G.W. Bosh: THIS IS YOUR LIFE!

So GWB gave one last final speech, his farewell address, on Thursday. It had all the pride of a baby staring at you after you snatched his lollipop and then lusciously licked it away. He was clearly bombed before he stepped up to the podium and he couldn't wait to get out of there after shouting what amounted to "BUT... BUT... BUT... 9/11!" at Americans for 15 minutes.

Why didn't he do it in the Oval Office, you ask? I answer: more people could clap at him from where he gave the address.

It's understood that his presidency is a failure, reduced to the yuks pile along with U.S. Grant's and Zachary Taylor's. But he could have gone out much stronger than he did. Here are some things Bush should have done instead of his lackluster speech, because goshdarnit, he's still the President and, by GOD, a Republican!

Show up in blackface

Recent polls indicate that Americans now prefer black presidents. In fact, the next president will be, as one reporter termed, a "chocolate face." Bush could have capitalized on this by showing up in blackface, perhaps with some Jheri Curl.

Imagine the coup he would've scored if he came out and declared that he was, in fact, the first acutally black president, thus stealing all the historical relevance behind Obama's presidency (aside from the historical collapse of the US that Obama gets to preside over). Flanked by T-Pain and LL Cool J, he would've made up for his lack of foreign policy cred with some street cred. If he employed a pitch correcter, it would've been icing on the cake.

Gotten high(er)

Rumor has it that Bush has recently been hitting the bottle again. If that's so, that's not enough. The final week of your presidential career is like the final week of any career: you're basically coasting. It should've been even easier for Bush because he's clearly been coasting since around 2002 or so.

So at this point, why settle for just drinking? We already know he was into some hard shit, so lighting up a few buds or licking a few stickers shouldn't have been a problem. At the very least, he'd be having fun imagining Dick Cheney as being an actual human being, something that can only be imagined with the most powerful psychedelic drugs. Plus really, who doesn't like a pothead just shooting the shit? I know I like one!

Laughed for 15 minutes

The presidency is a very stressful job. It can take its toll on even the heartiest of souls. And Bush has endured a great deal of flack over the years. Is he not entitled to some merriment?

If I were him, I would have seriously considered going into the Oval Office (it's more comfortable there), looked straight into the camera, and just started chuckling for 15 minutes. You might consider this stupid or insensitive given the amount of suffering in the world. But if there's one thing laughter is, it's contagious. Imagine what 15 minutes of Bush laughing at the world could accomplish. He could've ended the Israel-Palestine conflict, for instance, by having everyone embrace the absurdity of it all. This was a golden opportunity, wasted.

Crash-landed a jet in the Potomac

Anothe thing Americans approve of is heroics with aircraft. In fact, Barack Obama recently piloted a plane safely into the Hudson River recently. Imagine the accolades Bush could have received by pulling off a similar feat.

It would be especially easy for him as he's an actual pilot. He can even pilot airplanes while intoxicated, so crash-landing a plane in a cold body of water with hundreds of lives at stake should be something he'd be used to. He could've used it to completely redo the Mission Accomplished fiasco, as well, and this time do what he should have done the first time around: emerge from the jet with an electric guitar and play the theme to "Top Gun" while a camera pans 360 degrees around him.

Caused another 9/11

Let's face it: Bush was never as great as when he was standing on that rubble with that old, confused fireman and said those famous words: "When do I get to leave? This place is boring!" It may have been a difficult proposition, but inflicting massive casualties and then pretending it was an awesome thing is not something entirely alien to Bush.

It's true that there aren't as many psychologically iconic targets left to blow up. There is the Sears Tower, but that is in Chicago and Chicago is kinda out of the way. On the other hand, they do have good pizza. There is also the Space Needle but I have a feeling that most Seattleans would actually welcome its destruction. Then there are the still-standing landmarks of NYC like the Empire State Building and the Chrysler Building, but that's a move that strikes of a lack of creativity. I'm not sure audiences would go for a rehash at this time.

Whatever the location, doing so could've have potentially elevated Bush back up in the polls, perhaps as much as 60%. It would have been great for unifying the country, which segues nicely into Obama's bipartisanship. Most importantly, it would have gotten Bush back up over 50%, which is an important psychological indicator. And really, who doesn't like approving the president? All he really needs is to oversee another crisis and people will reward him for it.

Sadly, we will soon see the last of George Walker Bush, misunderstood genius and lover of hydroponics. He will return to Crawford a better man, and we a better country. Even if his departure was less than awesome, we can still tell Bush with all sincerity: this Bud's for you.

GODSPEED YOU BLACK PRESIDENT!