Things that need to stop: TV edition

Every once in a while, I watch TV. Ahhahaha if you believed that for a second you're a foolio, I watch TV constantly. You could say I'm a TV-head.

TV actually has been in pretty good straits lately, if straits could ever possibly considered to be a good thing to be in, and I think they ought to at least be given a chance. A few of the shows that I watch:

"Mad Men"
"The Mentalist"
"Numbers"
"House"
"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"
"South Park"

I'm sure there are more there but those are all I can name off the top of my head. Oh here's another one:

"Lie to Me"

So yeah, just a few years ago this list would be sparsely populated, but thankfully there's been more attention paid to creating at least semi-interesting TV.

But still a lot of TV, and this is including cable, is straight up garbaggio (as they say in Italy when they're acting stereotypical, insert your own curled moustache here). And I don't mean merely disinteresting. I mean YUCK GROSS EW IT'S GOT COOTIES, like I don't even want to be near it. No, not even with the cootie shot.

Now I know what you're thinking. Yes I do miss you and I'm lifting weights so that when I see you I won't be such a slobbo. Yes I also know that the Red Sox blow and you secretly ackownledge that, can we stay on topic? Yes, you're also thinking, "But my love, if you hate a show so much, then just don't watch it!" A valid point, dearest, but also missing the point... in a way.

The problem with bad TV is that it tends to propogate faster than good TV. For every "Mentalist," there are three "Heroes" or "According to Jim"...s. That's three Jims too many.

How come bad TV propogates so easily? Well the reasons have changed. It used to be that disposable TV was made because, even though it may not rake in ratings, it at least was cheap to produce. Then reality TV came and outdid the lowest of the low.

TV will never be perfect, but there are things that just have to stop. They have to stop. For the safety of our children. Or if you hate kids, for the safety of misanthropes. Now you're speaking my language!

Reality TV

I'm not the kind to beat around the bush, unless it's a bush that grows cookies, then goddamn I will beat that bush until every last crumb has come down. But in this case, I'm getting right to the dark, evil, unpleasantest heart of TV: reality TV.

I don't need to get into the history of reality TV. We all know that story. I also don't need to go over all the myths around reality TV, how it's basically just scripted TV et c. et c. (some people actually do write it like that). That territory is old.

What bothers me the most about reality TV is not its utter hypocrisy. It's just completely banal. I understand that most people are dumbasses, usually of the manchildren variety, but it's baffling to me. Even soap operas have some level of intrigue to them. Reality TV?

Let's take the most egregious example, in my mind. "Dancing with the Stars" is the king (and queen) of shit reality TV (but I repeat myself a hyuck). It has everything I hate: utterly pointless "characters," a lame gimmick, limitless cross-promotional potential and it's a game show. Yes, reality TV has gotten so monstrous that game shows are now considered reality TV. This is HERESY. Even the Huguenots acted with more dignity.

The "competition show" is perhaps the most crass (crassest? let's go with crassest) example of reality TV. And "Dancing" has it in spades. Let's see, we have non-threatening minority female judge, boisterous asshole judge, and the wild card (in this case, a non-sensical flamboyant male). I have no idea who these people are or what their level of expertise is in the fields of dancing or starring. For all I know, the Asian lady could be a sweat shop worker who got lost on the way to a factory in Brooklyn. Okay, so what if she can sew a skirt in under five minutes for half a Jolly Rancher? How am I supposed to trust her? And what happens if I put this skirt in with the whites??? Someone help me?????

Then there's the show's entire premise. Hoo boy, I want to watch D-list celebrities and the occasional wash-up dancing with some lady (or dude) I never heard of. Oh look, they're dancing the basa nova. Actually the professional dancer is doing the basa nova and Mickey Rooney is just standing there swaying rhythmically. That's not Dancing with the STARS, that's Middle School Dancing with the OH HEY I SAW THAT GUY ON MATLOCK ONCEs.

The coup de grace is that people are expected to watch it, and then they're expected to be so vested emotionally into it that they call a number up and vote on who wins and loses. I don't know what part of the brain is accessed when someone tries to weigh the dancing efforts of Natalya Simkovicius/Orrin Hatch vs. Edit Mariposa/Dan Shaughnessy. Well, Orrin's cha-cha was kinda off, but Shanks had a wrong step in his foxtrot. You'd have thought that everyone who possessed that brain section would have died out by now, but noooooo. Thanks a lot Darwin you cocksmurf.

I mean, people understand that it's all fake, right? "Oh but dude, DUDE, they know. But it's like, so what? So 'American Idol' is scripted, but so is 'Law & Order,' you know? Like, c'mon man!"

No, there is a difference. L&O doesn't pretend to be real. It's fully content with operating in its L&O New York and it doesn't need some couch commandos in Ohio telling Detective Richard Belzer who to arrest. No matter how dull the L&O writers may be, they are at least minimally qualified to tell Ice T what ebonics to say.

Dancing has no writers. Okay, it has minimal writers who make up some backstory antics for everyone, probably, but that's about it. Also there's no guarantee that people voting has any effect on it at all (see also: American Idol). So for all that effort people put into it, the joke may still be on them. Well I'm not laughing! :watches video of a cat being woken up: Ahahahahaha, okay now I'm laughing.

CLONING THEM SHOWS

Law & Order. CSI. NCIS. Okay we get it, you have a gimmick and you can't just restrict it to one hour.

Usually these shows are called "spin-offs," but I don't consider shows that are the same exact premise in a different locale and a different but functionally indistinguishable cast as an actual spin-off.

CSI is particularly egregious in this regard. CSI itself is a rather lame concept (hurrrr let's exaggerate the power of forensic science so much that it's absurd), so why do they want to recreate the magic of CSI in... THE EVERGLADES! Oh boy, I wonder if they'll have an episode about alligators and creepy Floridians. How about... THE BIG CITY! Hey let's have an episode about BANKERS. We can't do that in Las Vegas, we need WALL STREET.

Most of the time, these clones are just an excuse for the writers to use different cliches, as I just pointed out. They want Caruso and co. to investigiate urban crimes, but Las Vegas is a barely urban shithole so that won't fly. So just transplant it to New York. Problem solved. Except that once those cliches are exhausted, they just go through the motions until they're mercifully cancelled.

Occasionally these shows will get the clever idea to crossover for a few episodes. Like we're supposed to give a shit that Grissom and Gary Sinise are teaming up FOR TWO EPISODES. They don't actually team up, though. It's complicated. And stupid. Especially stupid.

Usually these shows end up failing once people realize that they liked the show better when it was called "Friends." That was the fate that befell "Joey," but lately, if a show is a hot property, its clones will also survive.

L&O is the only show that sorta does this right, and really that only happened with L&O: CI, when they actually changed up the cast structure so it's just two principals. But even then the show was reduced to having D'Onofrio twist his face menacingly at the prime suspect while recycling the crimes that the other L&Os have gone over. I find this objectionable because L&O: CI is trying to make me hate Vincent D'Onofrio and, you know what, I'm just not gonna do it. You can't make me hate him, L&O. You hear me? You have no power over me. YOU HAVE NONE. I LOVE YOU VINCENT D'ONOFRIO EVEN IF WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER.

If this goes unchecked, we will one day wake up to a world where every show is a clone. 8 p.m.: CSI: Brussels, followed by Survivor: Oakland Coliseum. At least on broadcast. If you don't believe me, keep in mind the following:

1) networks are becoming more desperate due to the economy

2) reality TV is ultra cheap

3) cloning hit shows produces more hit shows

It can happen here, as-- wait, what? McAfee Coliseum? ...... No, why should I call it that? That name sucks. ........ No, see, look, it's still also called McAfee Coliseum. ...... Yeah. ...... No I don't care. Shut up I'm in the middle of something.

