Heads up! Something is out there!!

Space is the bomb. The bomb diggety. I love outer space because it's all full of crazy shit that you can't even imagine. There are quasars, pulsars, novae, nebulae, African-American holes, caucasian dwarfs, Amerindian dwarfs, and the occasional ladybug.

There is, however, something unsettling about outer space, too. Well, there's a shitload of unsettling things. It's cold, for one thing, and I hate the cold. It's also kinda boring just floating out there, having nothing to do but play Kirby's Pinball. It's also really quiet. Too quiet... like it's planning something...

Actually, it kinda is. Even though space looks kinda placid, it's got tons of shit going on all the time, namely comets, asteroids and off-Broadway shoes starring TV sitcom B-actors. A lot of that shit can really fuck us up, though. In the next 40 years or so, several asteroids are expected to pass rather close to the planet. That's pretty goddamn scary and shit. What if one of them grazes the planet and scrapes Omaha, like a razor blade busting open a zit? Will the US be inundated with puss-filled Nebraskans? The mind shudders to think it.

But what is the worst that can happen, really? Let's find out!

1. Sun gets bored with us and flings us from orbit.

It's true that the sun can't actually fling us from orbit by itself. But it can get the other planets to gang up on us and subtlely pull us off course, like that episode of the Twilight Zone. You know, the one where the kid makes the rest of the world disappear and he turns that guy into a jack-in-the-box.

Why would the sun do that to us, its No. 1 attraction? Well think about it. Here we are, taking all of the sun's energy and giving nothing in return but ozone. Meanwhile, the other planets hate our guts. Ooooohhh, Earth gets all the lifeforms, while Venus is almost literally covered in bad breath!! They'd love to knock us off our pedestal and turn us into another barren, horrid shithole like South Boston.

It's unlikely that this can happen anytime soon, though. With all those occlusions or whatever they're called, the gravitaional forces of the solar system make everything pretty even, so the chances of anything knocking us off our orbit are slim. There is, however, the chance that when the sun begins to expand, it could push us out just enough to fuck us. But that's not for like a hundred billion years or so. In the meantime, the other planets will just have to DEAL WITH IT.

2. Asshole planet barges into solar system and bullwhips us into the cosmos.

Conspiracy nuts aren't content to keep their ideas to Dealey Plaza or the Nazis. Yes, even beyond the moon, some conspiracy nuts believe that bad shit happens because of a Planet X. No, it's not in the Nation of Islam, but it's almost as bad. Planet X is a theoretical planetoid that occasionally pops into the solar system, flies near the Earth, then flies away.

I've never fully understood this supposed intruder negroid planet. First of all, how the fuck can something so large fly so close, and yet nobody notices it? Astronomers (and possibly also botanists) have been tracking large interstellars objects, making sure that they don't come too close to us. So a huge planet slingshotting around escapes their notice? Nuh-uh, says Cho'gall, and I agree.

But the conspiracy nuts simply point out that Planet X is suppressed. We're not supposed to know about it because one day it'll fly up to us and knock us off our orbit, as in point 1. But this would not be a Sol-endorsed action. Is there a ragamuffin planet out there, playing a game of intergalactic chicken with us? Only the men with the tinfoil hats know for sure.

3. Earth is pocketed in a galactic game of pool.

Asteroids are the No. 1 cosmic threat we face. Well no, bees!!! are the No. 1 cosmic threat we face, but asteroids are a close second. Asteroids are giant chunks of rocks floating around the universe, just knocking into shit. They're the reason why the moon has pimples. They also may be the reason why the dinosaurs all died (either that, or dinosaur-on-dinosaur crime got out of control. When will the dinosaurs learn to increase the peace???).

Astronomers keep track of these bastards all the time, though for what purpose is unknown. There's nothing we can really do now to stop an asteroid short of launching Michael Bay at them. I guess astronomers are playing a game. First one to find the killer asteroid wins a happy meal!!

Even though the astronomers have a good bead on a number of them, they admit that watching all of the sky is impossible. It just might be that there's an asteroid floating around out there on an intercept course with our asses. If it's large enough, it could go kablammo and destroy everybody except cockroaches and Peter Frampton (there is no killing that guy!!).

It is theoretically possible for there to be an asteroid large enough to actually pummel the Earth from orbit, but not big enough to annihilate it like a watermelon nailed by a bullet. What if someone, perhaps God or Vishnu or that faggot Osiris is just playing a game of cosmic pool (not billiards, that's for shits)? What if that bastard called out EARTH, CORNER BLACK HOLE. WATCH THIS ASSHOLES!!! and launched a cuesteroid at us? And what if he launches a Captain EO shot that totally blindsides us? It would probably be very gay. But it could happen.

4. Hungry hungry black hole eats our shit.

Black holes get their name because everything that goes into them is annihilated into a fine black paste. It tastes really good on meat, but the tricky part is getting the stuff.

