Scenes from an Italian Stereotype

Today is (or was, if you want to get TECHNICAL about it) Columbus Day. That's Christoffa Corombo. He's the father of our country discoverer of our country, of course. You know the poem.

You also know that Columbus Day is, aside from a celebration of all things Ohioan, a celebration of all things Italian(-American). Columbus is "our" "mascot," if ethnicities can have mascots. (Fun fact: Greece's mascot is the Philly Phanatic. Normally, the dude who discovered America (and was smart enough to tell everyone else about it; good one Erik, you retard!!) is a pretty big deal, so Italians can be a little proud of him and shit.

But there are several rubs with Columbus. No. 1: He's not really a benign fellow. At all. Unlike St. Patrick, Columbus did not drive the snakes out of Italy, and he could only stay drunk 22 hours of the day. But worse than that, Columbus was a slaver and a really, really, really malevolent dick to anyone with a complexion darker than "ruddy." He presciently noted, upon finding the natives: "I could conquer the whole of them with 50 men, and govern them as I pleased." He would not let that opportunity pass.

Italian-Americans generally don't like being reminded of that, and I can understand why. The problem is that, as far as I can tell, nobody elected Columbus as the mascot of Italian-Americans. Well, I didn't vote for him. I voted for Joe Piscopo. We'll get 'em next time, Joe!!

But Columbus is just no good. Germans wouldn't like it if we made Hitler the mascot for German-Americans, not the least of which because Hitler wasn't American (at least not until after he was snuck into Michigan after WWII). Then again, Columbus isn't really American either. He didn't even buy a villa here. What a cheapskate!

Also, Columbus is only ethnically Italian. His voyage was for Castille, though, so that pretty much explains why things turned out the way they did after his voyages were through.

If you ask me, there shouldn't be a mascot for Italians. There shouldn't be mascots for other ethnicities at all. Mascots are stupid and should only either a) dance on the dugout or b) perform extremely dangerous slam dunks. Columbus can't ball and I'm pretty sure he can't dance, so he's no good.

The real problem with mascots is that they are stereotypes. Now, while I love a good stereotype, the problem is that people aren't really offended by them. Many Italians I know of pretty much fit the Italian-American stereotype to a T: overemotional, macho, family-oriented, pastrami eaters (yuck), religious, boorish, greasy, loud and excitable. If you call them on it, they'll deny it. But they fit the bill in most respects.

That's not meant to be an indictment of Italian-Americans. I think it's just a case of society conditioning people to behave a certain way. It's tough to break out of those molds, especially when you're around people who just want to embrace the stereotype because they love it so much.

But what makes being an Italian better than anything else? In truth: nothing.

Now, you may be screaming "TRADITORE!!" at me, waking up all your flatmates and embarrassing yourself AGAIN, but it's the truth. I don't like or dislike Italians anymore than I do any other culture or ethnicity (except Austrians. Fuck you, Austria). So I bristle at any pressure to be proud of my ethnicity, for a number of reasons.



The big reason is because it, frankly, is hypocritical. Until like 1850, the idea of a united Italy was pretty much laughable. Italy is a big-ass place with diverse regions, dialtects and mini-cultures. In some respects, it's not too unlike America in terms of diversity. And further, different groups of Italians didn't really take to other groups. There was no sense that everyone was an "Italian." People were Genoese, Lombards, Venetians, Sicilians, Piedmontese, Milanese, Luccans (laffo), Toscanans, Ligurians, Neapolitans, Sardinians, etc. etc. etc. etc. get on with it.

Even when Italy unified, it wasn't really smooth sailing, though it did kinda reorganize the inter-regional rivalries into two: north and south. And as far as I can understand, the division between north and south Italy roughly mirrors the division between north and south America (United States of). That's a pretty big difference, frankly.

Now you could say, "But we're talking about Italian-AMERICANS here!" Well, not necessarily for me. If you go by my mother's reckoning, then I'm 50% Italian and 50% Sicilian. But I repeat myself? Not really. Sicily is perhaps the most unique of all Italian subgroups, and I find Sicily itself to be even more intriguing than Italy proper. After all, Sicily was invaded even more times by outside groups, particularly the Muslims. There are still mosques on Sicily today. So Sicily strikes me as a more "happening" place, and it's not really accurate to say it has fully integrated with Italy. I'm sure most mainlanders would agree, which is their loss, because diversity is :cool:.

