It's Still Rock 'n/'r Roll to Me

Keeping with our (my) musical theme, as someone who frequents Top 40 stations (in no short supply all over Long Island), there's one thing that keeps hitting me, something that has hit me for years. No, not low-flying birds, dumbass. I'm talking about rock music. Get it? That's a line from a song. If you liked that you better leave because that's as witty as this shit will get.

"Is rock dead?" is a question that has been asked for years now, since the mid-90s, really. With Oasis breaking up, The Smashing Pumpkins collapsing (again), Green Day fizzling and most of rock 'n roll's usual players turning up AWOL or DOA, it's a fair question to ask. A book has even been written about it, and since it's $27.95 on Amazon, you can bet that it has at least some clout. By the way, this is the most scientific inquiry into music ever.

But is rock dying? Does it need to be resurrected? Or is it merely asleep, still vital but othewise occupied, ready to jump up and kill the nearest thing when someone pokes it (rock suffers from PTSD, unfortunately)? There are only two people on the planet who can settle this question once and for all, and they both happen to be me. Yes, I will argue with myself this most vital of questions. To start off, I have flipped this two-headed coin. The negative side has won and chosen to go first. Very well, asshole, IS ROCK DEAD?

In short: no. In long: this is a stupid question and you should feel bad and should go to bed without dinner tonight. This question has been asked for years for a reason: nobody can say YES. Do you see people still asking if the Pope shits in the woods? No, because they figured out the answer to it: HE CERTAINLY DOES.

More pertinently, do doctors keep asking, "Yo, is this patient dead?" for over a decade? No, they know right away. If he's dead, they prop him up like a puppet and use him to entertain the cancer ward. If he's alive, they prop him up like a puppet and use him to entertain the cancer ward. No, cancer, I mean, rock is very much alive.


Who calls rock "dead" when it's still on the radio? It's a proposterous proposition. A propostition, in fact. MTV still is down with rock, rock stations are still on the air, rock concerts are still going strong, rock may be weak right now but it's not disco.

I don't even know what constitutes it being dead. Record sales? Rock is still profitable. Concerts are still selling out. They're even making rock video games (bideo games if you're from the ORIENT). Does that look dead to you?

Rock detractors point to the failure of rock to come up with superstars as evidence. Just because we don't have anyone equivalent to Elvis running around does not mean that rock is devoid of talent, especially long-lasting talent. Pearl Jam has come out with a new album. So has Weezer and Alice in Chains. Are they dead? There's not as much churn as people think. Rock acts still have staying power.

Trying to point to sagging sales is itself idiotic. As you can see, the entire music industry is sagging. Rock is not doing any better or worse than anyone else.

When we get down to tin tacks (brass is too fuckin' expensive), rock is still the "it" genre, and I hate myself for calling anything "it," but there it is. It's the truth. People still dream of being ROCK stars. Just like baseball, the numbers may be down relative to other genres, but it's still the standard for popular music excellence, and it'll take a lot more than a bunch of limeys having a tiff or a bunch of washups flaming out to spell rock's doom.

So why don't we end this stupid feud and acknowledge that rock is here to stay. It's here, it's queer, get used to it, as they say in Afghanistan.

Okay, negative side, thank you for that wonderful report. Tomorrow we will hear from the affirmative side who will no doubt destroy this chicken-shit argument, and then swing in through the window to ravish the ladies. Tune in next time on MACGYVER (MACGYVER... MACGYVER... MAGYVER... MACGYVER)

What happened to our love?

One of the little things that fascinates me the most about EVERYTHING is that there are songs that I like at first, but then after a while, they lose their luster (or lustre if you are a bastard limey). It rarely happens. As someone who has the ability to identify a song after hearing just a few notes (it's an amazing ability, trust me. I can also READ YOUR MIND. Mwahahaha! Whoa shit, I didn't know you liked Cheetos... My god we really are meant to be...)

Anyway, finishing that sentence off, as someone who can identify songs by hearing a few notes, I take pride in being able to identify a song I'm either going to like, really like, not care about, or despise like it killed my father. YOU FUCKER, I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU, "LIKE A VIRGIN."

But sometimes, there's the song I'm down with at first, but as time goes on, something goes terribly wrong. Terribly, awfully, no good very badly wrong. I've done some studying of the issue and I'm ready to release a final report. And to help me with this (and in an effort to get myself associated with him so as to better win the heart of a certain Boston bum), I've asked celebrity chef JUDE LAW to illustrate! Everyone, give him a round of applause, he really needs it! Jude!

"Hello everyone. Can I be fed now, sir?"

No Jude, I told you, you have to both START and END each sentence with "sir." Come on now.

Without further ado, let's get crackin!

Culprit: Ray J feat. Yung Berg - "Sexy Can I"
Release date: 2008
Reason:
What is that, Jude asks? It's the discovery of some sound (or noise, to be precise) in a song that totall derails it! Allow me to eplain:

"Sexy Can I" is a decent song. Decent enough that I'll listen to it if I have nothing better to listen to. That was until my ears picked up on something, some noise in the background. See if you can hear it for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMl6koRXo4M.

If you didn't hear it, pay very close attention to the background noise, particularly in between the words of the lyrics. It is there. If you're still stumped, imagine some kind of bizarre muffled honking noise, like leather being rubbed together to create a leathery burp.

It took me a while to fully realize that there was indeed a noise, and like the FedEx arrow, you can't unsee it. Well, in my mind, I can't unsee the noise. Every time I hear the song, there it is, staring at me, getting in the way of everything else. The rest of the song recedes, leaving nothing but an ugly honking noise. This is the shit of nightmares, people.

I don't know exactly what they were thinking of having that noise in the song, but whatever it is (or is supposed to be), it ruined the whole damn thing. Not that the song was that great anyway, but when you're on the razor's edge, don't give me a reason to bump you off. :chews cigar menacingly:

"Sir, well done sir, but was the scar really necessary?"

Because, Jude, the scar is there to show everyone that despite our supposed perfection, everyone is flawed. Including you. The scar is a reminder of that fact, so as to not fall into hubris. Or something. And before you point the finger, my face too is imperfect, as shocking as that may sound. I've told you about ol' chomp, after all. So yes, that's the imperfection of my face. The only imperfection. DON'T YOU DARE CRITICIZE MY FACE YOU BASTARD.

"Sir, may I eat something now, sir?"

No Jude, you didn't end the previous sentence with a "sir." You'll never learn if I go easy on you. Next!

Culprit: Keri Hilson feat. Kanye West and Ne-Yo - "Knock You Down"
Release date: 2009
Reason:
Poor Mr. Law is being bombarded with a song. Over and over and over and over and over again. And like cheap perfume, Nachos, a thorough back massage, and being stuffed into a trash can and rolled down a rocky hill, too much of even a good thing can get boring after a while. Unfortunately, that's what happened to this one.

"Knock You Down" is a decent enough song. It's got a good beat and kind of a peppy attitude that makes me want to root for it against the evil preppy hockey team. And in the interest of full disclosure, if there's a song I really like, and depending on the mood, I can listen to it over and over again for hours on end. I just DON'T GIVE A FUCK sometimes and feel like I just wanna keep hearing it. Excuse the fuck out of me, Ms. High and Mighty!

But "Knock You Down" is NOT good enough to earn that honor. And I don't know why, but this song got played the fuck out of during the summer. I counted on three separate occasions the song being TRIPLE-PLAYED. That's unheard of. Absolutely unheard of. Yet there it was.

Poor Mr. Law is getting overwhelmed. This isn't fun anymore. This song has overstayed its welcome, and now he is musically frazzled. The only solution is to turn the damn thing off. For good.

Let this be a lesson to songs out there: If you're only just good enough, don't overplay your hand. Yes, it's often a good idea to go the extra mile to impress someone, but constantly showing up and taking over the airwaves when "He's Just Not That Into You" (now in softcover!) is a good way to get a fast ticket to Get the Fuck Outsville. Population: You. And a bunch of other bad songs. And now you can join them!

Incidentally, if you want to hear it for yourself (not that it should be a mystery to you by now), here ya go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G3Q8FFckHYY.

"Sir, that was wonderful sir."

It sure was Jude. But brown-nosing will get you nowhere. BACK TO WORK.

Culprit: Fergie - "Big Girls Don't Cry"
Release date: 2006
Reason:
Usually when I hear a song, especially a pop song, I ignore the lyrics. They're just not a top priority when it comes to enjoying music.

Such was the case with "Big Girls Don't Cry," a passable effort (especially for Fergie, who basically defines "cookie-cutter" in the current pop scene). Yeah yeah, it has a kind of dreamy melody to it, but it was good enough.

But apparently my brain was getting bored with just riding the notes and started paying attention to what she was blathering about. And then suddenly the song went from being tolerable to deeply flawed. Simply put, I was not kidding when I used the word "blathering."

I understand that artists rarely write their own songs, but-- oh, it turns out that she actually co-wrote it. Well then fuck it. Fergie, you can't write lyrics for shit, I'm telling you right now. Take a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mRBoJU-MTY.

That shit is ugly. As in the kind without an alibi. I don't care if she was drunk, I imagine the lyrics to this clunker were written on fucking crayon. Even rappers don't sink to this level of base rhyming. This is below minimum effort.

