101 CRAZY BUT TRUE FACTS ABOUT THE UNITED KINGDOM (KINGDOUM)

Well this is it. One day you were asleep in Massachusetts, dreaming of me riding a washing machine. The next day, you're awake in Manchester, wondering how it all came to this. But don't feel alone. You are in a world of magic and mystery. You are in the United Kingdom!

Many people have tried--and failed--to grasp the UK's intricacies. The reason why is because they don't have this guide: 101 Really Really Super True I Swear They're True Facts About (Aboot) England. If you study these facts carefully, you'll be able to impress your teachers, win new and exciting minority friends, and most importantly of all, survive in time for me to give you my other surprise gift (don't worry, it doesn't involve my pants... yet). But enough bullshit. Let's get to the facts!!

1. The "u" was added to "-or" words during the American Revolution to distinguish Loyalists from rebels; the idea was to essentially say, "U are loyal to the crown."

2. The British drive on the left so as to allow the Queen to ride her stagecoach on the right; this is why Americans drive on the right, and it is your duty to drive on the right/insist the driver drive on the right, lest you pass up your chance to slay America's mortal enemy.

3. Similarly, blunts are passed to the right, and in America vice versa (so in England, it's pass the blunt to the Queenie on the right).

4. Cricket is so named because it was originally conceived as a way of exterminating crickets in "an enjoyable mannere". The cricket bat was originally used to smash crickets. Early versions of the game would award points for "smashing the cricket" with the ball. Even more points would be awarded for "smashing the orphan."

5. The Welsh are called "taffy" because the last king of Wales, Owyn Taffyr, failed to show up at a critical battle for his kingdom's independence because he was "strikyn wyth a wycked tasty stryng of a most delyghtful taffee". As a result, Willy Wonka has a standing death order on his head in Cardiff.

6. The British maintain many Frenchisms, a vestige of their days as Normans. This was done so as to better facilitate the inevitable surrender to the French, which is currently scheduled to happen in 2116.

7. Fox hunting didn't start out as fox hunting. In medieval times, English kings would hunt page boys dressed in red for sport, a tradition started by Henry VI after he returned from an actual foxhunt in Brabant. (England did not have any native foxes at the time.) This tradition continued until 1813, when a population of actual foxes was finally introduced to the island. However, to this day, before the hunt begins, a hunter is picked to be the "designated fox" in case no foxes are found in the hunt.

8. Roundabouts were invented during the Revolutionary War to catch American spies, for Americans would never be able to navigate them and would thus be stuck eternally going 'round them. To this day, they still boast a 100% tourist trap record. P.S. If you're ever in Swindon, please tell my uncle Bobby that we miss him very much.

9. The original Tewksbury is in Canterbury Province. It is home of Tewkesbury Abbey. It is actually a misspelling of "Tweeksbury," but the name was changed to hide the fact that, like its Massachusetts cousin, the parish is full of tweekers.

10. Another Tewkesbury fact: the final battle in the War of the Roses took place in Tewkesbury. The House of York defeated the House of Lancashire 2-1 in extra time.

11. Prince Charles is next in line for the throne. It has already been decided that the moment he ascends to the throne, the national anthem of Britain will be the theme to "Charles in Charge."

12. Charles is currently Prince of Wales. That alone is reason enough for him (or anyone else) to want to be king already.

13. The Union Jack is comprised of all the flags of the countries of England. The blue background and white cross (St. Andrew's cross) are for Scotland. The red cross is St. George's Cross, for England. The other red cross is the cross of North Ireland (St. Patrick's cross). Contrary to popular belief, Wales IS represented on the flag. If you look very closely at the bottom right corner, the Welsh dragon (nicknamed Wylly) has his head peeking out from the background and is waving a bit. Cornwall is represented by an even smaller black hand extending the middle finger, located somewhere near the top of the flag. You get a free cup of tea for "finding the finger."

14. Tea time was invented by the British East India Company as a means of boosting tea sales. It was a smashing success. Less successful was its attempt at launching Asparagus Hour, though it is still observed in some parts of Kent.

15. Taunton, Mass. has the British flag on its flag. What the fuck, Taunton.

16. Spotted Dick is exactly what you think it is.

17. It should come as no surprise that there is no letter "R" in the English language, which has led to some consternation throughout the ages. One of the reasons for the War of 1812 was that the British refused to recognize the United States of Ameica because there was no such country. A proposed compromise (ultimately rejected) was to rename the USA to the United States of Vespuccia.

