Immortality is the greatest thing ever. It's also highly overrated.

It would seem that my moms is reading the "Twilight" series of books by Stephanie "BRIGHAM YOUNG" Meyer. Oh lord.

There's a shitload of things wrong with "Twilight," such as the utter banality of the story to the size 40 font size to the despicable (despicable) writing style to the misogyny to the utter failure of conception that it is. But this post, like Barack Obama, is not about that. The books are bad though seriously if you take nothing else away from this, believe me that the books are bad. They're bad. THEY RAPED MY FATHER.

Anyway, I think the most repulsing thing about the books is that the protagonist (no, not Bella, the other one) is an immortal vampire who has the appearance of roughly an 18-year old post-emo shitstain. Yes of course it's a cliche, but what galls me the most is that this little wanker is immortal, incapable of dropping dead like so many NBC pilots, and yet he literally fucks around in HIGH SCHOOL. I mean, he LITERALLY does it. IN THE LITERAL SENSE. And if it's one thing I hate more than immortal vampire cliches, it's people misusing "literal."

This is how wonderfully bereft of imagination Meyer is. Here you have someone who has lived like a century, and okay yes he looks like a chump kid, but all he's interested in is banging high schoolers and flunking chemistry?

I think it's telling when anyone writes a story about immortals. In this case, we have Meyer, able to grant this enormous gift to anyone she wants, and what does she do with it? She gives it to a prick and his prick family and they squander it. They squander it by being stuck as perpetual adolescents. And while it's true that most adults really don't get past adoloscense, it's also true that they're all boring punks and are the cause of most of the world's problems and I object to being asked to sympathize with them.

In Bella Whateverthefuck (and in a lesser sense, Eddie "Not as good as Matt" Cullen), Meyer imagines herself as being a mincing vampiress living forever (or as they say in "The Sandlot," FOR-EH-VUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH) with her shitty boring boyfriend. Well I don't care how stupid you are, you're going to get bored with someone if their idea of a good time is perpetually attending study hall.

Because I mean look, can we be real for a second? Can we B Real? Cullen is a fucking VAMPIRE. He doesn't have to pretend to be a kid for the rest of his loathsome imaginary existence. I mean, for God's sake ANNE FUCKING RICE does more interesting things with her gay vampires!! But he does it anyway. And his family pretends to be boring ol' middle class chumps living in fucking Washington state. I don't get it. And I'm not supposed to get it because I'm not a middle-aged housewife who's grown bored of Fabio. But it still alarms me nonetheless.

There have been countless stories told about immortality and how great/ungreat it is. Everyone usually concludes that immortality is in fact balls, being fun for a little bit before shit takes over. I'm not so sure that I agree with that assessment, but then again, I am not immortal myself so I am biased.

I think the quintessential depiction of immortality in popular media comes in "Vampire Hunter D," portrayed quite plainly by Count Lee, the unmincing vampiric villain. Lee flat-out states that being a vampire sucks cock because it means he can't die, and that means he's bored all the time. "Perpetual boredom," he says in the dub (in Japanese he says something like "Higeyoshi tsune maka baka wa! NANI??? SUPERU-GATCHAMAN POWER UP! FIGHT FOR LOVE!!").

Well yeah, if you're an old yet powerful vampire and you have nothing to do, then yeah, you're going to get bored. Lee tries to spice things up by banging sluts but in the end it's pretty clear that he's desperate and it's sad. Then D kills him and it fucking ROCKS. Good movie go see it.

There's not a lot of nuance to the depiction, but when we're talking about shit as grand as immortality, I don't think nuance becomes a factor. At least not for long. I mean sure, after the first 100 years, being unable to die sounds great. You get to travel the world, watch the world change, see all sorts of interesting people and so on. But then we inevitably see two problems spring up: 1) a lack of permanence and 2) super boredom.

The first point usually gets brought up when people try to wrestle with immortality in fiction. Vampire stories tend to do so because the poor widdle vampire can't marry his cute human bride because eventually she gets old and then dies but meanwhile he stays studly and unchanging and Gary Oldmanish. And then he gets all sad because she's dead and he can't die and now he's allllll alone!

This may not be a problem for our adolescent types, though. Because adoloscents are unable to see clearly beyond a few days what their long-term goals are, they think that whomever they've hooked up with at the moment is their ONE TRU ROVE and then oops they get bored and there's that. Onto the next one! So if your old broad dies, well, really what adolescent immortal is even going to hang around when the first wrinkles come? Immortals don't have the luxury of loving people for who they are because there are so many damn people that it's pointless. Why get attached when you'll have centuries of hotties to work with? Deep down, adolescents know this is true but they delude themselves because the delusion is nicer. But despite their hypothetical longevity, relationships like that end.

Unless they can loophole it by making their current crush immortal, just like them, as what happens in "Twilight." Oh sorry did I spoil it for you? You're welcome.

Yes that's the solution Bella and Edvard (Slavic spelling) come up with. Bella becomes a vamp bitch and after some stupid nonsense with some other vampires, they live happily ever after. They do so because Ms. Meyer is not an adult and thinks there is such thing as "ever after." It doesn't occur to her that, in all likelihood, if Eduardo (Chinese spelling) didn't get bored with Bella (shitty name spelling) when she caught her first whiff of menopause, he would after realizing that she's an insufferable bitch and, as an immortal, he is under no obligation to put up with her shit forever. And there would go that.

So what's the deal then? Is immortality all it's crack-cocaine'd up to be? I don't really know. When I was growing up, I wanted to be a baseball player, and then a cop. I also wanted to live forever because the world was just so damn fascinating and technology was becoming cooler and shit seemed to be progressing. But now I'm not so sure. I mean, let's just stick with the practical. What if I accidentally kill someone and then I get sent to jail for life. I mean sure after 400 years someone would notice that I'm still serving the sentence, but that would really be a stupid predicament to find myself in. What if I fell into the Grand Canyon? What if I fell off a boat in the middle of the Pacific? What if I accidentally was jettisoned into space? What if a natural disaster or nuclear war wipes out everyone? Not so fun now, is it? Well, as long as I have a Gameboy and Kirby's Pinball, yes it is you fucking loser KIRBY'S PINBALL IS THE SHIT.

"The Twilight Zone" was keenly aware of this reality and made a few jabs at how living perpetually is a risky move at best, and kinda pointless at worst.