The most galling part has to be the shitty "Uno cards" lyric. UNO CARDS? Oh great, rhyme "yard" with "cards." That's real clever, Fergie, calling the game of Uno "Uno cards." I can't wait until she rhymes "lame" with "Monopoly board game" in her next hit song.

Once you hear something that stupid, there's no turning back. I was actually offended by it on a spiritual level. And so, like the song's idiom, we parted ways. Except I hope you know, Fergie, that it was entirely your fault. You can pick up your SHIT in the YARD, and yes I AM keeping the ring.

"Sir, fascinating, sir. Sir, am I doing a good job so far, sir?"

Yes Jude, you are. But don't keep asking me, that's a sign of weakness, and I crush the weak. DO YOU WANT ME TO EAT YOUR BONES, JUDE? NEXT!

Culprit: The Bee Gees - "You Should Be Dancing"
Release date: 1976
Reason:
This was a shocking outcome, even for me. "You Should Be Dancing," is nominally a pretty good song. It's danceable, it has a nice hook and it nicely uses the Bee Gees' style. So what went wrong?

Well, Jim (let's pretend you're Jim. I'll be his dad. His sexy dad, so keep that in mind when you're no longer Jim. Also I am a single dad :winks:), you see, sometimes life is funny. And not funny ha-ha or funny ha-ha that guy fell down the stairs and is in severe pain, but funny as in not funny at all. Which in itself is funny. Funny ha-ha that guy fell down teh stairs and is in severe pain.

What I'm trying to say, Jim, is that sometimes things happen for no reason. Like dice landing on boxcars, resulting in your college savings going down the drain. But I'll be damned if some woman will tell me what to do with my "play money!" And in this case, Jimmy, sometimes a wonderful love just disappears.

Except this wasn't a wonderful love, it was merely a pretty okay love. But as time wore on, the song just lost its spunk. Sometimes a song can survive without its spunk, like "Beat It," but not all of them can. Unfortunately, "You Should Be Dancing" cannot survive without its spunk. It's become lifeless and bland, and rather than deal with that, I just go past it (unless there's absolutely nothing else on, then I'll give it a listen for old time's sake).

Here it is if you're curious: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CaXdTe2TYhs.

The Bee Gees still have "How Deep Is Your Love" and "Jive Talkin'" as their biggest hits, so this is not a terrible loss. But it is still kind of melancholy.

Okay, you can stop being Jim now. So, baby, what brings you to a place like this? How about we check out my... Bee Gee...

"Sir, was it really necessary to draw a Hitler moustache on me earlier, sir?"

Oh, you're still here... Yes, Jude, it was. Because I was making a point, being that we are all Hitler. Even in the right circumstances, we can become Hitler, a neurotic one-balled Jew-hater with a penchant for magnificent military fuckups. We must not fall victim to hubris and think that we can save the world, one Slavic country at a time. If we're not careful, a new Hitler will be born and ruin the world. Are you a Hitler, Jude?

"Sir, no sir."

Good. You can go now.

"Sir, thank you sir. Come see me play Hamlet!!"

Yes, come see Jude play Hamlet in New York. You can go away now.

"Awesome. Get lost you fuckin' weirdo!"

YOU SHUT UP, JUDE. GO BACK TO SIENA, YOU BIG BABY. WAH WAH I'M JUDE LAW I'M A BABY WHY DOESN'T ANYONE LIKE MY MOVIES WAH WAH JOAQUIN PHOENIX GETS ALL THE GLORY WHY? WAH WAH WAH MY WIFE IS HOT WAH WAH nobody cares Jude. NO BODY CARES.

Oh, he left. Well, bye!

When will the United States break up into states????

Someone asked me the other day. Well, not me, but I imagine it was directed at me because I am SMAT.

You might be wondering why someone might ask such a question. And I shall answer. You, not him. I'll answe him in a second. But for you, the answer is: Ever since January, certain segments of white America have developed a fear of the black dude being in office. Apparently this was their worst nightmare, and now that it has come true, it's time to talk secession. Serious talk. Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX) of Texas (R-TX) let it slide that secession is not out of order for the Texan.

So just like a black dude moving into a white neighborhood, now all the white people want to go off and do their own thing. What if it happens on a national scale, though? Fortunately, I am here to provide you a guide just in case the worst (best?) happens.

NEW ENGLAND

Government Type: Noble Republic

National Motto: "Yankees suck!"

State Bird: The cod

National Anthem: Yankees Suck

Probable Ruler: Jason Varitek

New England was one of the first English settlements in the New World. It has been downhill ever since. You couldn't expect much from Puritans, anyway.

The history of New England is rich and vibrant up until around 1780, and then it kinda turns into "meh." The American Revolution pretty much started there and Boston Harbo(ur) was the site of the original tea party. Subsequent attempts to repeat the tea party have been funnier but much less effective, so we can thank New England for that.

When the Revolution kicked into full gear, though, New England kinda went quiet. I guess they were all loyalists to the crown after all, or perhaps were placated with a shitload of crabs or something. They've spent the rest of American history kinda at the peripherals, having a race riot here and there, having a Kennedy here and there, and contributing lots of sap and drunk people.

Secession is not new to New England, though. Around the time of the War of 1812 (circa 1812), some butthurt New Englanders from Hartford (naturally) wanted to petition government to do something retarded. In the first documented use of "lol, no" in history, they were rebuffed and sent home in a tub, according to one depiction. It turns out to have been a true depiction because goddammit it's the funniest!!

New England has returned to the fore recently by having a bunch of states legalize gay marriages, once again pissing off large segments of the country, but this time for non-gay (ironically) reasons. It's inevitable, then, that New England will secede to protect its gays and its fishing rights and the few remaining Kennedys, lest New York eat them all.

MANHATTAN COMMUNE

Government Type: Anarchist Commune


National Motto: "What do you mean the A line is closed??"


State Bird: The middle finger

National Anthem: The Sound of Roadwork

Probable Ruler: A collective of 25 Democratic homeless guys and Michael Bloomberg

New York has a pretty vibrant history that precisely zero people outside of the greater city limits gives a shit about. It was first colonized by the Dutch. When the English realized that the Dutch knew what they were doing, they seized it, and it has been inhabited by assholes and paranoid people ever since.

In the Revolution, New York got off to a bangin' start, with Washington and his crew trying to do drivebys against the British. There even was a battle in White Plains, in which the loser had to occupy them. After Washington lost a bunch of times, he fled to New Jersey. That about says as much as you need to know about how well New York fared in the war.

New York city spent the rest of the war harboring prisoners, another thing unchanged up until now.

Although the city has remained America's largest and most important cities (sorry Fresno, you're still No. 1 in my heart!!), not a great deal of things of historical significance have happened to it. Sure, some people tried to blow it up a bunch of times, it has the greatest sports franchise in all of sportsdom in it, and it has steam pipes that explode on a regular basis, but really, can you write a decent history textbook about that? Probably not.

When the secession time comes, New York city will serve as the capital of a rather dreary country. By necessity, New Jersey will have to be annexed to serve as a natural buffer state. An entire swamp of toxic waste should be sufficient to keep out Appalachia. As for the north, upstate NY will also have to be annexed. Miles and miles of boring, empty countryside should be sufficient to keep Vermonters and Canadians at bay.

However, that still leaves the Connecticuters, who are basically mutant New Yorkers. New England will have to deal with them for the most part, but CTers could pose a serious threat if they continue to fester to the north.

Long Island would also have to be annexed and converted into a penal colony, perhaps for rogue CTers and New Jerseyites. I'll leave it to you to imagine what terrible things will dwell on the Island after a few generations of those get together.

MIDWESTLANDS


Government Type: Absolute Monarchy


National Motto: "FIRE MILLEN!" (now and forever)


State Bird: The canary

National Anthem: Have You Driven a Ford Lately? looped over four minutes

Probable Ruler: The corpse of the last steelworker propped up a la "Weekend at Bernies"

From Pennsylvania til the outer reaches of Wisconsin, and down through Appalachia, Midwestlands represents a vast, mysterious colony of Americandom.

At the time of the Revolution, this land was inhabited by nobody. Oh wait, it was inhabited by Indians but, yeah. It was also supposedly inhabited by French people but come the fuck on. As America marched westward, squashing everything in its way, the Midwest turned into a breadbasket, and when that got too boring, a huge place of industry. Cities like Detroit, Chicago and Louisville sprung up to either build shit or provide shit to build said shit with (it was mostly shit, though). This turned out to be pretty cool for a few centuries.

The Midwest lived through the Civil War, becoming an area of battle and bloodshed and carpetbaggers fighting and stuff. Then the Depression came and turned half of it into a wasteland. But after WWII, the Midwest sprung back to life with industry, and cities like Cleveland actually mattered. Funny, eh?

The Midwest became historically notable for being the sight of some rebelliousness, as blacks frequently rioted against shit conditions, particularly in Detroit, which was very understandable. Also someone set the Cleveland river on fire once, officially marking it as cooler than London, England. Chicago also burned down once thanks to a cow. Cows have been outlawed ever since.