18. There is no word in English for "Gesundheit!" The British instead will just stare ardently for several seconds at anyone sneezing.

19. Similarly, there is no word in English for "puddle."

20. William III (of William and Mary fame) was killed when his horse tripped over a molehill. This is why it is considered rude to throw moles at the Queen.

21. The British hate the French (and vice versa) mainly because the British keep stealing French words. This battle came to a head in 1810, when Napoleon declared war on George IV in the infamous Stop Taking Our Shit War of 1810.

22. The British hold the record for winning the shortest war in history: 40 minutes to beat down the island of Zanzibar. The Zanzibarians insisted that the British cheated by "using faggot lasers and shit."

23. The British also hold the record for losing the longest war in history: 1,952 years against gingivitis (ongoing).

24. In World War II, the infamous "Buzz Bombs" were so named because the Germans would launch them to coincide with happy hour in London, thus "bombing the buzz" that came with the post-work drinking.

25. Trafalgar Square originally was in Cape Trafalgar. The British towed it back with them as a war prize in winning the Battle of Trafalgar. A similar attempt at towing all of Gibraltar back to England failed, however.

26. Jamaica was so named so as to pave the way for future puns, namely, "Did Jamaica shit in the sink?" However, plans to make Jamaica a joke word fell through when the American Heywood Jablome rose to international fame and stole Jamaica's thunder. It's still a sore spot in England today.

27. Contrary to popular belief, "God Save the King/Queen" is really just "God save the Kiiiiing, God save the Kiiiiing, God save that King," followed by mumbling and going "da da da daaaa da da" until trailing into "My Country Tis of Thee."

28. The Pilgrims were kicked out of England not because of religious persecution, but because their impeccable teeth were considered an affront to King James I.

29. The first King of England was named Offa. Needless to say, there has never been another King named Offa, because how the hell do you follow that?

30. The first ruling house of England was the House of Mercia. It only had one King, though (Offa), because they were beaten by the House of Wessex, who were not above using steroids.

31. King Edward IV is considered the Grover Cleveland of English kings.

32. The Coat of Arms of England depicts a family of three lions simultaneously gagging at the sight of lima beans for dinner (again!?!).

33. According to the Times of London, historians agree that Queen Anne was the hottest Queen of England. All things considered, that's rather depressing.

34. Great Britain used to be in personal union with the Kingdom of Hanover. However, when Victoria was proclaimed Queen of Britain, William's brother Ernest Augustus took over in Hanover. Contrary to popular belief, this was not because Hanover has a salic law regarding succession, but that it very strictly adheres to the "no fat chicks" adage.

35. George III really was insane. Among other things he did: his piss was blue, he had hallucinations, at times he believed he was a duck, and he sincerely thought "Joey" was a great show.

36. Prince Albert (of "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" fame) was really locked in a large cylindrical room by Victoria for farting in the bed, which gave birth to that joke.

37. Queen Victoria was named the "Empress of India" in an attempt to lure her out of England because her constant BO was too much for Londoners to handle. It didn't work because being Empress of colonial India is like being governor of New Jersey.

38. The British are angrier over the War of 1812 than over the Revolutionary War, though they will hardly admit it. The proof: Following their defeat at the Battle of New Orleans, the British attempted to rename New Orleans to We Didn't Want This Faggy Fuckin' Swamp Shit Anyway. But, as the war was over, the name change was not considered official. Maps in England, to this day, reflect that name change, though.

39. The British had a penchant for naming their overseas colonies "New _____" in an attempt to get the inhabitants of the original land to leave. This had mixed results.

40. New Caledonia: Failed to get the Scottish to move, prompting it to be sold to France. Reason: The Scotch had no idea what "Caledonia" means.

41. New York: Failed to get the Duke of York to leave. Reason: He was too in love with his yam garden in Yorkshire to leave (everyone wanted him out because he would pelt commoners with yams, which was considered tasteless at the time (it was considered to be in better form to pelt them with radishes)).

42. New Jersey: Succeeded in getting everyone in the Bailiwick of Jersey to move, believing that the New Jersey would have 100% less burning tire factories and 33% less landfills. Unfortunately for them, it had 100% more of both.

43. New Hebrides: Failed to get the Scottish to move. Reason: The Scotch were perplexed as to what a "he-bride" was and feared the land would be filled with gays.