Anyway, as Sinclair Lewis said, it can happen here.

Your show is not funny and you should probably stop now before someone gets hurt. Namely you. By my gun.

Oh that reminds me:

"Thirty Rock"

Okay anyway, sitcoms are back with a vengeance. This genre used to be considered in trouble after "Seinfeld," "Friends," "Frasier" and (amazingly) "Mad About You" shuffled off their celluloid coils. Wait, were they filmed on celluloid? Look that up for me.

Yeah, people were actually worried that sitcoms would be horribly reduced, perhaps appearing in not more than two hours per week. Unfortunately, they were rescued. By what I can't remember, but they were rescued from the abyss.

One of the shows that took up the mantle of leading sitcom is "The Office," one of almost a billion imports from Britain (seriously, look up the origin of many American shows and you'll find that they were lifted from Britain).

Speaking of which:

"Life on Mars," though it's over now.

So anyway, the British Office is nothing to write home about. Yea it's very British but it's also very dry. And for something British to be considered too dry, it has to be doing something seriously wrong. Or seriously salty. If you dropped the British Office in the Atlantic ocean, it would suck that bitch up so fast you'd be urbexing Atlantis within a day.

The American Office isn't as dry, but that doesn't save it. Not even close. The Office was one of the first successful sitcoms to not use a laugh track (the other being "Arrested Development," which is actually good).

Reminds me again:

"Real Time with Bill Maher"
"Entourage"
"True Blood"

I guess they have no laugh track because the British Office has no laugh track either. Whatever the reason, it doesn't work. It just makes the show more tense than it should be. The show relies on awkward and embarrassing humor, which is tricky because if you do it too poorly, people just feel nervous and shit and don't feel like laughing.

And that is The Office's biggest problem: It is relentlessly awkward by being relentlessly WACKY and RANDOM. Hoooo boy, the boss is a total fucking retard WHAT CRAZY THING IS HE GONNA DO NEXT? I dunno, but why am I watching a show with a tense atmosphere that has such obviously incompetent and loathsome characters, and yet they are still employed? I can't suspend my disbelief because your comedy is so disjointed I can't tell if you're trying to be funny or not. Your "comedy" is so poorly executed, it kills my humor INSTINCT. IT FUCKS WITH MY VERY BRAIN CHEMISTRY.

Viewers have come to see the laugh track as stupid and pointless because, hey, why should I use some canned laughter to tell me when to laugh? A valid point, but still, most comedies need some kind of laugh track because it helps the pacing. Even better when it's filmed before a live audience. It feels more authentic that way if you think other people are laughing with you. The common complaint for non-laugh track shows is that people don't know if they're supposed to laugh at something. I think there's something to that. Something... sexy.

Fortunately for us, most sitcoms are not strictly taking The Office route (the The Office route?). Many still have laugh tracks and many still have stationery cameras (more on that later), but the type of humor it uses is leaking. Shows like "Big Bang Theory" and......

Oh my fucking God.

Okay... here's the deal. So I was looking for the name of the other example ("Parks and Recreation," incidentally). In doing so, I checked the grid for all the broadcasting networks (minus barren hellholes MyNetworkTV and whatever the fuck owns the former WB). It turns out that there are like only seven sitcoms on TV anymore. I did not notice that they were apparently on the verge of extinction again. I guess that's not notable anymore.

Well folks, I gotta tell ya, since sitcoms are rare these days, I don't think picking on them is fair at all. Well guess what? I still will.

What's remaining of the sitcom shitscape (hur shitcoms GET IT???) isn't very much like The Office, actually. Most of the remnants are of the "Married with Children" variety, except not at all funny. In that case, we're all aware of the low points: nuclear family, everyone is mildly retarded, the mom is sassy, the dad's dumb, the daughter's hot, etc.

So in conclusion, sitcoms are right back where they were in the late 90s, minus the actual powerhouses. I guess I should be happy, but it seems that reality TV has taken up the majority of their slots. So yeah. The nightmare rages on.

KEEP THAT SHIT STILL

Shaky cams are slowly appearing in more TV shows, just as they're appearing in more movies. This needs to stop. No, I don't get nauseous watching it. I just like to, you know, be able to concentrate on what I'm watching. And since I have ADHD (yeah it's real but fuck that I don't need to take pills for it. Alexander Graham BELL had it and he could kick your attention-ful ASS in a spelling bee), it's distracting. I can't focus with you MOVING THE CAMERA AROUND. WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?

The Office strikes again. It and Arrested Development introduced that concept to mainstream acceptibility, one of AD's only sins. Which is actually contracitory but shut up, who's the editor here, you or me? That's right. I don't care how much English you teach THIS IS MY TURF.

So yeah, when you have something that adds nothing to the show (and no, "simulating" a documentary (in the Office's case) isn't a good excuse because the idea that the Office is some kind of documentary is completely ridiculous), and instead is a distraction, it's a BAD THING that should STOP.

Does anyone here know how to write a griddarn STORY???

This is the paramount problem with TV, and I don't need to tell you. But I do.

Moving beyond the frivolous reality shows and the dumbass sitcoms, the dramas remain the bulwark of primetime TV. Although reality shows have almost usurped that role, dramas are holding on for dear life. And they're gonna lose.

I don't know if this has always been the case, but dramas do not rely on their stories anymore. They rely on their concepts. Take a prime offender: "Heroes." Heroes is a show about people with superpowers. END DESCRIPTION.

You might be confused by this, but don't be. Heroes is all flash, no substance, like a sparkler. Sure, you can eat it, and it's kinda exciting at first, but then you realize that you wasted your time eating a sparkler when you could have eaten something cooler like a Roman candle.

Heroes has its concept and then does nothing with it. And then it does some more nothing with it. And then it does even more nothing with it. The show's excuse for plot developments is exactly like the flailing of a dying chimpanzee (and believe me, the show IS dying in every way a show can die. See: Knight Rider's remake). I don't know what the writers are thinking, but they are content with going nowhere with it. Fortunately, in a hopeful gesture, the show's fans are abandoning it in droves and it will die due to a lack of interest. Just like my pet nightshade bush. :sniff: I miss you Nighty Night.

A more pervasive problem is that dramas, which are supposed to be like, you know, dramatic, have ludicrous plotlines that suck all the non-humor out of the room and replaces it with something that is not humorous (like the Pope. Come on, Benny, get some new material!!). Heroes has the same problem, as do "24," "Chuck" and "Grey's Anatomy."

What these shows attempt to do is akin to making a movie about a Nazi concentration camp (that is, a concentration camp made by Nazis), and then making the plot about Barney leading a Soviet commando raid to liberate it. Yes, Barney the purple dinosaur, but you can also use Barney Rubble if you prefer. The effect is the same.

Now imagine someone pitching that as a serious movie. It can't be done. I can't take the idea of Barney liberating a Nazi death camp because Barney is also a Nazi and he would never collaborate with the Bolsheviks. Also the image might look just plain silly.

24 has basically become this. The show is so clueless as to how stupid it sounds that I suspect that it might be trying to be absurd on purpose. The previous season dealt with the White House being infiltrated via an underwater tunnel. And that wasn't even the most absurd aspect. The show is chock-full of "serious" situations that, if we were to hear about, we would not believe. Because they would never happen, which is kinda foolish since a lot of really bizarre shit happens in real life but nobody ever draws inspiration from those things.

