Things I don't understand: Frosty the Snowman

Who is he? Frosty is an anthropomorphosized snowman of an unknown origin. He first appeared in a Gene Autry song in 1950, so already you know this is gonna be shit.

Autry decided that he wanted to sing a gay song that would sell lots of records, thus getting him enough money to buy more Indian blow or something. He did this a year earlier with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, but that's another story altogether.

The story goes that Frosty came to life thanks to some rotten kids who were probably skipping school or some shit. Frosty then took these delinquents and went on a rampage until he had to leave. He returns every Christmas to wreak havoc on small, insignificant (but I repeat myself) New England villages.

A man... made of snow. Or is he? Let's break it down.

Okay, so Frosty only can come to life when a demon-magic silk hat is put on his head. So that means that before he's running amok, he's nothing more than a mere snowman, competently built perhaps, but a mere snowman nonetheless. Which raises the question: could Frosty's hat work on some other assortment? After all, its magic is quite powerful. His carrot nose and coal eyes/mouth turn into true flesh, and his pipe probably generates an infinite amount of crack (to keep him up all the time, a tactic used for decent results by the Mumbai terrists). Potentially, if the kids gave him a carrot dick as well, and perhaps they were just about to when he sprung to life, he could theoretically reproduce.

I fully believe Gene Autry was aware of these possibilities.

Could this work on other types of men? How about Woody the Stumpman? Sandy the Sandman? Smoky the Hempman? Shitty the Dungman? If you put him on clay, would you have a golem? Would that be frowned upon by the Jewish community? Probably. Can't have any fun with them.

Maybe calling him Frosty the Snowman is a complete misnomer. The true source of his power is that hat. Maybe he should be called Hatty the Hatman.

What the fuck is his deal, anyway? So he appears and disappears around Christmas, which is pretty fucking pointless for a man made of snow as it gives him all but four days of winter at most. Perhaps he is aware of his pointless, ironic existence, which is why he remains active the whole time to use every last second of his worthless life.

Why does he disappear during Christmas, though? I think the implication is that he is so aware of his own mortality that he opts to be euthanized by Santa himself. Perhaps he is thrown down a chimney. Maybe that's considered a quick death by snowmen.

According to the Bass-Rankin commercialtoon, Frosty dies when he's lured into a house with an active fireplace. While the kids regard this as an act of pure murder, leniency should be granted on the grounds that the killer was trying to protect his house from a walking fucking man of snow. Do kids understand that? No. That's why they're stuck in a giant arena all day designed to reinforce their terribly small place in the world.

What I want to know is this: why doesn't he just flee to Saskatchewan, or Baffin Island, or fuck it, Siberia? He wouldn't have to worry about melting. Being mauled by a bear, sure. But do bears really want to eat snow? Think about it, Frosty...

So Frosty comes to life and he only has retarded kids to play with. So what does he do? He runs around town, laughing and ignoring police and traffic laws. In his short lifespan, he becomes reckless, daring death to strike him down. So he naturally feels no responsibility for the kids who foolishly follow his every action. And he's supposed to be considered a valued Christmas icon?

The verdict: After all this research, I can only conclude that Frosty is a monstrosity, an offense to God who has to personally smite Frosty by raising the temperature a few degrees (Fahrenheit. Fuck you Celsius shitheads this is MERICA, and double fuck you Kelvin assholes).

All the evidence suggests it. Smokes crack-rock, leads kids to commit acts of suicidal deliquency, and he's a fat slob. He's, in short, a hedonist, a representation of man who has been reduced to madness after confronting his own mortality. Usually I don't take things like cartoon so symbolically, but I think what Autry was trying to tell us was that Frosty is a troubled soul who deserves both our pity and our scorn, like Hitler.

What, you don't pity Hitler? Fuck you. The man only had one ball!

Anyway, I think the real question here is who'd win in a fight: Frosty or the Snowman from The Snowman.

BUT THAT IS A QUESTION FOR ANOTHER DAY.

:plays the national anthem on the way out:













P.S. If you pissed on Frosty before putting the hat on, would that piss him off? Like he'd be born with a painful acid burn on his leg? Someone get to the bottom of this right now.