There's also of course the argument that, well, humans are supposed to die. Circle of life and all that. Your job, as a gazelle, is to get eaten by Mufasa because you are the jungle equivalent of a serf. Not even a serf. You're literally cattle to be eaten by the lions and Disney perpetuates feudalism. YOU FUCKING BASTARDS. But yeah, nobody is supposed to live forever. It's unnatural, and unnatural is scary because we can't imagine what else there's supposed to be. And yes, that is a completely ironic view to hold.

If you have someone who can't die, what then, ultimately, is he or she (let's be real though, only men can be immortals. Sorry girls, but I am a fucking sexist DEAL WITH IT) supposed to do with their time? Do they stand out and have people notice that they never age? Or do they sit perpetually in the background, being drifters and observers, unable to alter the world around them because they know that the world they live in is one constant temporary state of being after another, and that true permanence is illusory when it comes to human affairs?

I mean, don't give me those two classic immortality subsitituion bullshit canards. You know them well. "Ohhh, but what if you do something so great you're remembered throughout history? That's like being immortal!"

Well no, it's not at all like being immortal. It just isn't. I mean, look at Lincoln. He's pretty much "immortal" in the imagination of Americans. They can see him, they imagine how he talks, and they have a basic template of his personality that they feel like they know him. So does that mean he's alive, in the heart of every man and woman, in the smile of every baby, in the wings of every majestic bird? No you stupid twat. He's dead. He told me so when I called him the other day! Actually he was more like "OH MY GOD WHERE THE FUCK AM I? IT'S DARK! I CAN'T MOVE! HOLY FUCK WHO IS THIS CALLING ME RIGHT NOW? NO I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW I'M IN THIS THING! YEAH IT'S LIKE A BOX. WHAT? NO, I DIDN'T GET THE EGGS I'M SORRY I FORGOT. WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD'VE PUT IT ON THE LIST. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANTED TO ASK ME? JUST WRITE IT ON THE FUCKING LIST. WHAT DO YOU THINK IT'S THERE FOR? NO LOOK HONEY, SORRY, I GOTTA GET OUT OF THIS THING I'M IN OKAY? YES. OKAY. I'LL TELL HER. LOVE YOU TOO. BYE."

But yeah, Lincoln is dead and he ain't coming back. He no longer exists except in Heaven, and even there he's not that big a deal. His body has turned most likely to dirt or perhaps even mud, and he is a part of the ecosystem. And no that's not like being immortal either. If you could somehow retain your consciousness while going through the digestive tract of a non-large worm, then we could argue if he was still alive. But you can't. And believe me I tried. It sucked. But it was a worthwhile learning experience.

So no, that's not at all like being immortal except in the most abstract of senses. And humans do not exist in abstract terms unless you're some kind of bored god observing the universe and going "heh" from time to time.

What about the other way? "Oh, well if you have a family, you live on through your family!" No. No you don't. It's real easy folks, you cease to matter to your family after a few generations. I don't know who my great-great grandparents are. I just don't. They have no bearing on me. I mean sure, I guess in some way I vaguely resemble them visually, but that's where it ends. I don't even know their names!! And how far forward is this immortality supposed to go? Do you think my proto-ancestors back in 200 B.C. were going, "Well I hope our greatx31 grandkid Adam turns out to be handsome and awesome and great and shit, and I hope he lands a bangin' Massachusetts bitch and they have lots of kids and then he retires as a world-class jetskiing champ and she becomes a famous writer and they have such pretentious conversations. I really hope that's what happens with him." No, they didn't say that at all.

Hell, they didn't even speak english, first of all, and second of all they were probably serfs in Latium. Wait, they weren't even all in Latium. Some probabaly came from Latium. (That's in Italy by the way if you don't know shit.) Some were probably in north Africa. Some were probably in Turkey. Some were probably Mongols, Chinese, Harrapans, Israelites. Some were probably Jews, Christians, pagans, Zoroastrians and Mormons who time-traveled back to the past to fuck their ancestors because Mormons are really really weird like that. And if you want to be even more fucking outlandish about it, some were probably apes, amphibians, fish, avians, trichordates (I know I have some trichordate blood in me I KNOW IT. IF YOU AIN'T A TRI YOU AIN'T FLY), eukaryotes, etc.

There is no permanence there. It's all changing. And when things change enough, they cease to be what they were. My Sicilian ancestors don't resemble me today. They just don't. They were shorter and spoke a different language and had different expectations out of life and had different understandings about how the universe was. They haven't passed anything onto me but greasy hair, dark skin and a desire to ravish every Roman bitch who comes my way. And do I!

And that's absolutely okay. I'm not really concerned what my space-descendants are going to be like outside of a general desire that their world is a more just and less shitty place than it is today. I can't bring myself to care about my great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson Adam IX Space Poseidon and his wife, a robot named INDUSTRIAL MODEL 62-A. Actually wait, that's fucking gross. No kid of mine is gonna be a robofag. NO ROBAGS!!!! :votes Space Republican:

I think my carenocity (a measure of care) will only reach to my great-great grandkids. I think that's about as much as I can muster. I don't even know if I'll even see them but I'm sure they won't be that annoying. At least they better not, or you better fucking believe I'm not gonna give them any vintage coins for their first birthday.

But yeah, that's not immortality in the slightest. That's just people trying to come to terms with their own lack of permanance, and they're trying to punt it by saying they don't have to DEAL. WITH. IT. because it's not really a problem because hey, live on through kids! But that unleashes all sorts of other unhealthy bullshit that's not worth going into at this point.

So there's nothing else to talk about re: this subject anymore. In conclusion, I will say that extending lifespans is ultimately pointless. Who wants to be an old dude for 30 more years? WHO???? No, the only thing that can REALLY usher in immortality is the Singularity. I don't really know how exactly that'll work but it's supposed to be awesome. Imagine being a computer playing Kirby's Pinball, forever... my god, so this is what Heaven is like..............

DE END.

Barack Obusha: The Barack Bummer Obum Badum Bla Bloo Borsh

This is Barack Obama, 56th President of the United States. Standing in front of him is some black guy.

A hyuck! It's been six months since the Obummer took his oath of office and officially became prez. Since that time he's done a lot of shit, some cool, mostly bad. This is problematic because the alternative, John McCain, would have been an abject disaster. With Obummer, we have a moderately bad disaster.

