Point/COUNTERPOINT: COUNTERPOINT: Christmas is great and you should feel bad for saying it isn't

Last time on POINT/counterPOINT:

The evil POINTMAN said that Christmas was gay and for losers like Kwanel X. And he was being really STUPID and LAME.

Meanwhile, our plucky hero DEREK JETER was busy trying to save Christmas from the evil forces, the Jewish Liberal Media Liberals. He found the sacred Asscheek of Ortiz, but it was too heavy for him to lift up!

With the forces of POINTMAN descending on our brave, extremely heterosexual hero, could anything be done to prove that Christmas is a pretty cool holiday and you should just chill the fuck out, man? :massive bong rip:

DA DA DA DAAAAAAAAAAAA

Christmas unites a shitload of people, such as Jews, Muslims, Christians, Greek Orthodox, Minnesotans, Buddhists, Taoists, those crazy Chinese folk religions, Scientologists, blacks and nature lovers under one thing: VACATION! Note: Shintos can get the FUCK out. Christmas is so awesome that even non-Christians (like Catholics) can enjoy it! Why? Because this is a CHRISTIAN NATION and we get off for Christmas and shit.

Now tell me, without Christmas, what would we have to take a break between Thanksgiving and whatever holiday is next (Bastille Day?)? That's right. It'd be NOTHING. Just a long, dreary stretch that lasts for months and months. Now--

Oh wait, New Year's. Forgot.

Hm.

Well, without Christmas, what would Jews watch on Dec. 25? Hmmmm? That's right, nothing! It'd be like a second Holocaust, except it happens every December! Are you lining up with Hitler? If not, then Christmas is great, you kraut fucker!

Christmas movies rock, you're an asshole. I know Mr. BITCH said that Christmas movies tend to suck. That just proves that Mr. BITCH is about 6-years old, and thus a BABY, because Christmas has a very good pedigree of awesome movies, such as Home Alone, Home Alone II: Lost in New Yawk, Die Hard, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Gremlins, that other one, you know, with the guy, fuck, I just had the name in my head too ARGGGHHH, Oh yeah, Christmas Vacation, Saving Private Ryan and some other shit too, probably.

I will concede, though, that A Christmas Story is rank shit and should be wiped from human memory "1984" style.

Not to mention all the Christmas specials, some of which are actually not gay!!!

Getting Christmas gifts is fun, stop acting like it isn't you SQUARE. Yeah let's flash back a second here. The scene: 1995. The place: my living room. The event: The arrival of the PlayStation. Was that not a MONUMENTAL event in your life? Did that not kick so much ass you got arrested for it? Without Christmas, it wouldn't have been possible.

I know what you're gonna say. "B-b-b-b-but gifts can't mend a broken heart!" or something queer like that. Guess what? Everybody needs material shit, including toys, because they're fun and without them you'd go insane. Okay? Do you think homeless people enjoy having nothing? No TVs, video games, clothes, walkmen, kazoos, jeans that don't have holes in them, Macy's gift cards, etc? No, they don't. Face it, material possessions are great and if you can afford them, even greater.

Go ahead. Picture your life without the NES. Go for it. See how far you get. PUNK.

Christmas traditions are cool too. They can stay. Who doesn't like giant stockings? Huh? Who doesn't like holly? Aside from people who are allergic to it? In which case it's funny watching them break out in hives and hyperventilate? How about Christmas music and shit?

Face it, this shit makes shit fun. You don't see people singing carols at Easter or Martin Luther King day, do you? Because those holidays aren't as much fun and aren't as big of an "event" as Christmas. No other time throughout the year does NYC light up like at Christmas. Without it, this shit just wouldn't happen, and the year would just be one bland set of holidays from end to end.

Face it, Easter can't carry the holiday calendar. July 4th isn't ready for primetime. Thanksgiving? Pft. Not even the NFL can elevate it. Halloween's been permanently appropriated by the costume industry and is just as bland as everything else. The only thing that can possibly approach Christmas is May Day. I've really liked some of the moves it's been making and it could be a sleeper pick in the holiday championship this year.

Christmas is the only time of the year where people have the opportunity to stop being cockslaps to each other. Oh here's POINT going, "B-b-b-b-but people don't act that way at Christmas! They act like shitheads by stomping each other to death over microwaves and pretending to give a fuck and having lots of nervous breakdowns and shit."

Well, yeah, but what do you want? People need very little excuse to be shitheads and can be set off by black Friday sales or square-dancing competitions. Why is it Christmas' fault that Americans are generally violent and neurotic and dumb? Would taking Christmas away lead to people having revelations about the state of their lives? Would it make them more conscious of suffering not of their own?

People bitching about Christmas are attacking a symptom, not the problem. It's like bitching out George W. Bosh when everyone in America elected him king not once but FOUR TIMES! This shit doesn't happen without reasons, and attacking Christmas as if it's the cause of retardation is missing the forest for the trees. Or something. It's something stupid is what it is! IS! THAT DEPENDS ON THE MEANING OF THE WORD "IS" IS.

Furthermore, if anything, Christmas has a positive effect on MERICA. Other than on Thanksgiving, nobody pays attention to the poor and downtrodden. Not on Veterans' Day (loo), not on Valentine's Day, not even on Poor People's Day (aka Mother's Day). Now if we followed Mr. Assy Pants, we'd take away Christmas and those uncomprehending bums would get NOTHING. (GOOD DAY SIR.)

Now who wins there? Good for you, Fartknocker, you take away all the toys for the homeless kids on Christmas. Aren't you a big, bad anti-capitalist hero of the proletariat now, hmmm? Yes, let's take our anger out on hobos! No, seriously, it's not like they have rights or anything!

The real truth is that it's not Christmas' fault, so removing it would change nothing. If anything, we need more Christmases. We need Christmas every day! I don't give a fuck what Elmo "proved", if we had Christmas every day, everyone would get DVDs and the poor would be fed every day. And that would be cool. So FUCK YOU, I say we do the opposite and turn every month into Christmasember.

Christmas was originally invented so that the worst times of winter (ironically that's actually in January/February soooooooo) would be bearable. Instead of sitting in a cold cave going "Oooga, booga ooooooog ugh ugh ugh" (I think that's how you say "This sucks" in Afrikaans), they would exchange animal pelts and slave children and go "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" Then later, they'd say "HAPPY KWANZAA!" And then all the other cavemen would laugh at them because he's only ironically celebrating Kwanzaa.

So just relax and celebrate it however you want to. It's part of the circle of life to celebrate Christmas. You can't stop it now. It's too late. And so I rest my case.



(courtroom bursts into applause, prosecution attorney looks embarrased, judge stands up and goes "I DECLARE CHRISTMAS INNOCENT OF ALL CHARGES!" then there's a huge standing ovation and the music swells and Derek Jeter lifts the World Series trophy overhead and the author of this blog totally macks TINORP.)

(then the judge is impeached for violating procedure.)

(the end.)







(P.S. Easter will always be pretty crappy. Sorry, when your only ammo is hiding some eggs and The Ten Commandments, you might as well not even try it. LATERZ.)





AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.






D


A little better but you don't have enough introductory paragraphs.