slaughter Baby Greeks, but I believe it was something really really horrible (really, the Rugrats" Hannukah special was a fucking farce and abomination even probably to Jews. Oh by the way, there's also a Rugrats Passover special. Don't even ask how they explained away the first-born son plague thing. My god.). Needless to say, it hasn't resonated at all.
Adam Sandler came up with a Hannukah movie, Eight Crazy Nights. It too was a flop, precisely because it was stupid. It didn't need to be animated, first of all, and second of all it was basically one giant gross-out film with Hannukah kinda fumbling around in the background with its flie open and it's all confused and oh god Hannukah someone make him sit down before he embarrasses us all!
Hannukah needs something of a rebranding, an update, something to draw in the kids and keep them interested into adulthood. I don't know how exactly this can be done as I am a lowly gentile with only a 5% stake in the world of acting, but there has to be some story that can be written up and centered around Hannukah to make it seem cool.
7. There is no seven. What did you think this was, HANNUKER?
Well that's my unsolicited advice for the Chosen People. Obviously, a ton of work needs to be done to make Hannukah a competitor, but given a few centuries and the total extermination of every last vestige of Christianity, it just might be ready for prime time one day.
That is... unless.......
OUR LADY OF GUADALUPE DAY BEATS THEM TO IT!!!!!(!!!!!!!!!)!
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