You also know that Columbus Day is, aside from a celebration of all things Ohioan, a celebration of all things Italian(-American). Columbus is "our" "mascot," if ethnicities can have mascots. (Fun fact: Greece's mascot is the Philly Phanatic. Normally, the dude who discovered America (and was smart enough to tell everyone else about it; good one Erik, you retard!!) is a pretty big deal, so Italians can be a little proud of him and shit.
But there are several rubs with Columbus. No. 1: He's not really a benign fellow. At all. Unlike St. Patrick, Columbus did not drive the snakes out of Italy, and he could only stay drunk 22 hours of the day. But worse than that, Columbus was a slaver and a really, really, really malevolent dick to anyone with a complexion darker than "ruddy." He presciently noted, upon finding the natives: "I could conquer the whole of them with 50 men, and govern them as I pleased." He would not let that opportunity pass.
Italian-Americans generally don't like being reminded of that, and I can understand why. The problem is that, as far as I can tell, nobody elected Columbus as the mascot of Italian-Americans. Well, I didn't vote for him. I voted for Joe Piscopo. We'll get 'em next time, Joe!!
But Columbus is just no good. Germans wouldn't like it if we made Hitler the mascot for German-Americans, not the least of which because Hitler wasn't American (at least not until after he was snuck into Michigan after WWII). Then again, Columbus isn't really American either. He didn't even buy a villa here. What a cheapskate!
Also, Columbus is only ethnically Italian. His voyage was for Castille, though, so that pretty much explains why things turned out the way they did after his voyages were through.
If you ask me, there shouldn't be a mascot for Italians. There shouldn't be mascots for other ethnicities at all. Mascots are stupid and should only either a) dance on the dugout or b) perform extremely dangerous slam dunks. Columbus can't ball and I'm pretty sure he can't dance, so he's no good.
The real problem with mascots is that they are stereotypes. Now, while I love a good stereotype, the problem is that people aren't really offended by them. Many Italians I know of pretty much fit the Italian-American stereotype to a T: overemotional, macho, family-oriented, pastrami eaters (yuck), religious, boorish, greasy, loud and excitable. If you call them on it, they'll deny it. But they fit the bill in most respects.
That's not meant to be an indictment of Italian-Americans. I think it's just a case of society conditioning people to behave a certain way. It's tough to break out of those molds, especially when you're around people who just want to embrace the stereotype because they love it so much.
But what makes being an Italian better than anything else? In truth: nothing.
Now, you may be screaming "TRADITORE!!" at me, waking up all your flatmates and embarrassing yourself AGAIN, but it's the truth. I don't like or dislike Italians anymore than I do any other culture or ethnicity (except Austrians. Fuck you, Austria). So I bristle at any pressure to be proud of my ethnicity, for a number of reasons.
The big reason is because it, frankly, is hypocritical. Until like 1850, the idea of a united Italy was pretty much laughable. Italy is a big-ass place with diverse regions, dialtects and mini-cultures. In some respects, it's not too unlike America in terms of diversity. And further, different groups of Italians didn't really take to other groups. There was no sense that everyone was an "Italian." People were Genoese, Lombards, Venetians, Sicilians, Piedmontese, Milanese, Luccans (laffo), Toscanans, Ligurians, Neapolitans, Sardinians, etc. etc. etc. etc. get on with it.
Even when Italy unified, it wasn't really smooth sailing, though it did kinda reorganize the inter-regional rivalries into two: north and south. And as far as I can understand, the division between north and south Italy roughly mirrors the division between north and south America (United States of). That's a pretty big difference, frankly.
Now you could say, "But we're talking about Italian-AMERICANS here!" Well, not necessarily for me. If you go by my mother's reckoning, then I'm 50% Italian and 50% Sicilian. But I repeat myself? Not really. Sicily is perhaps the most unique of all Italian subgroups, and I find Sicily itself to be even more intriguing than Italy proper. After all, Sicily was invaded even more times by outside groups, particularly the Muslims. There are still mosques on Sicily today. So Sicily strikes me as a more "happening" place, and it's not really accurate to say it has fully integrated with Italy. I'm sure most mainlanders would agree, which is their loss, because diversity is :cool:.
And then when you REALLY think about it, I'm not strictly 50% Sicilian, since Sicilian ancestry is buried under layers and layers of invading peoples, invadin' and rapin' and shit. Ugly business but that's what happened. So in all honesty, I find the idea that my "ancestry" has a specific meaning on my life to be ridiculous. How much Italian is my blood? How much is German? How much is Spanish, French, Moorish? Maybe a Chinaman's blood is in there too. Who the fuck knows?
And who cares? Does my heritage being 1.4% Turkish mean anything? No. Also my blood is not Italian. It's made of iron and hemoglobin and some other shit, not RAGU.
That said, let's quickly go over what it REALLY means to be an Italian-American, according to societal pressures:
EMOTIONS. Italians must be emotional. We must be passionate. We must take everything personally. I think this is pretty accurate, but then again, all Mediterranean people are considered emotional so it's a wash I guess. It's also pretty stupid. Stop being emotional and then maybe people will respect you a bit!
CATHOLICISM. All Italians are Catholics, except those friggin' traitors from il nord. We love our Pap though. This isn't a good or bad thing, but it gets ridiculous when everyone's all up in people's grill about being a Catholic when THEY NEVER GO TO CHURCH EVER.
The Mob. Personally, I regard this as being the most embarrassing aspect of Italian-Americanism. The mob are jerks. Shut up about all this "honor" crap. They steal and kill and terrorize people for a living, and they are all lousy shots and they have no imagination and are so far up their own asses, it takes Robert De Niro working overtime to make them look appealing. Italians bristle at being called mobsters but when the mob rears its head, they don't do shit to get rid of them. Jerks.
Food! Italian food is pretty goddamn good. Even the not-so-good stuff is good. So give yourself a round of applause, Italy.
Women! Italian women are great, except when they're ITALIAN women. I don't like hos that buy into the whole ethic because that usually means Lee press-ons, gum snapping, hairspray, tanning and an ego that can stretch down the Via Appia and back. Fuck that noise. I do like Italian noses and eyebrows. I don't like the overbite, though.
Guineas. Guineas are, perhaps, the worst. Worse than the mob? Well, not TECHNICALLY, but if I were forced to spend a car ride with a mafia don or a guinea, I would happily jump in the lap of the don. Guineas, guidos, greasers, dagos, whatever you call them, they are annoying as shit. The situation (HEH) has gotten worse since "Jersey Show" debuted, and of course every fucking guinea now thinks that's acceptable behavior so they're coming out of the woodwork even more than usual. I can't really express my deep hatred for this stereotype so I will spare you before this dark hatred overcomes my soul and oh shit too late I just killed a puppy.
The lingua. I can take it or leave it. I'm not really a fan of the stereotypical accent, especially when Mario says it.
Well, that was my little semi-offensive disseration on Italian-Americans. To make a long story short, Italy is nice but it holds no special place in me heart. And I think that's for the best.
No comments:
Post a Comment