Well what happened? Your balls fall off?

You could pretty much tell the G-G-G-G-G-MEN were going to lose this game once you saw the Eagles take the Vikings, gently insert their collective penis into Tarvaris (Tavaris?) Jackson's anus, and then spin so fast that Jackson's body disintegrates in a slightly erotic attack. Thus was the fate of the G-G-G-G-G-MEN today at the hands of Donovan McNabb and his chunky soup.

Sure, it wasn't exactly a pasting on the scoreboard, but the good guys were never in control after the first drive and perhaps after that safety. They relied too heavily on shitty tactics and were thwarted by the inability to do the fucking basics (i.e., manage the wind, kick some fucking field goals gawsh, and of course, TACKLING!!!!).

Let's have a rundown of the people who shit the bed, then tried to clean it off by urinating on the shit and using the cat to wipe it up. Take it from someone who knows, folks. It does not work:

ELI :clap clap:

Eli is a hero to most. He's still a cool guy and a worker of miracles. But like Jesus, sometimes you just have to be crucified. Unfortunately, today was Good Friday, and Easter will be, I dunno, when Mark Teixeira personally assassinates Dustin Pedroia.

Let's play a quick mini-game. Which one is ELI and which one is Tavaris?

15-29 (52%), 169 yds (5.8 p/a), 2 INT
15-35 (43%), 164 yds (4.7 p/a), 1 INT

Yeah it doesn't matter don't it? Those are two shit performances turned in against the Iggles D, although Tavaris doesn't have the wind as an excuse.

Then again, neither does ELI. ELI plays eight games a season at the Meadowlands, including like four or five in November/December, so he should be more than used to the temperature and wind conditions. Yet he was baffled, continuously throwing turkeys and being unable to place the ball even remotely where it needed to be for his receivers. He was a liability, plain and simple. Oh well, at least ELI :clap clap: will live forever even if his watch doesn't.

Steve "Spags" Spagnuolo "Spags"

The defensive coordinator and soon to be Jets coach, Spags spent his bye week looking up New Jersey homes or some shit instead of figuring out how to stop the unstoppable power that is JASON AVANT.

The Giants defense was able to render Westbrook and Buckhalter mostly irrelevant, but they failed to contain DeSean "Tard Hands" Jackson and Kevin "Sufficiently White Enough to Appeal to Philadelphians" Curtis, the Twin Towers of people who should not be able to beat a team that ostensibly has a "good" defense.

Most of the time, when the Giants adequately rushed McNabb, he barfed and did something stupid, like the safety and his interceptions. When this didn't work, Spags went to the tried-and-true strategy of having everyone run around the backfield and politely escort the Iggles' receivers to the first-down marker.

NFL coordinators have a curious habit of changing strategies when they're working. They don't change it when the opposing team changes up, nosiree. They decide that shit's going too well that they might as well make shit interesting and start fucking around. Incidentally, this is the mindset that has guided the Mets to successive NL East crowns.

Signature moment for SPAGS: Last possession of the first half, the Iggles are deep in their own territory, so SPAGS decides to only rush three and have everyone else take a coffee break in the backfield. The result? An Eagles FG, accomplished in less than two minutes.

Prior to that, McNabb had defenders close to him at all times. Now he was free to have some soup, ponder his life choices, and dish off to anyone who was open.

I don't know if SPAGS thought that since there was less than two minutes to go, he could just take a chill pill and coast to halftime. I suppose that was an attitude that leaked over the team because the urgency the Giants showed at the outset of the game evaporated not long after.

John Carney, Kicker. Professional. Man of Faith. Role Model.

I know it's gauche to blame the kicker for being unable to accomplish shit when he has so little to do with the team's circumstances. But Carney was a weak link that should just not have been so weak.

Allegedly, Carney is a pro-bowler, which is like being named employee of the month. In reality, Carney made Laurence Tynes' exploits of last year look magnificent. Carney was perfect as long as the uprights were right in front of him. Beyond that, he was helpless, like a babe, and not the Tewksbury kind.

When your team is struggling, having a kicker being worthless just adds to the demoralization that the team goes through. The kicker is supposed to be a stoic-looking person, because he's mostly bored. He's like the DH. He sits on the bench playing solitaire or some shit until he's in the hole, and then he has to look busy. But then he has to actually hit the fucking ball, or in this case, kick the fucking ball.

Instead, Carney basically fucked around and didn't even look like he gave a shit when he missed. His misses contributed to a loss of six points, which would've made the final score 23-17. A big difference when you consider the dynamics of the game. Fuck, if he hit even one of those, the Giants could've maintained the pretense of being in the game. But that pretense was destroyed once he missed his kick in the second half. If your kicker, who is supposed to be godlike, can't manage (especially when the other side's decidedly not-so-godlike kicker is managing perfectly well), it basically signals that your team is shit.

Kevin Gilbride, the Bride of Frankenstein. No not really, she's dead.

A Brief word on Kevy Gilbride. Hi Kevin. It's me, your conscience. Hi, yes. Okay so like, how come Tony Romo knows how to do a QB sneak and Eli doesn't? The QB sneak is the simplest play in all of football (second easiest: naked bootleg bomb to the corner of the endzone, power-I OMAHA OMAHA OMAHA BLUE 14 SET HUT HUT HUT :calls time out:). All the QB has to do is take the ball, and then fall forward. Fall forward! Surely Eli can fall forward! Yet he couldnt't! Why is this so!!!! The use of exclamation points indicates my confusion!!

Also, Kevy. 4th and 2. You have to go for it. So what's the strategy? Ah ha! Send Jacobs up the middle.

Hey guess what, Kevy. The law of physics called to remind you that solid objects cannot pass through each other. I know JACOBS weighs 8,000 lbs and is made of cast iron, but what made you think he could run through a collective ton of humanity, for two yards? 4th and inches, okay. 4th and 2? No. Kevy Gilbride, you are a dumbass who slept through physics and health class. That's why you have crabs and you can't save drowning victims. YOU HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT YOURSELF FOR THAT DIVER'S DEATH.

Well that was the season that was for the Giants. A one and done, the worst way for a season to end, because all it was was sound and fury, signifying nothing, spoken by an idiot, to bear the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, to stand to and to not stand to, OUT, OUT BRIEF CANDLE. Yes, brief candle. That was the G-MEN's 2008-09 season. Ended by a man named Broderick Bunkley.

His name is BRODERICK BUNKLEY. WHAT KIND OF FUCKING NAME IS THAT? An awesome name that's what. Broderick Bunkley LoBelia. 2012: It's happening. No, I don't want to hear that shit, okay? I already compromised on Vermont, I am not compromising on this. AND NO WE ARE NOT GOING TO BOSTON FOR CHRISTMASES.

The Iggles are now public enemy No. 1 of the playoffs. Fortunately, a hero is coming to stop them once and for all. His name: Larry. Fitzgerald. Irishman. Patriot. Wears Glasses.