And then when you REALLY think about it, I'm not strictly 50% Sicilian, since Sicilian ancestry is buried under layers and layers of invading peoples, invadin' and rapin' and shit. Ugly business but that's what happened. So in all honesty, I find the idea that my "ancestry" has a specific meaning on my life to be ridiculous. How much Italian is my blood? How much is German? How much is Spanish, French, Moorish? Maybe a Chinaman's blood is in there too. Who the fuck knows?

And who cares? Does my heritage being 1.4% Turkish mean anything? No. Also my blood is not Italian. It's made of iron and hemoglobin and some other shit, not RAGU.

That said, let's quickly go over what it REALLY means to be an Italian-American, according to societal pressures:

EMOTIONS. Italians must be emotional. We must be passionate. We must take everything personally. I think this is pretty accurate, but then again, all Mediterranean people are considered emotional so it's a wash I guess. It's also pretty stupid. Stop being emotional and then maybe people will respect you a bit!

CATHOLICISM. All Italians are Catholics, except those friggin' traitors from il nord. We love our Pap though. This isn't a good or bad thing, but it gets ridiculous when everyone's all up in people's grill about being a Catholic when THEY NEVER GO TO CHURCH EVER.

The Mob. Personally, I regard this as being the most embarrassing aspect of Italian-Americanism. The mob are jerks. Shut up about all this "honor" crap. They steal and kill and terrorize people for a living, and they are all lousy shots and they have no imagination and are so far up their own asses, it takes Robert De Niro working overtime to make them look appealing. Italians bristle at being called mobsters but when the mob rears its head, they don't do shit to get rid of them. Jerks.

Food! Italian food is pretty goddamn good. Even the not-so-good stuff is good. So give yourself a round of applause, Italy.

Women! Italian women are great, except when they're ITALIAN women. I don't like hos that buy into the whole ethic because that usually means Lee press-ons, gum snapping, hairspray, tanning and an ego that can stretch down the Via Appia and back. Fuck that noise. I do like Italian noses and eyebrows. I don't like the overbite, though.

Guineas. Guineas are, perhaps, the worst. Worse than the mob? Well, not TECHNICALLY, but if I were forced to spend a car ride with a mafia don or a guinea, I would happily jump in the lap of the don. Guineas, guidos, greasers, dagos, whatever you call them, they are annoying as shit. The situation (HEH) has gotten worse since "Jersey Show" debuted, and of course every fucking guinea now thinks that's acceptable behavior so they're coming out of the woodwork even more than usual. I can't really express my deep hatred for this stereotype so I will spare you before this dark hatred overcomes my soul and oh shit too late I just killed a puppy.

The lingua. I can take it or leave it. I'm not really a fan of the stereotypical accent, especially when Mario says it.

Well, that was my little semi-offensive disseration on Italian-Americans. To make a long story short, Italy is nice but it holds no special place in me heart. And I think that's for the best.

Goodbye old friend

NOT the best of weeks here in the [Gorp] household. And to top it all off, some bad news. I'm losing something very close to me, something I didn't think would ever leave me.

I'm talking about this piece of work right here:



This bad boy has a long and storied history. Originally used by my grandma(r), it saw a lot of action. And I mean action. Used to watch Knight Rider on it while playing with army men in her apartment.

Then he came home. Our home. He went to the basement, the boiler room in fact. That's where he is right now, on a shelf. But beforehand he was on a table, captaining one of the sickest gaming rigs of the time. My NES got booted from the basement proper years ago, and the TV that used to be there up and died. This one took its place and was magnificent.

The old TV was prone to fuzzing up and having its vertical scroll go haywire. I don't know if you remember what life was like when you had to adjust that thing, but it was part of the joy that was watching television in the 80s and early 90s.

This new guy was perfectly stable. Pristine signal. Never fucked up. He was dependable. If you wanted to play some Rampart, he was game. When you played Bases Loaded or Ice Hockey, it was like HD. I am dead serious. The colors were sharp and you could see ever square end of every pixel. Hell, he even made the Intellivision look magnificent.