But ever since that fire, it's been downhill (or should I say, down mountain? Haha no actually most of the Midwest is flat. EAT THAT). Industry began to dry up, either being annihilated by bad market conditions or moving to lower-cost pastures. Today, the situation is so dire that, well, actually it doesn't really look that much different than when it was prosperous.

As the Midwest begins to crumble, there will be a mass migration to the only area that has econmic activity left: the Appalachians, where coal is king. And boxite is the queen. Talc is the jack, surprisingly.

By retreating into the mountains, Midwesterners will naturally turn into dwarves and gnomes, rebuilding themselves into a kingdom of IRON. Well, coal mainly. But you can still build shit out of coal, right? It's like a rock. Just pile that shit up and voila! An outhouse!

Eventually, the surface will be totally abandoned, although shrewd Midwarves will charge people (like me) to urbex that shit. Perhaps Disney will buy up Cincinnati and turn it into one giant Haunted Mansion. Disney, if you're reading this, hire me. It'll be fucking DAP.

It's unknown if the Dwarven Kingdom of Midwestia will ever return to prominence. Eventually they may develop a weakness to light a la the trolls from "David the Gnome." When that happens, the kingdom may come to a tragic end when they mistakenly surface during a solar eclipse and are caught out in the light, wiped out en toto. No, not that toto you dimwit, it's Latin. No, Toto was Latin, I mean "en toto." God.

TEXAN

Government Type: Corporate Kleptocarcy

National Motto: "Run for the border!"

State Bird: A Predator drone

National Anthem: White Faces

Probable Ruler: Branch manager of a Taco Bell

When it comes to seceding, nobody does it like Texas. Although the CSA gets the glory for seceding, Texas paved the way. Without Texas, Dixie would have pussied out and then we wouldn't have had "Glory," and thus Denzel Washington's career would not have taken off. Then what would Tyler Perry have had his black grandmothers stereotypically lust after? Wesley Snipes? I don't fuckin think so.

Texas was originally a land filled with dinosaurs and other exotic creatures. And then a comet landed and everyone died. Then Mexicans appeared, but the place was too shitty to settle on their own, so they invited white Yanks to settle it for them. This would mark the first time that American tourists would fuck a place up.

Predictably, this setup wasn't gonna work for the long run, mainly because the white settlers wanted to bring slaves in and the Mexicans were against that. So the Texans heroically rebelled and formed their own gay little nation. And then they became Americans. And that's why we have the Dallas Cowboys, Susie!

Texas would again (sorta) secede, along with the rest of the south, in the Civil War. But Texas wasn't too active during the war, mainly because it was still a sparsely populated shithole. After the war, Texas became notorious for being a cowboy yipee-kay-yay motherfucker warzone, but that shit happened more in Arizona and New Mexico. So in reality, Texas is more boring than it seems.

Nowadays, Texas is known for cattle, football, baseball and attacking Mexicans, although only cattle really stands out as distinctly Texan. When the time comes to secede again, Texas (along with Oklahoma, because who else would take in Oklahoma?) would most likely hunker down and go into full David Koresh mode. Except this time the ATF won't win! Because there won't be an ATF! Hooray for fucking default wins!

The future of Texas will remain a mystery after that. Texas Tea has long since ran out, and it's doubtful that Texas would be able to maintain its military bases without support from the rest of the non-existant country. Would they turn to Mexico for help? Would we come full circle, and return Texas to the Mexicans, and then in turn to the dinosaur people, asleep in Aztec temples, waiting for Quetzecoatl to liberate them from their slumber? I hope so because I want to visit Jurassic Park right now. RIGHT NOW.

DIXIE

Government Type: Fundamentalist Theocracy

National Motto: "No, it clearly says here that Jesus hates fags AND Haitians."

State Bird: old Jewish New York expat launched out of cannon

National Anthem: LOL Smiley Face

Probable Ruler: Computerized face of Pat Robertson a la "TRON"

When the Confederates first broke away, they made the terrible mistake of wearing gray on their uniforms, thus making them stand out against the blue Union uniforms. What they should have done was either a) dress up in blue uniforms, thus confusing the Union and possibly making the Yanks shoot at each other, or b) dress up as monsters and try to scare everyone.

But that's neither here nor there. Dixie wrote the textbook on how to secede (and win people (and get curbstomped)), but there was a slight problem: they seceded against an entire industrialized country that was primed to drag them back into the Union. This time they won't face such an adversary.

In an ironic twist, whereas the industry of the country was focused on the north and west, now a good deal of remaining industry is in the south. Problem: a lot of that industry is foreign. Toyota owns a large chunk of that manufacturing, for instance. Would Dixie dare nationalize those factories to retool them into Hummer and Giant RoboJesus production plants? Or does the fear of samurai assault keep them at bay?

The only real problem that Dixie will face for sure is its emancipated black citizens. As always, blacks outnumber whites, and this time they're OUT. FOR. BLOOD. Would white Dixians attempt to reslave the blacks? We don't know. And that's why I'm paid the big bucks to be an anthropologist!

DESERET

Government Type: ???

National Motto: ???

State Bird: the bee

National Anthem: ???

Probable Ruler: Glenn Beck

Deseret has already existed once. When Brigham Young and co. were kicked out of Ohio (back then this was actually considered a bad thing), they headed west until they finally found people who wouldn't kick them out: nobody in particular. They finally settled on a giant fucking salt lake called Salt Lake City, though it wasn't called Salt Lake City at the time. It was called "a giant fucking salt lake, oh whoops, sorry Jesus!".

Well anyway, the Mormons named their new kingdom Deseret. Why? I dunno, I guess because it was near a goddamn desert? Something like that. Anyway, this new land was supposed to be independent and shit. The problem was the United States already claimed that land and weren't about to let Mitt Romney build a temple on it or whatever he wanted to do. This led to an almost war between the Mormons and the States, but the Mormons backed down in exchange for a middling basketball team.

Ever since then, Deseret (commonly known as Utah to you and mean) has been basically the only functioning Mormon stronghold on the planet. As the epicenter of Mormonism, much of the land is shrouded in mystery, almost as obfuscated as the Vatican or Angkor Wat, or the Forbidden City, or Scientologia, or K-Mart. What on earth is in K-Mart's furniture section? The mind ponders...

It's easy to say that Deseret will be impenetrable. It's surrounded by desert and salt, so the plan to sneak in via Trojan Slugs will ultimately fail. Also the flag has a giant beehive in it, and if it's one thing most people are scared of, it's FUCKING BEES. Are the Mormons growing giant anti-Mormon African Killer Bees? No, because according to Joe Smith, Africans are of the devil. It's true look it up. No, it's not true that Africans are of the devil, it's true that Joe Smith says that. What? How the fuck should I know, the dude would shout out the book of Mormon into a goddamned hat.

CALIFORNIA (KNOWS HOW TO PARTY)

Government Type: Thugocracy

National Motto: "For English, dial 1. Para Espagnol, oprima dos."

State Bird: the Anaheim Angels of Anaheim, California, Los Angeles county

National Anthem: see nation's name

Probable Ruler: A child molester dressed as Pluto (but now we are redundant)

California is the land of dreams, gang warfare and the constant specter of total annihilation via the earth literally flicking southern California off its back like an agitated dog. It also as a goofy looking bear on its flag, so it was pretty much destined to be a Disney hotspot since its conception.

Like Texas, California too knows the sweet, sweet can, erm, glory of secession. The "Bear Flag Republic," as it was called because California was infested with both bears and flags at the time, seceded from Mexico in favor of glorious annexation from the States. California also took Nevada, California, Arizona and New Mexico with it. But not Hawaii. That would come later.

Unlike Texas, though, when the Civil War appeared, California stayed put because it was on the other side of the country and it had its own shit to take care of (like, nothing). But after the war was over, California exploded due to the presence of Chinese workers with nothing to do and gold prospectors with also nothing to do.

When gold was found, though, then pushy American tourists appeared and started settling towns in the middle of the desert. California's economy kicked into gear as railroads came up and blah blah blah you should've learned this shit in high school. Oh that's right you fell asleep. I bet you never thought that that D on that history test would come back to haunt you, eh? EH?

But then the gold went away, only to be replaced by something even more worthless: Hollywood. California also built up high-tech industry and expensive houses and really, really prickish rich people, and its economy was based on the health of all of those things. A century later, and the only things remaining in California are Hollywood and prickish (but not as rich) people. Also forest fires. But you can't exact tax money from forest fires because they are all poor and lazy bums and GET A JOB YOU FIRES.

How would California (and associated territories) fare in the new North America? Outlook not so good. Hmm, that sucked, let's try again. :shakes: Ask again later. Ask again later? How much later? :waits 30 hours: Okay, one last time. :shakes: No.

Well there you have it. The Magic 8-Ball has deemed California as being a wasteland, though it's easy to see why. In terms of natural resources, the only thing California has in abundance is gaudy sports teams and abandoned houses. It gets worse when you go outside of Cali proper. Nevada has gambling, but that's it. Colorado has pot, but not as good as in the Northwest (or so I hear). Arizona has sand. New Mexico has... what the hell does New Mexico have? Cacti? Who knows??

