Things I don't understand: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Who is he? Rudolph is the brainspawn of some guy named Robert May. He was born the same year as the start of World War II, perhaps making him a dark omen or some shit. Maybe he was complicit in the Holocaust. We'll never know, but is it any wonder that Santa is a Dutch creation? Perhaps... a creation... of the Dutch SS? Think about it...

But... why? Now I have a soft spot for Rudolph. My main bitch gave me a Christmas card with him on it, making lustful eyes with a non-red-nosed reindoe. If that's not a message then I don't know what is. I hump that card every night before I go to bed hand to God.

Anyway, Rudolph is truly an enigma despite his ability to land reinbitches. Nobody knows where he came from. Is he an orphan? Maybe the TV special explained that but I can't remember shit about it. Well that's not true, but I don't remember any parents being in the picture, so either he's a bastard or a genetically-engineered project gone wrong.

What is obvious is that he is some kind of mutant. His red nose, though, does not bode well for his genetic prosperity. If it weren't for Santa, he'd probably have been blown away by some amateur hunter. I mean, come on Rudolph, you don't think that shit's gonna give you away? You might as well walk into Elmer Fudd's house, slam a glock and a bandsaw on his table and say, "Let'er rip you fucking retard!"

MUUUUUTIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

MUUUUUUUUTIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

How can this be! So let me get this straight: Santa makes Rudolph the leader... because he needs his sleigh to be guided on a foggy winter's eve.

Okay, maybe Rudolph has inherent leadership skills. Maybe he doesn't walk in at 5 in the morning, out of his mind on coke and unsure if he accidentally murdered a hooker or not (why hello there Blitzen), but I don't think having a glowing schnozz makes you capable of leading men.

Furthermore, I'm not sure May even knew the basics of flight. But here it goes, Gene: first of all, if it's foggy out, light isn't gonna help you too much, especially if said light only reaches out maybe 3 or 4 feet in front of you. You might as well have the reindeer toting glowstiks or some shit. I could generate more light rubbin my footsie pajamas on my sheets than that.

And really, what's the point anyway? I can understand if Santa was worried about a mid-air collision or some shit. That's why they put lights on planes. You know what's not a reason to put lights on airplanes? TO FUCKING GUIDE THEM.

Okay Santa let's be real here for a second, can we? It's the 21st century. Surely you have GPS or some shit. At least a Garmin. You're a fat European, you have to have a map and a snide attitude and you probably love eating as much shit as possible and repulsing everyone at the beach. How about using an astrolabe? The point is that you don't need Rudolph, or any light whatsoever, to see where you're going because you're 10,000 fucking feet IN THE AIR.

What, you're afraid you're gonna hit a mountain or some shit? Newsflash Santa: by the time Rudy's nose shines on the rocky face of Mt. You're Gonna Fucking Die, it'll be too late. Are you the kind of jackass who wonders "Duuhhhhhh, where's the headlights?" before he boards a plane? YOU PROBABLY ARE. That's why you're still using shitty elvish contractors and not hiring the good El Salvadorans who live somewhere near my neighborhood (probably in their truck that's always parked across the street. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY, PEDRO).

You're scaring the straights, now. This isn't really Rudy's fault, though. He's only trying to make money and not be considered a horrible freak for the rest of his life.

The story concludes with Rudolph being a hero because Santa's too much of a fucking headcase to get through some fog. Instead of having a confidence vote on Santa's ability to carry out his duties, though, they just ignore that and celebrate Rudolph and his lucky disability.

There is a very popular Bass-Rankin TV special that CBS farts out every early December. It adds a shitload to the mythology like an old bum snowman, a Yeti who doesn't have a penchant for blood (perhaps he's a gay Yeti hmmmmm?) and an elf who is similarly disfigured with a gigantic head. The special makes the Rudolph story way more complicated than it needs to be, but MadTV once had a funny parody of it so I guess it has made some positive impact on humanity.

Oh wait, the cartoon was produced by GE, which owns NBC, and thus doesn't have the rights to broadcast it anymore. Merry Christmas indeed, fuckos.

The verdict: Rudolph is a lost soul, torn between the inefficiencies of Santa's operation and the racism that permeates Reindeer society. Maybe one day the Rednosed reindeer will be accepted for who they are. But we have to wonder, does Rudolph's collaboration with the Blacknoses make him a civil rights paragon... or an Uncle Rudolph?