Okay I'll admit it: Obama getting elected was exciting because of the hisory and the fact that he seemed to be just that much better than McCain. It was cool. But it didn't take long for him to start fucking up and my tolerance of him ended after around 30 days or so. No bitches, honeymoons don't last 100 days, we can't afford a 100-day trip to Egypt! Sorry baby!

A lot of youngsters thought that Obama would be cool, not merely because he can swagger or because he's got a decent crossover, but also because he could fix the problems the country faces, from pollution to the economy to health care to the invasion of midgets. Sadly, none of these problems have been fixed and my neighborhood is besieged by dwarves.

But here's the problem with kids: they don't know shit. Obama is nothing new. I remember enough of Clinton to know that he was disappointing his own peeps, but my years of Rush indoctrination prevented me from fully realizing that until it was too late. Consequently, we had Bush Jr., a fuck-up of the most bodacious caliber, and now Obama, who has the potential to match him. How? Let's count the ways.

1. Iraq? I rack you! RACK EM.

One of Obama's big promises was to draw down troops in Iraq and to eventually leave. Don't argue with me, he did say that in the campaign. Fast-forward to today, and we still have 100,000+ combat troops in Iraq. Sure, they withdrew from the cities (to bases either right next to or actually still inside the cities they were supposed to leave). But we should have a grand total of zero troops in there, and Obama sounded like that was the long-term plan.

Ending the war in Iraq (while escalating in Afghanistan, but that's another story altogether) has been a desire of the American people for a few years now, so getting outta there should be a slam dunk. But nope, the MIC is not done sucking the country dry yet. Americans ought to know by now but the MIC is still considered an ethereal spooky conspiracy boogeyman and as such aren't sure it exists.


As such, Obama is attempting to quash an Iraqi plebiscite that, if the majority of Iraqis say so, would force U.S. troops to leave in 2010 instead of 2011. This is plainly wrong but is a pretty clear example of how thoroughly entrenched business interests are in our foreign policy and, guess what, Obama is more than happy with this setup.

2. I MAKE MONEY. :flings dollars around, slips on a greenback and breaks neck:

You're gonna notice a pattern here, a pattern that should be understandable unless you're a blathering retard. Every problem with Obama is related to cold, hard cash. In Iraq, it's controlling resources and paying off contractors. With TARP, it's a pure, unrestrained raid on the treasury.

Yes, you remember TARP, don't you? B-b-b-but, that's a BU$HITLER thing, isn't it? Well yeah, it started under Bush's tenure, but Obama endorsed it. Now Americans are turning to Obama to fix the economy, which includes maintaining the banking system and finding people jobs. Well, if you were hoping to find a job in this country unrelated to french fries or gunning down suspicious looking pedestrians, you're in for a long, tough slog.

TARP is not the reason why our economy is fucked but it is a sign of the kind of "solutions" that will be presented to fix it. Mainly, these solutions do two things: 1) enrich people who are already rich and 2) make it look like we're doing something. It's rare that the government nails something that actually accomplishes shit, but this is not the kind of thing we want nailed. Well, maybe you want to nail it but not me. I have someone else I want to nail. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE SHUT UP.

The cousin to TARP was the "stimulus" bill that Obama went balls-out for right away. The stimulus was designed to kickstart the economy by throwing a shitload of money all over the place and then running away while everyone is distracted by picking up the money. Actually, about half the stimulus was in meaningless tax cuts. The rest is sitting around doing not much of anything. I don't know why that money is just sitting around, but there it is.

Obama planned, or perhaps not, to use the stimulus to do all sorts of cool shit, like making the economy "greener" and build new railways and install phone booths that fellate people and shit. Instead, what's been used so far has been used to rebuild roads, an important task but not very imaginative or useful in the long run.

Are there any plans to do any of the big picture shit? Doubtful. The rest of that money is probably waiting for the right contractor to come along, saying that they can drive trucks around or dispose of hobos or whatever pointless task they can be paid to do. There is talk of another stimulus perhaps coming up, but with the economy not showing signs of meaningful recovery, it's doubtful there will be any willingness to go along with another (needed) stimulus. The only question now is when will people realize that the wealth created in the last decade is gone (and mostly wasn't there to begin with) and it's not coming back.

3. You got a stimpack. :hit by a rocket, gibbed motherfucker:

Health care is set to be Obama's biggest hurdle, but as we speak (haha sike, you're not allowed to talk bitch!), Congress is about to go on a vacation (not a staycation) without addressing the problem. And it is a problem, because if you step on a crack and break your mother's back, you go to jail. Wait, no, I got away with it. No, instead you go bankrupt trying to fix that broken back.

While America has top-notch health care, access to that health care is basically shut off to over 90% (not NINE THOUSAND!!!!!!!) of the population. Insurance companies, under their most benevolent leadership, have been gradually jacking up rates, fees, copays, taxes, levies, Levi, Jacob, stubs, chubbs, chubbies, premiums and prices for ice cream, until today the pleasure of having a thermometer shoved up your ass (the only way to do it) costs you $200 a pop. Do you know how hard it is to pay $200 for a thermometer up the ass? Let me just say that I've already burned through five mortages to feed the addiction!!!

Numerous complaints abound about our system, but the chief complaint is that it is absurdly unsustainable. No matter how healthy you are, one major malady can put you into severe debt, unless you're so rich that you can shrug off such costs, or you have an insurance policy worth a damn. Inusrance companies have come up with a bunch of ways to outfuck their customers when emergencies pop up. Have you an illness or condition prior to the emergency? You might just be denied coverage outright for pre-existing conditions! If you pass that hurdle, mayble they'll come up with a reason to not get you the treatment you need right away, hoping to stall you out or push you to less-effective treatment. If all else fails, they'll force you to pay a percentage of the treatment. So if you need to remove that girder that fell on your head, the de-girdering surgery that costs $250,000 will be half charged to you! Have $125k sitting around? Cool! Don't? That's okay, you can just go bankrupt/get fucked!

For the majority of Americans, this is a distinct possibility. If I were to get ovarian cancer, it could potentially ruin me. It would also be really insane because I don't have ovaries! (yet)!

!!!!

!! So we have recently this flare-up over who will pay for health care in America. Will it be the peons and plebes, or will it be the government? Obama has a solution:

Force everyone in America... to buy private health insurance... there is nothing else after that ellipsis... stop using ellipses...!

