It's Still Rock 'n/'r Roll to Me

Keeping with our (my) musical theme, as someone who frequents Top 40 stations (in no short supply all over Long Island), there's one thing that keeps hitting me, something that has hit me for years. No, not low-flying birds, dumbass. I'm talking about rock music. Get it? That's a line from a song. If you liked that you better leave because that's as witty as this shit will get.

"Is rock dead?" is a question that has been asked for years now, since the mid-90s, really. With Oasis breaking up, The Smashing Pumpkins collapsing (again), Green Day fizzling and most of rock 'n roll's usual players turning up AWOL or DOA, it's a fair question to ask. A book has even been written about it, and since it's $27.95 on Amazon, you can bet that it has at least some clout. By the way, this is the most scientific inquiry into music ever.

But is rock dying? Does it need to be resurrected? Or is it merely asleep, still vital but othewise occupied, ready to jump up and kill the nearest thing when someone pokes it (rock suffers from PTSD, unfortunately)? There are only two people on the planet who can settle this question once and for all, and they both happen to be me. Yes, I will argue with myself this most vital of questions. To start off, I have flipped this two-headed coin. The negative side has won and chosen to go first. Very well, asshole, IS ROCK DEAD?

In short: no. In long: this is a stupid question and you should feel bad and should go to bed without dinner tonight. This question has been asked for years for a reason: nobody can say YES. Do you see people still asking if the Pope shits in the woods? No, because they figured out the answer to it: HE CERTAINLY DOES.

More pertinently, do doctors keep asking, "Yo, is this patient dead?" for over a decade? No, they know right away. If he's dead, they prop him up like a puppet and use him to entertain the cancer ward. If he's alive, they prop him up like a puppet and use him to entertain the cancer ward. No, cancer, I mean, rock is very much alive.


Who calls rock "dead" when it's still on the radio? It's a proposterous proposition. A propostition, in fact. MTV still is down with rock, rock stations are still on the air, rock concerts are still going strong, rock may be weak right now but it's not disco.

I don't even know what constitutes it being dead. Record sales? Rock is still profitable. Concerts are still selling out. They're even making rock video games (bideo games if you're from the ORIENT). Does that look dead to you?

Rock detractors point to the failure of rock to come up with superstars as evidence. Just because we don't have anyone equivalent to Elvis running around does not mean that rock is devoid of talent, especially long-lasting talent. Pearl Jam has come out with a new album. So has Weezer and Alice in Chains. Are they dead? There's not as much churn as people think. Rock acts still have staying power.

Trying to point to sagging sales is itself idiotic. As you can see, the entire music industry is sagging. Rock is not doing any better or worse than anyone else.

When we get down to tin tacks (brass is too fuckin' expensive), rock is still the "it" genre, and I hate myself for calling anything "it," but there it is. It's the truth. People still dream of being ROCK stars. Just like baseball, the numbers may be down relative to other genres, but it's still the standard for popular music excellence, and it'll take a lot more than a bunch of limeys having a tiff or a bunch of washups flaming out to spell rock's doom.

So why don't we end this stupid feud and acknowledge that rock is here to stay. It's here, it's queer, get used to it, as they say in Afghanistan.

Okay, negative side, thank you for that wonderful report. Tomorrow we will hear from the affirmative side who will no doubt destroy this chicken-shit argument, and then swing in through the window to ravish the ladies. Tune in next time on MACGYVER (MACGYVER... MACGYVER... MAGYVER... MACGYVER)