As Rudy himself would say, "9/11!"

Things I don't understand: Frosty the Snowman

Who is he? Frosty is an anthropomorphosized snowman of an unknown origin. He first appeared in a Gene Autry song in 1950, so already you know this is gonna be shit.

Autry decided that he wanted to sing a gay song that would sell lots of records, thus getting him enough money to buy more Indian blow or something. He did this a year earlier with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, but that's another story altogether.

The story goes that Frosty came to life thanks to some rotten kids who were probably skipping school or some shit. Frosty then took these delinquents and went on a rampage until he had to leave. He returns every Christmas to wreak havoc on small, insignificant (but I repeat myself) New England villages.

A man... made of snow. Or is he? Let's break it down.

Okay, so Frosty only can come to life when a demon-magic silk hat is put on his head. So that means that before he's running amok, he's nothing more than a mere snowman, competently built perhaps, but a mere snowman nonetheless. Which raises the question: could Frosty's hat work on some other assortment? After all, its magic is quite powerful. His carrot nose and coal eyes/mouth turn into true flesh, and his pipe probably generates an infinite amount of crack (to keep him up all the time, a tactic used for decent results by the Mumbai terrists). Potentially, if the kids gave him a carrot dick as well, and perhaps they were just about to when he sprung to life, he could theoretically reproduce.

I fully believe Gene Autry was aware of these possibilities.

Could this work on other types of men? How about Woody the Stumpman? Sandy the Sandman? Smoky the Hempman? Shitty the Dungman? If you put him on clay, would you have a golem? Would that be frowned upon by the Jewish community? Probably. Can't have any fun with them.

Maybe calling him Frosty the Snowman is a complete misnomer. The true source of his power is that hat. Maybe he should be called Hatty the Hatman.

What the fuck is his deal, anyway? So he appears and disappears around Christmas, which is pretty fucking pointless for a man made of snow as it gives him all but four days of winter at most. Perhaps he is aware of his pointless, ironic existence, which is why he remains active the whole time to use every last second of his worthless life.

Why does he disappear during Christmas, though? I think the implication is that he is so aware of his own mortality that he opts to be euthanized by Santa himself. Perhaps he is thrown down a chimney. Maybe that's considered a quick death by snowmen.

According to the Bass-Rankin commercialtoon, Frosty dies when he's lured into a house with an active fireplace. While the kids regard this as an act of pure murder, leniency should be granted on the grounds that the killer was trying to protect his house from a walking fucking man of snow. Do kids understand that? No. That's why they're stuck in a giant arena all day designed to reinforce their terribly small place in the world.

What I want to know is this: why doesn't he just flee to Saskatchewan, or Baffin Island, or fuck it, Siberia? He wouldn't have to worry about melting. Being mauled by a bear, sure. But do bears really want to eat snow? Think about it, Frosty...

So Frosty comes to life and he only has retarded kids to play with. So what does he do? He runs around town, laughing and ignoring police and traffic laws. In his short lifespan, he becomes reckless, daring death to strike him down. So he naturally feels no responsibility for the kids who foolishly follow his every action. And he's supposed to be considered a valued Christmas icon?

The verdict: After all this research, I can only conclude that Frosty is a monstrosity, an offense to God who has to personally smite Frosty by raising the temperature a few degrees (Fahrenheit. Fuck you Celsius shitheads this is MERICA, and double fuck you Kelvin assholes).

All the evidence suggests it. Smokes crack-rock, leads kids to commit acts of suicidal deliquency, and he's a fat slob. He's, in short, a hedonist, a representation of man who has been reduced to madness after confronting his own mortality. Usually I don't take things like cartoon so symbolically, but I think what Autry was trying to tell us was that Frosty is a troubled soul who deserves both our pity and our scorn, like Hitler.

What, you don't pity Hitler? Fuck you. The man only had one ball!

Anyway, I think the real question here is who'd win in a fight: Frosty or the Snowman from The Snowman.

BUT THAT IS A QUESTION FOR ANOTHER DAY.

:plays the national anthem on the way out:













P.S. If you pissed on Frosty before putting the hat on, would that piss him off? Like he'd be born with a painful acid burn on his leg? Someone get to the bottom of this right now.