Desperate Housewives also tries to shoehorn REALLY SERIOUS SHIT in the middle of hijinks. I know there is a term for this, the "Dramedy," but it doesn't work. It does. Not. WERK. Dramedies are just handwavery bullshit used by writers to justify inserting stupid crap into their shows because they constantly write themselves into corners and need something silly to bail themselves out. Drama + comedy rarely work, and if you're gonna include them, you need much more of the former to counteract the latter. Writers don't seem to get this, though, which I believe is because they are actually robots that lack souls and functioning humor chips. Fuckin' Intel they can never get that shit right.

I don't know if the dramedy will become the blueprint for dramas. I don't think it will, but stupider things have happened on TV. But right now, dramas are flailing because writers have no capacity to imagine their shit actually playing out in real life, and in doing so, realizing that what they write is stupid. In some cases it works anyway ("Chuck," though just barely, "Grey's" and "24" seem to be surviving for now), but many shows push the bullshit too much and collapse under their own hubris.

And while it's good that bad shows are not getting away with as much as they used to, the fact is that if most shows drop dead, they will be replaced by expendable reality TV trash. And that is the worst of all worlds.

Perhaps one day I will do detailed dissections of TV shows and their myriad failures, but not today. I've bored you long enough.

Dream a little dream of Mii

Dreams are fun. They just are!! And I have a shitload of them. No, not "I have a dream" type dreams, I mean actual nocturnal em-- er, images.

I don't know about y'all, but my dreams tend to have recurring themes. I guess everyone does because our breadth of experience isn't THAT large. But whatever, I'm no psychologist (I just get paid to be one).

I have a ton of recurring themes, but only three I'm willing to talk about in such an open forum. So let's get right to the good stuff!

1. Doom


Ah yes, an old favorite. Don't worry, kids, this isn't as scary as it looks.

Doom of course is the penultimate FPS, the game that introduced the world into the concept of atmosphere. And to a 10-year-old, having these two bastards pop out at you is as horrifying as it gets. My life has been one of privilege and ease.

I've been over what makes Doom rockin' before so let's not go back there. Instead, let's describe the typical Doom dream I have.

Actually, there is no typical Doom dream. Usually the Doom dream kicks in during another kind of dream. For instance, I'll be dreaming of walking through some mansion when BOOM, Mancubi pop out and I'm holding a shotgun and I'm running for my life because shotguns aren't that useful against Mancubi.

While the circumstances leading to a Doom dream change, what remains consistent is that when I'm in one, I'm knee deep in one. You could say I'm Knee Deep in the Dead (but that's for pussies. ULTRAVIOLENCE AT MINIMUM OR GET OUT). It's fairly easy to come up with an obnoxiously hard Doom map, of course, so it's not a problem for my brain to drop me in the midst of a clusterfuck of nightmarish proportions.

We're talking at least four Cyberdemons, a ton of Imps (my subconscious can't get enough of em), a healthy dose of Barons and Knights, and usually a good amount of Cacodemons. If it's a particularly bad dream, Pain Elementals will show up. You do NOT want to go up against those guys under any circumstances.

So what happens in these dreams? Well, if you've played a Doom map then you'll know. Run around, try not to die, grab ammo, shoot, run s'more and hope to god there's an exit. There usually isn't but that's okay. If you don't enjoy playing Doom then these dreams will either horrify you or bore you. They're an acquired taste!!

If this sounds intense, trust me, it's not. 1) I'm great at Doom and 2) I have a backup in case I'm boned: IDDQD. IDDQD is the "degreelessness" code. I don't know how degreeling oneself makes you invulnerable, but there it is. Just punch that shit in and you can't be touched. Well, you can be touched, but it won't be the bad touch. No, not like how Mr. Bellamy used to do it. No, it's a nice touch. Ahhhhh, so soft. Ahhhhh...

Where was I? Oh yeah. I don't know where exactly it comes from (I think it's my sense of self-preservation), but if the shit hits the fan, I (somehow) type in IDDQD and all is well. Actually by that point, the dream peters out because really, once you're invincible, there's not much more you can do. I guess IDDQD really is the coward's way out but fuck you I'm not going against that Cyberdemon with just a chainsaw.

2. TIE Fighter

TIE Fighter is another oldy but goody. And yes, it's a video game. Sue me. No really, sue me. SUE ME. OH WHAT'S THAT? NO LAWYER? THEN SHUT UP AND READ.

This of course is the pinnacle of LucasArts' space-flight-simulator series set in the Star Wars universe. An improvement over X-Wing, TIE Fighter taught us all how to pilot non-shielded spacecraft in service of an oppressive imperial state, the perfect training for the US Air Force.

:waits for laughter to subside:

So anyway, the TIE Fighter dream pops up much like how the Doom dream does, though TIE Fighters seem to come more out of left field than Doom. For instance, last night's dream featured me attempting to fill out a baseball lineup card in a classroom (my radio alarm went off and was tuned to 1050) when, whoops, I'm piloting a TIE Interceptor and I've got to shoot shit down.

It was actually a fairly mundane one this time. I had to shoot down a Dreadnought that was chasing a friendly spacecraft. I shot it down with a bunch of concussion missiles which is NOT supposed to happen but whatever. Then an enemy Modified Corvette showed up and I said FUCK IT and quit the mission.

I didn't actually say FUCK IT because that would be against regulations. But I thought it really loudly.

Usually though these dreams are more interesting. Balls-to-the-wall missions of derring do, trying to shoot down starships that are itching to blow you out the space sky, piloting ships that are capable of dishing out damage and not SHITTY GODDAMN T/Is. There's typically no rhyme or reason to these dreams, either. I'm just thrown out there in the middle of a space battle. There are good guys (usually in purple??) and bad guys and I'm just firing away trying not to get blown up.

As far as I know, I have never been shot down. Not that you would ever, ever have to think that that would happen.

3. L'Empereur

"Oh boy," you're thinking. "Another video game theme." Yes, another video game dream. I told you I have plenty of recurring themes but these are the only ones I'm going over now. Okay? Okay. So sit down. And put away that gum. Yes take it out of your mouth. Stop chewing. Oh okay people did you see that? Right under the seat. This is what I deal with every time I write one of these.

Anyway, you might recognize this screenshot. Well no, it's from a rather obscure video game so you probably never saw it before, but THIS is Europe circa 1796 according to KOEI. Ah yes, a game about post-revolutionary, Napoleonic France. A strategy game. The goal being to conquer everyone (and I did).

Now you might be thinking that this is a bit too abstract to actually be a dream. This is a pretty bare-bones strategy game, not that graphical, etc. Well you're wrong. You're just wrong. It's unbelievable how wrong you are. Yes, I can dream of literally guiding a strategy game.

Of course, I don't strictly dream about L'Empereur in particular. It's like this: instead of dreaming that I'm Napoleon in 17whenever, I dream that I'm Napoleon playing in some kind of bizarro alternate universe land where I have to conquer Europe except it's not Europe at all, it's some kind of custom-made mystery continent and all the countries are sorta where they are supposed to be BUT NOT QUITE. That's as good as I can describe it without resorting to Paint and you do NOT want me to do that.

Even I am taken aback by how abstract they are. I can barely describe them because, really, you had to be there. You had to be there when I dreamed that I, as Napoleon, invaded psuedo-Austria and got cut off from the rest of France for some reason, so I had to fight in psuedo-Vienna against psuedo-Duke Charles and I psuedo-won and I actually psuedo-killed psuedo-him on the psuedo-battlefield. Su-su-sudio (da da daaa daaaaaaaa daaa da da).

It rocked. And they sometimes happen when you least expect it. And once again, I don't recall a time where I've outright been defeated, but I have had some trouble with these dreams because usually I run into some country (usually psuedo-Spain) that won't be defeated so easily and it gets really messy. You had to be there.

