It's certainly exciting to watch. The protesters/rebel alliance are mostly young, tech savvy people using the power of Twitter and YouTube and the Internet in general to bypass the state's attempts at controlling communication. It's not exactly revolutionary (hyuck), although I am beginning to suspect that Twitter arranged this as an ultimate viral marketing campaign. I expect an ARG to be unveiled shortly.
Will they prevail? It's hard to say. The first time Iranians revolted, it took them over a year to overthrow the Shah (no word if anyone went "Shah, right!" when someone asked for Reza after he was deposed). Meanwhile, it took only two months for the Berlin Wall to tumble after protesters started. Maybe this one will wrap up in time for "Entourage's" premiere.
Speaking of which, there are a few notable things lacking that I think the protestors could use to good effect. Here are some suggestions for them to liven up the place:
1) Pies! Everyone loves a good pieing. Very few people are pied and have their credibility in tact afterwards. A well-placed pie on Khamenei could end his regime overnight, but understandably it's hard to get near the bastard. Even a suicide pie-er would have little chance.
On the other hand, the government's foot soldiers are ripe for pieing. Imagine watching a basij trying to beat someone while covered in cream or, worse, lemon meringue! His morale would break down in seconds. And best of all, when it's all over, we can appropriately backdrop the whole thing with Yakety Sax.
However, just to be on the safe side, no apple pies should be used. If there's any hint of American involvement, it could undermine the whole movement. Also, please do not use cherry pies, I hate that song and I do not want ironic tie-ins with it. Thanks. You're welcome.
2) Rappers! Nothing livens up things like a good rap artist appearing and making women do ungodly things. And the current rap scene is just as hot as it has been in a long time.
Iranians love western culture, so surely they will appreciate not mere shout-outs from some of today's hottest acts, but entire appearances and perhaps even a concert could overwhelm the Council of Experts with their starpower and gaudiness.
But who to send? When I considered this question, I immediately thought of HOVA, that is Jay-Z. HOV, like the HOV lane, is highly coveted all over the world, and he knows it. His "swagger" and "sunglasses" give him a cool demeanor, inspiring all around him with his ability to "talk jive" and "perform complex equasions." He's savvy and rich enough to market the revolution to a hip, cultured, suburban audience. Imagine him remixing the video to his hit song "H to the Izzo" down Iran Street, perhaps in Farsi. Hell, for the women alone it would be worth it.
There's a strong temptation to send Li'l Wayne over. While he's the undisputed king of rap (God save him), there's a strong chance that he could be overplayed and that the revolution would peter out. On the other hand, "Every Girl" is a great song.
For the practical amongst us, 50 Cent would be a very good choice. He's an exception feuder as the now-emasculated Rick Ross now knows (sorry Rick still love ya). 50 also has experience in blowing people away over drug money. I don't know if hookah is considered a drug per se, but if someone convinced 50 that that shit was prime for marketing in Iran, I'm sure he'd be all over it. Hell, he seems to have some experience in that area of the world already.
3) Dizzy Dizzy motherfucking Dinosaur. In the days of yore (as in, yore a cocksnuff laffo), board games often only hinted at danger, such as Trouble and its horrifying secret of the dome (but that's a story for another day, children). But few board games were as visceral as Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur, the game where cavemen literally stacked up in order to be bashed or trampled to death by a crazed vertigo-suffering dinosaur.
The face of revolution
With Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur on their side, the protestors cannot fail. All they need to do is trick the police and basij into forming neat stacks of authoritarianism, then unleash the unforgiving power of Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur. After one spin around Iran Square, the government will have to lay down its arms, terrified by visions of the dinosaur knocking over shit in the presidential palace or something.
But be warned, protestors, for Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur cannot be tamed. Once he is wound up, he will kill indiscriminantly. Be careful that you do not end up another victim of his malevolent, semi-confused rage.
4) The tea partiers. In May 20 or something, 300,000 people worldwide turned out to protest teabags or some shit. I don't really know what it was about but it apparently involved a lot of middle-class white people making asses of themselves over paying taxes. While Iran has a notable lack of white people, it does have an abundance of people willing to go out and actually protest something.
Never forget... to tip your waitress.
But, you might say, you're a total dreamboat! Well yes, Tina, I am, but that doesn't have much to do with the current situation. You might also say that the tea partiers were pathetic in number, largely motivated by stupidity, and didn't have to face down any real threats other than threats to their dignity. True on all points, but that's not the point, as it were. No points for pointing that out. Now take point with the point guard, and be on point! Excuse me while I write a few pointers to my PowerPoint presentation for the Poynter Institute.
Okay I'm bored with that now. Anyway, What the tea partiers lacked in numbers, determination and credibility, they made up for with outrageous silliness. I don't know if Iran has a Glenn Beck. I'm pretty sure they have at least one mentally unstable moron who probably goes home each night and screams at hallucinations in the basement. Now all they'd need is one such moron who actually doesn't represent the authoritarian elements of society, slap some teabags on him, and voila, now the protest can draw in the sheepish, clueless Iranian middle class.
I don't know how the class situation breaks down in Iran. Apparently Ahmedinejad was popular with the poor a few years ago, so that makes this strategy ripe for motivating the anti-poor people in Iran. If the protestors can maintain the image that they're not just a bunch of kids yelling "NO, YOU CLEAN UP THE YARD, DAD," that could provide the critical mass needed to finally force real change in the country (or, as some might say, change you can believe in!!!!).
Imagine a whole army of miffed Iranian middle-classers (we call them midders) making overly wordy signs calling Khamenei a communist and a socialist and a pedophile. Country singers asking us to remember that day when, um, some gay people were spotted and promptly disposed of, but not before causing untold awkwardness around the town for a while. Hell, I'm sure they can come up with their own version of THIS IS ARE COUNTRY.
The only problem is what the tea partiers would do when actually confronted with police who were not openly sympathetic with their disdain for the non-caucasoid in chief. There might be confusion at the notion of actually fighting the cops, and that could lead to the tea partiers turning on the protestors briefly before slinking back home to watch Pajamas Media videos of Yentas Yammering for Yisrael. It's a risky proposition, but when you're in open rebellion against a bunch of old people, risk is the name of the game.
5) Speaking of which, if the protestors are to achieve final victory, they must absolutely start in Australia or they will be ruined.
***
The protestors are fighting hard for their freedoms (or as they might say, ARE FREEDOMS), and a lot of concerned yankees are sitting around wondering what they can do to help them. Well sorry, chum, there's fuck all you can do unless you can set up a proxy for the Iranians to use to circumvent state censors. And even then that's not too useful. Some people think we should turn everything green to support the protestors, but that's foolish, since all that would do is embolden the Libyans.
Americans deep down inside love adventure, and they secretly wish they can be in the middle of Tehran, yelling FUCK DA POLICE and actually not appear stupid. But this is one that's best watched from afar. Maybe one day we'll have our own revolution, and then you can go out and protest all you want. But until the country can rise a bit beyond the level of a loose confederation of confused white people vaguely complaining about Obama, we'll just have to enjoy revolution through fucking Twitter.
Hmmm, maybe it's for the best it doesn't happen here at all.
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