So far, there are tons of black holes out there. While they seem huge and imposing, they are in fact only tiny and imposing. They are so dense that not even light can escape their greedy, assholish grasp. Light! The fastest thing in the universe aside from me after having some chili and sensing a bathroom nearby, heyo!!

You might be curious as to how we can even detect these things. Well it's easy, numbnuts. All you have to do is follow the gigantic sucking sound, although that has become more difficult nowadays with the Mets. Haha, holy shit I'm on fire tonight! Anyway, the other way to see these bastards is by detecting Hawking radiation. I have no clue what that is, but apparently black holes emit that shit. I guess it's like globs of sweat coming off a pig. A black pig. That eats light and planets.

Anyway, scientists aren't too worried about us running into one of these things, but you can never be too sure. If a black hole gets hungry enough, the solar system would be quite a tempting target. Jupiter alone supposedly tastes fucking amazing, and I'm willing to bet that 1.5 billion Chinamen would taste pretty good to a black hole. Will the Earth become Kung Pow Planet? And will we only have FIVE-TEN MINUTE!!!!! warning before we disappear into the maw of a starving hole? Food for thought.

5. Plopped in a microwave by a nova, set for "cook," 15 seconds. Mmmm!

Everyone flips their shit over solar flares baking the Earth. But that's small-time. The real threat to global cookery is gamma rays.

Gamma rays are sorta like microwaves, except instead of delightfully heating up your macaroni, they burn you into pure fuck. Actually that's not strictly true. While gamma rays can indeed fry shit, their main super threat to us is utterly wiping out the ozone layer, not unlike how UV rays do it. Well, I think UV rays do it. I'm not entirely sure.

But without the ozone layer, according to my 4th grade science class, we are all triple-topping fucked. Even if somehow we survive the gamma ray bath, the sun's UV rays, now completely unimpeded by ozone, would give us a cancer bath instead. Life as we know it would be over, unless we can come up with SPF 2,000,0000,00000000,00,0,,0f,00,0004 sunscreen.

On the other hand, it should provide for decent beach weather, so there are tradeoffs here.

Gamma rays only happen when a star novas. According to a reliable source, a star nearby us is about to or may already have gone nova, and it is in such a position that will, and I quote, "drop lasers on our asses." So it could happen any day now!!! If you hear loud beeping in the sky, followed by a guy going, "Honey? Should I pizza or chicken it?" get under the shade, pronto.

6. Solar system bumps into stack of boxes carried by clumsy galaxy.

The Milky Way is like a guy carrying a shitload of stuff. He's happily walking along when, uh oh! another galaxy walks up to it, equally burdened by stuff. The two collide, and stars start smacking into each other. Can that really happen?

Actually, you nimrod, it's happening as we speak! Or type! Or listen to this blog on audiobook! Only $24.99 at Barnes & Noble!

Yes, the Milky Way is in the process of colliding with another galaxy. I don't know which galaxy, perhaps it's the Frank Galaxy that lives upstairs. He's always bumping into stuff! Anyway, according to a reliable source, we're actually safe... for now. If you stick with the analogy for a second longer, imagine the solar system as being carried on the Milky Way's back while the Milky Way collides with Frank in the front. Everything the Milky Way carries in his (yes, it's a man, okay? I checked. No, it's not bigger than mine, that's for sure, ladies!) hands crashes into everything in Frank's hands, so we're safe on his back, away from the carnage in the front.

But this won't be the last time the Milky Way smacks into another galaxy. And the Milky Way is a constantly rotating entity, so the solar system is bound to be on the front line sooner or later. What if a collision happens, and we're in the front?

It's unlikely that another star will literally bash into us. Outer space is frickin' HUGE, MAN. Like, WOW. But, if we brush up close enough to another star, the orbits of the solar system can be severely disrupted, and we could be flung out into the cold, smelly reaches of space. And that would be pretty gay now that I think about it.

It could be possible that another star from a foreign galaxy bumbles into us like a clumsy Nicaraguan. If that were to happen, it would be pretty funny. Imagine the largest America's Funniest Home Videos episode, ever.

Here we see the solar system, minding its own business. Uh ohhh, here comes star ECB-FU2!! What's he doing? Look out! *googidagoogidagoogidagoogida crash boiiiiiiing smash!!!: :laugh track: Oh my, that's certainly not a good STARt! :crowd applauds:

If that were to happen, the sun would probably be annihilated considering that it's relatively small as stars go. As for us, well, I don't have to tell you. We'd be totally safe.








Ahahahaha, holy shit I can't believe you actually believed that! Ahahahahaha!



The next time you look up at the sky, admire all its beauty and all the cool shit and stuff. But be careful. Somewhere out there, in the darkness, something terrible is lurking, and it just might take us all out one day. And not in a good way. I mean it'll take us out to a movie. A bad movie. And it won't leave until it's over. And then it'll take us to a diner. And you know what'll happen next. "Did you like the movie?" "Eh, it was okay." "Well what didn't you like about it?" ":sigh:"

God, it frightens me just thinking about it...