In search of a new Moses, the GOP has selected Michael Steele as its party chairman. Steele promptly promised to turn the party into something a little fresher, a little more "hip-hop," with "blang" and "thangs" and "drank" and "lots of dead niggaz."
While the GOP has recently supplied an abundance of the last part, the other parts have been sorely lacking. But at last we have a GOP party head who is capable of speaking to urban audiences, and at last we have a GOP party head who is capable of listening to Southern rap and feel anything other than sheer oprobrium.
But if Steele is to remake the GOP into a hip-hop aparatus, he's going to need to enlist the finest minds in the industry to achieve that. But who amongst the hip-hop world is willing to work with Steele? Below are the five most Republican hip-hop artists and groups that Steele can recruit to persue this noble goal.
5. Dr. Dre - Dr. Dre, Ph.D is a rare find, an educated man who appreciates both business and firearms. Dr. Dre's background in California also makes him a California Republican, even rarer still.
While it is true that Dr. Dre has fostered some anti-social tendencies, particularly anti-authoritarianism, his love of weaponry should endear him to the Libertarian wing of the GOP. Imagine the one-two punch of Wayne La Pierre and Dr. Dre, extolling the beauty of piecing together an assault rifle to an audience of thousands of young Republicans. If you can, then you are capable of seeing directly into Wayne's very worst nightmares and are probably a psychic not unlike that bitch on that NBC show.
While the GOP has recently supplied an abundance of the last part, the other parts have been sorely lacking. But at last we have a GOP party head who is capable of speaking to urban audiences, and at last we have a GOP party head who is capable of listening to Southern rap and feel anything other than sheer oprobrium.
But if Steele is to remake the GOP into a hip-hop aparatus, he's going to need to enlist the finest minds in the industry to achieve that. But who amongst the hip-hop world is willing to work with Steele? Below are the five most Republican hip-hop artists and groups that Steele can recruit to persue this noble goal.
5. Dr. Dre - Dr. Dre, Ph.D is a rare find, an educated man who appreciates both business and firearms. Dr. Dre's background in California also makes him a California Republican, even rarer still.
While it is true that Dr. Dre has fostered some anti-social tendencies, particularly anti-authoritarianism, his love of weaponry should endear him to the Libertarian wing of the GOP. Imagine the one-two punch of Wayne La Pierre and Dr. Dre, extolling the beauty of piecing together an assault rifle to an audience of thousands of young Republicans. If you can, then you are capable of seeing directly into Wayne's very worst nightmares and are probably a psychic not unlike that bitch on that NBC show.
4. Jermaine Dupri - Mr. Dupri, more a producer than an artist, is known mainly for one awesome ditty: "Money Ain't a Thang" (feat. Jay-Z, another Republican). Mr. Dupri extolls a purely pro-business point of view as articulated in his "Thang" opus, and his business savvy is just what the GOP needs to address the dying economy.
Nothing extolls the GOP's stance on fiscal policy than "Money Ain't a Thang." Whether it's cutting interest rates or deficit spending with abandon, Mr. Dupri is able to tap into the very heart of Republican economics of simply throwing money away in vainglorious shows of wealth. Who doesn't sympathize with the desire to "[switch] four lanes" in either a Ferrari or Mercedes-Benz? It's the same exact attitude the GOP brings to economics, this time put in a message that the average man can see.
Another point that Mr. Dupri addresses is our health care system, or utter lack of. While most Americans consider the idea of not being able to afford treatment for life-saving procedures or medicine, Mr. Dupri lets us understand that that's nothing to worry about! Observe:
Eatin' crab, watching bitches shake shit all night
In these two simple lines, Mr. Dupri clues us in on the GOP's version of health care: ineffective exercise and food laced with chemicals and mercury. See, instead of fretting about cancer screenings or surgery, just stay in shape by taking pilates and eat whatever the fuck you want, it don't matter! Why make earnest attempts at staying healthy when you're too expensive to keep alive, anyway?
3. Sean "Puff Diddy" Combs - Whether it's bringing back the bowtie or making everyone feel sorry for rich people, D. Combs is a breath of fresh air for the party and shows the "human side" of being blithely rich.
While Mr. Dupri was able to cover the technical side of being rich, Daddy lets Americans know that hey, we're people too. We have the same hopes, fears and problems. In fact, in a wise paean to the working man, Dombs tells us that "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems." You should be lucky to be poor!