4. Fences



Wooden fences to be precise, like this one here. No, the one behind the shrub. What? I dunno, I guess whoever owns the shrub owns the fence. Yes, and the sidewalk too.

Now I know what you're thinking. "At last, he dreams of something erotic that I can relate to, but it's a goddamn fence??? What's with you, my love?"

First I say, stop complaining. Second, I don't dream of wooden fences per se. I mean, yeah, they are in dreams, but... wait I'm explaining this the wrong way.

The real recurring theme is not the fences themselves, it's jumping over the fences. As in, I'm running away from something. Yes, there are some dreams that I have that are not that cool, and when I can't beat my dream nemesis, I turn tail and RUN FOR THE BORDER!!!! Haha, no I really don't because I hate Taco Bell. But yeah, I'm runnin'.

This is perhaps the oldest recurring dream that I can fathom. Well, there might just be one that's even older but I won't divulge it. You can ask about it though! I don't know what first sparked it but it has been with me since at least November 7, 1989. Yes I marked the calendar. Also on that day I made it past World 6-1 in SMB3. It was a very good day.

The setting for these dreams is usually consistent. That's not actually redundant so shut up. Most commonly, I'm in my house, shit goes down, gotta bail. I get out of the house, but the dude (or dudette, if you want it that way) is still after me. So I gotta run. If I don't run out into the street, I hop the fence in my back yard. The red wooden one. I hop into my neighbor's yard, but I want to get as far away from my house as possible, so I hope the next fence. Then I hope the next fence. And so on and so on. At some point I will reach the final fence and hit the street, but it varies.

You can see some pretty obvious psychological themes here. Blah blah, I'm trying to flee from something in life, and I am picturing myself leaping over obstacles only to find another obstacle in my way. Also I feel anxious about using other people's stuff to escape from my fears. Yes we've been over this.

These dreams usually have a sense of bummer over them, but I like them. They're exciting. Sometimes I hope over a fence only to find myself in front of a ladder, which I climb all the way up. At the top is a highwire that I have to precariously walk over (I don't, I get down and clutch that fucker and shimmy across. I'm not crazy!!). And okay that only happened once, but it was a neat change.

I thinlk it's okay to be scared in dreams because it's like being scared of a movie. Unless it's a really well done scary movie, the fright leaves you after a while and then it's more like fun than anything else. So I don't mind being chased over fences.

Well that's the end of these particular themes. Of course there are more but that is a need to know conversation and you do not need to know. So ta!

No, I don't want that!

My eyes are hurting and it's late, so let's keep this quick fellas.

Things that piss me off, in no particular order:

(Well that's not true, it is in the order that it pops into my mind. MY MINDDDDDD.)

The word "scores". No, not like Long Island's most erotic adult club. Like "many," as in, "scores killed today by explosive diarrhea." Al-Jazeera loves to use this. Actually it seems to be that most foreign press like to use it.

Why is it annoying? Because it appears EVERYWHERE. Very rarely do they substitute it with "dozens." Nope, it's usually "scores killed," "scores angry," "scores voting," scores bleaching," "scores scoring," etc.

I think the real problem is that if you keep saying it over and over, it just sounds weird. Try it. Scores. Scores. Scores. Scores scores scores SCORES SCORES.

Okay, now try this next:

Say nispe over and over again. Nispe. Nispe. Nispe nispe nispe nispe NISPE NISPE.

Brett Favre. Yeah yeah, he's annoying, you've probably heard it all now. Well tough, he's still annoying.

"But, why is it annoying for a guy to come out of retirement?" Because he's a drama queen. Whua whua whua my body can't handle training camp. Lemme play coy for two months. Tee hee now I'm back! Hey, go die.

Writer's block. We all get it. Well, people who don't write don't get it, I suppose. But everyone else does. I wonder what it's like for people who rarely write, and they get the idea to write a novel, and they just get stuck.

Usually the reason why I can't write amounts to "I'm tiyerrddd." Yeah whatever. I rarely reach the point where I find myself unable to figure out what to write next (that's what rewinding is for). For instance, I was supposed to finish my next short story tonight. I've got about like six paragraphs left. Piece of cake, eh? No. It'll be done tomorrow I SWEAR.

Mike Tirico. The most milquetoast announcer in sportsdom. Yes, he makes the Gumbels look Charles Manson. If there were two Charles Mansons. Okay, Bryant is Charles and Greg is Marilyn.

Can you tell I'm watching ESPN? You got a prize if you guessed! The prize is me blowing in your ear. WAKE UP.

Movie trailers. I don't have a problem with them per se, I just hate how they're put together. Mainly I'm talking about the typical quick jumpcut montage that shows the ACTION!!! of the film.

I just don't understand what the angle is here. Yes, you can sorta perceive what's in the cuts, but to me all it amounts to is a blur of images. And sometimes they include things that make no sense, like a character TURNING AROUND DRAMATICALLY. Who even puts these things together anyway? What's the instructions? "Hey Clark, could you please just throw together random clips from the movie? And use that music that's like 'Woooooooooaoaaaawwwwhhhhhhh ching.' Yeah, like that. Okay I need that by 9:30. Yeah I know it's 9:25. So what just take anything!!! Also don't piss in my coffee this time."

I imagine that's the worst job in the world. A man should be able to piss in his boss' coffee if he wants to.

The other thing that annoys me about trailers is their tendency to cut together scenes that don't happen in the movie. For instance:

CHARACTER A
Oh boy, I hope nothing dangerous happens!

SOMETHING DANGEROUS HAPPENS

CHARACTER B
Oh wow, that was funny!!!!

I know that's a shitty example, but it perfectly illustrates my case. Why do they even bother with this?

I guess maybe I'm against trailers after all. Hmmmm. I must ponder this.

Speaking of trailers, I find x-minute movie previews to also be distasteful. This is easier to manage though because I can just not watch them. But it still irritates me that the studio thinks that showing the first 15 minutes of a movie is a good idea. It's not a good idea. You should go into a movie a movie virgin. Your ass must be pristine for that movie so that you can feel the full impact. Also the church frowns upon this kind of behavior. Sorry, babe, but we will have to wait.

WINGS. No, not the band. And not the bird appendage. Wait, actually, yes, the bird appendage. But only in a certain sense. This is gonna sound weird but stay with me.

I like wings (as in chicken wings covered in sauce and shit) because it's a fun food. I dislike the expectation that I'm supposed to just scarf these bastards down and get sauce all over my face and fingers and crap. No. I'm like the underwear inspector in "Pete & Pete," I just can't handle that. And it's not because I'm not a sloppy eater, but it's because the sauce does not come off that easy and it kinda burns and I don't like it when my face burns!!

Well folks that wraps it up for this edition of "Shit I Hate." I hope you enjoyed it. We'll come back with better programming next time. Until then, uh...

Immortality is the greatest thing ever. It's also highly overrated.

It would seem that my moms is reading the "Twilight" series of books by Stephanie "BRIGHAM YOUNG" Meyer. Oh lord.

There's a shitload of things wrong with "Twilight," such as the utter banality of the story to the size 40 font size to the despicable (despicable) writing style to the misogyny to the utter failure of conception that it is. But this post, like Barack Obama, is not about that. The books are bad though seriously if you take nothing else away from this, believe me that the books are bad. They're bad. THEY RAPED MY FATHER.

Anyway, I think the most repulsing thing about the books is that the protagonist (no, not Bella, the other one) is an immortal vampire who has the appearance of roughly an 18-year old post-emo shitstain. Yes of course it's a cliche, but what galls me the most is that this little wanker is immortal, incapable of dropping dead like so many NBC pilots, and yet he literally fucks around in HIGH SCHOOL. I mean, he LITERALLY does it. IN THE LITERAL SENSE. And if it's one thing I hate more than immortal vampire cliches, it's people misusing "literal."