"Now wait one darn second there, missy!" you might be saying. And I'll remind you again that I do NOT have ovaries. "He's gonna make all of us buy insurance, but is he gonna fix the costs and force companies to treat us?" Well, he SAYS he will do both of those things. He also said we'd be getting out of Iraq, that we would take serious steps to improve the economy, that Santa is real (I WANT TO BELIEVE), that Mark Buehrle threw a perfect game, that's black, that he is the so-called President of a so-called America, and that this is what it's like when doves cry. In other words, he is a family that can't reconcile, if my understanding of "Purple Rain" is correct.

So you understand that the situation is already dicey. Add to that that the insurance companies have lobbied the everliving fuck out of Congress (who, at the end of the day, are the main driver of this shit) and you should realize that the chances of meaningful, effective health care reform in this country are basically nil. And that's no laughing matter.

On the other hand, "Ghostbusters" is pretty damn funny.

These are three reasons why Obama is an OBUM. But they aren't the only reasons, not by a long shot. The truth is that by the end of his first term, assuming the population isn't that retarded (a risky assumption to begin with), he is going to disappoint the shit out of the country. And things will be bad and you should feel bad. But, before he died, Michael Jackson sang "Bad," and it was a good song. Not his best but still good. And "Bad" begat "Fat," and most Americans are fat. And bad. But it is not the worst thing in the world. We could all be living in Omaha.

If this bummed you out, well, welcome to the real world SONNY.

Heads up! Something is out there!!

Space is the bomb. The bomb diggety. I love outer space because it's all full of crazy shit that you can't even imagine. There are quasars, pulsars, novae, nebulae, African-American holes, caucasian dwarfs, Amerindian dwarfs, and the occasional ladybug.

There is, however, something unsettling about outer space, too. Well, there's a shitload of unsettling things. It's cold, for one thing, and I hate the cold. It's also kinda boring just floating out there, having nothing to do but play Kirby's Pinball. It's also really quiet. Too quiet... like it's planning something...

Actually, it kinda is. Even though space looks kinda placid, it's got tons of shit going on all the time, namely comets, asteroids and off-Broadway shoes starring TV sitcom B-actors. A lot of that shit can really fuck us up, though. In the next 40 years or so, several asteroids are expected to pass rather close to the planet. That's pretty goddamn scary and shit. What if one of them grazes the planet and scrapes Omaha, like a razor blade busting open a zit? Will the US be inundated with puss-filled Nebraskans? The mind shudders to think it.

But what is the worst that can happen, really? Let's find out!

1. Sun gets bored with us and flings us from orbit.

It's true that the sun can't actually fling us from orbit by itself. But it can get the other planets to gang up on us and subtlely pull us off course, like that episode of the Twilight Zone. You know, the one where the kid makes the rest of the world disappear and he turns that guy into a jack-in-the-box.

Why would the sun do that to us, its No. 1 attraction? Well think about it. Here we are, taking all of the sun's energy and giving nothing in return but ozone. Meanwhile, the other planets hate our guts. Ooooohhh, Earth gets all the lifeforms, while Venus is almost literally covered in bad breath!! They'd love to knock us off our pedestal and turn us into another barren, horrid shithole like South Boston.

It's unlikely that this can happen anytime soon, though. With all those occlusions or whatever they're called, the gravitaional forces of the solar system make everything pretty even, so the chances of anything knocking us off our orbit are slim. There is, however, the chance that when the sun begins to expand, it could push us out just enough to fuck us. But that's not for like a hundred billion years or so. In the meantime, the other planets will just have to DEAL WITH IT.

2. Asshole planet barges into solar system and bullwhips us into the cosmos.

Conspiracy nuts aren't content to keep their ideas to Dealey Plaza or the Nazis. Yes, even beyond the moon, some conspiracy nuts believe that bad shit happens because of a Planet X. No, it's not in the Nation of Islam, but it's almost as bad. Planet X is a theoretical planetoid that occasionally pops into the solar system, flies near the Earth, then flies away.

I've never fully understood this supposed intruder negroid planet. First of all, how the fuck can something so large fly so close, and yet nobody notices it? Astronomers (and possibly also botanists) have been tracking large interstellars objects, making sure that they don't come too close to us. So a huge planet slingshotting around escapes their notice? Nuh-uh, says Cho'gall, and I agree.

But the conspiracy nuts simply point out that Planet X is suppressed. We're not supposed to know about it because one day it'll fly up to us and knock us off our orbit, as in point 1. But this would not be a Sol-endorsed action. Is there a ragamuffin planet out there, playing a game of intergalactic chicken with us? Only the men with the tinfoil hats know for sure.

3. Earth is pocketed in a galactic game of pool.

Asteroids are the No. 1 cosmic threat we face. Well no, bees!!! are the No. 1 cosmic threat we face, but asteroids are a close second. Asteroids are giant chunks of rocks floating around the universe, just knocking into shit. They're the reason why the moon has pimples. They also may be the reason why the dinosaurs all died (either that, or dinosaur-on-dinosaur crime got out of control. When will the dinosaurs learn to increase the peace???).

Astronomers keep track of these bastards all the time, though for what purpose is unknown. There's nothing we can really do now to stop an asteroid short of launching Michael Bay at them. I guess astronomers are playing a game. First one to find the killer asteroid wins a happy meal!!

Even though the astronomers have a good bead on a number of them, they admit that watching all of the sky is impossible. It just might be that there's an asteroid floating around out there on an intercept course with our asses. If it's large enough, it could go kablammo and destroy everybody except cockroaches and Peter Frampton (there is no killing that guy!!).

It is theoretically possible for there to be an asteroid large enough to actually pummel the Earth from orbit, but not big enough to annihilate it like a watermelon nailed by a bullet. What if someone, perhaps God or Vishnu or that faggot Osiris is just playing a game of cosmic pool (not billiards, that's for shits)? What if that bastard called out EARTH, CORNER BLACK HOLE. WATCH THIS ASSHOLES!!! and launched a cuesteroid at us? And what if he launches a Captain EO shot that totally blindsides us? It would probably be very gay. But it could happen.

4. Hungry hungry black hole eats our shit.

Black holes get their name because everything that goes into them is annihilated into a fine black paste. It tastes really good on meat, but the tricky part is getting the stuff.

