Dream a little dream of Mii

Dreams are fun. They just are!! And I have a shitload of them. No, not "I have a dream" type dreams, I mean actual nocturnal em-- er, images.

I don't know about y'all, but my dreams tend to have recurring themes. I guess everyone does because our breadth of experience isn't THAT large. But whatever, I'm no psychologist (I just get paid to be one).

I have a ton of recurring themes, but only three I'm willing to talk about in such an open forum. So let's get right to the good stuff!

1. Doom


Ah yes, an old favorite. Don't worry, kids, this isn't as scary as it looks.

Doom of course is the penultimate FPS, the game that introduced the world into the concept of atmosphere. And to a 10-year-old, having these two bastards pop out at you is as horrifying as it gets. My life has been one of privilege and ease.

I've been over what makes Doom rockin' before so let's not go back there. Instead, let's describe the typical Doom dream I have.

Actually, there is no typical Doom dream. Usually the Doom dream kicks in during another kind of dream. For instance, I'll be dreaming of walking through some mansion when BOOM, Mancubi pop out and I'm holding a shotgun and I'm running for my life because shotguns aren't that useful against Mancubi.

While the circumstances leading to a Doom dream change, what remains consistent is that when I'm in one, I'm knee deep in one. You could say I'm Knee Deep in the Dead (but that's for pussies. ULTRAVIOLENCE AT MINIMUM OR GET OUT). It's fairly easy to come up with an obnoxiously hard Doom map, of course, so it's not a problem for my brain to drop me in the midst of a clusterfuck of nightmarish proportions.

We're talking at least four Cyberdemons, a ton of Imps (my subconscious can't get enough of em), a healthy dose of Barons and Knights, and usually a good amount of Cacodemons. If it's a particularly bad dream, Pain Elementals will show up. You do NOT want to go up against those guys under any circumstances.

So what happens in these dreams? Well, if you've played a Doom map then you'll know. Run around, try not to die, grab ammo, shoot, run s'more and hope to god there's an exit. There usually isn't but that's okay. If you don't enjoy playing Doom then these dreams will either horrify you or bore you. They're an acquired taste!!

If this sounds intense, trust me, it's not. 1) I'm great at Doom and 2) I have a backup in case I'm boned: IDDQD. IDDQD is the "degreelessness" code. I don't know how degreeling oneself makes you invulnerable, but there it is. Just punch that shit in and you can't be touched. Well, you can be touched, but it won't be the bad touch. No, not like how Mr. Bellamy used to do it. No, it's a nice touch. Ahhhhh, so soft. Ahhhhh...

Where was I? Oh yeah. I don't know where exactly it comes from (I think it's my sense of self-preservation), but if the shit hits the fan, I (somehow) type in IDDQD and all is well. Actually by that point, the dream peters out because really, once you're invincible, there's not much more you can do. I guess IDDQD really is the coward's way out but fuck you I'm not going against that Cyberdemon with just a chainsaw.

2. TIE Fighter

TIE Fighter is another oldy but goody. And yes, it's a video game. Sue me. No really, sue me. SUE ME. OH WHAT'S THAT? NO LAWYER? THEN SHUT UP AND READ.

This of course is the pinnacle of LucasArts' space-flight-simulator series set in the Star Wars universe. An improvement over X-Wing, TIE Fighter taught us all how to pilot non-shielded spacecraft in service of an oppressive imperial state, the perfect training for the US Air Force.

:waits for laughter to subside:

So anyway, the TIE Fighter dream pops up much like how the Doom dream does, though TIE Fighters seem to come more out of left field than Doom. For instance, last night's dream featured me attempting to fill out a baseball lineup card in a classroom (my radio alarm went off and was tuned to 1050) when, whoops, I'm piloting a TIE Interceptor and I've got to shoot shit down.

It was actually a fairly mundane one this time. I had to shoot down a Dreadnought that was chasing a friendly spacecraft. I shot it down with a bunch of concussion missiles which is NOT supposed to happen but whatever. Then an enemy Modified Corvette showed up and I said FUCK IT and quit the mission.

I didn't actually say FUCK IT because that would be against regulations. But I thought it really loudly.

Usually though these dreams are more interesting. Balls-to-the-wall missions of derring do, trying to shoot down starships that are itching to blow you out the space sky, piloting ships that are capable of dishing out damage and not SHITTY GODDAMN T/Is. There's typically no rhyme or reason to these dreams, either. I'm just thrown out there in the middle of a space battle. There are good guys (usually in purple??) and bad guys and I'm just firing away trying not to get blown up.