This is how wonderfully bereft of imagination Meyer is. Here you have someone who has lived like a century, and okay yes he looks like a chump kid, but all he's interested in is banging high schoolers and flunking chemistry?

I think it's telling when anyone writes a story about immortals. In this case, we have Meyer, able to grant this enormous gift to anyone she wants, and what does she do with it? She gives it to a prick and his prick family and they squander it. They squander it by being stuck as perpetual adolescents. And while it's true that most adults really don't get past adoloscense, it's also true that they're all boring punks and are the cause of most of the world's problems and I object to being asked to sympathize with them.

In Bella Whateverthefuck (and in a lesser sense, Eddie "Not as good as Matt" Cullen), Meyer imagines herself as being a mincing vampiress living forever (or as they say in "The Sandlot," FOR-EH-VUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH) with her shitty boring boyfriend. Well I don't care how stupid you are, you're going to get bored with someone if their idea of a good time is perpetually attending study hall.

Because I mean look, can we be real for a second? Can we B Real? Cullen is a fucking VAMPIRE. He doesn't have to pretend to be a kid for the rest of his loathsome imaginary existence. I mean, for God's sake ANNE FUCKING RICE does more interesting things with her gay vampires!! But he does it anyway. And his family pretends to be boring ol' middle class chumps living in fucking Washington state. I don't get it. And I'm not supposed to get it because I'm not a middle-aged housewife who's grown bored of Fabio. But it still alarms me nonetheless.

There have been countless stories told about immortality and how great/ungreat it is. Everyone usually concludes that immortality is in fact balls, being fun for a little bit before shit takes over. I'm not so sure that I agree with that assessment, but then again, I am not immortal myself so I am biased.

I think the quintessential depiction of immortality in popular media comes in "Vampire Hunter D," portrayed quite plainly by Count Lee, the unmincing vampiric villain. Lee flat-out states that being a vampire sucks cock because it means he can't die, and that means he's bored all the time. "Perpetual boredom," he says in the dub (in Japanese he says something like "Higeyoshi tsune maka baka wa! NANI??? SUPERU-GATCHAMAN POWER UP! FIGHT FOR LOVE!!").

Well yeah, if you're an old yet powerful vampire and you have nothing to do, then yeah, you're going to get bored. Lee tries to spice things up by banging sluts but in the end it's pretty clear that he's desperate and it's sad. Then D kills him and it fucking ROCKS. Good movie go see it.

There's not a lot of nuance to the depiction, but when we're talking about shit as grand as immortality, I don't think nuance becomes a factor. At least not for long. I mean sure, after the first 100 years, being unable to die sounds great. You get to travel the world, watch the world change, see all sorts of interesting people and so on. But then we inevitably see two problems spring up: 1) a lack of permanence and 2) super boredom.

The first point usually gets brought up when people try to wrestle with immortality in fiction. Vampire stories tend to do so because the poor widdle vampire can't marry his cute human bride because eventually she gets old and then dies but meanwhile he stays studly and unchanging and Gary Oldmanish. And then he gets all sad because she's dead and he can't die and now he's allllll alone!

This may not be a problem for our adolescent types, though. Because adoloscents are unable to see clearly beyond a few days what their long-term goals are, they think that whomever they've hooked up with at the moment is their ONE TRU ROVE and then oops they get bored and there's that. Onto the next one! So if your old broad dies, well, really what adolescent immortal is even going to hang around when the first wrinkles come? Immortals don't have the luxury of loving people for who they are because there are so many damn people that it's pointless. Why get attached when you'll have centuries of hotties to work with? Deep down, adolescents know this is true but they delude themselves because the delusion is nicer. But despite their hypothetical longevity, relationships like that end.

Unless they can loophole it by making their current crush immortal, just like them, as what happens in "Twilight." Oh sorry did I spoil it for you? You're welcome.

Yes that's the solution Bella and Edvard (Slavic spelling) come up with. Bella becomes a vamp bitch and after some stupid nonsense with some other vampires, they live happily ever after. They do so because Ms. Meyer is not an adult and thinks there is such thing as "ever after." It doesn't occur to her that, in all likelihood, if Eduardo (Chinese spelling) didn't get bored with Bella (shitty name spelling) when she caught her first whiff of menopause, he would after realizing that she's an insufferable bitch and, as an immortal, he is under no obligation to put up with her shit forever. And there would go that.

So what's the deal then? Is immortality all it's crack-cocaine'd up to be? I don't really know. When I was growing up, I wanted to be a baseball player, and then a cop. I also wanted to live forever because the world was just so damn fascinating and technology was becoming cooler and shit seemed to be progressing. But now I'm not so sure. I mean, let's just stick with the practical. What if I accidentally kill someone and then I get sent to jail for life. I mean sure after 400 years someone would notice that I'm still serving the sentence, but that would really be a stupid predicament to find myself in. What if I fell into the Grand Canyon? What if I fell off a boat in the middle of the Pacific? What if I accidentally was jettisoned into space? What if a natural disaster or nuclear war wipes out everyone? Not so fun now, is it? Well, as long as I have a Gameboy and Kirby's Pinball, yes it is you fucking loser KIRBY'S PINBALL IS THE SHIT.

"The Twilight Zone" was keenly aware of this reality and made a few jabs at how living perpetually is a risky move at best, and kinda pointless at worst.

There's also of course the argument that, well, humans are supposed to die. Circle of life and all that. Your job, as a gazelle, is to get eaten by Mufasa because you are the jungle equivalent of a serf. Not even a serf. You're literally cattle to be eaten by the lions and Disney perpetuates feudalism. YOU FUCKING BASTARDS. But yeah, nobody is supposed to live forever. It's unnatural, and unnatural is scary because we can't imagine what else there's supposed to be. And yes, that is a completely ironic view to hold.

If you have someone who can't die, what then, ultimately, is he or she (let's be real though, only men can be immortals. Sorry girls, but I am a fucking sexist DEAL WITH IT) supposed to do with their time? Do they stand out and have people notice that they never age? Or do they sit perpetually in the background, being drifters and observers, unable to alter the world around them because they know that the world they live in is one constant temporary state of being after another, and that true permanence is illusory when it comes to human affairs?

I mean, don't give me those two classic immortality subsitituion bullshit canards. You know them well. "Ohhh, but what if you do something so great you're remembered throughout history? That's like being immortal!"

Well no, it's not at all like being immortal. It just isn't. I mean, look at Lincoln. He's pretty much "immortal" in the imagination of Americans. They can see him, they imagine how he talks, and they have a basic template of his personality that they feel like they know him. So does that mean he's alive, in the heart of every man and woman, in the smile of every baby, in the wings of every majestic bird? No you stupid twat. He's dead. He told me so when I called him the other day! Actually he was more like "OH MY GOD WHERE THE FUCK AM I? IT'S DARK! I CAN'T MOVE! HOLY FUCK WHO IS THIS CALLING ME RIGHT NOW? NO I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW I'M IN THIS THING! YEAH IT'S LIKE A BOX. WHAT? NO, I DIDN'T GET THE EGGS I'M SORRY I FORGOT. WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD'VE PUT IT ON THE LIST. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANTED TO ASK ME? JUST WRITE IT ON THE FUCKING LIST. WHAT DO YOU THINK IT'S THERE FOR? NO LOOK HONEY, SORRY, I GOTTA GET OUT OF THIS THING I'M IN OKAY? YES. OKAY. I'LL TELL HER. LOVE YOU TOO. BYE."

