Anyway, finishing that sentence off, as someone who can identify songs by hearing a few notes, I take pride in being able to identify a song I'm either going to like, really like, not care about, or despise like it killed my father. YOU FUCKER, I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU, "LIKE A VIRGIN."
But sometimes, there's the song I'm down with at first, but as time goes on, something goes terribly wrong. Terribly, awfully, no good very badly wrong. I've done some studying of the issue and I'm ready to release a final report. And to help me with this (and in an effort to get myself associated with him so as to better win the heart of a certain Boston bum), I've asked celebrity chef JUDE LAW to illustrate! Everyone, give him a round of applause, he really needs it! Jude!
"Hello everyone. Can I be fed now, sir?"
No Jude, I told you, you have to both START and END each sentence with "sir." Come on now.
Without further ado, let's get crackin!
Culprit: Ray J feat. Yung Berg - "Sexy Can I"
Release date: 2008
Reason: 
What is that, Jude asks? It's the discovery of some sound (or noise, to be precise) in a song that totall derails it! Allow me to eplain:
"Sexy Can I" is a decent song. Decent enough that I'll listen to it if I have nothing better to listen to. That was until my ears picked up on something, some noise in the background. See if you can hear it for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMl6koRXo4M.
If you didn't hear it, pay very close attention to the background noise, particularly in between the words of the lyrics. It is there. If you're still stumped, imagine some kind of bizarre muffled honking noise, like leather being rubbed together to create a leathery burp.
It took me a while to fully realize that there was indeed a noise, and like the FedEx arrow, you can't unsee it. Well, in my mind, I can't unsee the noise. Every time I hear the song, there it is, staring at me, getting in the way of everything else. The rest of the song recedes, leaving nothing but an ugly honking noise. This is the shit of nightmares, people.
I don't know exactly what they were thinking of having that noise in the song, but whatever it is (or is supposed to be), it ruined the whole damn thing. Not that the song was that great anyway, but when you're on the razor's edge, don't give me a reason to bump you off. :chews cigar menacingly:
"Sir, well done sir, but was the scar really necessary?"
Because, Jude, the scar is there to show everyone that despite our supposed perfection, everyone is flawed. Including you. The scar is a reminder of that fact, so as to not fall into hubris. Or something. And before you point the finger, my face too is imperfect, as shocking as that may sound. I've told you about ol' chomp, after all. So yes, that's the imperfection of my face. The only imperfection. DON'T YOU DARE CRITICIZE MY FACE YOU BASTARD.
"Sir, may I eat something now, sir?"
No Jude, you didn't end the previous sentence with a "sir." You'll never learn if I go easy on you. Next!
Culprit: Keri Hilson feat. Kanye West and Ne-Yo - "Knock You Down"
Release date: 2009
Reason:
Poor Mr. Law is being bombarded with a song. Over and over and over and over and over again. And like cheap perfume, Nachos, a thorough back massage, and being stuffed into a trash can and rolled down a rocky hill, too much of even a good thing can get boring after a while. Unfortunately, that's what happened to this one.
"Knock You Down" is a decent enough song. It's got a good beat and kind of a peppy attitude that makes me want to root for it against the evil preppy hockey team. And in the interest of full disclosure, if there's a song I really like, and depending on the mood, I can listen to it over and over again for hours on end. I just DON'T GIVE A FUCK sometimes and feel like I just wanna keep hearing it. Excuse the fuck out of me, Ms. High and Mighty!
But "Knock You Down" is NOT good enough to earn that honor. And I don't know why, but this song got played the fuck out of during the summer. I counted on three separate occasions the song being TRIPLE-PLAYED. That's unheard of. Absolutely unheard of. Yet there it was.
Poor Mr. Law is getting overwhelmed. This isn't fun anymore. This song has overstayed its welcome, and now he is musically frazzled. The only solution is to turn the damn thing off. For good.
Let this be a lesson to songs out there: If you're only just good enough, don't overplay your hand. Yes, it's often a good idea to go the extra mile to impress someone, but constantly showing up and taking over the airwaves when "He's Just Not That Into You" (now in softcover!) is a good way to get a fast ticket to Get the Fuck Outsville. Population: You. And a bunch of other bad songs. And now you can join them!
Incidentally, if you want to hear it for yourself (not that it should be a mystery to you by now), here ya go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G3Q8FFckHYY.
"Sir, that was wonderful sir."
It sure was Jude. But brown-nosing will get you nowhere. BACK TO WORK.
Culprit: Fergie - "Big Girls Don't Cry"
Release date: 2006
Reason:
Usually when I hear a song, especially a pop song, I ignore the lyrics. They're just not a top priority when it comes to enjoying music.
