Twitter is for twee twerps, two twucks near the twowwey

Everyone is a twitter about Twitter. I will now execute myself for using that. But before I go, you should know that Twitter is basically a scam. It's the Yahoo! of bullshit. Like most fads, it takes a deceptively simple concept and stretches it way too far.

And like a fad, everyone rushes to join it. This time around, Twitter has been backed by celebrities and politicians. Now every politician thinks people are chomping at the bit to follow their inane thoughts or their retarded reactions to shit.

Most obnoxious are media personalities adopting it. CNN's Rick Sanchez's Twitter is supposed to be a big fuckin' deal. He responds to people who twat at him, which I suppose is cool and shit, but beyond that, virtually nobody has any useful thing to do with Twitter.

Twittites defend it by saying that it's supposed to be a simple way to follow what someone's doing during the day, or to find out how people are reacting to things they encounter during the day. But that's stupid. I don't want people to know my every reaction to everything. If I think something is interesting, I will tell you myself later on, not broadcast the thought and have random people read/respond to it. That doesn't seem to strike me as the point of communication. It's more like how animals communicate (in most situations), just spouting shit and having everyone else react appropriately.

Well I'm not an animal. I'M A HUMAN FUCKING BEING. DO YOU HEAR ME, TWITTER? YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME!

Anyway, Twitter has reached its peak, I think. It has hit the top of its fad-dom. All it needs to do is jump the shark and then drop down to a Pets.com level, into obscurity. What will that shark be? I'm betting someone will twitter a mass murder and people will realize how fucking pointless and gauche it is and abandon it.

Or Facebook will devour it. Same shit.

P.S. It's been said before, but only Shaq's Twitter is any good. Now here's a man who understands new media: It's largely an exercise in absurdity not to be taken seriously.

Blacks vs. Asians: Baseball

I love baseball. It's the second coolest sport on earth (I won't divulge the first coolest bestest). This is the only sport where people like Kurt Suzuki can be considered "good" at. But that has nothing to do with anything.

The best thing about baseball, hands down, is that it's on every day. Every fucking day, someone is scratching his balls on the bench, someone is yelling obscenities in the stands, someone is trying to argue that bunting is a good idea. People say baseball is a slow sport. They're all gay. All of them. A rainbow coalition of critics. I know the rainbow coalition concerns more than just gayness, I'm just saying they're dumb. And so are you.

How can baseball be a slow sport? It's always on! You can't say that about football. Babies need a whole week to recooperate because everyone is on roids. The roids aren't an excuse, though, because everyone was on roids in baseball too. They're on HGH now. It's different because it shrivels your balls in different ways.

I have the MLB Network. It is the model of what a sports-oriented network should be: live programming all the fucking time with live look-ins on ongoing games. So I can hear Jerry Remy on NESN calling the other team a bunch of negro-loving bastards for daring to hit the ball past PEDROYAAAUHHHHHH I LOVE THESE WICKE' HAHD DONUHTS. Even Dan Plesac being an analyst can't harsh the buzz.

What do I not like about baseball?

1. People don't realize how much of it is based on luck. Here's a story for you. It's Roslyn Little League. Bottom of the 7th (9th). We're ahead by 1. We are the Expos, the Green Team. Best team I've ever been on. I'd go to war with those guys if I could remembre their names.

Anyway, we're facing the Azure Team. I think they were the Cardinals. I'm catching. Pitcher throws. IT'S A WILD PITCH OVER MY HEAD. I jump all the way up but it's too high. Man on third's coming home. I turn around looking for the ball and there it is, bounced off the backstop right in front of me. I grab it, maintaining my momentum and spin back to the plate. Runner sees me blocking the plate. Oh fags!, he thinks. He comes to a stop within arm's reach. I swat at his ankles as he tries to dance. He jigs for his baseball life. The ump finishes his Tetley and goes "OUT!!!" I got him. We got the third out. THE EXPOS WIN. PADRES ARE WEARING THOSE SHITTY CAMO UNIFORMS. GOD DAMMIT PADRES YOU PLAY IN SAN DIEGO, IT'S A NAVY BASE NOT AN ARMY BASE.

What does that story have to do with anything? I'll tell you: baseball is about luck, primarily. When you swing the bat, you really don't have that much control over where the ball goes. Sure, you can send it in a general direction and you can determine its volicity, but the game is so precise that it's not as much a matter of skill. That's why the really really good players are really really good, because they can make their own luck at the game.

