Scrooge MeDuck

If you've ever celebrated Christmas, and I know you have, then you're familiar with A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens. Edited by Jack London. A Michael Bay Production. Leonard Maltin called it "the runaway Christmas hit of the season!"

In case you're not, here's a quick summary of what happens:

Ebenezer Scrooge is (hits fast-forward button) and then they go (hits fast forward button) followed by an orgy (hits fast forward button) by black people (hits fast forward button) What I like about the Disney version (oops, shit, hits rewind) scared by black people.

It's a pretty simple morality tale, told only as Chucky Dicks could tell it, with melodrama and poor people and enough cockney accents to permanently stunt your speech patterns.

Moreso than perhaps any other story in the history of mankind, except maybe Street Fighter, Carol has been retold in so many ways. It seems everyone's taken turns with their own spin. Ahhhh yes, you know what's coming, don't you, smart guy? Yup.

A LIST!!!!

Here are my favorite renditions of this particular story:

5. Disney's version: Scrooge McDuck made his television debut here, taking over as the miserly Scrooge, with Donald as his gay nephew. I think Mickey was Bob Cratchett. Goofy may have been The Ghost of Christmas Future, it's been so long since I've seen it.

In fact, there's not much I actually can remember, but what stuck with me was the art direction. What I like about the Disney version is that it's very dark. It uses nice, drab colors. Scrooge's coat is the naviest of navy blues, which contrasts nicely with his dark orange beak. Also for some reason I recall Mickey being drawn really well. It's just a great showcase of how cool animated productions can look, and they sure as shit don't make them like that anymore.

I should probably take a page out of TINORP's book and YouTube this shit.

4. Patrick Stewart version: Patrick Stewart is a god among men. If this were Mt. Olympus, I'd be Zeus and he could be, I dunno, Apollo. No wait, no, he'd be Hermes. Yeah, a bald... wait no, he'd be Dionysus. Yes, a bald, jovial guy who's good at acting. And drinks a shitload.

Anyway, as with basically anything Stewart's involved with, he drives the performance on his sheer bald acting prowess. He also wears a nightcap, which would really complement my own nighttime ensemble.

Really, Stewart's performance is the only damn thing that's memorable, but his range makes it worth the watch. And that's that!

3. Flintstones version: The Flintstones have only been involved in two worthwhile productions: The Flintstones Meet the Jetsons and this. The Flintstones take an interesting take on the story, turning it into a story within a story. If I remember correctly, the Flintstones decide to put on a stage version of the play, which is mind-boggling as Jesus had not been invented yet and they clearly are not celebrating Sangria or whatever the pagan holiday equivalent is.

Fred plays Scrooge while Wilma plays his main bitch or something. But before the play begins, Fred does something to piss Wilma off. Perhaps spousal abuse. So while Fred has to deal with a pissed-off Wilma (apparently slapping her was not an option. C'mon, Fred! That's how you tell girls you love them!!!), he also has to act like Scrooge and, in a sense, piss Wilma off again in the play! It's kinda hard to describe but it was a really neat take on the whole thing. Also it's very eerie watching Fred Flintstone beg for his life so there's that going for it too.

2. Mr. Magoo version: Mr. Magoo is an interesting choice for Scrooge. On the one hand, he's old. On the other hand, he's blind. On the third hand... wait... people don't have more than one hand, do they?

Anyway, this is another one of those "the character is not really Scrooge, he/she's just playing them in a... play. In this case, there's no meta-story like in the Flintstones' version, but this one does have music and an unusually powerful performance by Magoo.

Interestingly enough, they play Carol extremely straight. Like, straighter than me, even. The whole Magoo-is-blind gimmick is dropped completely. In that way, you kinda wonder why Magoo's even involved, anyway, as without him being blind then he's just another old man with an extremely large forehead. But it does help you to take it seriously when Magoo confronts Christmas Future and has to beg for his life. I don't usually endorse characters going out of their element, but it works here.

1. Scrooged version: Ah yes, the 1990-something Bill Murray take on it. Scrooged does what few other versions of the trope do: move it into the present era and inject a sense of realism into it. A lot of people don't seem to like this version, but I think it's stronger than all of them. Put together!

In this version, Scrooge is a TV exec who fills his network with the most vile programming imaginable. So in that sense, calling it Zuckered would've also been acceptable. In this case, Ebenezer isn't so much a greedy old codger as he is a hypercynical prick, which I think makes more sense. I mean really, if Scrooge knows the value of money so much, why the fuck does he hoard it all the time? No, fool, real niggaz spend that bread.

This version also gives Scrooge a better motivation for being the way he is. Instead of becoming an asshole because the kids made fun of him at gay school, he becomes an asshole because his family life is shit and he spends most of his early career degrading himself, not unlike being a Boston Bruin. Thus, when his main bitch abandons him, it makes more sense since he's already had to deal with real humiliation and abandonment, which money can't fix (see that Simpsons episode where the Germans take over the power plant if you don't believe me).

Scrooged takes a lot of liberties, which it has to obviously. Not all of it works. The Christmas Future section becomes muddled (I keep forgetting if that frozen guy is supposed to be him or some other guy he knows) and the flick ends with some ultra-tarded singing thing. But what I like most about it is that it deals with the whole ghost thing the way I think someone actually would.

In all the other versions, Jacky Marley shows up and looks ghostly and horrifying as fuck. How does Scrooge take that?

Marley: SCROOOOGE! I AM JACOB MARLEY, YOUR DEAD GAY FRIEEEEEEEEND!!!!! YOU ARE BEING A FUCK TO EVERYONE SO MORE GHOSTS ARE GONNA COOOOOOOME!!!!!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Scrooge: hmmm k.

Whereas in Scrooged Scroogey-boy takes it as if he's having a drug-induced hallucination. Yes I know he doesn't actually state that, but Murray's attitude is all like, "Hmm, I guess that burrito was laced. Oh well might as well lean back and enjoy it!"

Yes, it is more appropriate to view the whole ghosts thing as a trip that gradually becomes bad until Scrooge is on the floor squirming in horror begging the imaginary ghost of Christmas You Gonna Die not to let him die or some shit. I mean, if you really thought some ghosts were visiting you, then I'd be all like, "Well, what were you before there was Christmas? Do you have Kwanzaa versions of yourselves? How come you're such a fatass, Christmas Present? And why are you hiding children under your robe?"

But if you're tripping, do you ask questions of your hallucinations? I don't know, I've never tripped, actually. I mean, the closest I came was when I had some teeth pulled and they put me on some NO2, but all that really happened was I thought I was floating and my field of vision was overtaken by a giant purple splotch. Although the splotch did talk to me, but it wasn't very stimulating conversation. It just kept telling me to open wide. The fuck did you want from me, purple splotch? What message were you trying to send me??

I know someone in my audience has done it. I DEMAND ANSWERS. Write to me with your experiences!!!

I'm a literalist, so I'm a stickler for stories that deal with things in a consistent matter. I think Scrooged handles the story the best way it can be handled within its own idiom. If you don't like gritty takes on shit, though, you should probably avoid it. But that would make you a jerk, and you don't want to be a jerk, do you? No of course not.

And so that ends another list. A listy list, if you ask me. What's your favorite version of Carol? Let me know!

















Please let me know I'm so lonely oh god