44. New England: Failed to get all the English to move. Reason: The Cornish had hoped that the English would leave, paving the way for Cornish supremacy. All they succeeded in doing was getting the most obnoxious of English to leave, thus strengthening England itself while dooming the future United States to generations of insufferable Patriots fans.

45. New Britain and New Ireland: Failed to get the British and Irish to move; was eventually sold to the Germans, who renamed them to New Pommern (that was a success). Reason: Suspicions were raised when the Danish loudly announced that they had discovered these new lands while greedily rubbing their palms whenever the British asked about them.

46. New Zealand: Succeeded in getting Zealanders to move. However, they promptly moved back when they found that there was no free hash or Eurovision contests to be found anywhere.

47. New Brunswick: Failed to get the Duke of Brunswick to move there. Reason: He correctly deduced that it was a ploy for hunters to get his wonderful pelt.

48. Nova Scotia: Failed to get the Scots to move (again), despite a more direct trick. Reason: C'mon, if they didn't know what Caledonia was, they sure as fuck weren't gonna know what a "No-vah Sco-sha" is.

49. New Dehli: Cancelled dude to confusion over which street to place the New Dehli on, and if it should carry Bubbletape or Bazooka.

50. New Hampshire: Succeeded in getting everyone from county Hampshire to move. Reason: Take one look at the modern New Hampshirite; their ancestors were no different. You'd do the same thing.

51. The British invented the slur of "guinea," so named because Italians would work for a guinea, which was a low sum of money. The first use of guinea as a slur came during the Great Guinea Attack of 1791 when Antonio Ricciardello, a wall-painter, had so many guineas thrown at him that he became trapped in a pile of guineas, which fused with his skin and turned him into a monstrous pile of guineas that ravaged parts of London and ate all of its pizza. It was finally defeated by Antonio's mother's nagging and subsequent denying spaghetti for dinner, young man!! Thus "guinea" came to take a negative connotation.

52. The British tonne is derived from British currency. One tonne is 2,000 pounds. Did that just blow your mind?

53. The plural of "penny" is "pence." It used to be "penni," but the British got tired of people asking them "How many pennis can you fit in your mouth?"

54. If you glue two ha-pence together, you get a full penny!

55. The chav is fast becoming the most common Britfolk to come across, so it's important to be ahead of the curve when it comes to interacting with other Brits. To fit in with the chavs, be sure to a) wear a ton of Burberry, b) collect as many mobiles as you can, and c) greet everyone by slapping them in the face and yelling "SHUT UP MAN" at them in a thick cockney accent.

56. Contrary to popular (American) belief, the Beatles name is spelled correctly regarding the insect (in England). The same is true for the Monkees and the Rolling Stones.

57. Birminghamers are called "Brummies," named after the "brum" noise they made when coughing up soot after a hard day's work in the soot factory during the Industrial Revolution. To this day, "Brummie Day" is celebrated, when everyone puts ashes in their mouth and "brums" them all over each other. Coincidentally, this is still a daily occurence in Newcastle, though for unrelated reasons.

58. The word "faggot" is derived from the British meaning, which is a bundle of sticks. Faggots (and fags) were so named because during the olden times, when rowdy Londoners would go looking for gay people to bash, their victims would "lie still on the ground as if they were a faggot, thus confusing the angry Londoner into thinking they were indeed dead, or at least swooned, and thus not fit for a beating."

59. The word "lift" is derived from the old British elevators, which could only go up (hence the name). When a lift reached the top of a building, it would be retired in an elaborate ceremony involving burning the lift and tossing its ashes onto the streets below. This is what led to the Great Fire of London of 1666, though the practise would not end until 1971.

60. Buses in London are painted red so that, in case of a bull stampede, they could be used to distract the bulls from Londoners. Alternatively, in the case of a bull stampede, they could be used to run over Londoners if the Queen was on board one of them. The last time a bus had to be so used was in 1999.

61. Big Ben was originally conceived as a "sequel" to the Tower of London, in that it would be a prison used to torture prisoners. The clock was intended to be a means of torture, for every hour the bells would chime the chorus to "Come on Eileen." This was stopped almost immediately after the builders realized that all of London would hear that, and so ended Big Ben's original purpose.

62. November 5 (or 5 November, if you wanna be that way) is Guy Fawkes' Day. It is named after the British patriot who knew to "Remember, remember the 5th of November." However, Parliament had apparently forgotten that the day was November 5. So, he set up an elaborate reminder for them. His efforts were so appreciated and famous that they renamed the day after him in his honor, and also issued rather fabulous masks to commemorate his patriotism.