As far as I know, I have never been shot down. Not that you would ever, ever have to think that that would happen.

3. L'Empereur

"Oh boy," you're thinking. "Another video game theme." Yes, another video game dream. I told you I have plenty of recurring themes but these are the only ones I'm going over now. Okay? Okay. So sit down. And put away that gum. Yes take it out of your mouth. Stop chewing. Oh okay people did you see that? Right under the seat. This is what I deal with every time I write one of these.

Anyway, you might recognize this screenshot. Well no, it's from a rather obscure video game so you probably never saw it before, but THIS is Europe circa 1796 according to KOEI. Ah yes, a game about post-revolutionary, Napoleonic France. A strategy game. The goal being to conquer everyone (and I did).

Now you might be thinking that this is a bit too abstract to actually be a dream. This is a pretty bare-bones strategy game, not that graphical, etc. Well you're wrong. You're just wrong. It's unbelievable how wrong you are. Yes, I can dream of literally guiding a strategy game.

Of course, I don't strictly dream about L'Empereur in particular. It's like this: instead of dreaming that I'm Napoleon in 17whenever, I dream that I'm Napoleon playing in some kind of bizarro alternate universe land where I have to conquer Europe except it's not Europe at all, it's some kind of custom-made mystery continent and all the countries are sorta where they are supposed to be BUT NOT QUITE. That's as good as I can describe it without resorting to Paint and you do NOT want me to do that.

Even I am taken aback by how abstract they are. I can barely describe them because, really, you had to be there. You had to be there when I dreamed that I, as Napoleon, invaded psuedo-Austria and got cut off from the rest of France for some reason, so I had to fight in psuedo-Vienna against psuedo-Duke Charles and I psuedo-won and I actually psuedo-killed psuedo-him on the psuedo-battlefield. Su-su-sudio (da da daaa daaaaaaaa daaa da da).

It rocked. And they sometimes happen when you least expect it. And once again, I don't recall a time where I've outright been defeated, but I have had some trouble with these dreams because usually I run into some country (usually psuedo-Spain) that won't be defeated so easily and it gets really messy. You had to be there.

4. Fences



Wooden fences to be precise, like this one here. No, the one behind the shrub. What? I dunno, I guess whoever owns the shrub owns the fence. Yes, and the sidewalk too.

Now I know what you're thinking. "At last, he dreams of something erotic that I can relate to, but it's a goddamn fence??? What's with you, my love?"

First I say, stop complaining. Second, I don't dream of wooden fences per se. I mean, yeah, they are in dreams, but... wait I'm explaining this the wrong way.

The real recurring theme is not the fences themselves, it's jumping over the fences. As in, I'm running away from something. Yes, there are some dreams that I have that are not that cool, and when I can't beat my dream nemesis, I turn tail and RUN FOR THE BORDER!!!! Haha, no I really don't because I hate Taco Bell. But yeah, I'm runnin'.

This is perhaps the oldest recurring dream that I can fathom. Well, there might just be one that's even older but I won't divulge it. You can ask about it though! I don't know what first sparked it but it has been with me since at least November 7, 1989. Yes I marked the calendar. Also on that day I made it past World 6-1 in SMB3. It was a very good day.

The setting for these dreams is usually consistent. That's not actually redundant so shut up. Most commonly, I'm in my house, shit goes down, gotta bail. I get out of the house, but the dude (or dudette, if you want it that way) is still after me. So I gotta run. If I don't run out into the street, I hop the fence in my back yard. The red wooden one. I hop into my neighbor's yard, but I want to get as far away from my house as possible, so I hope the next fence. Then I hope the next fence. And so on and so on. At some point I will reach the final fence and hit the street, but it varies.

You can see some pretty obvious psychological themes here. Blah blah, I'm trying to flee from something in life, and I am picturing myself leaping over obstacles only to find another obstacle in my way. Also I feel anxious about using other people's stuff to escape from my fears. Yes we've been over this.

These dreams usually have a sense of bummer over them, but I like them. They're exciting. Sometimes I hope over a fence only to find myself in front of a ladder, which I climb all the way up. At the top is a highwire that I have to precariously walk over (I don't, I get down and clutch that fucker and shimmy across. I'm not crazy!!). And okay that only happened once, but it was a neat change.

I thinlk it's okay to be scared in dreams because it's like being scared of a movie. Unless it's a really well done scary movie, the fright leaves you after a while and then it's more like fun than anything else. So I don't mind being chased over fences.

Well that's the end of these particular themes. Of course there are more but that is a need to know conversation and you do not need to know. So ta!