But yeah, Lincoln is dead and he ain't coming back. He no longer exists except in Heaven, and even there he's not that big a deal. His body has turned most likely to dirt or perhaps even mud, and he is a part of the ecosystem. And no that's not like being immortal either. If you could somehow retain your consciousness while going through the digestive tract of a non-large worm, then we could argue if he was still alive. But you can't. And believe me I tried. It sucked. But it was a worthwhile learning experience.

So no, that's not at all like being immortal except in the most abstract of senses. And humans do not exist in abstract terms unless you're some kind of bored god observing the universe and going "heh" from time to time.

What about the other way? "Oh, well if you have a family, you live on through your family!" No. No you don't. It's real easy folks, you cease to matter to your family after a few generations. I don't know who my great-great grandparents are. I just don't. They have no bearing on me. I mean sure, I guess in some way I vaguely resemble them visually, but that's where it ends. I don't even know their names!! And how far forward is this immortality supposed to go? Do you think my proto-ancestors back in 200 B.C. were going, "Well I hope our greatx31 grandkid Adam turns out to be handsome and awesome and great and shit, and I hope he lands a bangin' Massachusetts bitch and they have lots of kids and then he retires as a world-class jetskiing champ and she becomes a famous writer and they have such pretentious conversations. I really hope that's what happens with him." No, they didn't say that at all.

Hell, they didn't even speak english, first of all, and second of all they were probably serfs in Latium. Wait, they weren't even all in Latium. Some probabaly came from Latium. (That's in Italy by the way if you don't know shit.) Some were probably in north Africa. Some were probably in Turkey. Some were probably Mongols, Chinese, Harrapans, Israelites. Some were probably Jews, Christians, pagans, Zoroastrians and Mormons who time-traveled back to the past to fuck their ancestors because Mormons are really really weird like that. And if you want to be even more fucking outlandish about it, some were probably apes, amphibians, fish, avians, trichordates (I know I have some trichordate blood in me I KNOW IT. IF YOU AIN'T A TRI YOU AIN'T FLY), eukaryotes, etc.

There is no permanence there. It's all changing. And when things change enough, they cease to be what they were. My Sicilian ancestors don't resemble me today. They just don't. They were shorter and spoke a different language and had different expectations out of life and had different understandings about how the universe was. They haven't passed anything onto me but greasy hair, dark skin and a desire to ravish every Roman bitch who comes my way. And do I!

And that's absolutely okay. I'm not really concerned what my space-descendants are going to be like outside of a general desire that their world is a more just and less shitty place than it is today. I can't bring myself to care about my great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson Adam IX Space Poseidon and his wife, a robot named INDUSTRIAL MODEL 62-A. Actually wait, that's fucking gross. No kid of mine is gonna be a robofag. NO ROBAGS!!!! :votes Space Republican:

I think my carenocity (a measure of care) will only reach to my great-great grandkids. I think that's about as much as I can muster. I don't even know if I'll even see them but I'm sure they won't be that annoying. At least they better not, or you better fucking believe I'm not gonna give them any vintage coins for their first birthday.

But yeah, that's not immortality in the slightest. That's just people trying to come to terms with their own lack of permanance, and they're trying to punt it by saying they don't have to DEAL. WITH. IT. because it's not really a problem because hey, live on through kids! But that unleashes all sorts of other unhealthy bullshit that's not worth going into at this point.

So there's nothing else to talk about re: this subject anymore. In conclusion, I will say that extending lifespans is ultimately pointless. Who wants to be an old dude for 30 more years? WHO???? No, the only thing that can REALLY usher in immortality is the Singularity. I don't really know how exactly that'll work but it's supposed to be awesome. Imagine being a computer playing Kirby's Pinball, forever... my god, so this is what Heaven is like..............

DE END.

Barack Obusha: The Barack Bummer Obum Badum Bla Bloo Borsh

This is Barack Obama, 56th President of the United States. Standing in front of him is some black guy.

A hyuck! It's been six months since the Obummer took his oath of office and officially became prez. Since that time he's done a lot of shit, some cool, mostly bad. This is problematic because the alternative, John McCain, would have been an abject disaster. With Obummer, we have a moderately bad disaster.

Okay I'll admit it: Obama getting elected was exciting because of the hisory and the fact that he seemed to be just that much better than McCain. It was cool. But it didn't take long for him to start fucking up and my tolerance of him ended after around 30 days or so. No bitches, honeymoons don't last 100 days, we can't afford a 100-day trip to Egypt! Sorry baby!

A lot of youngsters thought that Obama would be cool, not merely because he can swagger or because he's got a decent crossover, but also because he could fix the problems the country faces, from pollution to the economy to health care to the invasion of midgets. Sadly, none of these problems have been fixed and my neighborhood is besieged by dwarves.

But here's the problem with kids: they don't know shit. Obama is nothing new. I remember enough of Clinton to know that he was disappointing his own peeps, but my years of Rush indoctrination prevented me from fully realizing that until it was too late. Consequently, we had Bush Jr., a fuck-up of the most bodacious caliber, and now Obama, who has the potential to match him. How? Let's count the ways.

1. Iraq? I rack you! RACK EM.

One of Obama's big promises was to draw down troops in Iraq and to eventually leave. Don't argue with me, he did say that in the campaign. Fast-forward to today, and we still have 100,000+ combat troops in Iraq. Sure, they withdrew from the cities (to bases either right next to or actually still inside the cities they were supposed to leave). But we should have a grand total of zero troops in there, and Obama sounded like that was the long-term plan.

Ending the war in Iraq (while escalating in Afghanistan, but that's another story altogether) has been a desire of the American people for a few years now, so getting outta there should be a slam dunk. But nope, the MIC is not done sucking the country dry yet. Americans ought to know by now but the MIC is still considered an ethereal spooky conspiracy boogeyman and as such aren't sure it exists.


As such, Obama is attempting to quash an Iraqi plebiscite that, if the majority of Iraqis say so, would force U.S. troops to leave in 2010 instead of 2011. This is plainly wrong but is a pretty clear example of how thoroughly entrenched business interests are in our foreign policy and, guess what, Obama is more than happy with this setup.

2. I MAKE MONEY. :flings dollars around, slips on a greenback and breaks neck:

You're gonna notice a pattern here, a pattern that should be understandable unless you're a blathering retard. Every problem with Obama is related to cold, hard cash. In Iraq, it's controlling resources and paying off contractors. With TARP, it's a pure, unrestrained raid on the treasury.

Yes, you remember TARP, don't you? B-b-b-but, that's a BU$HITLER thing, isn't it? Well yeah, it started under Bush's tenure, but Obama endorsed it. Now Americans are turning to Obama to fix the economy, which includes maintaining the banking system and finding people jobs. Well, if you were hoping to find a job in this country unrelated to french fries or gunning down suspicious looking pedestrians, you're in for a long, tough slog.

TARP is not the reason why our economy is fucked but it is a sign of the kind of "solutions" that will be presented to fix it. Mainly, these solutions do two things: 1) enrich people who are already rich and 2) make it look like we're doing something. It's rare that the government nails something that actually accomplishes shit, but this is not the kind of thing we want nailed. Well, maybe you want to nail it but not me. I have someone else I want to nail. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE SHUT UP.

The cousin to TARP was the "stimulus" bill that Obama went balls-out for right away. The stimulus was designed to kickstart the economy by throwing a shitload of money all over the place and then running away while everyone is distracted by picking up the money. Actually, about half the stimulus was in meaningless tax cuts. The rest is sitting around doing not much of anything. I don't know why that money is just sitting around, but there it is.