On the flipside, this apparent lack of anything worthwhile may insulate California was invasion, as long as they can keep Disneyland a secret. Actually that may not even be necessary, as Disneyworld is so much better than Disneyland, most invaders would probably just pass it by. So score one for the Californians!


CASCADIA

Government Type: Drum Circle

National Motto: "(a long, drawn-out sigh)"

State Bird: an owl or something

National Anthem: Anything by COBAIN!!!

Probable Ruler: Most likely, that same owl

The Pacific Northwest once was nearly a casus belli between the US and Britain. Yes, hard to believe, but remember that whole 54-40 or Fight nonsense way back when? No? It was only like 160 years ago, man. That shit was a big deal back then. Okay I'm done trying to make that sound hella interesting.

In the ensuing compromise, the United States got everything south of Vancouver. In retrospect, that didn't work out so well for us because Vancouver is the world capital for "cheap movie sets that absolutely need to look vaguely like a big city." On the plus side, Vancouver Island is actually pretty boring.

After that brief bout of glory, Cascadia has been quiet ever since then, until the 90s, when grunge music emerged like an unexpected burp that brings up some vomit with it.

The United States survived the grunge onslaught, and the Cascadians retreated to their dens to write more chords. Also the SuperSonics did something, and the Trailblazers drafted Sam Bowie, and the Seahawks got RIPPED OFF. The end.

In terms of resources, Cascadia has a shitload of fish and trees (and trees, if you know what I mean, and I think you do :tries to wink, fails:. It also has rain. Rain rain rain. Rain rain. But that's just about it.

How would Cascadia do post-secession? It'd probably do pretty well, actually. It's protected against Canadians by virtue of British Columbia being terminally boring. If they ever were attacked, they could retreat to the trees and launch devastating aerial attacks against anyone foolish enough to think that Tacoma actually was worth visiting. The only problem they'd face is Californians fleeing from the Big One or another forest fire or the riots spawned by the Clippers winning a championship. But when it comes to hordes of Californians stampeding into your state like surly lemmings, nobody really knows what to do.

WHOCARESISTAN

Government Type: Mehocracy

National Motto: "Hello? Is anyone out there? (echoes four times)"

State Bird: an empty birdcage

National Anthem: Four Minutes of Dead Air

Probable Ruler: Who cares?

The rest of the country would inevitably be left to fend for itself, as the members of Whocaresistan know well enough. Whocaresistan has had a very vibrant history of being completely unnotable. Even Cascadia had more shit going for it than the states of Wisconsin, Minnesota, Idaho, Montana, the Dakotas and Wyoming. If you want to be generous and give them Kansas, well okay. But then all they have is Bleeding Kansas, and really, what the hell is that?

Well that's not entirely true. Whocaresistan was the sight of many different Indian battles, such as Little Crow and shit. But really, that's it. I mean it this time.

Whocaresistan isn't totally devoid of everything, though. It does have some farmland, some lakes I guess, and the Packers. And Brett Favre, the most feared man in the world.

Will Whocaresistan secede? Or will everyone else just kinda slink it off like an uncomfortable sweater that your mom makes you wear. All scruffy and warm on the neck. No I'm not wearing it anymore! Oh great, now it's cold. Now I need to put it back on. And now my hair is all messed up. YOU RUINED CHRISTMAS AGAIN MOM.

So what'll happen to Whocaresistan after secession? Probably the same thing that happens when a tree falls in the woods and nobody's around to hear it. It'll make a sound, duh. What, you think the laws of physics end beyond your ears? Come on man. But the question is, what sound will it make? My money's on it going, "Mmmmmmrrrrup."

And now we have reached the conclusion of this post. You might be wondering what happens to Alaska and Hawaii and Guam and the Virgin Islands and Samoa and Eritrea. Well, Hawaii has been independent before so I guess it'll be alright? And Alaska will be eaten by wolves. There, that settles that.

Who knows when the United States will break up? It could happen tomorrow, or a year from now, or 20 years from now. Or maybe it already happened, and only YOU can go back in time and stop it. Are you bad enough to go back in time and stop the United States from breaking apart?

If you're bad enough to do that, turn to page 34.
If you're a total wimp bitch who cries for his/her mommy, close the book.

Things that need to stop: TV edition

Every once in a while, I watch TV. Ahhahaha if you believed that for a second you're a foolio, I watch TV constantly. You could say I'm a TV-head.

TV actually has been in pretty good straits lately, if straits could ever possibly considered to be a good thing to be in, and I think they ought to at least be given a chance. A few of the shows that I watch:

"Mad Men"
"The Mentalist"
"Numbers"
"House"
"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"
"South Park"

I'm sure there are more there but those are all I can name off the top of my head. Oh here's another one:

"Lie to Me"

So yeah, just a few years ago this list would be sparsely populated, but thankfully there's been more attention paid to creating at least semi-interesting TV.

But still a lot of TV, and this is including cable, is straight up garbaggio (as they say in Italy when they're acting stereotypical, insert your own curled moustache here). And I don't mean merely disinteresting. I mean YUCK GROSS EW IT'S GOT COOTIES, like I don't even want to be near it. No, not even with the cootie shot.

Now I know what you're thinking. Yes I do miss you and I'm lifting weights so that when I see you I won't be such a slobbo. Yes I also know that the Red Sox blow and you secretly ackownledge that, can we stay on topic? Yes, you're also thinking, "But my love, if you hate a show so much, then just don't watch it!" A valid point, dearest, but also missing the point... in a way.

The problem with bad TV is that it tends to propogate faster than good TV. For every "Mentalist," there are three "Heroes" or "According to Jim"...s. That's three Jims too many.

How come bad TV propogates so easily? Well the reasons have changed. It used to be that disposable TV was made because, even though it may not rake in ratings, it at least was cheap to produce. Then reality TV came and outdid the lowest of the low.

TV will never be perfect, but there are things that just have to stop. They have to stop. For the safety of our children. Or if you hate kids, for the safety of misanthropes. Now you're speaking my language!

Reality TV

I'm not the kind to beat around the bush, unless it's a bush that grows cookies, then goddamn I will beat that bush until every last crumb has come down. But in this case, I'm getting right to the dark, evil, unpleasantest heart of TV: reality TV.

I don't need to get into the history of reality TV. We all know that story. I also don't need to go over all the myths around reality TV, how it's basically just scripted TV et c. et c. (some people actually do write it like that). That territory is old.

What bothers me the most about reality TV is not its utter hypocrisy. It's just completely banal. I understand that most people are dumbasses, usually of the manchildren variety, but it's baffling to me. Even soap operas have some level of intrigue to them. Reality TV?

Let's take the most egregious example, in my mind. "Dancing with the Stars" is the king (and queen) of shit reality TV (but I repeat myself a hyuck). It has everything I hate: utterly pointless "characters," a lame gimmick, limitless cross-promotional potential and it's a game show. Yes, reality TV has gotten so monstrous that game shows are now considered reality TV. This is HERESY. Even the Huguenots acted with more dignity.

The "competition show" is perhaps the most crass (crassest? let's go with crassest) example of reality TV. And "Dancing" has it in spades. Let's see, we have non-threatening minority female judge, boisterous asshole judge, and the wild card (in this case, a non-sensical flamboyant male). I have no idea who these people are or what their level of expertise is in the fields of dancing or starring. For all I know, the Asian lady could be a sweat shop worker who got lost on the way to a factory in Brooklyn. Okay, so what if she can sew a skirt in under five minutes for half a Jolly Rancher? How am I supposed to trust her? And what happens if I put this skirt in with the whites??? Someone help me?????

Then there's the show's entire premise. Hoo boy, I want to watch D-list celebrities and the occasional wash-up dancing with some lady (or dude) I never heard of. Oh look, they're dancing the basa nova. Actually the professional dancer is doing the basa nova and Mickey Rooney is just standing there swaying rhythmically. That's not Dancing with the STARS, that's Middle School Dancing with the OH HEY I SAW THAT GUY ON MATLOCK ONCEs.

The coup de grace is that people are expected to watch it, and then they're expected to be so vested emotionally into it that they call a number up and vote on who wins and loses. I don't know what part of the brain is accessed when someone tries to weigh the dancing efforts of Natalya Simkovicius/Orrin Hatch vs. Edit Mariposa/Dan Shaughnessy. Well, Orrin's cha-cha was kinda off, but Shanks had a wrong step in his foxtrot. You'd have thought that everyone who possessed that brain section would have died out by now, but noooooo. Thanks a lot Darwin you cocksmurf.

I mean, people understand that it's all fake, right? "Oh but dude, DUDE, they know. But it's like, so what? So 'American Idol' is scripted, but so is 'Law & Order,' you know? Like, c'mon man!"

No, there is a difference. L&O doesn't pretend to be real. It's fully content with operating in its L&O New York and it doesn't need some couch commandos in Ohio telling Detective Richard Belzer who to arrest. No matter how dull the L&O writers may be, they are at least minimally qualified to tell Ice T what ebonics to say.

Dancing has no writers. Okay, it has minimal writers who make up some backstory antics for everyone, probably, but that's about it. Also there's no guarantee that people voting has any effect on it at all (see also: American Idol). So for all that effort people put into it, the joke may still be on them. Well I'm not laughing! :watches video of a cat being woken up: Ahahahahaha, okay now I'm laughing.

