I'm going going back back to Cali Cali

Manny "Manuela" "Manny Mo" "Ramirez" Ramirez is soon to be returning to baseball, fresh off his 50-day suspension for trying to turn into a girl, or something. Of course, the real reason he got suspended was because he was roiding up. Correction: the real reason he was suspended is because he got caught.

Manny's suspension followed a long line of roids outings in the world of baseball. Basically the only decent baller from the past 10 years who has not been confirmed or strongly suspected is Albert "Poo Holes" Pujols, and even ESPN contends that he is a machine and therefore inelligble for the Hall of Fame.

What's notable about Manny getting caught is that he throws cold, piss-filled, possibly shark-infested water on the vaunted Red Sox World Series, which already were suspect as they were achieved against teams from the National League, which is not actually a functioning professional baseball league.

Yes, everyone from the around the world knows about how the Sox defeated the unstoppable St. Louis Cardinals, coached by world-renowned drunk, to break the Curse of the BAMBINO, thus taking away the very last leg of sympathy that Boston had to stand on. Once the Sox clinched that title, they went from hideous underdog shitheads to flat-out evildoers, thus joining the ranks of the Yankees, minus like a billion or so World Series.

With roider after roider popping up, baseball's ability to charm people by pretending to be a kid's game played by grownups (see also: politics, eating mudpies), everyone has gotten a healthy wake-up call, and baseball, like pro football, was confirmed for the soulless corporate exercise that it has been for decades. But everyone deep down knew that.

Just like everyone knows that when they watch "Transformers 2," they are watching a piece of corporate trash that is at least entertaining. WAIT NO HAHA. How about, just like everyone knows that when they watch any Hollywood movie, or read any popular book, or watch any TV show, they are paying some large corporate deity for some form of entertainment. That doesn't mean that all the shit you engage in isn't art, but you expect a modicum of quality for your money.

One of the unspoken qualities of pro baseball is that it's "real." Yes, the rivalries, the attitudes, the coverage and the presentation are all artificial, but when the game is on, you expect that the players are at least earnestly going through the motions, just like when you buy a loaf of bread, you're actually getting bread and not bales of cotton rolled up to look like bread (which incidentally tastes great, especially with marsalla!).

But roiding in baseball ruins that, I think, for most people. Because most people, like me, at least want to watch baseballers earnestly play. We want to embrace the notion that some people are just that good at a stupid kid's game, getting that way through sheer talent, determination and hard work. It makes us think, "Hey, if Koyee Hill can make the major leagues, maybe I can finally make vice president of middle management!!!" Well not me, middle management sucks. I'm not gonna stop until I make ASSISTANT HEAD CUSTODIAN. GET THE FUCK OFF MY FLOOR I JUST MOPPED THERE.

For the Red Sox Nation (analogous to Zimbabwe minus the blacks), winning it all in 2004 was a cathartic experience, finally cleansing themselves of all the curses, the jeers, the rampant failure. But sadly, nothing can cleanse them of the grime, BO or pink caps.

But now that Manny is a confirmed roider (and David "hmmm suddenly I play like an old man" Ortiz not being far from suspect), that catharsis gets to be thrown in the trash heap of phoney illusions barfed up from baseball since the 90s. Now Manny (and who knows how many other Sox) have tarnished that image, but perhaps the timing was best for the Sox and their smelly (Y'ALL STINK) fans, for it happened at a time where most people are just fed up with baseball and don't give a shit either way.

"But [insert author's name here], surely that means that the Yankees four titles in the 90s are also tarnished!" Well yeah, but that's ancient history, along with McGwire and Sosa. And only Yankees fans care about that shit anyway. And guess what, only Red Sox fans care about Red Sox World Series. One thing I've NEVER accepted about pro sports is how super-cool-awesome it is when a team that isn't the team you root for wins a championship. That's like caring because Italy beat Shitholeland (loofa, you mean Italy beat itself?) in some war, except sports has no real-world relevance at all. Why should I care that the fucking Steelers won a Super Bowl? They suck and they play in a city that is literally crumbling. When it comes to championships for non-favorite teams, the best you can hope for is that the shittier team loses. Everyone is happy that the Lakers beat the Magic because the Magic suck and Orlando sucks and everything in Florida sucks especially and FUCK YOU DWIGHT IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT MY GIRL AGAIN I WILL KILL YOU.

So in reality, Manny has been a net positive for me, personally, because that means his mere presence reminds everyone that the Sox's championships were dirty, and then we won't have to hear all about how MIRACULOUS it was that they BEAT THE CARDINALS and ENDED THE CURSE. Because the Sox're all cheaters and cheaters never prosper. Except for every year in baseball over the past 15 years. But yeah.

Thank you Manny, and welcome back. We missed you!!!