Obama planned, or perhaps not, to use the stimulus to do all sorts of cool shit, like making the economy "greener" and build new railways and install phone booths that fellate people and shit. Instead, what's been used so far has been used to rebuild roads, an important task but not very imaginative or useful in the long run.

Are there any plans to do any of the big picture shit? Doubtful. The rest of that money is probably waiting for the right contractor to come along, saying that they can drive trucks around or dispose of hobos or whatever pointless task they can be paid to do. There is talk of another stimulus perhaps coming up, but with the economy not showing signs of meaningful recovery, it's doubtful there will be any willingness to go along with another (needed) stimulus. The only question now is when will people realize that the wealth created in the last decade is gone (and mostly wasn't there to begin with) and it's not coming back.

3. You got a stimpack. :hit by a rocket, gibbed motherfucker:

Health care is set to be Obama's biggest hurdle, but as we speak (haha sike, you're not allowed to talk bitch!), Congress is about to go on a vacation (not a staycation) without addressing the problem. And it is a problem, because if you step on a crack and break your mother's back, you go to jail. Wait, no, I got away with it. No, instead you go bankrupt trying to fix that broken back.

While America has top-notch health care, access to that health care is basically shut off to over 90% (not NINE THOUSAND!!!!!!!) of the population. Insurance companies, under their most benevolent leadership, have been gradually jacking up rates, fees, copays, taxes, levies, Levi, Jacob, stubs, chubbs, chubbies, premiums and prices for ice cream, until today the pleasure of having a thermometer shoved up your ass (the only way to do it) costs you $200 a pop. Do you know how hard it is to pay $200 for a thermometer up the ass? Let me just say that I've already burned through five mortages to feed the addiction!!!

Numerous complaints abound about our system, but the chief complaint is that it is absurdly unsustainable. No matter how healthy you are, one major malady can put you into severe debt, unless you're so rich that you can shrug off such costs, or you have an insurance policy worth a damn. Inusrance companies have come up with a bunch of ways to outfuck their customers when emergencies pop up. Have you an illness or condition prior to the emergency? You might just be denied coverage outright for pre-existing conditions! If you pass that hurdle, mayble they'll come up with a reason to not get you the treatment you need right away, hoping to stall you out or push you to less-effective treatment. If all else fails, they'll force you to pay a percentage of the treatment. So if you need to remove that girder that fell on your head, the de-girdering surgery that costs $250,000 will be half charged to you! Have $125k sitting around? Cool! Don't? That's okay, you can just go bankrupt/get fucked!

For the majority of Americans, this is a distinct possibility. If I were to get ovarian cancer, it could potentially ruin me. It would also be really insane because I don't have ovaries! (yet)!

!!!!

!! So we have recently this flare-up over who will pay for health care in America. Will it be the peons and plebes, or will it be the government? Obama has a solution:

Force everyone in America... to buy private health insurance... there is nothing else after that ellipsis... stop using ellipses...!

"Now wait one darn second there, missy!" you might be saying. And I'll remind you again that I do NOT have ovaries. "He's gonna make all of us buy insurance, but is he gonna fix the costs and force companies to treat us?" Well, he SAYS he will do both of those things. He also said we'd be getting out of Iraq, that we would take serious steps to improve the economy, that Santa is real (I WANT TO BELIEVE), that Mark Buehrle threw a perfect game, that's black, that he is the so-called President of a so-called America, and that this is what it's like when doves cry. In other words, he is a family that can't reconcile, if my understanding of "Purple Rain" is correct.

So you understand that the situation is already dicey. Add to that that the insurance companies have lobbied the everliving fuck out of Congress (who, at the end of the day, are the main driver of this shit) and you should realize that the chances of meaningful, effective health care reform in this country are basically nil. And that's no laughing matter.

On the other hand, "Ghostbusters" is pretty damn funny.

These are three reasons why Obama is an OBUM. But they aren't the only reasons, not by a long shot. The truth is that by the end of his first term, assuming the population isn't that retarded (a risky assumption to begin with), he is going to disappoint the shit out of the country. And things will be bad and you should feel bad. But, before he died, Michael Jackson sang "Bad," and it was a good song. Not his best but still good. And "Bad" begat "Fat," and most Americans are fat. And bad. But it is not the worst thing in the world. We could all be living in Omaha.

If this bummed you out, well, welcome to the real world SONNY.

Heads up! Something is out there!!

Space is the bomb. The bomb diggety. I love outer space because it's all full of crazy shit that you can't even imagine. There are quasars, pulsars, novae, nebulae, African-American holes, caucasian dwarfs, Amerindian dwarfs, and the occasional ladybug.

There is, however, something unsettling about outer space, too. Well, there's a shitload of unsettling things. It's cold, for one thing, and I hate the cold. It's also kinda boring just floating out there, having nothing to do but play Kirby's Pinball. It's also really quiet. Too quiet... like it's planning something...

Actually, it kinda is. Even though space looks kinda placid, it's got tons of shit going on all the time, namely comets, asteroids and off-Broadway shoes starring TV sitcom B-actors. A lot of that shit can really fuck us up, though. In the next 40 years or so, several asteroids are expected to pass rather close to the planet. That's pretty goddamn scary and shit. What if one of them grazes the planet and scrapes Omaha, like a razor blade busting open a zit? Will the US be inundated with puss-filled Nebraskans? The mind shudders to think it.

But what is the worst that can happen, really? Let's find out!

1. Sun gets bored with us and flings us from orbit.

It's true that the sun can't actually fling us from orbit by itself. But it can get the other planets to gang up on us and subtlely pull us off course, like that episode of the Twilight Zone. You know, the one where the kid makes the rest of the world disappear and he turns that guy into a jack-in-the-box.

Why would the sun do that to us, its No. 1 attraction? Well think about it. Here we are, taking all of the sun's energy and giving nothing in return but ozone. Meanwhile, the other planets hate our guts. Ooooohhh, Earth gets all the lifeforms, while Venus is almost literally covered in bad breath!! They'd love to knock us off our pedestal and turn us into another barren, horrid shithole like South Boston.

It's unlikely that this can happen anytime soon, though. With all those occlusions or whatever they're called, the gravitaional forces of the solar system make everything pretty even, so the chances of anything knocking us off our orbit are slim. There is, however, the chance that when the sun begins to expand, it could push us out just enough to fuck us. But that's not for like a hundred billion years or so. In the meantime, the other planets will just have to DEAL WITH IT.

2. Asshole planet barges into solar system and bullwhips us into the cosmos.

Conspiracy nuts aren't content to keep their ideas to Dealey Plaza or the Nazis. Yes, even beyond the moon, some conspiracy nuts believe that bad shit happens because of a Planet X. No, it's not in the Nation of Islam, but it's almost as bad. Planet X is a theoretical planetoid that occasionally pops into the solar system, flies near the Earth, then flies away.

I've never fully understood this supposed intruder negroid planet. First of all, how the fuck can something so large fly so close, and yet nobody notices it? Astronomers (and possibly also botanists) have been tracking large interstellars objects, making sure that they don't come too close to us. So a huge planet slingshotting around escapes their notice? Nuh-uh, says Cho'gall, and I agree.

But the conspiracy nuts simply point out that Planet X is suppressed. We're not supposed to know about it because one day it'll fly up to us and knock us off our orbit, as in point 1. But this would not be a Sol-endorsed action. Is there a ragamuffin planet out there, playing a game of intergalactic chicken with us? Only the men with the tinfoil hats know for sure.