Observe:
Know youd rather see me die than to see me fly
Not only is his song educational to the youngest of the young Republicans, it also correctly spells out the dilemma of being rich in today's hard world. When you have money, everyone wants to tear you down, be it through gunfire or through "paying your fair share" through taxes and "laws."
The point of being a rich man is to be able to do what you want, such as "ballin." Furthermore, Mr. Cuff is realistic about the issues surrounding wealth, namely:
For you to shine here, deal with many women
But treat dimes fair, and im
Bigger than the city lights down in times square
Yeah, yeah yeah
It's true, not everyone can be as successful as Mr. Did, so complaining about it will get you nowhere. Besides, most people just aren't equipped to handle the problems of being rich, like having to settle for a 40-yard yacht instead of a 50-yarder, or having to delay the patent-leather upholstery for your Lear jet. Today, I'm thankful that all I have to worry about is gainful employment and eating. Thank you for helping me realize this, Mr. Dord!
2. Ma$e - Ma$e (I am contractually obliged to spell it like this, sorry) left the hip-hop world too soon, but his story fits right in with the GOP ethic. Ma$e began his career as a rich man's rapper, singing the praises of luxury cars and is one of the people who brought "bling" to the mainstream.
However, somewhere along the way, Ma$e became disillusioned with the rap world and decided to become a preacher, following in the steps of M.C. Hammer and Jim Jones. But in doing so, he has married the two most-important aspects of Republicanism together: vapid Christianity and insane wealth!
Since his last major foray into music in 1999, Ma$e has cleaned up his image, including releasing an album in 2004 that was pretty unremarkable in terms of violence and sex and shit. He still was willing to show off his wealth, however, which is what we expect from our pastors, because nothing says emulating Jesus like walking around in a three-piece suit on a stage that cost at least $20 million to construct.
What Americans need right now, more than ever, is rich people conflating wealth with religious achievement, a la Joel Osteen. This will encourage Americans to work harder, since if they reason that they are poor because God hates them, they must work extra hard to achieve salvation. Boom! Instant stimulus! And Ma$e can convey this with cheery, condescending lyrics that will get people moving! If Steele wants to recover the very soul (pardon the pun) of the GOP, he can do no better than with Ma$e.
1. Cash Money Millionaires - The quintessential Republican group, there is nothing about Cash Money that is NOT appealing to the GOP (aside from skin color).
Cash Money is a New Orleans outfit, but don't let their location fool you. They could just as easily fit in at a Nebraska rodeo or a Connecticut brunch. Juvenile, the leader of the bunch, perfectly captures the essence of every GOP plank. Take "Back That Azz Up":
You'se a fine motherfucker, won't you back that azz up
Call me Big Daddy when you back that azz up
Hoe, who is you playin wit? Back that azz up
We see here a plea for our young women to, despite their good lucks, to "back that azz up," i.e. step away because Juvenile is happily married. Or maybe not. Either way, this song is about abstinence, with the added pitch ("Call me Big Daddy") to women to respect their fathers.
Here's a cut from "U Understand":
I'ma wait until them bitches slow down (ya understand)
Cuz I ain't tryin' to be jail bound (ya understand)
Juvenile knows that being a responsible citizen means respecting the rules of the road. After all, why scuff your Lexus? It's just irresponsible!
I got that fire
Girl, holla at a nigga if you want that oscar meyer
Juvenile is anti gay marriage as we can see here. He also is quite charitable, handing food out to the needy, but just enough to keep them alive and not enough to actually help them or something.
So wonderfully does Cash Money capture the GOP spirit that the party's entire manifesto can be replaced with "We On Fire". Observe Juvenile:
What kinda nigga go to war like the middle east?
Clearly an ode to our military and its mission in Iraq.
Cash Money compatriot Turk has this to say (rap):
Hunting niggas down up and down they fucking block
With guys like these, the GOP can't do wrong with hunters. They're so adept, they're able to go hunting in a suburban neighborhood. That takes skill, people!
And Turk takes us home with the perfect summation of everyone involved in the GOP leadership:
Tossing hoes having bitches sucking his dick?
Michael Steele has a daunting task ahead of him, but with talent like this, it can be done. All he has to do is tap into the spirit of hip-hop and remake the GOP into a vibrant, hilariously lyricked group dominating the airwaves and the charts.
YA HEARD?
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