Instead, it's time for
THE TOP 5 WORST OSCARS OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!
DON'T WASTE ANY TIME! FUCK OSCARS LET'S KILL!
5. 1996 - You want to not have fun? All you have to do is toss up a bunch of shit movies and watch the madness unfold.
In 1996, I was but a young man in middle school. Wait, hold on.............................. yeah, I was in middle school. So anyway, at that time the only movie I was really interested in was Jerry Maguire because it was about the Arizona Cardinals. I think at the time they were known as the Phoenix Cardinals, though.
If you've never seen it, you have to understand that it's a movie about the Arizona/Phoenix/not St. Louis Cardinals, and, like, they WIN A GAME. Even as a whipper-snapper I knew that was bullshit, so I had to take my hat off to anyone who dared to dream that such a thing could happen and put it on celluloid. Oh yeah, there was also some Tom Cruise and a young Jonathan Lipnicki still hogging screentime and shit, but that wasn't that important.
Instead, the top award went to "The English Patient," a movie so banal that scientists use it to hold acid. This wasn't the first, nor would it be the last, time that a shit film took home the gold, but I remember being outraged at the time. I hadn't seen the film, but I could tell that it was garbage. And it was at that time that I realized that adults can make mistakes. Terrible mistakes. People are not perfect. In fact, the world is an evil place where you can only hope to just barely survive long enough to not die in excruciating pain. So at least I can thank the Oscars in one sense for teaching me this valuable life lessons that yes, indeed, horrible things do happen, like Ralph Fiennes being considered a great actor.
4. 2003 - There is one thing worse than having a shit field to watch: having a field that actually contains one or two good movies and then have them lose to a total shit film. '03 marked an especially egregious example of this.
But the story begins in 2001. Right after 9/11, another terrorist named Peter Jackson launched an attack on America in the form of "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring," a compelling take on Tolkien's classic nerdfodder book. It was so cool that it actually was nominated for best picture, only to lose to "A Beautiful Mind," starring Jennifer Connolly as the (not) Hispanic wife of Thomas Nash or whatever his name was.
Okay, but he would have two more shots at BP thanks to the next two films. But little did I or anyone else know that the next film was, like a truly incideous terrorist plot, total shit. I mean WOW was it bad. And yet it was still nominated. Fortunately it lost, but unfortunately "Chicago" won. Wait what the fuck? There were only FOUR BP nominees that year? Weird.
Anyway, in a very eerie mirroring of 9/11, the final film of the trilogy proved to be the
It was truly a mockery of film. Was Jackson getting awarded for all three movies taken
Since then, like bin Laden, Jackson had one last great triumph (the even worse "King Kong") and then faded into obscurity. But we don't know if he's dead or alive, and he may strike again one day...
3. 1997 - The only way to follow up the English Patient disaster was to have the (then) mother of all shitfilms, "Titanic" waltz into the Oscars and attempt to kill everyone. And it came very dangerously close to doing so.
The show was notable for being an unrepentant ball-licking of anything "Titanic," even being so brazen as to nominate the crazy old lady character as a supporting actress. It was truly obnoxious, with Celine Dion singing the soundtrack of terror. For the truly enlightened, it was a rare moment when the ad wizards in the Academy and the black, empty heart of America were united in purpose.
But there was one plucky film that threatened to spoil it: "As Good as It Gets," a funny, interesting film starring JACK!!!. And for a while, it seemed like there would be a spoiling, even though it was nothing more than a mad dream. Jack won best actor and Kate Winslett had to watch Helen Hunt take a righteous piss in her cheerios by taking best actress. But then James Cameron, who still has yet to be forgiven for his treachery, gave his gay little "I'M THE KING OF THA WORLLLLLLL!" speech, and minutes later the final blow was delivered with the film taking home the grand prize.
It's over a decade later. "Titanic" has faded into obscurity and the ashes have been cleaned up. But the crime is still on our souls. Will it ever be lifted?
2. 1998 - There is one thing that I can't stand at all: wasted potential. 1998 was a perfect example of this. I don't particularly remember much about the year other than Monica Lewinsky boofing Bill Clinton or something.
But maybe I should've seen it coming. After all, the two previous years were disasters, why not let there be a third?
But no, 1998 couldn't be the year. After all, "Saving Private Ryan" was out and was kicking all sorts of ass. It was a great film and the competition that year looked to be utter tripe. Finally, a deserving film would get some recognition!
And then it happened.
"Shakespeare in Love."
Sometimes I wonder what the Japanese in Hiroshima and/or Nagasaki were thinking when the atomic bombs went off over their heads. A sunny day full of promise abruptly interrupted by unspeaking horror. How does the mind comprehend the horrors?
It looks like the cruel fates had one last trick up their gay tardloving sleeves: a grim surprise. And here it was, a movie nobody had really ever heard of being declared the best film over a truly deserving film. Why? Why do humans have to be cacpable of such horror?
Maybe one day we will overcome the specter of 1998's Academy Awards. But I doubt it. Life really is a purposeless mess.
1. 2009 - How would you prefer to die? Go out in a blaze of glory, or wither away in slow torture? Tonight we know the answer.
Ah ha! Faked you out, didn't I? WE ARE BLOGGIN THESE OSCARS BITCH I HAVE YOU NOW.
Anyway, tonight's Oscars was the second option, a neverending nightmare that we just couldn't wake up from. Sure, not all the winners were terrible, but this year's production made so many terrible mistakes that the sheer weight of all that mediocrity stifled any and all life and creativity and hope.
I don't care about Kate Winslet. She's the new Nicole Kidman except not haggy. I don't care about Slumdog Millionaire. It's just another "Crash," here today, gone tomorrow in human memory.
But tonight's show was just so depressing. Even Sean Penn trying to troll all of Mormonia wasn't enough. There were no clips of the nominees, there were only three songs nominated for best song (and two of them were Bollywood pap; Pete Gabriel rightly no-showed because they were not allowed to play the entire song, YET IRONICALLY THERE WERE ALL SORTS OF FUCKING MUSICAL NUMBERS). Do you see what I mean? Nothing about tonight made sense. Nothing. NOTHING.
The Dark Knight and Wall-E were shunned. Why? What purpose did it serve? You're going to nominate "The Reader" over them? Really? Why would you do that?
If any experience can be compared to literally dying, I'm sure tonight's show was it. The final synapses of a crazed brain firing off randomly, accumulating to nothing but the sensation of sheer terror. That was tonight's Oscars, seen through the eyes of a dying schizo.
And who said this shit wasn't serious business? Shit got real tonight. Only SAG's strike can finally cut the cord on this loathsome industry.
Until then, I will endure. I don't know how I'll do it. Maybe I won't in the end. But somehow, my heart will go on.
Oh... oh no....
No comments:
Post a Comment