But as time went on, the NES got less and less use as the PlayStation, then the PS2, came in. By 2000, he was in semi-retirement. By 2002, he was done. Not done done, but I was done with the NES. We retired the NES (though the setup is still in its spot, ready to go at a moment's notice) and kicked the TV to the shelf because it wasn't compatible with any cables we had. A computer now occupies its space.

I learned that tomorrow I have to haul the old buddy upstairs so he can be trashed. He'll become one with a landfill somewhere, unless they use some parts for recycling or something. I'm sure he has some nasty chemicals inside there, though.

I think he's okay with it. Deep down inside, every appliance knows that one day this day must come. Just like everyone else, everything has to degrade, break down, retire and get trashed. Except plastics. Those motherfuckers have to be melted or something, they never go away. EVER.

I'm okay with it too. Old buddy was there for me, but he's been replaced now. That's the way it goes with inanimate objects.

It's tempting to say that a lot of memories are going to the landfill. That's not true. They're here with me, and as long as those neutrons are functionl, they are not going anywhere.

So long, dude.

ELECTION 2009: AMERICA: THE WHOLE WORLD IS WATCHING, PART 3: JUDGMENT DAY

I don't know what's going on in Poland on Tuesday, if they're having elections for chief comissar or if they're voting on the referendum to rename Lodz to Get a Lodz of Me, but tomorrow is election day. Or erection day if you live in Corea. Corea has the best elections.

But, you might say, it's 2009. An off-year election. How interesting can this shit get? You might not have noticed when you were here, but America has gone kookier than normal, especially your right-winged comrade at arms. In fact, things are downright HECTIC. This year is no different.

There are three elections that people are hyping because a) they're bored and b) they're desperate. Even though these elections will change absolutely nothing pertinent about anything, they're amusing to watch because of all the batshit nonsense implications about them, and because they reveal a glimpse of the background machinations of our shitty political system.

Let's stop chewing the fat and get right down to brass tacks. While we climb the ladder of success, keeping our noses to the grindstone.

ERECTION 1: VIRGINNY GUBENATORIAL. GOOBERNATORIAL?

Name: Creigh Deeds

Party: Democrat

Pros: Professional macker

Possibly rich

Cons: Illiterate

Everyone laughs at him

VS.

Name: Bob McDonnell

Party: All the time

Pros: Loves Jesus

And her boyfriend too

Cons: Not quite Hawaiian

Insane

Virginny went to Obama in the last election, but when it woke up and realized it was sleeping next to a black guy, it quietly panicked and took a shower. That shower is coming in the form of Bob McDonnell, a graduate of Jerry Fallwell's Bible camp. Now all Virginia has to do is wait in the shower until the black dude goes away, then it can come out and confess its sins. Oh wait, they don't do that down there.

McDonnell's opponent is Creigh Deeds. I have no idea who Mr. Deeds is (HEH), but he certainly isn't going to Washington (HEH HEH). Because the governor's house is in Richmond, actually (HEH HEH HEH). But yeah, he's like 13 points down in the polls, so of course the GOP is playing this shit up. It's like when the Dodgers were going to the playoffs and they're like, "HELL YEAH WE BEAT THE REDS. WORLD SERIES HERE WE COME." Then Manny slips on a banana peel and they're eliminated by Jonathan Broxton's shitty pitching.

So yeah, this is a layup for the GOP. But it's also the least important of the BIG THREE.

ERECTION 2: NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR. GUVNA!!!

Name: Jon Corzine
Party: You betcha
Pros: Rich as fuck
Rockin' the beard
Cons: Incompetent as fuck
Exemplies pretty much everything wrong with our system

VS.

Name: Chris Christie

Party: The elephants

Pros: I suppose he's "bonhommie"

Can use fat to survive long winters

Cons: JOWELS

As generic as Republicans can get

Chris Christie vs. Jon Corzine on paper looks like a mismatch. Corzine has tons of money, tons of fans, and tons of some other stuff probably. Oh yeah, he's also the incumbent.

But Corzine has gotten in his own way. First it was getting in a car crash rushing to the aid of the Ruggers women's basketball squad. Then it was fucking up the budget. Then everyone realized that he's the governor of New Jersey.

Amazingly, someone wants to take this job away from Corzine, and that's this guy. Up there. On the right. Chris Christie. He's a lawyer, and probably a really nice dad, and he probably lets his kids smoke weed. I think. He looks the type. But other than that, what does he stand for?