People don't realize this, though. They get all bitchy when a player doesn't hit a grand slam all the

IT'S OFF THE WALL. FURCAL SCORES. HUDSON SCORES. MANNY TO SECOND. 4-2 DODGERS. THOSE ARE EXTENSIONS IN HIS HAIR.

time. ARoid knows what I'm talking about. This is why batting averages top out at around .350. IT'S FUCKING HARD. Most baseball players are scrubs. This segues to my next point:

Manny's at the plate. 1-1 DREADLOCKS!!

2. Most baseball players are scrubs but are elevated anyway. This is especially true about Cooperstown. Hey let's make Jim Rice a HoFer. Jim Rice. Really? You mean THIS is HoF material:

.854 OPS (128 OPS+), .298 BA, 382 HR, 1451 RBI

Baseball-Reference says he's comparable to these other GIANTS of the game:

Orlando Cepeda

Chili Davis

MOISES FUCKING ALOU

ELLIS HOLY SHIT FUCKING CHRIST BURKS

Andres Gallarraga

REALLY, HOF COMMITTEE?

This is what I'm talking about. What was the rationale for voting him in? "Well gee, he was really dominant for like five years and shit." That is not GREATNESS. Mickey Mantle is great. Babe Ruth is great. Even Ted Williams is great. Jim Rice is not great. Jim Rice was very good for a couple of years. But he was mediocre in other years. THAT IS NOT GREATNESS. I'd sooner pull Babe Ruth's fat skeleton out of the ground than put Jim Rice at bat.

This shit happens in every sport nowadays, but it's rather acute in baseball. Case in point: David Eckstein, Capt. Scrappy. Never before has someone parlayed an OPS+ of 88(!) to such glory. He was a World Series MVP because he managed to run around a lot. Really, MLB? Really??

3. Roids. I hate em. It's cheating because you're not supposed to be able to be that jacked that fast. "But, but but, what's the difference!" you say (because you're gay)? Well there isn't any when you get down to it.

So then why can't a ballplayer chop off his arms and replace them with cyborg terminator arms that can hit the ball 200 mph to the next state? Maybe replace the guy's legs with a giant wheel so he can just speed around the bases? Maybe instead of playing baseball, they can just brawl to decide who gets on base?

If you think that sounds like a great fucking idea, YOU ARE FUCKING RIGHT.

YEAH, FUCK HIM UP GRAY!!!

Anyway, no, that's not the point of baseball. People want to know that the dude swinging the bat is all dude (like me, and WHAT A DUDE!), not some fake testosterone or unnatural muscle growth. It's just not fun. It's like playing TIE Fighter in invincible mode. I mean sure, it's fun parking in front of a Star Destroyer and shooting it down while it helplessly shoots at you, but after that, what are you really doing? Wasting everyone's time. It's stupid. Cheating is for people who can't have fun doing what they're doing, aka BABIES.

4. The National League. Abolish it. Now. It really is the JV league. I'm all for tradition and shit but making pitchers bat was a bad idea because pitchers don't learn how to hit. It's fucking baseball, what do you mean you don't know how to hit?

Worse yet, because these idiots can't hit, then that means that they have to bunt. Bunting is retarded. If it is ever decided that intentionally walking the likes of Ross Gload is considered a good idea, it means you're doing baseball wrong, NL. GET LOST.

But baseball rocks despite this shit because nothing is perfect, not even me. I leave .000000000001% imperfect because I like the challenge. And fuck all the haters, baseball 4ever.

In closing, I leave you with something Hitler would've been proud to see his language reduced to:

Let's go down to Koh Phi Phi!! (did I get that right? Fuck it let's keep going)

While the country gets a reprieve from its collapse, allowing just enough time to watch Obama mack Lizzy Windsor (psssst, she's actually a German!!), another controversy from the GOP's inexhaustable outrage dump is looming over us. This time, unlike phantom budgets and HE GAVE THE QUEEN WHAAAAAAAT? (an iPod), there's a modicum of substance to it. Fortunately for us, the GOP is still retarded and may not get its way here.

What am I talking about? :mccain: That guy.

That's Harry Koh, and as is the case from anyone from Massachusetts (I love ya anyway baby!!), all he can do is cause trouble and beat up blacks.

