I love baseball. It's the second coolest sport on earth (I won't divulge the first coolest bestest). This is the only sport where people like Kurt Suzuki can be considered "good" at. But that has nothing to do with anything.
The best thing about baseball, hands down, is that it's on every day. Every fucking day, someone is scratching his balls on the bench, someone is yelling obscenities in the stands, someone is trying to argue that bunting is a good idea. People say baseball is a slow sport. They're all gay. All of them. A rainbow coalition of critics. I know the rainbow coalition concerns more than just gayness, I'm just saying they're dumb. And so are you.
How can baseball be a slow sport? It's always on! You can't say that about football. Babies need a whole week to recooperate because everyone is on roids. The roids aren't an excuse, though, because everyone was on roids in baseball too. They're on HGH now. It's different because it shrivels your balls in different ways.
I have the MLB Network. It is the model of what a sports-oriented network should be: live programming all the fucking time with live look-ins on ongoing games. So I can hear Jerry Remy on NESN calling the other team a bunch of negro-loving bastards for daring to hit the ball past PEDROYAAAUHHHHHH I LOVE THESE WICKE' HAHD DONUHTS. Even Dan Plesac being an analyst can't harsh the buzz.
What do I not like about baseball?
1. People don't realize how much of it is based on luck. Here's a story for you. It's Roslyn Little League. Bottom of the 7th (9th). We're ahead by 1. We are the Expos, the Green Team. Best team I've ever been on. I'd go to war with those guys if I could remembre their names.
Anyway, we're facing the Azure Team. I think they were the Cardinals. I'm catching. Pitcher throws. IT'S A WILD PITCH OVER MY HEAD. I jump all the way up but it's too high. Man on third's coming home. I turn around looking for the ball and there it is, bounced off the backstop right in front of me. I grab it, maintaining my momentum and spin back to the plate. Runner sees me blocking the plate. Oh fags!, he thinks. He comes to a stop within arm's reach. I swat at his ankles as he tries to dance. He jigs for his baseball life. The ump finishes his Tetley and goes "OUT!!!" I got him. We got the third out. THE EXPOS WIN. PADRES ARE WEARING THOSE SHITTY CAMO UNIFORMS. GOD DAMMIT PADRES YOU PLAY IN SAN DIEGO, IT'S A NAVY BASE NOT AN ARMY BASE.
What does that story have to do with anything? I'll tell you: baseball is about luck, primarily. When you swing the bat, you really don't have that much control over where the ball goes. Sure, you can send it in a general direction and you can determine its volicity, but the game is so precise that it's not as much a matter of skill. That's why the really really good players are really really good, because they can make their own luck at the game.
People don't realize this, though. They get all bitchy when a player doesn't hit a grand slam all the
IT'S OFF THE WALL. FURCAL SCORES. HUDSON SCORES. MANNY TO SECOND. 4-2 DODGERS. THOSE ARE EXTENSIONS IN HIS HAIR.
time. ARoid knows what I'm talking about. This is why batting averages top out at around .350. IT'S FUCKING HARD. Most baseball players are scrubs. This segues to my next point:
Manny's at the plate. 1-1 DREADLOCKS!!
2. Most baseball players are scrubs but are elevated anyway. This is especially true about Cooperstown. Hey let's make Jim Rice a HoFer. Jim Rice. Really? You mean THIS is HoF material:
The best thing about baseball, hands down, is that it's on every day. Every fucking day, someone is scratching his balls on the bench, someone is yelling obscenities in the stands, someone is trying to argue that bunting is a good idea. People say baseball is a slow sport. They're all gay. All of them. A rainbow coalition of critics. I know the rainbow coalition concerns more than just gayness, I'm just saying they're dumb. And so are you.
How can baseball be a slow sport? It's always on! You can't say that about football. Babies need a whole week to recooperate because everyone is on roids. The roids aren't an excuse, though, because everyone was on roids in baseball too. They're on HGH now. It's different because it shrivels your balls in different ways.
I have the MLB Network. It is the model of what a sports-oriented network should be: live programming all the fucking time with live look-ins on ongoing games. So I can hear Jerry Remy on NESN calling the other team a bunch of negro-loving bastards for daring to hit the ball past PEDROYAAAUHHHHHH I LOVE THESE WICKE' HAHD DONUHTS. Even Dan Plesac being an analyst can't harsh the buzz.
What do I not like about baseball?
1. People don't realize how much of it is based on luck. Here's a story for you. It's Roslyn Little League. Bottom of the 7th (9th). We're ahead by 1. We are the Expos, the Green Team. Best team I've ever been on. I'd go to war with those guys if I could remembre their names.
