But not all sports are created equal. Some of them are unequal in the negative sense. That is, they suck and/or are gay, not unlike the Boston Red Sox. In fact, some sports are even worse than the Red Sox, if that can be believed. Basically what I'm saying is I will never be a fan of the Sox no matter what happens. Believe it.
Let's go over them in alphabetical order.
NASCAR
NASCAR is a sport popular in the South, so already you know it's probably crap. And it's true: watching cars go around in circles isn't much fun at all. So why is it so popular?
I can't really say why people choose to endure watching it, but I know why they do: crashes. Everyone knows it, so stop trying to deny it. The risk of sudden explosive death can turn even the most mundane acts into a thrill. Don't believe me? Picture getting people to watch a pair of lovers traipse through a field. If that field were, say, laced with landmines, I bet you'd get a good turnout.
But NASCAR's problem is that the crashes are too few and far between. It's agonizing waiting four hours to see who goes up in a ball of flames. That's why I propose that they just cut to the chase, so to speak, and shorten the races to no more than 10 laps.
The most exciting part of any race is the final few laps, where racers increasingly throw caution to the wind and manuever much more aggressively. So why sit through all that boring foreplay when you can just make it a sprint? If you still think sitting through 100 hours of cars going around in circles, then you're dumb. Imagine playing Mario Kart, except instead of four laps, the tracks are 100 laps. It's EZ to see.
TENNIS
One of the oldest sports ever, tennis is enjoyed by stuck up people all over the world. Which means it's inaccessible to 95% of the population.
Tennis' big problem is that it's so steeped in its own ass that it defies ordinary folks to enjoy it. And it shouldn't be hard to enjoy. It's got lots of movement, lots of action, bitches in short skirts, it's like watching cheerleaders actually engage in competition.
Oh yeah, and I think guys play it too???
But tennis has three things going against it, as far as I can tell. First and foremost, it has an awfully boring cast of characters. Outside of the Williams sisters, most tennisers are hard to get to know. It could be because the mens' division is basically dominated by two guys, and the womens' division is populated by women. But that's really a marketing problem more than a sport problem.
Here's another lame thing about tennis: the scoring system. Who the fuck came up with this shit? (Answer: the English. They really do ruin everything.) Yeah look, I'm sure these rules made sense when they were first conceived outside a bar in 1139, but this America in the 20th century. We have civil rights for blacks and we don't count by 15s.
Now I'm not proposing they go to volleyball rules, but can they at least make this shit clear?
Here's a third problem: The games appear to be boring everyone in the crowd. I don't understand why they insist on silence and shit, like the tennisers can't concentrate unless they can hear a pin drop? Are they babies or something? Do they all have severe ADHD? And what a crock of shit anyway since they all grunt and shriek and sing songs and crap whenever they take a swing. Let the crowd go hog wild and maybe people tuning in will actually think something cool's going on.
So basically, tennis, loosen the fuck up a li'l.
GOLFIN
I take that back, tennis. If any sport needs to loosen up, now, it's
Whenever Tiger is not "on the" ""prowl,"" which is like being on the pill except it does the opposite of what the pill does, golf tanks in the ratings. Probably because people just aren't interested watching a bunch of stupid Europeans flail around some bumfuck course. Then again, Tiger does the exact same flailing but people like him. So what can golf do?
The Scottish invented golf, so it's only a little less shitty than if the English got their hands on it. Still, golf perfectly encapsulates the dreariness that is the Scottish countryside. Once again, everyone has to be dead quiet because golfers have to enter THE ZONE in order to hit the ball. It's weird. People can skate on ice and hit pucks into holes the size of Usher's dick (it's tiny) (so I hear) (I mean it's supposed to be really tiny), people can hit a small ball with a thin bat while the ball's coming at them at 95 mph, people can shoot a ball into a basket that's like 15" around, all with 40,000+ people screaming their lungs out, but hitting a stationary ball with a big club? No, that requires PERFECT concentration.
So yeah, let the gallery holler and shit. Don't these idiots know that if everyone is cheering, it creates a din that is less distracting than if you have perfect silence interrupted by birds chirping or squirrels fucking or a guy going "C'MON TIGER" under his breath, and then he's thrown off the course for disturbing the course's pet tiger mascot.
Here's another thing that could fix golf: get rid of all those clubs. If I were King of Golf, that's what I'd do. Then I'd invade the Kingdom of Billiards for its hot-ass womens division. But yeah, golfers don't need all those fucking clubs. Maybe they did in the stone age, when a 7-iron actually had a specific purpose different from the 5-iron or the 3-wood, but give me a break. A golfer only needs like four clubs, tops: a driver, a putter, a wedge and MAYBE a lighter club or something. Let the golfers compensate if they don't like it.
Also, as a corollary, I'd force all golfers to use the same make of clubs. No more of this Titlist super ballbreaker driver 5000.
Last, but not least, alligators in every water hazard, and if you hit it into the hazard, you gotta take your next shot next to the water AND with a steak tied around your ankles.
* * *
There are a lot of other terrible sports out there that need to be tweaked, but it's too early in the morning to get to them. So I will hold off for now. In the meantime, I will be tackling other things that suck in other venues. Keep your eyes out. I know you will be*.
* You won't be
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