CLONING THEM SHOWS

Law & Order. CSI. NCIS. Okay we get it, you have a gimmick and you can't just restrict it to one hour.

Usually these shows are called "spin-offs," but I don't consider shows that are the same exact premise in a different locale and a different but functionally indistinguishable cast as an actual spin-off.

CSI is particularly egregious in this regard. CSI itself is a rather lame concept (hurrrr let's exaggerate the power of forensic science so much that it's absurd), so why do they want to recreate the magic of CSI in... THE EVERGLADES! Oh boy, I wonder if they'll have an episode about alligators and creepy Floridians. How about... THE BIG CITY! Hey let's have an episode about BANKERS. We can't do that in Las Vegas, we need WALL STREET.

Most of the time, these clones are just an excuse for the writers to use different cliches, as I just pointed out. They want Caruso and co. to investigiate urban crimes, but Las Vegas is a barely urban shithole so that won't fly. So just transplant it to New York. Problem solved. Except that once those cliches are exhausted, they just go through the motions until they're mercifully cancelled.

Occasionally these shows will get the clever idea to crossover for a few episodes. Like we're supposed to give a shit that Grissom and Gary Sinise are teaming up FOR TWO EPISODES. They don't actually team up, though. It's complicated. And stupid. Especially stupid.

Usually these shows end up failing once people realize that they liked the show better when it was called "Friends." That was the fate that befell "Joey," but lately, if a show is a hot property, its clones will also survive.

L&O is the only show that sorta does this right, and really that only happened with L&O: CI, when they actually changed up the cast structure so it's just two principals. But even then the show was reduced to having D'Onofrio twist his face menacingly at the prime suspect while recycling the crimes that the other L&Os have gone over. I find this objectionable because L&O: CI is trying to make me hate Vincent D'Onofrio and, you know what, I'm just not gonna do it. You can't make me hate him, L&O. You hear me? You have no power over me. YOU HAVE NONE. I LOVE YOU VINCENT D'ONOFRIO EVEN IF WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER.

If this goes unchecked, we will one day wake up to a world where every show is a clone. 8 p.m.: CSI: Brussels, followed by Survivor: Oakland Coliseum. At least on broadcast. If you don't believe me, keep in mind the following:

1) networks are becoming more desperate due to the economy

2) reality TV is ultra cheap

3) cloning hit shows produces more hit shows

It can happen here, as-- wait, what? McAfee Coliseum? ...... No, why should I call it that? That name sucks. ........ No, see, look, it's still also called McAfee Coliseum. ...... Yeah. ...... No I don't care. Shut up I'm in the middle of something.

Anyway, as Sinclair Lewis said, it can happen here.

Your show is not funny and you should probably stop now before someone gets hurt. Namely you. By my gun.

Oh that reminds me:

"Thirty Rock"

Okay anyway, sitcoms are back with a vengeance. This genre used to be considered in trouble after "Seinfeld," "Friends," "Frasier" and (amazingly) "Mad About You" shuffled off their celluloid coils. Wait, were they filmed on celluloid? Look that up for me.

Yeah, people were actually worried that sitcoms would be horribly reduced, perhaps appearing in not more than two hours per week. Unfortunately, they were rescued. By what I can't remember, but they were rescued from the abyss.

One of the shows that took up the mantle of leading sitcom is "The Office," one of almost a billion imports from Britain (seriously, look up the origin of many American shows and you'll find that they were lifted from Britain).

Speaking of which:

"Life on Mars," though it's over now.

So anyway, the British Office is nothing to write home about. Yea it's very British but it's also very dry. And for something British to be considered too dry, it has to be doing something seriously wrong. Or seriously salty. If you dropped the British Office in the Atlantic ocean, it would suck that bitch up so fast you'd be urbexing Atlantis within a day.

The American Office isn't as dry, but that doesn't save it. Not even close. The Office was one of the first successful sitcoms to not use a laugh track (the other being "Arrested Development," which is actually good).

Reminds me again:

"Real Time with Bill Maher"
"Entourage"
"True Blood"

I guess they have no laugh track because the British Office has no laugh track either. Whatever the reason, it doesn't work. It just makes the show more tense than it should be. The show relies on awkward and embarrassing humor, which is tricky because if you do it too poorly, people just feel nervous and shit and don't feel like laughing.

And that is The Office's biggest problem: It is relentlessly awkward by being relentlessly WACKY and RANDOM. Hoooo boy, the boss is a total fucking retard WHAT CRAZY THING IS HE GONNA DO NEXT? I dunno, but why am I watching a show with a tense atmosphere that has such obviously incompetent and loathsome characters, and yet they are still employed? I can't suspend my disbelief because your comedy is so disjointed I can't tell if you're trying to be funny or not. Your "comedy" is so poorly executed, it kills my humor INSTINCT. IT FUCKS WITH MY VERY BRAIN CHEMISTRY.

Viewers have come to see the laugh track as stupid and pointless because, hey, why should I use some canned laughter to tell me when to laugh? A valid point, but still, most comedies need some kind of laugh track because it helps the pacing. Even better when it's filmed before a live audience. It feels more authentic that way if you think other people are laughing with you. The common complaint for non-laugh track shows is that people don't know if they're supposed to laugh at something. I think there's something to that. Something... sexy.

Fortunately for us, most sitcoms are not strictly taking The Office route (the The Office route?). Many still have laugh tracks and many still have stationery cameras (more on that later), but the type of humor it uses is leaking. Shows like "Big Bang Theory" and......

Oh my fucking God.

Okay... here's the deal. So I was looking for the name of the other example ("Parks and Recreation," incidentally). In doing so, I checked the grid for all the broadcasting networks (minus barren hellholes MyNetworkTV and whatever the fuck owns the former WB). It turns out that there are like only seven sitcoms on TV anymore. I did not notice that they were apparently on the verge of extinction again. I guess that's not notable anymore.

Well folks, I gotta tell ya, since sitcoms are rare these days, I don't think picking on them is fair at all. Well guess what? I still will.

What's remaining of the sitcom shitscape (hur shitcoms GET IT???) isn't very much like The Office, actually. Most of the remnants are of the "Married with Children" variety, except not at all funny. In that case, we're all aware of the low points: nuclear family, everyone is mildly retarded, the mom is sassy, the dad's dumb, the daughter's hot, etc.

So in conclusion, sitcoms are right back where they were in the late 90s, minus the actual powerhouses. I guess I should be happy, but it seems that reality TV has taken up the majority of their slots. So yeah. The nightmare rages on.

KEEP THAT SHIT STILL

Shaky cams are slowly appearing in more TV shows, just as they're appearing in more movies. This needs to stop. No, I don't get nauseous watching it. I just like to, you know, be able to concentrate on what I'm watching. And since I have ADHD (yeah it's real but fuck that I don't need to take pills for it. Alexander Graham BELL had it and he could kick your attention-ful ASS in a spelling bee), it's distracting. I can't focus with you MOVING THE CAMERA AROUND. WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?

The Office strikes again. It and Arrested Development introduced that concept to mainstream acceptibility, one of AD's only sins. Which is actually contracitory but shut up, who's the editor here, you or me? That's right. I don't care how much English you teach THIS IS MY TURF.

So yeah, when you have something that adds nothing to the show (and no, "simulating" a documentary (in the Office's case) isn't a good excuse because the idea that the Office is some kind of documentary is completely ridiculous), and instead is a distraction, it's a BAD THING that should STOP.

Does anyone here know how to write a griddarn STORY???

This is the paramount problem with TV, and I don't need to tell you. But I do.

Moving beyond the frivolous reality shows and the dumbass sitcoms, the dramas remain the bulwark of primetime TV. Although reality shows have almost usurped that role, dramas are holding on for dear life. And they're gonna lose.

I don't know if this has always been the case, but dramas do not rely on their stories anymore. They rely on their concepts. Take a prime offender: "Heroes." Heroes is a show about people with superpowers. END DESCRIPTION.

You might be confused by this, but don't be. Heroes is all flash, no substance, like a sparkler. Sure, you can eat it, and it's kinda exciting at first, but then you realize that you wasted your time eating a sparkler when you could have eaten something cooler like a Roman candle.

Heroes has its concept and then does nothing with it. And then it does some more nothing with it. And then it does even more nothing with it. The show's excuse for plot developments is exactly like the flailing of a dying chimpanzee (and believe me, the show IS dying in every way a show can die. See: Knight Rider's remake). I don't know what the writers are thinking, but they are content with going nowhere with it. Fortunately, in a hopeful gesture, the show's fans are abandoning it in droves and it will die due to a lack of interest. Just like my pet nightshade bush. :sniff: I miss you Nighty Night.

A more pervasive problem is that dramas, which are supposed to be like, you know, dramatic, have ludicrous plotlines that suck all the non-humor out of the room and replaces it with something that is not humorous (like the Pope. Come on, Benny, get some new material!!). Heroes has the same problem, as do "24," "Chuck" and "Grey's Anatomy."