So far, there are tons of black holes out there. While they seem huge and imposing, they are in fact only tiny and imposing. They are so dense that not even light can escape their greedy, assholish grasp. Light! The fastest thing in the universe aside from me after having some chili and sensing a bathroom nearby, heyo!!

You might be curious as to how we can even detect these things. Well it's easy, numbnuts. All you have to do is follow the gigantic sucking sound, although that has become more difficult nowadays with the Mets. Haha, holy shit I'm on fire tonight! Anyway, the other way to see these bastards is by detecting Hawking radiation. I have no clue what that is, but apparently black holes emit that shit. I guess it's like globs of sweat coming off a pig. A black pig. That eats light and planets.

Anyway, scientists aren't too worried about us running into one of these things, but you can never be too sure. If a black hole gets hungry enough, the solar system would be quite a tempting target. Jupiter alone supposedly tastes fucking amazing, and I'm willing to bet that 1.5 billion Chinamen would taste pretty good to a black hole. Will the Earth become Kung Pow Planet? And will we only have FIVE-TEN MINUTE!!!!! warning before we disappear into the maw of a starving hole? Food for thought.

5. Plopped in a microwave by a nova, set for "cook," 15 seconds. Mmmm!

Everyone flips their shit over solar flares baking the Earth. But that's small-time. The real threat to global cookery is gamma rays.

Gamma rays are sorta like microwaves, except instead of delightfully heating up your macaroni, they burn you into pure fuck. Actually that's not strictly true. While gamma rays can indeed fry shit, their main super threat to us is utterly wiping out the ozone layer, not unlike how UV rays do it. Well, I think UV rays do it. I'm not entirely sure.

But without the ozone layer, according to my 4th grade science class, we are all triple-topping fucked. Even if somehow we survive the gamma ray bath, the sun's UV rays, now completely unimpeded by ozone, would give us a cancer bath instead. Life as we know it would be over, unless we can come up with SPF 2,000,0000,00000000,00,0,,0f,00,0004 sunscreen.

On the other hand, it should provide for decent beach weather, so there are tradeoffs here.

Gamma rays only happen when a star novas. According to a reliable source, a star nearby us is about to or may already have gone nova, and it is in such a position that will, and I quote, "drop lasers on our asses." So it could happen any day now!!! If you hear loud beeping in the sky, followed by a guy going, "Honey? Should I pizza or chicken it?" get under the shade, pronto.

6. Solar system bumps into stack of boxes carried by clumsy galaxy.

The Milky Way is like a guy carrying a shitload of stuff. He's happily walking along when, uh oh! another galaxy walks up to it, equally burdened by stuff. The two collide, and stars start smacking into each other. Can that really happen?

Actually, you nimrod, it's happening as we speak! Or type! Or listen to this blog on audiobook! Only $24.99 at Barnes & Noble!

Yes, the Milky Way is in the process of colliding with another galaxy. I don't know which galaxy, perhaps it's the Frank Galaxy that lives upstairs. He's always bumping into stuff! Anyway, according to a reliable source, we're actually safe... for now. If you stick with the analogy for a second longer, imagine the solar system as being carried on the Milky Way's back while the Milky Way collides with Frank in the front. Everything the Milky Way carries in his (yes, it's a man, okay? I checked. No, it's not bigger than mine, that's for sure, ladies!) hands crashes into everything in Frank's hands, so we're safe on his back, away from the carnage in the front.

But this won't be the last time the Milky Way smacks into another galaxy. And the Milky Way is a constantly rotating entity, so the solar system is bound to be on the front line sooner or later. What if a collision happens, and we're in the front?

It's unlikely that another star will literally bash into us. Outer space is frickin' HUGE, MAN. Like, WOW. But, if we brush up close enough to another star, the orbits of the solar system can be severely disrupted, and we could be flung out into the cold, smelly reaches of space. And that would be pretty gay now that I think about it.

It could be possible that another star from a foreign galaxy bumbles into us like a clumsy Nicaraguan. If that were to happen, it would be pretty funny. Imagine the largest America's Funniest Home Videos episode, ever.

Here we see the solar system, minding its own business. Uh ohhh, here comes star ECB-FU2!! What's he doing? Look out! *googidagoogidagoogidagoogida crash boiiiiiiing smash!!!: :laugh track: Oh my, that's certainly not a good STARt! :crowd applauds:

If that were to happen, the sun would probably be annihilated considering that it's relatively small as stars go. As for us, well, I don't have to tell you. We'd be totally safe.








Ahahahaha, holy shit I can't believe you actually believed that! Ahahahahaha!



The next time you look up at the sky, admire all its beauty and all the cool shit and stuff. But be careful. Somewhere out there, in the darkness, something terrible is lurking, and it just might take us all out one day. And not in a good way. I mean it'll take us out to a movie. A bad movie. And it won't leave until it's over. And then it'll take us to a diner. And you know what'll happen next. "Did you like the movie?" "Eh, it was okay." "Well what didn't you like about it?" ":sigh:"

God, it frightens me just thinking about it...

A quick waste of time

From time to time, yes even I watch movies just to feel like I'm staving off death for another few hours. Tonight's fare was "Speed Racer," the 2008 hit (as in, it hit the bottom of the box office LAFFO how was that for redirection?) from the Wachowski Bros.

I could get into a detailed explanation about the films merits, or lack thereof, but I have a better idea.

First, take a blank sheet of paper, any size at all really. Next, take a dozen or so cans of spray paint. Make sure you are NOT wearing a mask.

Now, spray the paint all over the paper, being sure to include an equal amount of each color, for full effect. While this is all going on, breathe in as much as possible, preferably as close to the paint as possible.

The result may not be an accurate description of what happens in the movie or what it's like, but it is an activity more rewarding than watching any part of this movie.

That's how most movie reviews should be. There's really no point in writing a disseration as to why a shitty movie sucks. Even Ebert doesn't bother with full movie reviews anymore. Do I have to list all the reasons why "The Dark Knight" is a good flick? No. It's self-evidentary, really.

But really, "Speed Racer" is a total shit movie and it's good to know that my instinctual reactions to movies is still mostly in tact.

I'm going going back back to Cali Cali

Manny "Manuela" "Manny Mo" "Ramirez" Ramirez is soon to be returning to baseball, fresh off his 50-day suspension for trying to turn into a girl, or something. Of course, the real reason he got suspended was because he was roiding up. Correction: the real reason he was suspended is because he got caught.