Well, not much. His campaign is basically CUT YER TAXES AND CUT SPENDING. I HATE FRAUD AND I LOVE P(censored). So Republicans have supported his campaign, but not overwhelmingly so.

New Jersey hasn't been Democratic since Christie Todd Whitman, but she was not a maniac right-winger so her tenure isn't looked on so fondly. I don't think Christie will similarly be that nuts, just a bumbling retard but not crazy Jesus retard. I'm not sure NJ can be destroyed much more than it already can be.

To show how confident Corzine is in his election chances, he let loose this devastating salvo.

The race is in a dead heat. That's all. Go away now.

THE MAIN ERENT: NEW YORK CONGRESSIONAL-23. TWO THREE.

Name: Bob Owens
Party: Like a rock star
Pros: Doesn't look like he will kill/molest you
Cons: He's Bob Owens

VS.

Name: DeDe Scozzafava
Party: Nobody

Pros: Was a Republican

Can farm beans

Cons: One "De" short of being a Kirby archvillain

No longer in the race

VS.

Name: Doug Hoffman
Party: Co-- wait a second, that's not Doug Hoffman!!

Name: Doug Hoffman
Party: Ahem. CONSERVATIVE
Pros: Will kill babies to win
Has a ton of money now
Cons: Look at him
Just fuckin' look at him

NY-23 started off as a ho-hum affair. The former Congressman, Jon McHugh, a Republican, got picked by Obama to be Secretary of d'Army. So he ditched NY-23, as any thinking person would, and left a vacuum. The local GOP picked DeDe Scozzafava, a liberal Republican, to run for the special election. So far, so good.

No wait, not at all. I don't know how or why, but right wingers noticed DeDe and noticed that she's relatively liberal. She supports gay marriage and is pro-choice. She's also "pro-union," whatever that means. She was endorsed by the Working Family Party, which means ACORN. If you don't understand why ACORN is dangerous, imagine an overweight southerner in a thatch cowboy hat saying it as loud as he can. Not yelling it, but just saying it. Like "ACORN." As in "THAT GAM ACORN TOOK MY DANG RACCOON." It's the devil.

Well right wingers weren't gonna take that. In a move only Stalin could appreciate, GOPers flooded NY-23 like crusaders descending on Constantinople. I mean they got in and owned that P-(CENSORED). Suddenly DeDe was in hot water in a normally safe GOP area.

Enter: Doug Hoffman, an accountant or something who doesn't even live in the district in question. Dougie Doug passed the right-wing purity test. He hates abortion, hates fags, hates taxes and loves business. That's him in a nutshell. Oh yeah, he's also apparently dog stupid.

Let's take a brief intermission to talk about NY-23. NY-23 is hinterland defined. Only the Jersey Pine Barrens are less densely populated in the Northeast. I've been to the area in question. You could carpet bomb it with hydrogen bombs and you'd only kill maybe 1,000 people. It's that fucking empty and boring, so this whole election shit must be like their first Christmas.

When Hoffman jumped in, he immediately split the GOP vote. Now all of a sudden Scozzafava is pulling in less than 25%, while the Democrat, an empty shirt named Bob Owens (who is incidentally more CONSERVATIVE than Scozzafava) took the lead, if only a slim one. As Scozzafava decreased in popularity, Hoffman's surge intensified. The psychos smelled blood.

It became so bad that Scozzafava fell to THIRD. That was enough for her. This past weekend, she quit the race, giving Hoffman a boost (or so I think; I don't know if there's been any solid polling since then). But as a final fuck you to the party that summarily ditched her, she endorsed Owens. Not sure that'll make much of a difference.

The race is currently in a dead heat, or a dad heat if you don't believe in death. The smart money is on Hoffman but it's not a sure bet. If Hoffman wins, he will be nominally a Conservative, not a Republican, but he has the GOP's organized support now. Not that that means anything at all.

So there you have it. Three races, all really not a big deal at all, but all are marked as "bellweathers" about Obama. If the right wingers take all three, then OBAMA IS TOAST. If not, then OBAMA IS STILL TOAST because we are not dealing with rational people here. Basically any vote for these honkies is a vote against the black dude. That's all it boils down to and that's all it's been about since November '08.

Stay tuned for an update!!