Such was the case with "Big Girls Don't Cry," a passable effort (especially for Fergie, who basically defines "cookie-cutter" in the current pop scene). Yeah yeah, it has a kind of dreamy melody to it, but it was good enough.
But apparently my brain was getting bored with just riding the notes and started paying attention to what she was blathering about. And then suddenly the song went from being tolerable to deeply flawed. Simply put, I was not kidding when I used the word "blathering."
I understand that artists rarely write their own songs, but-- oh, it turns out that she actually co-wrote it. Well then fuck it. Fergie, you can't write lyrics for shit, I'm telling you right now. Take a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mRBoJU-MTY.
That shit is ugly. As in the kind without an alibi. I don't care if she was drunk, I imagine the lyrics to this clunker were written on fucking crayon. Even rappers don't sink to this level of base rhyming. This is below minimum effort.
The most galling part has to be the shitty "Uno cards" lyric. UNO CARDS? Oh great, rhyme "yard" with "cards." That's real clever, Fergie, calling the game of Uno "Uno cards." I can't wait until she rhymes "lame" with "Monopoly board game" in her next hit song.
Once you hear something that stupid, there's no turning back. I was actually offended by it on a spiritual level. And so, like the song's idiom, we parted ways. Except I hope you know, Fergie, that it was entirely your fault. You can pick up your SHIT in the YARD, and yes I AM keeping the ring.
"Sir, fascinating, sir. Sir, am I doing a good job so far, sir?"
Yes Jude, you are. But don't keep asking me, that's a sign of weakness, and I crush the weak. DO YOU WANT ME TO EAT YOUR BONES, JUDE? NEXT!
Culprit: The Bee Gees - "You Should Be Dancing"
Release date: 1976
Reason:
This was a shocking outcome, even for me. "You Should Be Dancing," is nominally a pretty good song. It's danceable, it has a nice hook and it nicely uses the Bee Gees' style. So what went wrong?
Well, Jim (let's pretend you're Jim. I'll be his dad. His sexy dad, so keep that in mind when you're no longer Jim. Also I am a single dad :winks:), you see, sometimes life is funny. And not funny ha-ha or funny ha-ha that guy fell down the stairs and is in severe pain, but funny as in not funny at all. Which in itself is funny. Funny ha-ha that guy fell down teh stairs and is in severe pain.
What I'm trying to say, Jim, is that sometimes things happen for no reason. Like dice landing on boxcars, resulting in your college savings going down the drain. But I'll be damned if some woman will tell me what to do with my "play money!" And in this case, Jimmy, sometimes a wonderful love just disappears.
Except this wasn't a wonderful love, it was merely a pretty okay love. But as time wore on, the song just lost its spunk. Sometimes a song can survive without its spunk, like "Beat It," but not all of them can. Unfortunately, "You Should Be Dancing" cannot survive without its spunk. It's become lifeless and bland, and rather than deal with that, I just go past it (unless there's absolutely nothing else on, then I'll give it a listen for old time's sake).
Here it is if you're curious: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CaXdTe2TYhs.
The Bee Gees still have "How Deep Is Your Love" and "Jive Talkin'" as their biggest hits, so this is not a terrible loss. But it is still kind of melancholy.
Okay, you can stop being Jim now. So, baby, what brings you to a place like this? How about we check out my... Bee Gee...
"Sir, was it really necessary to draw a Hitler moustache on me earlier, sir?"
Oh, you're still here... Yes, Jude, it was. Because I was making a point, being that we are all Hitler. Even in the right circumstances, we can become Hitler, a neurotic one-balled Jew-hater with a penchant for magnificent military fuckups. We must not fall victim to hubris and think that we can save the world, one Slavic country at a time. If we're not careful, a new Hitler will be born and ruin the world. Are you a Hitler, Jude?
"Sir, no sir."
Good. You can go now.
"Sir, thank you sir. Come see me play Hamlet!!"
Yes, come see Jude play Hamlet in New York. You can go away now.
"Awesome. Get lost you fuckin' weirdo!"
YOU SHUT UP, JUDE. GO BACK TO SIENA, YOU BIG BABY. WAH WAH I'M JUDE LAW I'M A BABY WHY DOESN'T ANYONE LIKE MY MOVIES WAH WAH JOAQUIN PHOENIX GETS ALL THE GLORY WHY? WAH WAH WAH MY WIFE IS HOT WAH WAH nobody cares Jude. NO BODY CARES.
Oh, he left. Well, bye!
No comments:
Post a Comment