What's the big deal? Koh's cardinal sin is that he (correctly) points out that the US of A is a serial breaker of international law and thus has no business telling other countries to eat shit when they violate international law. The GOPers thus accuse him of not being sufficiently patriotic, except to the emperor of Korea or some shit.

Koh is Obama's nominee to the legal advisorship at the State department, so apparently it makes a difference what his opinion on international law is. Basically, he thinks the US should actually obey international law. The GOP, behaving like a maniacal EUIII player, thinks the US doesn't have to answer to anyone despite having a badboy of over 25 and is currently strumming along in Iraq and Afghanistan, putting down Sunni/Shiite zealots because they're too fucking lazy to just send missionaries there. COME ON YOUR WAR WEARINESS IS THROUGH THE ROOF GUYS.

I'm giving the GOP props for actually doing something not related to insulting the queen a England. Unfortunately, this is still retarded and the heat is on Obama to withdraw this dude. So far, though, signs point to him actually sticking to his gunz.

Everyone is currently obsessing over Obama's trip to UEFA-land, which is dumb-ass enough on its own. But maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Maybe we can actually get a law-and-order type snuck in while everyone is distracting by Obama throwing nickels around London or wherever they are. I think they're in London. Wait of course they're in London they met the queen in person! Ah ha ha ha ha ha. Ha. Yes.

Anyway, yeah, don't be a bitch Obama and get this guy in. Then slam dunk on Brown. DO IT.

Boehner, do you copy? You must continue your m-mission.

On Wednesday, the GOP unveiled its budget proposal for 2009. It was a solid effort but it lacked one critical thing: any useful ideas whatsoever.

In case you've been absent from the country since 2006, the GOP has gone a bit, shall we say, nanners. Total bonkers. It'd be funny if the they weren't so serious about acting totally weird.

I've always been interested in Jungian psychology, and one of the things ol' Karl dreamed up was the idea of the collective unconscious. Basically it means that everybody shares the same thoughts deep down inside, and this shit rarely bubbles to the surface. But when it does, chances are everyone experiences it the same way. Think of it like a hive mind, except it's, shall we say, under the surface. Heheheheheheh.

Ah fuck me, I forgot I didn't use the "anthill" metaphor there. IGNORE THAT.

Anyway, if there's gonna be any credence for Jung's work, I think it can be found in the GOP. I don't know precisely when they all collectively went insane, but it has happened and now they apparently can't even bottle it up anymore.

If you need proof, look no further than the rise of Glenn Beck. Once a mere radio talk-show host, Beck landed on CNN Headline News, which is like the Atlantic League of cable television, then jumped up to the Majors in Fox News. Batting 5th in their daily lineup, Beck hosts a show that is so proposterous, so crazed that I sometimes wonder if we're just being treated to a daily psychiatry session.

Take for instance his 912 Project. Simply reading this shit doesn't quite grasp the lunacy presented on his show. If you saw the special, or clips of it, you saw a man cry on live TV about the fate of the USA. You see, by electing a socialist negro president, the US has instantly transformed itself into the Great Satan, filled with taxes and homosexuals and minorities who are VOTING.

Perhaps most disturbing about this 912 shit is his vaguely threatening "We Surround Them" theme. The "we" is the great Nixonian "silent majority," that is, a bunch of old white people who nod their heads whenever someone extols the virtues of CONSERVATIVE ECONOMICS while worrying if a negro is breaking into their Oldsmobile outside. But it's not the oldies we're afraid of. It's the Tim McVeigh crew who are still out there, as we speak, arranging fertilizer in ways that it was not really meant to be arranged.

I don't know if Beck is putting on an act or not. He's certainly more convincing than Sean Hannity, but if it's not an act, then I can very comfortably say that Glenn Beck is one bad trip away from a total psychotic break. How many other Americans are already in their psychotic snappings?

But this week's GOP budget also represents another mental illness: delusion. First of all, the "budget" wasn't even a budget, it was a packet of some flowcharts and pictures of white people looking happy because the country was saved by tax cuts. Or something. Second, it was chock full of maddening bullshit that couldn't possibly work, and anyone capable of using subtraction can figure that out.

For instance, the GOP thinks that by implementing tort reform, health care costs will be lowered so much that anyone will be able to afford it.

??????????????????