Manny's suspension followed a long line of roids outings in the world of baseball. Basically the only decent baller from the past 10 years who has not been confirmed or strongly suspected is Albert "Poo Holes" Pujols, and even ESPN contends that he is a machine and therefore inelligble for the Hall of Fame.

What's notable about Manny getting caught is that he throws cold, piss-filled, possibly shark-infested water on the vaunted Red Sox World Series, which already were suspect as they were achieved against teams from the National League, which is not actually a functioning professional baseball league.

Yes, everyone from the around the world knows about how the Sox defeated the unstoppable St. Louis Cardinals, coached by world-renowned drunk, to break the Curse of the BAMBINO, thus taking away the very last leg of sympathy that Boston had to stand on. Once the Sox clinched that title, they went from hideous underdog shitheads to flat-out evildoers, thus joining the ranks of the Yankees, minus like a billion or so World Series.

With roider after roider popping up, baseball's ability to charm people by pretending to be a kid's game played by grownups (see also: politics, eating mudpies), everyone has gotten a healthy wake-up call, and baseball, like pro football, was confirmed for the soulless corporate exercise that it has been for decades. But everyone deep down knew that.

Just like everyone knows that when they watch "Transformers 2," they are watching a piece of corporate trash that is at least entertaining. WAIT NO HAHA. How about, just like everyone knows that when they watch any Hollywood movie, or read any popular book, or watch any TV show, they are paying some large corporate deity for some form of entertainment. That doesn't mean that all the shit you engage in isn't art, but you expect a modicum of quality for your money.

One of the unspoken qualities of pro baseball is that it's "real." Yes, the rivalries, the attitudes, the coverage and the presentation are all artificial, but when the game is on, you expect that the players are at least earnestly going through the motions, just like when you buy a loaf of bread, you're actually getting bread and not bales of cotton rolled up to look like bread (which incidentally tastes great, especially with marsalla!).

But roiding in baseball ruins that, I think, for most people. Because most people, like me, at least want to watch baseballers earnestly play. We want to embrace the notion that some people are just that good at a stupid kid's game, getting that way through sheer talent, determination and hard work. It makes us think, "Hey, if Koyee Hill can make the major leagues, maybe I can finally make vice president of middle management!!!" Well not me, middle management sucks. I'm not gonna stop until I make ASSISTANT HEAD CUSTODIAN. GET THE FUCK OFF MY FLOOR I JUST MOPPED THERE.

For the Red Sox Nation (analogous to Zimbabwe minus the blacks), winning it all in 2004 was a cathartic experience, finally cleansing themselves of all the curses, the jeers, the rampant failure. But sadly, nothing can cleanse them of the grime, BO or pink caps.

But now that Manny is a confirmed roider (and David "hmmm suddenly I play like an old man" Ortiz not being far from suspect), that catharsis gets to be thrown in the trash heap of phoney illusions barfed up from baseball since the 90s. Now Manny (and who knows how many other Sox) have tarnished that image, but perhaps the timing was best for the Sox and their smelly (Y'ALL STINK) fans, for it happened at a time where most people are just fed up with baseball and don't give a shit either way.

"But [insert author's name here], surely that means that the Yankees four titles in the 90s are also tarnished!" Well yeah, but that's ancient history, along with McGwire and Sosa. And only Yankees fans care about that shit anyway. And guess what, only Red Sox fans care about Red Sox World Series. One thing I've NEVER accepted about pro sports is how super-cool-awesome it is when a team that isn't the team you root for wins a championship. That's like caring because Italy beat Shitholeland (loofa, you mean Italy beat itself?) in some war, except sports has no real-world relevance at all. Why should I care that the fucking Steelers won a Super Bowl? They suck and they play in a city that is literally crumbling. When it comes to championships for non-favorite teams, the best you can hope for is that the shittier team loses. Everyone is happy that the Lakers beat the Magic because the Magic suck and Orlando sucks and everything in Florida sucks especially and FUCK YOU DWIGHT IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT MY GIRL AGAIN I WILL KILL YOU.

So in reality, Manny has been a net positive for me, personally, because that means his mere presence reminds everyone that the Sox's championships were dirty, and then we won't have to hear all about how MIRACULOUS it was that they BEAT THE CARDINALS and ENDED THE CURSE. Because the Sox're all cheaters and cheaters never prosper. Except for every year in baseball over the past 15 years. But yeah.

Thank you Manny, and welcome back. We missed you!!!

Notes on a coup (not coupe)

If you ain't a damn fool, then surely you've noticed that Iran is blowing up (and not just on the charts). Apparently Iranians react poorly to vote tampering and outright rigging, especially from old clods like the Ayatollah Khamenei (Ayatollah Khomeini was unavailable for comment).

It's certainly exciting to watch. The protesters/rebel alliance are mostly young, tech savvy people using the power of Twitter and YouTube and the Internet in general to bypass the state's attempts at controlling communication. It's not exactly revolutionary (hyuck), although I am beginning to suspect that Twitter arranged this as an ultimate viral marketing campaign. I expect an ARG to be unveiled shortly.

Will they prevail? It's hard to say. The first time Iranians revolted, it took them over a year to overthrow the Shah (no word if anyone went "Shah, right!" when someone asked for Reza after he was deposed). Meanwhile, it took only two months for the Berlin Wall to tumble after protesters started. Maybe this one will wrap up in time for "Entourage's" premiere.

Speaking of which, there are a few notable things lacking that I think the protestors could use to good effect. Here are some suggestions for them to liven up the place:

1) Pies! Everyone loves a good pieing. Very few people are pied and have their credibility in tact afterwards. A well-placed pie on Khamenei could end his regime overnight, but understandably it's hard to get near the bastard. Even a suicide pie-er would have little chance.

On the other hand, the government's foot soldiers are ripe for pieing. Imagine watching a basij trying to beat someone while covered in cream or, worse, lemon meringue! His morale would break down in seconds. And best of all, when it's all over, we can appropriately backdrop the whole thing with Yakety Sax.

However, just to be on the safe side, no apple pies should be used. If there's any hint of American involvement, it could undermine the whole movement. Also, please do not use cherry pies, I hate that song and I do not want ironic tie-ins with it. Thanks. You're welcome.

