Merry Fuckin' Christmas

It's like the one-year anniversary of this retarded blog, which means it's Christmastime again. And things could not be worse.

Christmas 2008 was kinda bland. Obama won, but anyone with a brain could've told you that nothing was gonna change. The corner store was blasting Christmas music. "The Dark Knight" was coming out on blu-ray. All in all, a wash at best.

Flashing forward to today, if that's at all possible metaphorically, and we're not even close to where we were last year. In other words, we were in a hole in 2008. Now we're near the core of the planet, except it's a shitball planet and the core is made of raw sewage.

I'm thinking that the best course of action this year is to just skip Christmas. Cancel the whole rotten thing. Trying to make everyone merry for profit this time isn't going to cut it. Wishing the world a merry Christmas is like walking into the Sahara with an umbrella and going, "It's time for rain!!"

If I need to describe why things are such a bother, then I have to wonder just what the hell you're up to. The economy is teetering like a drunk on a highwire, above a pool with agitated alligators, and maybe a shark, and a swimming scorpion, and Cthulhu for good measure. The only question is who will munch on it first. My money's on the scorpion, actually. Those bastards are dynamite when they're pissed.

And that's not all. Everyone is getting clearly pissed off, even me. Obama is such a turd that even his most ardent Obamatars are taking a good long look in the mirror. His recent foray into Afghanistan can't make anything better. That's just what the country needs on its conscience: more blown up brown people. I sound like a fuckin' peacenik here.

Black Friday came and went without incident. That's actually not a good thing. I'm sure Wal-Mart was all torn up over that worker who was trampled to death last year, but this year was quiet. Too quiet. The hungry capitalist beast does not like quiet, but there it is, you fat bastard. Shoppers did not really come through so far, and it's hard to see why they should.

The biggest items this year are what? Gap is still prattling on about scarves and flannel and sweaters and whatever. Sometimes I wish Old Navy would resurrect that old Harry Caray lady and regale us with more performance fleece. Well who the hell is going to shell out $40 for a scarf when they can just raid the poor house? Oh that's right.

BestBuy is being insufferable with some faux wasslers informing intelligent shoppers that they need to buy flatscreen TVs. Is that the best they can do? Big HDTVs? They've been selling those for years now.

Jared now has some new diamond where you can woo deaf women, or something. It looks like a coiling snake, actually. It's called the Pandora diamond. If only it would really unleash chaos. Anyway those commercials are just what you expect them to be.

At least there are no car commercials, yet. No big bows or any of that shit. Then again, it's hard to sell cars when your business model is extinct. Ho ho ho, GM.

They even messed up the Hess truck. Oh wait, it's not a truck, it's a giant F1 racer with, surprise! a mini F1-racer in it. No, neither of those are trucks, Hess. Don't tell me you've run out of ideas.

Beyond the commercials, though, everyone is addled. Cops are getting shot, non-cops are getting shot, flu shots are in a shortage, Hot Shots Part 3 has not yet been made, and the movies all appear to be garbage. Well, "Ninja Assassin" was pretty good. That's what we need this Christmas: a movie about eviscerating others.

Before Thanksgiving (remember that funny little holiday?), they released yet another version of "A Christmas Carol," this time in CG and starring a very old Jim Carrey. People complained that one part of the movie was rather dour, the part where the Ghost of Christmas Present reveals Ignorance and Want to Scrooge and flaunts his bullshit in his wrinkled face. What a surprise, people don't like to be reminded of suffering. Well good luck getting away with hiding that this year.

I really can't imagine Christmas cheer settling in this year. 106.7 is trying its darndest by going 24-hours of Christmas, but their song selections are different this year. They're using more obscure versions of the old hits. Why? They don't sound any better. Maybe they realize that something is off this year, too.

The epitome of this Christmas was Obama's speech announcing the escalation of the war in Afghanistan. Not even most Americans think that's the "good war" anymore, so in a way it was a comedy tour de force. And of course it pre-empted "A Charlie Brown's Christmas," arguably the best of all Christmas specials. It's the one where Linus reminds people about Jesus, but sorry Linus, Obama has to look like a tough guy and sentence thousands of people to death only to lose re-election. That's America's Christmas in a nutshell.

The only people who are gonna have any fun this Christmas are, of course, going to be the kids of the rich. I'll try to have fun too, but this year the bothers of Christmas are more apparent than the joys. It doesn't help that I don't really have anyone to send meaningful gifts to now. Scratch that, I do have one but it's not under ideal circumstances. Giving gifts is fun when you put thought into it, but simply vomitting up a wishlist or handing out gift cards is more like buying groceries from a list. I mean sure, you might like what you're getting, but it's so predictable.

And then we have all the stupid Christmas specials. There are some new ones this year but I'm pretty sure they all rely on the tried-and-true formula of furry CGI animal needs to buy someone a gift and can't figure out what to get!!! Stop me if you heard this one before (you should be stopping me right now).

And then we have the post-Christmas letdown, the people becoming suicidal when they can't reach out to anyone (now possibly with a dose of homicide this time), people whining about giving out a hundred Christmas cards when they know they don't need to do that at all, etc. At least football will be on Christmas Eve.

The season of perpetual hope is being drowned out by the realization of perpetual trouble. Nobody can paper over the turd that's being dumped on everyone except the rich, of course, so I expect things to get very, very ugly out there as Christmas nears. And then once we clear Christmas, there comes the death stretch until Easter to remind us all, especially those relying on soup kitchens and holiday clothing drives, that Christmas comes but once a year, now enjoy your winter.

For a cynic like me, this isn't much of a surprise or a shock. It's not me you should be worrying about. It's everyone who hasn't yet accepted that this is as good as it'll get this year, and they outnumber me by about, oh, 250 million to one.

And that's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.