George H.Dubya. Bush referred to this as "Voodoo economics," and he was right. The GOP's strategy for the economy, which is something that more or less can be measured rather objectively, is to implement the dogma of low taxes/deregulation, stir well and voila! a healthy economy! I can imagine a church full of these guys, staring at a piggy bank, pointing at it with their fingers like Emperor Palpatine. "I COMMAND YOU TO BE FULL," they say. "I COMMAND IT. IT IS WRITTEN!!!"

I've talked to enough ordinary Republicans to be very dismayed by what is going on. Everyone seems to buy into the notion that Republicans are the last true defenders of freedom in this country, and that the Dems are all commie fag-loving abortionist Mexicans. That's not true, guys! Only Massachusetts Dems are like that!!

The only other explanation for this craziness is that someone is deliberately leading the party into oblivion. Perhaps GW broke into the GOP's talking points distribution system and began to barf its random utterances onto it. And instead of questioning the wisdom of introducing a bill that reaffirms the dollar as the nation's currency, they simply shrugged and went along with it because, by golly, the Colonel's telling us something and he's the Colonel so go do it!

I can only hope that GW tells them to "cut the power right now," or at least to "enter the track on the bridge to the right," which hopefully leads to an oncoming train. Until then, it looks like we may be stuck with just enough GOP economics to bring us to... FISSION MAILED.

Ah look, someone enjoying the benefits of Republican economics already!

America's funniest home videos

Timothy (Timmay) Geithner is unveiling another bank rescue plan tomorrow. I think this marks plan #80 billionty in the great looting of the treasury of 2008-09, now in its 20th year.

I'm not too well-versed in economic matters, but I do know bullshit when I see it. Most Americans know it's bullshit too, but they are basically unable to articulate what the exact problem is. This in itself is problematic. I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one.

If you're just tuning in, here's all you need to know: a bunch of rich guys invented new and fun ways to steal money from taxpayers, and then had politicians write bills and laws and plans and shit designed exclusively to give them even more money. Oh by the way, a huge chunk of America's wealth that was supposedly accumulated over the past decade turns out to have been a big fat illusion. Enjoy your debt slavery!

The only people who are really, really pissed about it are also the most unhelpful people in the history of the country, namely people who show up at these things. Yes, there are astroturfing ad wizards getting people to show up at bodies of water and throwing teabags into them to protest Obama spending money on shit. Teabagging (unironically, ironically enough) against spending while money is vanishing from their own pockets.

Sometimes this country reminds me of "America's Funniest Home Videos," or as it's obnoxiously known as today, "AFV" (more like "AFG" eh, ehhhh? ehhhhhhh? think about it).

You see, it's FAG, but it's like... okay fuck it.

Anyway, I haven't watched the show in years because I'm not a shitlord. But when I visit my grandma, by the time we leave, this show is inevitably on because it's the kind of pablum that anyone can watch and just slowly die to. I only recently found out that Tom Bergeron is hosting it. Tom Bergeron, remember him? Actually, I only remember him hosting the aborted revival of "Hollywood Squares." Why is this relevant? Because it's not. And that's the fucking point.

The American public is like watching this show. You want to change the channel, and sometimes you do. But sometimes you just sit back and watch the slow horror of knowing that people actually pay lots of money to produce this show, and Tom Bergeron has to pretend so hard that he's actually enjoying what he's doing, that it frightens you. It frightens you to the bone. It's like watching a friend getting the shit kicked out of him and you're superglued to the sofa because you didn't read the glue instructions. You idiot, glue is for eating, not for putting on the couch!!

That inevitably leads to the realization that there are only two people in the country who have not yet been completely eaten by the powers that be: the people stuck watching AFV, and the morons sending shit in to be put on AFV. One group is rendered helpless by the sheer banality and depravity of it all, the other is actively stoking the apathy for fleeting glory and cash prizes.

This is what happens when nothing else is on at 7 p.m. on Sunday night.










Yeah so what if this entry sucked, it's Sunday night what do you want? You know what? Take your kids getting hit in the balls and GET OUT. OF MY LIFE.

















































DAD.

You clever little shits

The best websites are the squatters. Go to www.hufingtonpost.com and what do you get? A motherfucking box company.

Go check it out. I'll wait.

(36 hours later)

Yeah, see? Did you check that shit out? Who's responsible for deciding that www.hufingtonpost.com would be the best address for a site for FUCKING BOXES? Eh? Ehhh?

I love squatters of every kind. Thank you Internet for providing yet another version for us to hail.