3. Earth is pocketed in a galactic game of pool.

Asteroids are the No. 1 cosmic threat we face. Well no, bees!!! are the No. 1 cosmic threat we face, but asteroids are a close second. Asteroids are giant chunks of rocks floating around the universe, just knocking into shit. They're the reason why the moon has pimples. They also may be the reason why the dinosaurs all died (either that, or dinosaur-on-dinosaur crime got out of control. When will the dinosaurs learn to increase the peace???).

Astronomers keep track of these bastards all the time, though for what purpose is unknown. There's nothing we can really do now to stop an asteroid short of launching Michael Bay at them. I guess astronomers are playing a game. First one to find the killer asteroid wins a happy meal!!

Even though the astronomers have a good bead on a number of them, they admit that watching all of the sky is impossible. It just might be that there's an asteroid floating around out there on an intercept course with our asses. If it's large enough, it could go kablammo and destroy everybody except cockroaches and Peter Frampton (there is no killing that guy!!).

It is theoretically possible for there to be an asteroid large enough to actually pummel the Earth from orbit, but not big enough to annihilate it like a watermelon nailed by a bullet. What if someone, perhaps God or Vishnu or that faggot Osiris is just playing a game of cosmic pool (not billiards, that's for shits)? What if that bastard called out EARTH, CORNER BLACK HOLE. WATCH THIS ASSHOLES!!! and launched a cuesteroid at us? And what if he launches a Captain EO shot that totally blindsides us? It would probably be very gay. But it could happen.

4. Hungry hungry black hole eats our shit.

Black holes get their name because everything that goes into them is annihilated into a fine black paste. It tastes really good on meat, but the tricky part is getting the stuff.

So far, there are tons of black holes out there. While they seem huge and imposing, they are in fact only tiny and imposing. They are so dense that not even light can escape their greedy, assholish grasp. Light! The fastest thing in the universe aside from me after having some chili and sensing a bathroom nearby, heyo!!

You might be curious as to how we can even detect these things. Well it's easy, numbnuts. All you have to do is follow the gigantic sucking sound, although that has become more difficult nowadays with the Mets. Haha, holy shit I'm on fire tonight! Anyway, the other way to see these bastards is by detecting Hawking radiation. I have no clue what that is, but apparently black holes emit that shit. I guess it's like globs of sweat coming off a pig. A black pig. That eats light and planets.

Anyway, scientists aren't too worried about us running into one of these things, but you can never be too sure. If a black hole gets hungry enough, the solar system would be quite a tempting target. Jupiter alone supposedly tastes fucking amazing, and I'm willing to bet that 1.5 billion Chinamen would taste pretty good to a black hole. Will the Earth become Kung Pow Planet? And will we only have FIVE-TEN MINUTE!!!!! warning before we disappear into the maw of a starving hole? Food for thought.

5. Plopped in a microwave by a nova, set for "cook," 15 seconds. Mmmm!

Everyone flips their shit over solar flares baking the Earth. But that's small-time. The real threat to global cookery is gamma rays.

Gamma rays are sorta like microwaves, except instead of delightfully heating up your macaroni, they burn you into pure fuck. Actually that's not strictly true. While gamma rays can indeed fry shit, their main super threat to us is utterly wiping out the ozone layer, not unlike how UV rays do it. Well, I think UV rays do it. I'm not entirely sure.

But without the ozone layer, according to my 4th grade science class, we are all triple-topping fucked. Even if somehow we survive the gamma ray bath, the sun's UV rays, now completely unimpeded by ozone, would give us a cancer bath instead. Life as we know it would be over, unless we can come up with SPF 2,000,0000,00000000,00,0,,0f,00,0004 sunscreen.

On the other hand, it should provide for decent beach weather, so there are tradeoffs here.

Gamma rays only happen when a star novas. According to a reliable source, a star nearby us is about to or may already have gone nova, and it is in such a position that will, and I quote, "drop lasers on our asses." So it could happen any day now!!! If you hear loud beeping in the sky, followed by a guy going, "Honey? Should I pizza or chicken it?" get under the shade, pronto.

6. Solar system bumps into stack of boxes carried by clumsy galaxy.

The Milky Way is like a guy carrying a shitload of stuff. He's happily walking along when, uh oh! another galaxy walks up to it, equally burdened by stuff. The two collide, and stars start smacking into each other. Can that really happen?

Actually, you nimrod, it's happening as we speak! Or type! Or listen to this blog on audiobook! Only $24.99 at Barnes & Noble!

Yes, the Milky Way is in the process of colliding with another galaxy. I don't know which galaxy, perhaps it's the Frank Galaxy that lives upstairs. He's always bumping into stuff! Anyway, according to a reliable source, we're actually safe... for now. If you stick with the analogy for a second longer, imagine the solar system as being carried on the Milky Way's back while the Milky Way collides with Frank in the front. Everything the Milky Way carries in his (yes, it's a man, okay? I checked. No, it's not bigger than mine, that's for sure, ladies!) hands crashes into everything in Frank's hands, so we're safe on his back, away from the carnage in the front.

But this won't be the last time the Milky Way smacks into another galaxy. And the Milky Way is a constantly rotating entity, so the solar system is bound to be on the front line sooner or later. What if a collision happens, and we're in the front?

It's unlikely that another star will literally bash into us. Outer space is frickin' HUGE, MAN. Like, WOW. But, if we brush up close enough to another star, the orbits of the solar system can be severely disrupted, and we could be flung out into the cold, smelly reaches of space. And that would be pretty gay now that I think about it.

It could be possible that another star from a foreign galaxy bumbles into us like a clumsy Nicaraguan. If that were to happen, it would be pretty funny. Imagine the largest America's Funniest Home Videos episode, ever.

Here we see the solar system, minding its own business. Uh ohhh, here comes star ECB-FU2!! What's he doing? Look out! *googidagoogidagoogidagoogida crash boiiiiiiing smash!!!: :laugh track: Oh my, that's certainly not a good STARt! :crowd applauds:

If that were to happen, the sun would probably be annihilated considering that it's relatively small as stars go. As for us, well, I don't have to tell you. We'd be totally safe.








Ahahahaha, holy shit I can't believe you actually believed that! Ahahahahaha!



The next time you look up at the sky, admire all its beauty and all the cool shit and stuff. But be careful. Somewhere out there, in the darkness, something terrible is lurking, and it just might take us all out one day. And not in a good way. I mean it'll take us out to a movie. A bad movie. And it won't leave until it's over. And then it'll take us to a diner. And you know what'll happen next. "Did you like the movie?" "Eh, it was okay." "Well what didn't you like about it?" ":sigh:"

God, it frightens me just thinking about it...

A quick waste of time

From time to time, yes even I watch movies just to feel like I'm staving off death for another few hours. Tonight's fare was "Speed Racer," the 2008 hit (as in, it hit the bottom of the box office LAFFO how was that for redirection?) from the Wachowski Bros.

I could get into a detailed explanation about the films merits, or lack thereof, but I have a better idea.

First, take a blank sheet of paper, any size at all really. Next, take a dozen or so cans of spray paint. Make sure you are NOT wearing a mask.

Now, spray the paint all over the paper, being sure to include an equal amount of each color, for full effect. While this is all going on, breathe in as much as possible, preferably as close to the paint as possible.

The result may not be an accurate description of what happens in the movie or what it's like, but it is an activity more rewarding than watching any part of this movie.

That's how most movie reviews should be. There's really no point in writing a disseration as to why a shitty movie sucks. Even Ebert doesn't bother with full movie reviews anymore. Do I have to list all the reasons why "The Dark Knight" is a good flick? No. It's self-evidentary, really.

But really, "Speed Racer" is a total shit movie and it's good to know that my instinctual reactions to movies is still mostly in tact.