63. According to the BNP, Christmas is a British thing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O839fj8NVY0

64. The Sex Pistols declared Anarchy in the U.K. on 11 November 1976. Anarchy lasted for about three turns until England re-emerged with Free Trade so at last they could snag some sweet foreign trade routes.

65. Oasis got their name due to their Manchester roots, because their splendid teeth were described as "an oasis amongst a desert of yellow.

66. The knighting ceremony dates back to Aethelred the Unready. Aethelred faced a rival in the court, Mingus, and determined to lure him into a trap. On Christmas Day, he invited Mingus to the court for a "special gift." He made Mingus approach the throne and "lowereth his head, that he may receiveth it, yea." When Mingus obeyed, Aethelred produced a large sword, but since he was a shithead, he only had enough strength to flail lamely at Mingus' shoulders. When Mingus looked up and asked Aethelred what he was doing, Aethelred, out of embarrassment, said he was "knighting" Mingus. And so Mingus was the first ever knight.

67. Great Britain formally changed its name to "The United Kingdom" in 1947. This was because the British were tired of being called "BriTONs."

68. During the reign of Henry VIII, the national anthem (and king's walkup music) changed to "I'm Henery VIII, I Am." It did not change again until 1915.

69. The British invented shepherd's pie, so-called because shepherd's use to carve out the bottom of the table and stick their heads into them pie to surprise hungry people. This was a dangerous prank, however, and it is how George II died.

70. English monarch Sweyn Forkbeard was so named because he lost a fork in his beard and no one had the guts to tell him it was kinda just hanging out there.

71. Buckingham Palace is so named because, in commemoration of the Battle of Hastings, William the Conqueror decided to build his new palace there. But, according to the Venerable Bede, "There liveth a most aggresive and unamiable pigge, named Harold, who would eateth the man and child who strayeth too close to his snout, yea." William managed to jump on Harold's back, and "he did so surviveth the bucking ham, and its hooves tasted good. Its eyes, not so good." Since then, it is tradition for newly crowned monarchs to "ride the ham" to prove their worthiness. Elizabeth II stayed on for 10.5 seconds.

72. Contrary to popular belief, Charles I was executed because he lost a bet. He was unable to hold his breath longer than Oliver Cromwell.

73. Lord Byron, the famous poet and part-time stamp collector, died in Greece from sepsis. This is the inspiration for his final and most famous poem: "My Toes Are Red and Puffy and Shit. Is That Bad?"

74. Stonehenge is neither a calendar nor a burial ground. It is actually a postmodern sculpture depicting a schoolyard fight.

75. The British originally named the Hawaiian Islands "The Sandwich Islands." This was so named because Captain Cook was temporarily stranded on one of them (Manuae) without any food. He recalled that the explorers who found the Bikini Atoll named it because they found bikini-clad women on it. So Cook named his island the Sandwich Island in hopes of finding sandwiches on it. He eventually managed to create some sandwiches, but his "sand sandwich" failed to catch on with anyone else.

76. The Pilgrims are famous for being too anal for the Dutch, but that they were kicked out of England was also a display as to how obnoxious they were. Here is a brief list of people who were not annoying enough to be kicked out of England: scousers, wimps, bints, people named "Brent," tits, fags, bros, hippies, beatniks, people who ask you where your accent's from when they clearly know where it's from and just want you to say "beater," and George Michael.

77. Boston's Charles River is named in commemoration of Charles II and his legendary brown urine.

78. William Shakespeare was really Francis Bacon. Francis Bacon was really Jerry Bruckheimer.

79. A quadriplegic, Philippe Croizon, successfully swam the English Channel. When Hitler heard about this, boy, was he mad!

79. Underneath the English Channel is a mysterious tunnel known as "the Chunnel." According to legend, it stretches from Kent to Calais. On the Kent side, confused Frenchmen and Germans magically appear from it, while on the Calais side, drunken fratboys and hooligans appear.

80. Oxford University (home of the Seminoles) is the archrival of Cambridge University. This rivalry is known as the "World's Biggest zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

81. The lyrics to "London Bridge Is Falling Down" are transcribed word-for-word from a speech given in Parliament by Sir Spencer Compton, who witnessed the actual bridge falling down from the window. It was a good thing, too, because the speech was really boring otherwise.