Point-COUNTERPOINT: Daylight Savings Tyme

If you live in the Eastern Time Zone, the only time zone of merit, then you've just gone through the Spring version of DST. Yes, that magic hour that fucks everyone's analog clocks up has graced us once more like Christmas.

But is it really that good a holiday? I think it's time we have an argument between the only people who are worthy of this argument: me and someone dressed like me.

POINT: Daylight Savings Time sucks and is communist

Are you a communist? Do you yearn for the days of living in a Soviet farming grain and hating Elvis? Then Daylight Savings Time is for you. For the rest of us freedom-loving commies in Merica, DST is evil and dangerous.

DST is a time shift, and nothing is more disorienting than shifting time. Except maybe dropping acid, that could actually be more disorienting. Actually it was. This one time I had an entire ream of those acid droplet paper things and in five minutes I thought I was on the moon itself, and I ran around town screaming "DON'T MAKE ME JUMP I DON'T WANNA FLOAT AWAY!" That was my finest hour.

But aside from that, confusing people is bad and wrong. How'd you like it if you were driving to, say, Tewksbury MA to see your LOVEMACHINE, expecting to be there at 3 am. The clock hits 1 am and all of a sudden it becomes 2 am. What the hell? Have you actually travelled an hour in less than a second? Or has Boston horrifically come closer to New York? It would be impossible to tell.

Messing with time is always dangerous, anyway. As "Back to the Future" and the "Babar" series has taught us, fucking with time can be deadly, causing paradoxes and making Biff rich and causing the 80s to be revered and having talking elephants. TALKING ELEPHANTS PEOPLE. Do you really want that?

Worst of all, DST is not fair to the American industrial worker. When DST was invented, it was designed to help farmers get more sunlight or some shit. Not only were farmers hogging up all the sunlight for their "crops," they were also forcing Americans to become more agrarian. Well fuck that. I'm not working on some goddamn field all day with cow shit and people chewing on straws, are you nuts? No, I'm clinging to my soulless industrial wasteland and your shitty time manipulation can't stop me!

Drop DST before it drops you. Word.

COUNTERPOINT: Daylight Savings Time is awesome, you're a jerk and that's why nobody liked you in high school

Everyone wants to shit on Daylight Savings Time, but they're all probably queers anyway. The real news is that DST rocks because it gives us more of the one thing we all need: the sun.

Yes, without DST, the sun would vanish from the skies an hour earlier. That's a whole additional hour of darkness causing more traffic accidents and raccoon sightings and werewolves, or something. But more sunlight = more safety = more women for me.

And calling DST communist is retarded. Ben Franklin is not a communist, he's a Marxist-Leninist THERE'S A DIFFERENCE OKAY? He invented it because he's smart. He also invented lightning, the stove, the turkey and MERICA itself. And you wanna line up against him? Your funeral.

Without DST, the world would be shrouded more in darkness. Wait, shit, I already covered that point hold on (shuffles through notecards).

Ah yes. Ben Franklin was so powerful, he devised a way to alter time itself. If you found out you can alter the flow of time, wouldn't you want to create not one but two holidays around it? We should really call DST Ben Franklin's Some Kind of Fucking God Savings Time, or something. The point is that without DST, we wouldn't be able to time travel.

This past weekend, I was able to use DST to catapult myself into the future a la Pete & Pete. I started in LA and got a head of steam going eastward. By the time I hit Dayton I was already 30 hours into the future. That's when I hit the launch button and flung myself 25 years into the futre. Let me tell you, DARLIN, our kids look cool and are smart but one of them is dating a black. Sorry I guess your LIBRULNESS backfires on us or something.

So as I sit here posting from the future using an amazing invention called a "computer" (it's powered by another invention, the "cure for AIDS" (it's Elmer's glue)), talking about how awesome the world still is because of DST. Now if the world hasn't been destroyed in the 300 years since DST has been around, can it be bad? No. Now who's the dumbass?

Best of all, if I get bored of the future I can just wait until October and reverse the process. In fact, that's what I'm gonna do. I want to see what the world's like in 1978. So yeah, another reason you should stick with me because we can actually travel back to watch the Pyramids GETTIN BUILT. Can any other tourist trap beat that? I THINK NOT.

That was a pretty savage beatdown of POINT, I dunno if his anus will ever recover.

Well that was pretty cool folks. And now for the result. The winner is: The Cardinals!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO