NEWAYZ
Fall TV. The best that could happen is that you find a show that you really like, and who knows? Maybe it'll be an all-time great. Then you get to say, "I was in on the ground floor of that bitch!" Or, maybe it'll be a really bad show, but bad in a notable way. Then you get to say, "I was in on the ground floor of that bitch!"
So I make it a point to always give shows a tryout. Not all of them, since time constraints (MLB wrapping up, NHL getting... up, etc.).
The first one up to the plate this season is "Hawaii Five-0". Don't be alarmed if that sounds familiar. Yes, it is a remake. If you don't like remakes, I don't blame you. But I figured I'd give this one a shot since it has both Scott Caan (bastard son of James Caan and a mystery woman... my bet is it's Mercedes Ruehl) and Alex O'Laughlin (last seen on "Moonlight". Don't ask). It also has Grace Park. DO THE MATH ON THAT ONE.
We're three episodes in, and unlike "Lost," which cockteased for like 20 episodes, Hawaii Five-0 (let's just call it H5O from now on, as in water) has pretty much fallen into a groove. That's not necessarily a good or bad thing. It makes my job easier, though.
H5O is your standard cop drama, WITH A TWIST. Unlike other cop dramas that usually happen in places like Los Angeles or New York or Bismarck, this one happens in Hawaii, and boy don't you forget it! No, you won't be allowed to forget it. And this is ultimately what makes H5O forgettable.
Let's turn the clock back three years to the 60s and 70s, and onward into the 90s. It was not uncommon back then for TV shows to, when they didn't have anything better to do, to have a "______ GOES HAWAIIAN!!" episode. I think it started with Gidget. Thanks a lot, Sandy.
Everybody seemingly got in on it, actually. Tiny Toons. Chip & Dale Rescue Rangers. Fucking Green Acres. Family Matters. Saved by the Bell had a MOVIE set in Hawaii. What the hell, Twin Peaks had a Hawaiian episode?
The whole point of these episodes was, well, to be filler. Easy filler. The gags write themselves! Write in some luaus, some tiki gods, volcanoes, hulu skirts, fire dancers, Japanese surprise attacks, etc., and you have an episode! Sometimes shows got away with it and actually had fun with it, but mostly a Hawaiian episode is just repetitive garbage.
That's basically what's going on with H5O. It's a cop show that's permanently stuck in a Hawaiian episode. Sure, it's not as flat-out obvious as Urkel Goes Hawaiian, but it's the only real interesting thing that's going on with H5O.
Cop dramas are basically falling into a rut. If they don't have a unique angle (CSI, NCIS) or strong characters/dialogue (The Mentalist, L&O: Goldblum!!), then they're pretty much expendable.
H5O doesn't have strong characters. I want to like O'Laughlin's and Caan's characters, but all they do is trade bitchy dialogue. They don't seem to have much chemistry. They're always sniping at each other, then making half-hearted attempts to mend the damage. Rinse. Repeat. Apply deodorant. Take a shower. Rinse and repeat again. Apply more deodorant. Realize that it's actually 5 in the morning. Go back to sleep. Wake up at 7:30. Go take a shower. Wash, rinse, repeat. Apply deodorant. Go eat breakfast. Find out there are no Lucky Charms. Throw a temper tantrum. Arrive late at work. Punch out your boss when he asks you why you were late. Leave work. Urinate on your most-hated coworker's car. Peel out in an angry hurry.
The supporting cast range from eh to ugh. Daniel DAE KIM, last seen wasting his life on Lost, shows up and actually plays a Korean character! He also seems to have perfected his English. He also doesn't do much of anything on the show. Grace Park is hot as shit but doesn't do anything, either. There are also like some other cop characters but they're never doing anything. Perhaps Hawaii is such a chill place that nobody commits crimes.
The only person who actually seems to have a personality is Caan's character, Dano. His name isn't actually Dano. It's probably Dan, but fuck if I remember any of the characters' names. No prizes for guessing if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
So yeah, Dano has moved to Hawaii from New Jersey (though he doesn't really have a New Jersey accent... should've made him come from California) with his daughter. I dunno why the mother let her daughter live in Hawaii but there you go. Dano is appropriately bombastic and he still has the sleezy charm he had when he was on Entourage.
The problem is his buddy, Alex O'Laughlin (not his character's actual name, but wouldn't it be funny if it was?), is, like, he's a human plank of wood. His character's background is that he was in the special forces, or something (the explanatory flashback has him riding in with poorly equipped Navy SEALs, but he's not in any kind of uniform, so uhhhh), and then he does something stupid that causes his dad to get shot by a white terrorist. And he's all mad about that. Then he comes to Hawaii to be a cop.
Conveniently, in the first episode, he tracks down the guy who killed his dad and arrests him. Yeah.
It's not that O'Laughlin is like this brooding mope. He's just lacking personality. He picks fights with Dano because he doesn't like his antics, but he's not particularly angry at Dano or anything. It's hard to explain. The point is he's not a really mysterious guy, he's just so poorly written than not even the writers are sure who the fuck he's supposed to be.
I won't even get into the stories in the episodes I've seen so far. They're pretty standard fare. Nothing particularly clever happens in any of them. The action scenes aren't anything special, either.
So what the hell was CBS banking on to carry this show? Its setting. Yet, ironically, the setting really has nothing to do with the show. It could just as easily take place in Brooklyn or Campeche or Novosibirsk, just change up the background characters, maybe change the weather a little, and force Daniel Dae Kim to learn Russian. It won't matter. The only tangible thing the setting does is it a) gives the characters an excuse to fight the Triads/Yakuza and b) give the characters excuse to go surfing. And really, b) isn't even remotely exclusive to Hawaii, it's just that that's the only thing you can do up there (other than kayak in lava or something).
It's not that Hawaii can't be an interesting place. Really, Dae Kim's and Park's characters probably could carry the show by themselves if it bothered to focus in on their backgrounds more instead of the dunderheaded leads. But the show is so completely lacking in imagination that I really wonder why anyone bothered.
Incidentally, I have no idea if the original show is anything like this. Bizarrely, the title cards have that same goofy intro theme, but the show is not really light-hearted. Certainly not on the level of NCIS: LA.
If they wanted to remake the series, maybe it would've been better to set it in the 70s again? No, no of course not, the setting's not the problem. This show could take place in a land that's literally made out of chocolate, and it could have an all-star cast and shit, and it would still be a dud. It's the writers. Nothing more needs to be said.
So when you return to the United States, now sporting a horrifying blend of cockney/Birming'm in your accent, you'll know to give this shit a wide berth.
Hawaii Five-0? More like, Hawaii not a Five, but a 0!!! YES FINALLY I GET TO USE THAT JOKE.
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