2) Rappers! Nothing livens up things like a good rap artist appearing and making women do ungodly things. And the current rap scene is just as hot as it has been in a long time.

Iranians love western culture, so surely they will appreciate not mere shout-outs from some of today's hottest acts, but entire appearances and perhaps even a concert could overwhelm the Council of Experts with their starpower and gaudiness.

But who to send? When I considered this question, I immediately thought of HOVA, that is Jay-Z. HOV, like the HOV lane, is highly coveted all over the world, and he knows it. His "swagger" and "sunglasses" give him a cool demeanor, inspiring all around him with his ability to "talk jive" and "perform complex equasions." He's savvy and rich enough to market the revolution to a hip, cultured, suburban audience. Imagine him remixing the video to his hit song "H to the Izzo" down Iran Street, perhaps in Farsi. Hell, for the women alone it would be worth it.

There's a strong temptation to send Li'l Wayne over. While he's the undisputed king of rap (God save him), there's a strong chance that he could be overplayed and that the revolution would peter out. On the other hand, "Every Girl" is a great song.

For the practical amongst us, 50 Cent would be a very good choice. He's an exception feuder as the now-emasculated Rick Ross now knows (sorry Rick still love ya). 50 also has experience in blowing people away over drug money. I don't know if hookah is considered a drug per se, but if someone convinced 50 that that shit was prime for marketing in Iran, I'm sure he'd be all over it. Hell, he seems to have some experience in that area of the world already.


3) Dizzy Dizzy motherfucking Dinosaur. In the days of yore (as in, yore a cocksnuff laffo), board games often only hinted at danger, such as Trouble and its horrifying secret of the dome (but that's a story for another day, children). But few board games were as visceral as Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur, the game where cavemen literally stacked up in order to be bashed or trampled to death by a crazed vertigo-suffering dinosaur.

The face of revolution

With Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur on their side, the protestors cannot fail. All they need to do is trick the police and basij into forming neat stacks of authoritarianism, then unleash the unforgiving power of Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur. After one spin around Iran Square, the government will have to lay down its arms, terrified by visions of the dinosaur knocking over shit in the presidential palace or something.

But be warned, protestors, for Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur cannot be tamed. Once he is wound up, he will kill indiscriminantly. Be careful that you do not end up another victim of his malevolent, semi-confused rage.

4) The tea partiers. In May 20 or something, 300,000 people worldwide turned out to protest teabags or some shit. I don't really know what it was about but it apparently involved a lot of middle-class white people making asses of themselves over paying taxes. While Iran has a notable lack of white people, it does have an abundance of people willing to go out and actually protest something.

Never forget... to tip your waitress.

But, you might say, you're a total dreamboat! Well yes, Tina, I am, but that doesn't have much to do with the current situation. You might also say that the tea partiers were pathetic in number, largely motivated by stupidity, and didn't have to face down any real threats other than threats to their dignity. True on all points, but that's not the point, as it were. No points for pointing that out. Now take point with the point guard, and be on point! Excuse me while I write a few pointers to my PowerPoint presentation for the Poynter Institute.

Okay I'm bored with that now. Anyway, What the tea partiers lacked in numbers, determination and credibility, they made up for with outrageous silliness. I don't know if Iran has a Glenn Beck. I'm pretty sure they have at least one mentally unstable moron who probably goes home each night and screams at hallucinations in the basement. Now all they'd need is one such moron who actually doesn't represent the authoritarian elements of society, slap some teabags on him, and voila, now the protest can draw in the sheepish, clueless Iranian middle class.

I don't know how the class situation breaks down in Iran. Apparently Ahmedinejad was popular with the poor a few years ago, so that makes this strategy ripe for motivating the anti-poor people in Iran. If the protestors can maintain the image that they're not just a bunch of kids yelling "NO, YOU CLEAN UP THE YARD, DAD," that could provide the critical mass needed to finally force real change in the country (or, as some might say, change you can believe in!!!!).

Imagine a whole army of miffed Iranian middle-classers (we call them midders) making overly wordy signs calling Khamenei a communist and a socialist and a pedophile. Country singers asking us to remember that day when, um, some gay people were spotted and promptly disposed of, but not before causing untold awkwardness around the town for a while. Hell, I'm sure they can come up with their own version of THIS IS ARE COUNTRY.

The only problem is what the tea partiers would do when actually confronted with police who were not openly sympathetic with their disdain for the non-caucasoid in chief. There might be confusion at the notion of actually fighting the cops, and that could lead to the tea partiers turning on the protestors briefly before slinking back home to watch Pajamas Media videos of Yentas Yammering for Yisrael. It's a risky proposition, but when you're in open rebellion against a bunch of old people, risk is the name of the game.

5) Speaking of which, if the protestors are to achieve final victory, they must absolutely start in Australia or they will be ruined.

***

The protestors are fighting hard for their freedoms (or as they might say, ARE FREEDOMS), and a lot of concerned yankees are sitting around wondering what they can do to help them. Well sorry, chum, there's fuck all you can do unless you can set up a proxy for the Iranians to use to circumvent state censors. And even then that's not too useful. Some people think we should turn everything green to support the protestors, but that's foolish, since all that would do is embolden the Libyans.

Americans deep down inside love adventure, and they secretly wish they can be in the middle of Tehran, yelling FUCK DA POLICE and actually not appear stupid. But this is one that's best watched from afar. Maybe one day we'll have our own revolution, and then you can go out and protest all you want. But until the country can rise a bit beyond the level of a loose confederation of confused white people vaguely complaining about Obama, we'll just have to enjoy revolution through fucking Twitter.

Hmmm, maybe it's for the best it doesn't happen here at all.

OPRAHPOST!!!! FANTASTIC!

So you might have read that article in Newsweek concerning one Oprah Winfrey. The long and short of it is that "O," as she's called by her fans and imaginary friends, promotes quackery and other foolishness on her TV show. Well, mainly quackery.

I don't watch Oprah. Honest to God. I swear. I mean I've watched it every now and then, but I don't watch it religiously. I FUCKIN'DON'T, OKAY? From what I gather, her show is supposed to be very, very friendly to everyone on it and in the audience. It's like "The View," but not menopausal. And not at all interesting. Or so I thought.