What these shows attempt to do is akin to making a movie about a Nazi concentration camp (that is, a concentration camp made by Nazis), and then making the plot about Barney leading a Soviet commando raid to liberate it. Yes, Barney the purple dinosaur, but you can also use Barney Rubble if you prefer. The effect is the same.

Now imagine someone pitching that as a serious movie. It can't be done. I can't take the idea of Barney liberating a Nazi death camp because Barney is also a Nazi and he would never collaborate with the Bolsheviks. Also the image might look just plain silly.

24 has basically become this. The show is so clueless as to how stupid it sounds that I suspect that it might be trying to be absurd on purpose. The previous season dealt with the White House being infiltrated via an underwater tunnel. And that wasn't even the most absurd aspect. The show is chock-full of "serious" situations that, if we were to hear about, we would not believe. Because they would never happen, which is kinda foolish since a lot of really bizarre shit happens in real life but nobody ever draws inspiration from those things.

Desperate Housewives also tries to shoehorn REALLY SERIOUS SHIT in the middle of hijinks. I know there is a term for this, the "Dramedy," but it doesn't work. It does. Not. WERK. Dramedies are just handwavery bullshit used by writers to justify inserting stupid crap into their shows because they constantly write themselves into corners and need something silly to bail themselves out. Drama + comedy rarely work, and if you're gonna include them, you need much more of the former to counteract the latter. Writers don't seem to get this, though, which I believe is because they are actually robots that lack souls and functioning humor chips. Fuckin' Intel they can never get that shit right.

I don't know if the dramedy will become the blueprint for dramas. I don't think it will, but stupider things have happened on TV. But right now, dramas are flailing because writers have no capacity to imagine their shit actually playing out in real life, and in doing so, realizing that what they write is stupid. In some cases it works anyway ("Chuck," though just barely, "Grey's" and "24" seem to be surviving for now), but many shows push the bullshit too much and collapse under their own hubris.

And while it's good that bad shows are not getting away with as much as they used to, the fact is that if most shows drop dead, they will be replaced by expendable reality TV trash. And that is the worst of all worlds.

Perhaps one day I will do detailed dissections of TV shows and their myriad failures, but not today. I've bored you long enough.

Dream a little dream of Mii

Dreams are fun. They just are!! And I have a shitload of them. No, not "I have a dream" type dreams, I mean actual nocturnal em-- er, images.

I don't know about y'all, but my dreams tend to have recurring themes. I guess everyone does because our breadth of experience isn't THAT large. But whatever, I'm no psychologist (I just get paid to be one).

I have a ton of recurring themes, but only three I'm willing to talk about in such an open forum. So let's get right to the good stuff!

1. Doom


Ah yes, an old favorite. Don't worry, kids, this isn't as scary as it looks.

Doom of course is the penultimate FPS, the game that introduced the world into the concept of atmosphere. And to a 10-year-old, having these two bastards pop out at you is as horrifying as it gets. My life has been one of privilege and ease.

I've been over what makes Doom rockin' before so let's not go back there. Instead, let's describe the typical Doom dream I have.

Actually, there is no typical Doom dream. Usually the Doom dream kicks in during another kind of dream. For instance, I'll be dreaming of walking through some mansion when BOOM, Mancubi pop out and I'm holding a shotgun and I'm running for my life because shotguns aren't that useful against Mancubi.

While the circumstances leading to a Doom dream change, what remains consistent is that when I'm in one, I'm knee deep in one. You could say I'm Knee Deep in the Dead (but that's for pussies. ULTRAVIOLENCE AT MINIMUM OR GET OUT). It's fairly easy to come up with an obnoxiously hard Doom map, of course, so it's not a problem for my brain to drop me in the midst of a clusterfuck of nightmarish proportions.

We're talking at least four Cyberdemons, a ton of Imps (my subconscious can't get enough of em), a healthy dose of Barons and Knights, and usually a good amount of Cacodemons. If it's a particularly bad dream, Pain Elementals will show up. You do NOT want to go up against those guys under any circumstances.

So what happens in these dreams? Well, if you've played a Doom map then you'll know. Run around, try not to die, grab ammo, shoot, run s'more and hope to god there's an exit. There usually isn't but that's okay. If you don't enjoy playing Doom then these dreams will either horrify you or bore you. They're an acquired taste!!

If this sounds intense, trust me, it's not. 1) I'm great at Doom and 2) I have a backup in case I'm boned: IDDQD. IDDQD is the "degreelessness" code. I don't know how degreeling oneself makes you invulnerable, but there it is. Just punch that shit in and you can't be touched. Well, you can be touched, but it won't be the bad touch. No, not like how Mr. Bellamy used to do it. No, it's a nice touch. Ahhhhh, so soft. Ahhhhh...

Where was I? Oh yeah. I don't know where exactly it comes from (I think it's my sense of self-preservation), but if the shit hits the fan, I (somehow) type in IDDQD and all is well. Actually by that point, the dream peters out because really, once you're invincible, there's not much more you can do. I guess IDDQD really is the coward's way out but fuck you I'm not going against that Cyberdemon with just a chainsaw.

2. TIE Fighter

TIE Fighter is another oldy but goody. And yes, it's a video game. Sue me. No really, sue me. SUE ME. OH WHAT'S THAT? NO LAWYER? THEN SHUT UP AND READ.

This of course is the pinnacle of LucasArts' space-flight-simulator series set in the Star Wars universe. An improvement over X-Wing, TIE Fighter taught us all how to pilot non-shielded spacecraft in service of an oppressive imperial state, the perfect training for the US Air Force.

:waits for laughter to subside:

So anyway, the TIE Fighter dream pops up much like how the Doom dream does, though TIE Fighters seem to come more out of left field than Doom. For instance, last night's dream featured me attempting to fill out a baseball lineup card in a classroom (my radio alarm went off and was tuned to 1050) when, whoops, I'm piloting a TIE Interceptor and I've got to shoot shit down.

It was actually a fairly mundane one this time. I had to shoot down a Dreadnought that was chasing a friendly spacecraft. I shot it down with a bunch of concussion missiles which is NOT supposed to happen but whatever. Then an enemy Modified Corvette showed up and I said FUCK IT and quit the mission.

I didn't actually say FUCK IT because that would be against regulations. But I thought it really loudly.

Usually though these dreams are more interesting. Balls-to-the-wall missions of derring do, trying to shoot down starships that are itching to blow you out the space sky, piloting ships that are capable of dishing out damage and not SHITTY GODDAMN T/Is. There's typically no rhyme or reason to these dreams, either. I'm just thrown out there in the middle of a space battle. There are good guys (usually in purple??) and bad guys and I'm just firing away trying not to get blown up.

As far as I know, I have never been shot down. Not that you would ever, ever have to think that that would happen.

3. L'Empereur

"Oh boy," you're thinking. "Another video game theme." Yes, another video game dream. I told you I have plenty of recurring themes but these are the only ones I'm going over now. Okay? Okay. So sit down. And put away that gum. Yes take it out of your mouth. Stop chewing. Oh okay people did you see that? Right under the seat. This is what I deal with every time I write one of these.

Anyway, you might recognize this screenshot. Well no, it's from a rather obscure video game so you probably never saw it before, but THIS is Europe circa 1796 according to KOEI. Ah yes, a game about post-revolutionary, Napoleonic France. A strategy game. The goal being to conquer everyone (and I did).

Now you might be thinking that this is a bit too abstract to actually be a dream. This is a pretty bare-bones strategy game, not that graphical, etc. Well you're wrong. You're just wrong. It's unbelievable how wrong you are. Yes, I can dream of literally guiding a strategy game.

Of course, I don't strictly dream about L'Empereur in particular. It's like this: instead of dreaming that I'm Napoleon in 17whenever, I dream that I'm Napoleon playing in some kind of bizarro alternate universe land where I have to conquer Europe except it's not Europe at all, it's some kind of custom-made mystery continent and all the countries are sorta where they are supposed to be BUT NOT QUITE. That's as good as I can describe it without resorting to Paint and you do NOT want me to do that.

Even I am taken aback by how abstract they are. I can barely describe them because, really, you had to be there. You had to be there when I dreamed that I, as Napoleon, invaded psuedo-Austria and got cut off from the rest of France for some reason, so I had to fight in psuedo-Vienna against psuedo-Duke Charles and I psuedo-won and I actually psuedo-killed psuedo-him on the psuedo-battlefield. Su-su-sudio (da da daaa daaaaaaaa daaa da da).

It rocked. And they sometimes happen when you least expect it. And once again, I don't recall a time where I've outright been defeated, but I have had some trouble with these dreams because usually I run into some country (usually psuedo-Spain) that won't be defeated so easily and it gets really messy. You had to be there.

4. Fences



Wooden fences to be precise, like this one here. No, the one behind the shrub. What? I dunno, I guess whoever owns the shrub owns the fence. Yes, and the sidewalk too.

Now I know what you're thinking. "At last, he dreams of something erotic that I can relate to, but it's a goddamn fence??? What's with you, my love?"

First I say, stop complaining. Second, I don't dream of wooden fences per se. I mean, yeah, they are in dreams, but... wait I'm explaining this the wrong way.

The real recurring theme is not the fences themselves, it's jumping over the fences. As in, I'm running away from something. Yes, there are some dreams that I have that are not that cool, and when I can't beat my dream nemesis, I turn tail and RUN FOR THE BORDER!!!! Haha, no I really don't because I hate Taco Bell. But yeah, I'm runnin'.

This is perhaps the oldest recurring dream that I can fathom. Well, there might just be one that's even older but I won't divulge it. You can ask about it though! I don't know what first sparked it but it has been with me since at least November 7, 1989. Yes I marked the calendar. Also on that day I made it past World 6-1 in SMB3. It was a very good day.

The setting for these dreams is usually consistent. That's not actually redundant so shut up. Most commonly, I'm in my house, shit goes down, gotta bail. I get out of the house, but the dude (or dudette, if you want it that way) is still after me. So I gotta run. If I don't run out into the street, I hop the fence in my back yard. The red wooden one. I hop into my neighbor's yard, but I want to get as far away from my house as possible, so I hope the next fence. Then I hope the next fence. And so on and so on. At some point I will reach the final fence and hit the street, but it varies.

You can see some pretty obvious psychological themes here. Blah blah, I'm trying to flee from something in life, and I am picturing myself leaping over obstacles only to find another obstacle in my way. Also I feel anxious about using other people's stuff to escape from my fears. Yes we've been over this.

These dreams usually have a sense of bummer over them, but I like them. They're exciting. Sometimes I hope over a fence only to find myself in front of a ladder, which I climb all the way up. At the top is a highwire that I have to precariously walk over (I don't, I get down and clutch that fucker and shimmy across. I'm not crazy!!). And okay that only happened once, but it was a neat change.

I thinlk it's okay to be scared in dreams because it's like being scared of a movie. Unless it's a really well done scary movie, the fright leaves you after a while and then it's more like fun than anything else. So I don't mind being chased over fences.

Well that's the end of these particular themes. Of course there are more but that is a need to know conversation and you do not need to know. So ta!

No, I don't want that!

My eyes are hurting and it's late, so let's keep this quick fellas.

Things that piss me off, in no particular order:

(Well that's not true, it is in the order that it pops into my mind. MY MINDDDDDD.)

The word "scores". No, not like Long Island's most erotic adult club. Like "many," as in, "scores killed today by explosive diarrhea." Al-Jazeera loves to use this. Actually it seems to be that most foreign press like to use it.

Why is it annoying? Because it appears EVERYWHERE. Very rarely do they substitute it with "dozens." Nope, it's usually "scores killed," "scores angry," "scores voting," scores bleaching," "scores scoring," etc.

I think the real problem is that if you keep saying it over and over, it just sounds weird. Try it. Scores. Scores. Scores. Scores scores scores SCORES SCORES.

Okay, now try this next:

Say nispe over and over again. Nispe. Nispe. Nispe nispe nispe nispe NISPE NISPE.

Brett Favre. Yeah yeah, he's annoying, you've probably heard it all now. Well tough, he's still annoying.

"But, why is it annoying for a guy to come out of retirement?" Because he's a drama queen. Whua whua whua my body can't handle training camp. Lemme play coy for two months. Tee hee now I'm back! Hey, go die.

Writer's block. We all get it. Well, people who don't write don't get it, I suppose. But everyone else does. I wonder what it's like for people who rarely write, and they get the idea to write a novel, and they just get stuck.

Usually the reason why I can't write amounts to "I'm tiyerrddd." Yeah whatever. I rarely reach the point where I find myself unable to figure out what to write next (that's what rewinding is for). For instance, I was supposed to finish my next short story tonight. I've got about like six paragraphs left. Piece of cake, eh? No. It'll be done tomorrow I SWEAR.

Mike Tirico. The most milquetoast announcer in sportsdom. Yes, he makes the Gumbels look Charles Manson. If there were two Charles Mansons. Okay, Bryant is Charles and Greg is Marilyn.

Can you tell I'm watching ESPN? You got a prize if you guessed! The prize is me blowing in your ear. WAKE UP.

Movie trailers. I don't have a problem with them per se, I just hate how they're put together. Mainly I'm talking about the typical quick jumpcut montage that shows the ACTION!!! of the film.

I just don't understand what the angle is here. Yes, you can sorta perceive what's in the cuts, but to me all it amounts to is a blur of images. And sometimes they include things that make no sense, like a character TURNING AROUND DRAMATICALLY. Who even puts these things together anyway? What's the instructions? "Hey Clark, could you please just throw together random clips from the movie? And use that music that's like 'Woooooooooaoaaaawwwwhhhhhhh ching.' Yeah, like that. Okay I need that by 9:30. Yeah I know it's 9:25. So what just take anything!!! Also don't piss in my coffee this time."

I imagine that's the worst job in the world. A man should be able to piss in his boss' coffee if he wants to.

The other thing that annoys me about trailers is their tendency to cut together scenes that don't happen in the movie. For instance:

CHARACTER A
Oh boy, I hope nothing dangerous happens!

SOMETHING DANGEROUS HAPPENS

CHARACTER B
Oh wow, that was funny!!!!

I know that's a shitty example, but it perfectly illustrates my case. Why do they even bother with this?

I guess maybe I'm against trailers after all. Hmmmm. I must ponder this.

Speaking of trailers, I find x-minute movie previews to also be distasteful. This is easier to manage though because I can just not watch them. But it still irritates me that the studio thinks that showing the first 15 minutes of a movie is a good idea. It's not a good idea. You should go into a movie a movie virgin. Your ass must be pristine for that movie so that you can feel the full impact. Also the church frowns upon this kind of behavior. Sorry, babe, but we will have to wait.

WINGS. No, not the band. And not the bird appendage. Wait, actually, yes, the bird appendage. But only in a certain sense. This is gonna sound weird but stay with me.

I like wings (as in chicken wings covered in sauce and shit) because it's a fun food. I dislike the expectation that I'm supposed to just scarf these bastards down and get sauce all over my face and fingers and crap. No. I'm like the underwear inspector in "Pete & Pete," I just can't handle that. And it's not because I'm not a sloppy eater, but it's because the sauce does not come off that easy and it kinda burns and I don't like it when my face burns!!

Well folks that wraps it up for this edition of "Shit I Hate." I hope you enjoyed it. We'll come back with better programming next time. Until then, uh...

Immortality is the greatest thing ever. It's also highly overrated.

It would seem that my moms is reading the "Twilight" series of books by Stephanie "BRIGHAM YOUNG" Meyer. Oh lord.

There's a shitload of things wrong with "Twilight," such as the utter banality of the story to the size 40 font size to the despicable (despicable) writing style to the misogyny to the utter failure of conception that it is. But this post, like Barack Obama, is not about that. The books are bad though seriously if you take nothing else away from this, believe me that the books are bad. They're bad. THEY RAPED MY FATHER.

Anyway, I think the most repulsing thing about the books is that the protagonist (no, not Bella, the other one) is an immortal vampire who has the appearance of roughly an 18-year old post-emo shitstain. Yes of course it's a cliche, but what galls me the most is that this little wanker is immortal, incapable of dropping dead like so many NBC pilots, and yet he literally fucks around in HIGH SCHOOL. I mean, he LITERALLY does it. IN THE LITERAL SENSE. And if it's one thing I hate more than immortal vampire cliches, it's people misusing "literal."

This is how wonderfully bereft of imagination Meyer is. Here you have someone who has lived like a century, and okay yes he looks like a chump kid, but all he's interested in is banging high schoolers and flunking chemistry?

I think it's telling when anyone writes a story about immortals. In this case, we have Meyer, able to grant this enormous gift to anyone she wants, and what does she do with it? She gives it to a prick and his prick family and they squander it. They squander it by being stuck as perpetual adolescents. And while it's true that most adults really don't get past adoloscense, it's also true that they're all boring punks and are the cause of most of the world's problems and I object to being asked to sympathize with them.

In Bella Whateverthefuck (and in a lesser sense, Eddie "Not as good as Matt" Cullen), Meyer imagines herself as being a mincing vampiress living forever (or as they say in "The Sandlot," FOR-EH-VUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH) with her shitty boring boyfriend. Well I don't care how stupid you are, you're going to get bored with someone if their idea of a good time is perpetually attending study hall.

Because I mean look, can we be real for a second? Can we B Real? Cullen is a fucking VAMPIRE. He doesn't have to pretend to be a kid for the rest of his loathsome imaginary existence. I mean, for God's sake ANNE FUCKING RICE does more interesting things with her gay vampires!! But he does it anyway. And his family pretends to be boring ol' middle class chumps living in fucking Washington state. I don't get it. And I'm not supposed to get it because I'm not a middle-aged housewife who's grown bored of Fabio. But it still alarms me nonetheless.

There have been countless stories told about immortality and how great/ungreat it is. Everyone usually concludes that immortality is in fact balls, being fun for a little bit before shit takes over. I'm not so sure that I agree with that assessment, but then again, I am not immortal myself so I am biased.

I think the quintessential depiction of immortality in popular media comes in "Vampire Hunter D," portrayed quite plainly by Count Lee, the unmincing vampiric villain. Lee flat-out states that being a vampire sucks cock because it means he can't die, and that means he's bored all the time. "Perpetual boredom," he says in the dub (in Japanese he says something like "Higeyoshi tsune maka baka wa! NANI??? SUPERU-GATCHAMAN POWER UP! FIGHT FOR LOVE!!").

