Good morning, America. As you may already have heard, the American economy wandered down an alley in Boston at 3 in the morning, ran into one of its few non-caucasian residents, watched as he pulled a gun from his pants, and then had a very nice discussion on the pressing matters of the day, namely the economy and the impending oil crisis. It was a very lovely night, all things considered.
Indeed, we are facing dire times. But don't worry! As most of our best jobs evaporate into thin air, that doesn't mean you can't still be productive and earn money, and most importantly, create friendships that'll last a lifetime. If you're worried about making ends meet in the depression, here are the top 5 occupations you can look into if you live on Long Island or anywhere near the Hudson Bay:
5. Scrap metal collector - an oldy but goody, since the Stone Age, man has searched for scrap metal to sell to tin-can dealers or some shit, and all for a nifty price. It's a job that'll keep you busy, as just about everything around you has some kind of metal that can be liquidated.
Take for instance the very building you're in! There are all sorts of screws and nails and nuts and bolts that you can rip out from the wall. Speaking of the wall, how about all that copper wiring! Ever wanted something to do with those pennies in your loafers? Now you can sell them for much more than they're worth!
This will probably be the second easiest job in the depression. Best of all, you can treat it like a game. Get your friends together and come up with a scoring system. License plates are 5 points, tin cans are 10, and Volvos are 25! See how easy it is? See if you can beat the high score!
4. Ant hunter - In the depression, good food will be scarce. No more will you be able to eat toothpaste or anything from a pig (it will be a kosher depression, sadly). You will need to find food anywhere you can.
Fortunately for all of us, there is an abundant foodsource everywhere to be found. In this case, there's our old friend the noble ant. Ants are plentiful and marginally retarded, not as much as centipedes, but just enough to not realize what you're doing until it's too late (hooray for hive minds!).
Ants are nutritious when you eat them in large enough quantites. Once you have enough to fill a small plastic bag (which itself will be a highly coveted luxury), you can eat for a whole two hours! They make great finger food provided you don't hold on to them too long and give them a chance to crawl away, and if you add some hot sauce, then you can simulate the Brazilian delicacy of horrifying fire ants.
The only drawback is that hunting ants can be tricky. As a professional ant hunter myself, you can't simply stop the bastards. And you can't spray them either. That means you have to skewer them. Fortunately, there will be plenty of twigs around for that unless you live in the desert, in which case you're retarded!
Skewering ants requires both patience and good hand-eye coordination, so drunks, epileptics and quadrepalegics need not apply.
3. Arena Football League player - You may have heard that the AFL had to cancel its 2009 season. But they haven't cancelled the 2010 season yet, and by then we should be a fully bankrupt nation.
While the pros make the big bucks in the NFL, the AFL will still be around to let vagrants, truckers and grocery baggers (AHEM) achieve their dreams of slowly running down a 40 yard field before scoring a touchdown in front of a sell-out crowd of 36.
The best part about the AFL is that you can play any position you like. It's not uncommon for defenders to have offensive positions and vice versa. Also the rules of the AFL are esoteric enough for it to be basically a proxy for Calvinball. If you throw the ball through the uprights, do you score a field goal? Who knows? It's arena football, playing football the way it was meant to be played! With walls! And plastic floors!
If you ever wanted to relive your gym glory days but are too cool for dodgeball (however, you can't be too cool for lightning or that game where you had to throw the balls at the pins and shit, holy shit was that fun. No not bowling you moron!), the AFL is looking for YOU!
2. Professional radiation absorber (Long Island/Hudson Bay ONLY!) - One of the fringe benefits of living on Lon Gisland is the pervasion of radiation. Nobody knows where it's coming from and you can't really detect it until you've been inflicted with some disease 50 years later. It's a very serious situation, and with healthcare evaporating in the depression, that means that we have to use preventitive measures.
This is where you come in! As we don't know where the radiation is coming from, we do know that it has to be coming from the ground because where else can it be coming from? So all you'd have to do is lie down in a ditch (don't forget your pillow!) and stay there, absorbing all of that wonderful radioactivity so that everyone else doesn't have to. With enough volunteers, we can cure cancer on Long Island!
Note: Hudson Bay applicants will have to line up facing the water. Please note that you would be absorbing PCBs in addition to carcinogens. Yes you will be paid extra!
1. Professional rambler - One of the best jobs out there already, the professional mumbler is a dream job to most. Fortunately for you, it may be easier to attain in the depression as everywhere in the country resembles a New York subway station!
Unsure of what a rambler does? If you haven't seen them in action (and you really must), here's a brief rundown: you stalk a particular area for an entire day, talking (or yelling, if you have the skills for it) about whatever the hell crosses your mind. Want to espouse on your theories of human nature? Let it out! How about how the weather determines the outcome of political events? Don't hold back! Have an idea about why your wife won't come back to you? We're all ears!
The best ramblers provide entertainment for people waiting to do something more productive with their lives. Now I know you may be asking: if everyone is poor, then who do ramblers have to ramble at? Well the truth is that they'd only have each other and scrap collectors to ramble at, but don't be discouraged. You will still receive your full fee of awkward grins and sideways glances and people uncomfortably backing away from you while avoiding all eye contact. Best of all, you'll be on the ground floor for when our Chinese overlords eventually rebuild the country. Better brush up on your Mandarin though*!
I know everyone is worried about the economy, but just because your boring ol' desk job is going to be extinct doesn't mean you have no options. Take a look at these exciting opportunities and see what best fits you!!
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