I always figured there was something off about Oprah. Her popularity didn't really shock me, after all. Bored people have to watch something, after all. But there's something just so unsettling about Oprah herself. She's like a matron who fills the day up end-to-end with activities for the kids. What does she do on her downtime? Does he have downtime? She gives the impression that she is all about herself and her media empire. It doesn't help that she apparently has no significant others or anything like that. Does she just sit around all day, thinking of something new to do on her show? Some might consider that talent, but I consider it madness.

And now we have all this quackery. The easy thing to do is denounce her for promoting vagina shots (a hyuck), demoting vaccines and generally duping her audience. But I'm not after what's easy. If I were, I wouldn't be chasing women from Massachusetts!

Denouncing Oprah is not only easy, it's pointless too. As far as I can tell, Oprah's media empire is, like Foix, a vassal, a microcosm, an illusion. It's Oz for the bored housewife. Confronting it doesn't do any good because if Oprah were to fall, her former toady Dr. Phil would take over, or Judge Alexis, or Maury, or Tyra, or Ellen, or whomeverthefuck. There are already dozens of choices for people who are too stupid to question everything they see on TV, and worse, are overly responsive to friendly-looking people.

Oprah is not the problem. She's the symptom. The presence of an Oprah means something is wrong. Destroying her empire is like alleviating fever while ebola ravages your body. But if she's not the problem, who or what is?

The problem is, of course, the media at large. In this particular case, it's the destruction of science and reason, deliberately done so to sell shit. I don't honestly think that Oprah believes in the stuff she's selling. Nobody can be that stupid and do what she does. Hell, she even had to pull back one of her audience members for attempting to destroy cancer with the sheer power of her will! That's not the actions of a fool, that's the actions of a liability-aware saleswoman.

But the attempt to destroy the intellect of her audience is deliberate, and it's cliched to point out why she's doing this. But it's interesting to compare this to ye olden days of advertising. Back then, advertisers attempted to sell their shit by appealing to science, reason, intellect, etc. Well, mostly. I mean, there's no intelligent way to promote cigarettes. The Oppenheimer Lucky Strike spread famously bombed. But if they were selling a toothbrush, they'd point out that their toothbrush was approved by the American Dental Association, and then you would run screaming out of the convenience store. SHOPLIFTER!!!

Even into the 90s, when video games were advertized, technical prowess wasn't merely demonstrated by showing the action (mainly because video games were barely presentable to begin with), they had to appeal to technology to get you going. Who doesn't remember the n-bit wars? That's right, nigs, the SNES is TWICE AS POWERFUL AS THE NINTENDO!!!

Of course it was bullshit, but it made you feel smart. It used numbers and technology and charts and shit. It made you feel like you were reaching into the future, whether it was cars, bedspreads, slinkies, Skip-Its, rat poison, darts, or anything at all. But today's advertizing mostly eschews that. At least mostly when it comes to products that aren't medicine or electronics.

And this isn't just about advertizing. There's a growing sense that the powers that be want us to act more stupidly than normal. They don't want to trick us into thinking we're smart. They want us to actively reject intelligence in favor of superstition and retardation.

How else can Jenny McCarthy (JENNY MCCARTHY) convince people that vaccines are bad? If you fancy yourself an intellectual, you're going to reject Jenny McCarthy outright. You're too much of a fancypants scientist with your pocket calculator to listen to a crude bimbo, are you? But if you actively indulge in stupid behavior, all of a sudden you're on the level of Ms. McCarthy against the hoighty-toighty doctors and their poison vaccines. Now your stupidity is a weapon of righteousness!

But what can this sell? Oprah's using it to sell bullshit cures. But a lot of people have put thought into this, and they want something. Maybe it's our industrial overlords. Maybe they want to keep launching CO2 into the atmosphere with impunity. Well if scientists talk about global warming, that would interfere with their plans. If enough people are stupid enough to believe that mankind can't ruin the atmosphere because of the Bible, though, then stopping global warming becomes a lot harder.

What about evolution? A relatively benign subject all things considered, except a lot of people are now invested in squelching it. Why? Well, if people listen to scientists about biology, then that means they would trust them in other areas. If you're invested in people believing that the world is only 6,000 years old, though, then science is bad bad bad! It's witchcraft, practically! If you have people denouncing scientists, then they'll also believe that condoms have a huge failure rate and that psychology is a sham. Remember, folks, the Church was freaked out about something as simple as heliocentrism.

If this attitude persisted in the old days, we'd have politicians questioning whether cigarettes really cause cancer. "It's not the cigs, it's a coincidence! Maybe if you stopped touching yourself, your throat and lungs would be clear today!!" If Marlboro had this idea back then, they might just have prevailed, and cigs would be right up there with booze on the TV today.

If you need to be told that advertising in all its forms is pervasive in everything, you should probably sit down. Everyone and everything that is in a position of power is out to dupe you. Oprah is no different. Crushing her makes no difference. Jon Stewart elaborately eviscerated "Crossfire," only to have 500 more shows of its ilk spring up. The truth wants to be heard, but lies talk the loudest.

Oprah operates on the same level. She doesn't want you to really think about what she's saying. She just wants you to feel it, just like nana rocking you to sleep and talking about cookie gumdrop kingdoms and happy endings. No, not those happy endings. I could use one right now, though.

And before you think this is a women's-only thing, keep in mind that men are convinced that cars are primarily useful as a status symbol.

What we're seeing is a definite shift, I believe. Our overlords are not longer content with making us think we're smart. They want us to simply feel wonderful about everything, and if something is making us feel less than wonderful, don't come talking to people who deal in facts or numbers or figures. Talk to the people who make you feel warm and fuzzy. The cold, hard logic of science can't make you do that unless you're a nerdlinger who cuddles up every night with booleans and fractals and whatever the fuck that thing is on Wikipedia.

I always thought that "Brave New World" was the scarier of the two dystopias (the other being "1984".) "1984" seemed like it would give you just enough freedom to cause trouble before going out in a blaze of glory. But in "Brave New World," if you stepped out of line, theyd just launch soma at you until you were a blathering tard. How do you fight against that? Surrounded by people who want everything to be hokey-dokey no matter how screwed up everything was.

The scientist today is turning into the troublemaker, where before they were seen as the guardian, the wizard of society inventing all this cool new shit for us to play with. Now they're pooping our parties, what with screwing with our cars and coal factories, and defying our Bible. If we take away the scientist, who will we turn to?

...

Oh my God.

...

THE PLUMBERS!!!!