Well yeah, if you're an old yet powerful vampire and you have nothing to do, then yeah, you're going to get bored. Lee tries to spice things up by banging sluts but in the end it's pretty clear that he's desperate and it's sad. Then D kills him and it fucking ROCKS. Good movie go see it.

There's not a lot of nuance to the depiction, but when we're talking about shit as grand as immortality, I don't think nuance becomes a factor. At least not for long. I mean sure, after the first 100 years, being unable to die sounds great. You get to travel the world, watch the world change, see all sorts of interesting people and so on. But then we inevitably see two problems spring up: 1) a lack of permanence and 2) super boredom.

The first point usually gets brought up when people try to wrestle with immortality in fiction. Vampire stories tend to do so because the poor widdle vampire can't marry his cute human bride because eventually she gets old and then dies but meanwhile he stays studly and unchanging and Gary Oldmanish. And then he gets all sad because she's dead and he can't die and now he's allllll alone!

This may not be a problem for our adolescent types, though. Because adoloscents are unable to see clearly beyond a few days what their long-term goals are, they think that whomever they've hooked up with at the moment is their ONE TRU ROVE and then oops they get bored and there's that. Onto the next one! So if your old broad dies, well, really what adolescent immortal is even going to hang around when the first wrinkles come? Immortals don't have the luxury of loving people for who they are because there are so many damn people that it's pointless. Why get attached when you'll have centuries of hotties to work with? Deep down, adolescents know this is true but they delude themselves because the delusion is nicer. But despite their hypothetical longevity, relationships like that end.

Unless they can loophole it by making their current crush immortal, just like them, as what happens in "Twilight." Oh sorry did I spoil it for you? You're welcome.

Yes that's the solution Bella and Edvard (Slavic spelling) come up with. Bella becomes a vamp bitch and after some stupid nonsense with some other vampires, they live happily ever after. They do so because Ms. Meyer is not an adult and thinks there is such thing as "ever after." It doesn't occur to her that, in all likelihood, if Eduardo (Chinese spelling) didn't get bored with Bella (shitty name spelling) when she caught her first whiff of menopause, he would after realizing that she's an insufferable bitch and, as an immortal, he is under no obligation to put up with her shit forever. And there would go that.

So what's the deal then? Is immortality all it's crack-cocaine'd up to be? I don't really know. When I was growing up, I wanted to be a baseball player, and then a cop. I also wanted to live forever because the world was just so damn fascinating and technology was becoming cooler and shit seemed to be progressing. But now I'm not so sure. I mean, let's just stick with the practical. What if I accidentally kill someone and then I get sent to jail for life. I mean sure after 400 years someone would notice that I'm still serving the sentence, but that would really be a stupid predicament to find myself in. What if I fell into the Grand Canyon? What if I fell off a boat in the middle of the Pacific? What if I accidentally was jettisoned into space? What if a natural disaster or nuclear war wipes out everyone? Not so fun now, is it? Well, as long as I have a Gameboy and Kirby's Pinball, yes it is you fucking loser KIRBY'S PINBALL IS THE SHIT.

"The Twilight Zone" was keenly aware of this reality and made a few jabs at how living perpetually is a risky move at best, and kinda pointless at worst.

There's also of course the argument that, well, humans are supposed to die. Circle of life and all that. Your job, as a gazelle, is to get eaten by Mufasa because you are the jungle equivalent of a serf. Not even a serf. You're literally cattle to be eaten by the lions and Disney perpetuates feudalism. YOU FUCKING BASTARDS. But yeah, nobody is supposed to live forever. It's unnatural, and unnatural is scary because we can't imagine what else there's supposed to be. And yes, that is a completely ironic view to hold.

If you have someone who can't die, what then, ultimately, is he or she (let's be real though, only men can be immortals. Sorry girls, but I am a fucking sexist DEAL WITH IT) supposed to do with their time? Do they stand out and have people notice that they never age? Or do they sit perpetually in the background, being drifters and observers, unable to alter the world around them because they know that the world they live in is one constant temporary state of being after another, and that true permanence is illusory when it comes to human affairs?

I mean, don't give me those two classic immortality subsitituion bullshit canards. You know them well. "Ohhh, but what if you do something so great you're remembered throughout history? That's like being immortal!"

Well no, it's not at all like being immortal. It just isn't. I mean, look at Lincoln. He's pretty much "immortal" in the imagination of Americans. They can see him, they imagine how he talks, and they have a basic template of his personality that they feel like they know him. So does that mean he's alive, in the heart of every man and woman, in the smile of every baby, in the wings of every majestic bird? No you stupid twat. He's dead. He told me so when I called him the other day! Actually he was more like "OH MY GOD WHERE THE FUCK AM I? IT'S DARK! I CAN'T MOVE! HOLY FUCK WHO IS THIS CALLING ME RIGHT NOW? NO I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW I'M IN THIS THING! YEAH IT'S LIKE A BOX. WHAT? NO, I DIDN'T GET THE EGGS I'M SORRY I FORGOT. WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD'VE PUT IT ON THE LIST. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANTED TO ASK ME? JUST WRITE IT ON THE FUCKING LIST. WHAT DO YOU THINK IT'S THERE FOR? NO LOOK HONEY, SORRY, I GOTTA GET OUT OF THIS THING I'M IN OKAY? YES. OKAY. I'LL TELL HER. LOVE YOU TOO. BYE."

But yeah, Lincoln is dead and he ain't coming back. He no longer exists except in Heaven, and even there he's not that big a deal. His body has turned most likely to dirt or perhaps even mud, and he is a part of the ecosystem. And no that's not like being immortal either. If you could somehow retain your consciousness while going through the digestive tract of a non-large worm, then we could argue if he was still alive. But you can't. And believe me I tried. It sucked. But it was a worthwhile learning experience.

So no, that's not at all like being immortal except in the most abstract of senses. And humans do not exist in abstract terms unless you're some kind of bored god observing the universe and going "heh" from time to time.

What about the other way? "Oh, well if you have a family, you live on through your family!" No. No you don't. It's real easy folks, you cease to matter to your family after a few generations. I don't know who my great-great grandparents are. I just don't. They have no bearing on me. I mean sure, I guess in some way I vaguely resemble them visually, but that's where it ends. I don't even know their names!! And how far forward is this immortality supposed to go? Do you think my proto-ancestors back in 200 B.C. were going, "Well I hope our greatx31 grandkid Adam turns out to be handsome and awesome and great and shit, and I hope he lands a bangin' Massachusetts bitch and they have lots of kids and then he retires as a world-class jetskiing champ and she becomes a famous writer and they have such pretentious conversations. I really hope that's what happens with him." No, they didn't say that at all.

Hell, they didn't even speak english, first of all, and second of all they were probably serfs in Latium. Wait, they weren't even all in Latium. Some probabaly came from Latium. (That's in Italy by the way if you don't know shit.) Some were probably in north Africa. Some were probably in Turkey. Some were probably Mongols, Chinese, Harrapans, Israelites. Some were probably Jews, Christians, pagans, Zoroastrians and Mormons who time-traveled back to the past to fuck their ancestors because Mormons are really really weird like that. And if you want to be even more fucking outlandish about it, some were probably apes, amphibians, fish, avians, trichordates (I know I have some trichordate blood in me I KNOW IT. IF YOU AIN'T A TRI YOU AIN'T FLY), eukaryotes, etc.

There is no permanence there. It's all changing. And when things change enough, they cease to be what they were. My Sicilian ancestors don't resemble me today. They just don't. They were shorter and spoke a different language and had different expectations out of life and had different understandings about how the universe was. They haven't passed anything onto me but greasy hair, dark skin and a desire to ravish every Roman bitch who comes my way. And do I!

And that's absolutely okay. I'm not really concerned what my space-descendants are going to be like outside of a general desire that their world is a more just and less shitty place than it is today. I can't bring myself to care about my great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson Adam IX Space Poseidon and his wife, a robot named INDUSTRIAL MODEL 62-A. Actually wait, that's fucking gross. No kid of mine is gonna be a robofag. NO ROBAGS!!!! :votes Space Republican:

I think my carenocity (a measure of care) will only reach to my great-great grandkids. I think that's about as much as I can muster. I don't even know if I'll even see them but I'm sure they won't be that annoying. At least they better not, or you better fucking believe I'm not gonna give them any vintage coins for their first birthday.

But yeah, that's not immortality in the slightest. That's just people trying to come to terms with their own lack of permanance, and they're trying to punt it by saying they don't have to DEAL. WITH. IT. because it's not really a problem because hey, live on through kids! But that unleashes all sorts of other unhealthy bullshit that's not worth going into at this point.

So there's nothing else to talk about re: this subject anymore. In conclusion, I will say that extending lifespans is ultimately pointless. Who wants to be an old dude for 30 more years? WHO???? No, the only thing that can REALLY usher in immortality is the Singularity. I don't really know how exactly that'll work but it's supposed to be awesome. Imagine being a computer playing Kirby's Pinball, forever... my god, so this is what Heaven is like..............

DE END.