Anyway, we're facing the Azure Team. I think they were the Cardinals. I'm catching. Pitcher throws. IT'S A WILD PITCH OVER MY HEAD. I jump all the way up but it's too high. Man on third's coming home. I turn around looking for the ball and there it is, bounced off the backstop right in front of me. I grab it, maintaining my momentum and spin back to the plate. Runner sees me blocking the plate. Oh fags!, he thinks. He comes to a stop within arm's reach. I swat at his ankles as he tries to dance. He jigs for his baseball life. The ump finishes his Tetley and goes "OUT!!!" I got him. We got the third out. THE EXPOS WIN. PADRES ARE WEARING THOSE SHITTY CAMO UNIFORMS. GOD DAMMIT PADRES YOU PLAY IN SAN DIEGO, IT'S A NAVY BASE NOT AN ARMY BASE.
What does that story have to do with anything? I'll tell you: baseball is about luck, primarily. When you swing the bat, you really don't have that much control over where the ball goes. Sure, you can send it in a general direction and you can determine its volicity, but the game is so precise that it's not as much a matter of skill. That's why the really really good players are really really good, because they can make their own luck at the game.
People don't realize this, though. They get all bitchy when a player doesn't hit a grand slam all the
IT'S OFF THE WALL. FURCAL SCORES. HUDSON SCORES. MANNY TO SECOND. 4-2 DODGERS. THOSE ARE EXTENSIONS IN HIS HAIR.
time. ARoid knows what I'm talking about. This is why batting averages top out at around .350. IT'S FUCKING HARD. Most baseball players are scrubs. This segues to my next point:
Manny's at the plate. 1-1 DREADLOCKS!!
2. Most baseball players are scrubs but are elevated anyway. This is especially true about Cooperstown. Hey let's make Jim Rice a HoFer. Jim Rice. Really? You mean THIS is HoF material:
.854 OPS (128 OPS+), .298 BA, 382 HR, 1451 RBI
Baseball-Reference says he's comparable to these other GIANTS of the game:
Orlando Cepeda
Chili Davis
MOISES FUCKING ALOU
ELLIS HOLY SHIT FUCKING CHRIST BURKS
Andres Gallarraga
REALLY, HOF COMMITTEE?
This is what I'm talking about. What was the rationale for voting him in? "Well gee, he was really dominant for like five years and shit." That is not GREATNESS. Mickey Mantle is great. Babe Ruth is great. Even Ted Williams is great. Jim Rice is not great. Jim Rice was very good for a couple of years. But he was mediocre in other years. THAT IS NOT GREATNESS. I'd sooner pull Babe Ruth's fat skeleton out of the ground than put Jim Rice at bat.
This shit happens in every sport nowadays, but it's rather acute in baseball. Case in point: David Eckstein, Capt. Scrappy. Never before has someone parlayed an OPS+ of 88(!) to such glory. He was a World Series MVP because he managed to run around a lot. Really, MLB? Really??
3. Roids. I hate em. It's cheating because you're not supposed to be able to be that jacked that fast. "But, but but, what's the difference!" you say (because you're gay)? Well there isn't any when you get down to it.
So then why can't a ballplayer chop off his arms and replace them with cyborg terminator arms that can hit the ball 200 mph to the next state? Maybe replace the guy's legs with a giant wheel so he can just speed around the bases? Maybe instead of playing baseball, they can just brawl to decide who gets on base?
If you think that sounds like a great fucking idea, YOU ARE FUCKING RIGHT.
YEAH, FUCK HIM UP GRAY!!!
Anyway, no, that's not the point of baseball. People want to know that the dude swinging the bat is all dude (like me, and WHAT A DUDE!), not some fake testosterone or unnatural muscle growth. It's just not fun. It's like playing TIE Fighter in invincible mode. I mean sure, it's fun parking in front of a Star Destroyer and shooting it down while it helplessly shoots at you, but after that, what are you really doing? Wasting everyone's time. It's stupid. Cheating is for people who can't have fun doing what they're doing, aka BABIES.
4. The National League. Abolish it. Now. It really is the JV league. I'm all for tradition and shit but making pitchers bat was a bad idea because pitchers don't learn how to hit. It's fucking baseball, what do you mean you don't know how to hit?
Worse yet, because these idiots can't hit, then that means that they have to bunt. Bunting is retarded. If it is ever decided that intentionally walking the likes of Ross Gload is considered a good idea, it means you're doing baseball wrong, NL. GET LOST.
But baseball rocks despite this shit because nothing is perfect, not even me. I leave .000000000001% imperfect because I like the challenge. And fuck all the haters, baseball 4ever.
In closing, I leave you with something Hitler would've been proud to see his language reduced to:
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