82. There is a game associated with "London Bridge Is Falling Down," where two girls form an arch with their arms and everyone else walks underneath. When the song concludes, the girls lower their arms, trapping whomever is walking through at the time. They then engage in a knife fight to commemorate the looting of the ruins of London Bridge.

83. Another schoolyard game: "Oy!" Oy! is very simple: All you do is walk up to someone unawares and yell out "Oy!" Then you stuff them into a niche of some sort: a locker, a crawlspace, a closet, an oven... use your imagination! The best part is that it is the real national pastime of the British, and everyone is in on the game. Rumor has it that if you "Oy!" the Queen, you get to be king/queen for a day.

84. The British have their own Oscars, called the "BAFTAs". The trophy is a golden mask modeled after the face of Julia Roberts.

85. Contrary to popular belief, Henry VIII did not break from the Catholic church over divorce. He broke away because he disagreed with the Church's position on the Eucharist tasting like "card-board shite."

86. The reason why the Queen's Guard don't ever move or change expression or any of that has nothing to do with maintaining vigilance. It has everything to do with a centuries' long staring contest with the guards at the Mall. If you think the Queen's Guards are tough, just try the Mall Guards.

87. The British Parliament is currently divided into two houses (The House of Lords and the House of Commons). In the 90s, it briefly had a third house, the House of Pain, but it was dissolved in 1996.

88. Preparations for D-Day (as part of the Invasion of Normandy) were made at Devon, whose natural ugly beaches and surly German people were considered the perfect place to simulate the invasion.

89. During the Revolutionary War, John Paul Jones successfully raided Whitehaven, in Cumbria. The damage wasn't much, just some spiked cannons and a shitty fire on a coal boat. The British didn't realize that they were attacked by Americans until they found graffiti left by Jones himself, reading, "NICE HARBOR FAGS LOL".

90. The British slang for a woman, "bird," came from the 1700s, when British men would frequently mistake them for swallows. This also explains why many nightclubs are situated in trees, "to be near the birds."

91. The British have a habit of stealing ancient artifacts and sending them back to museums in England. This is what happened to many Egyptian artificats, artifacts from the Parthenon, artifacts from Calcutta, and artifacts from the world's first Denny's.

92. The Isle of Wight used to be called the "Isle of White," so named because it would combine with the "Isle of Man" to be the "White-Man Islands". The British begrudgingly changed the name to avoid offending people, but they were almost tempted to also rename the Isle of Man to the "Isle of No Blacks Allowed".

93. "Mary Poppins" went through some changes on its way from England to America. The biggest change: That's not a spoonful of sugar she's giving to the kids to make the medicine go down, if you know what I mean. (It's 100% Colombian pure.)

94. The Changing of the Guard is a famous event in places where the Queen's Guards are. It occurs every day at 11:00 am (EST, of course). This is done so that the previous set of guards can make it back to the barracks in time for The Price Is Right.

95. Also, the Changing of the Guard goes through an extended phase if the guard is an infant or toddler.

96. I am now learning that the BAFTA mask is actually the "face of an overwrought dramatist whose success baffles everyone." I'm not sure why they bothered to correct me on that.

97. Britain's most famous serial killer (other than "The Chef" Gordon Ramsay) is Jack the Ripper, so named because he got his start terrorizing mattress shops.

98. The British do not recognize Aluminum as an element, instead replacing it with Aluminium. It has the same atomic weight, but aluminium causes the tongue to spasm into paralysis when pronounced.

99. Contrary to popular belief, the Crown Jewels are not located in the Tower of London. As always, they are located in my pants.

100. Every six years, the British celebrate their empire by having the Commonwealth Games, so named because Britain felt that the wealth of its former colonies "commonly" belonged to it. For these games they have such events as the Run for Your Life, Slave Marathon, the Zulu Massacre Slalom, and the 500m Foreigner with Amusing British Accent Relay.

101. The current royal family is the Windsor family, but originally it was called the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha family, because they're Germans. The name was changed in 1917 because at the time the Germans were being super dicks to England. But as a compromise, the family agreed to have at least one family member maintain certain German traditions. The current "German Prince" (as they're called) is Prince Arry.

SPECIAL BONUS FACT

Because winners always do one more and because I always go the extra mile for you, here's a special bonus fact. This one is even less well-known than all the others so consider yourself lucky!

102. All British gents named Harold love it when you go up to them and shout "YOUR A WIZARD ARRY!"